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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I should be "allowed" out with my male friend?

100 replies

ComedyandTragedy · 10/07/2011 07:40

I have a work friend who is a gay male. He's also a social butterfly so tends to arrange loads of nights/days outs with an array of different people. He's one of these people that texts and calls quite a lot but to me this is no different than a female friend calling/texting however DP HATES him (although they've never met) and swears he's just pretending to be gay to get closer to women!! Everytime he texts me DP says "oh for fucks sake, what does that tosser want now? you don't need to have anything to do with him anymore now that he's moved to a different department so why do you entertain him??" but he's just a friend and I don't see why I shouldn't have anything to do with him. He's funny, sweet, helpful and yeah - a bit of a drama queen but couldn't I be talking about any one of my female friends here??

So anyway he invited me to a BBQ at his house along with 20 other people. DP was not pleased and went out of his way to make sure I couldn't go (he booked us tickets for a show that night knowing I wouldn't waste the money/tickets). Then we went out for a leaving do and this bloke happened to be there, DP was furious and tried to make out that he had "Mussled in" on plans to get near the women. I enjoyed that night out anyway but DP tried to make me promise I wouldn't go out with him again.

Anyway I have just been invited to another BBQ at his house, again along with loads of other people (so its hardly one on one!!). I told DP I'm going so he said "great, the sooner he fucks off back to Manchester the better".

Now the one that has really caused problems is that I got an invite to Gay Pride in the local park from this bloke. It would basically be a case of sitting in the sun for a few hours, watching the festivities, few drinks and then home before 6pm. I really wanted to go and DP said "You better not go to gay pride with him, you shouldn't be going ANYWHERE with him. what a fucking tosser, I detest him!" he then suggested that he and his mate meet up with my friend which was basically a threat of violence since his mate is pretty homophobic and always up for a fight.

AIBU to think that although he's male, I should be able to go out and have fun with him as a friend like I would any other female friend??

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 10/07/2011 08:44

I was thinking that he might be gay too. I also have a homophobic ex who turned out to be gay.

TheSecondComing · 10/07/2011 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepyFergus · 10/07/2011 08:55

Whilst I think your DP is being very overbearing, when I read your post, to me it sounded like you are always out with this friend, or texting etc and your DP might just be getting a tad hacked off that your friend comes first before him??

Perhaps he is insecure but if the situation was reversed and it was my DH always wanting to go out and text nonstop, I think I would be a bit narky too. In fact, think you might be being a bit selfish IMO.

Think you have to take a good hard look at your relationship and ask if you want to be in it. Btw, I don't think your DP sounds gay, just majorly pissed off.

Carminagetsprimal · 10/07/2011 08:58

' thou doth protest too much ' - yes, it goes on.

Op; - I think you need to talk this over with your DP and try to reach a compromise ( I'm not sure what that compromise should be ?) is your gay friend so important that you're prepared to risk losing your DP? - would you risk your relationship over a BBQ? - I know it's the principle here, but sometimes you have to forgo a few things to keep the peace.

HairyGrotter · 10/07/2011 09:00

I couldn't be with a man who 'allowed' me to go out. Ever

DawnTiggaFashionGoddess · 10/07/2011 09:01

this is not the question I'd be asking me if I were you, here's the question:

WTF am I doing with this Neanderthal?

YourWelcomeTiggaxx

Maryz · 10/07/2011 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotalChaos · 10/07/2011 09:02

So he'd like to beat up your pal for being gay? Definite dumping offence in my book.

HelloKlitty · 10/07/2011 09:03

I have had this from both sides. My gay best friend in college had a boyfriend who HATED me.....he was convinced my mate had a straight strea and would snog me at the earliest opportunity....he used to call me "The Whore"

My boyfriend at the time hated my gay best mate! Almost 20 years later we're STILL mates...because I wouldn't be told what to do.

BUT....I did sometimes invite my partner to come along and now I inite my husband to come.

Your partner however does not seem to be open to this...so what will you do? Let a man tell you who your mates are? By the time you're 70 you will have NONE left.

dreamingbohemian · 10/07/2011 09:05

Okay, for the sake of argument, let's say the DP is not a twat, just annoyed that his partner is spending so much time with a friend instead of him. The correct response to that is to tell his partner he would like to spend more time with her, not a) suggesting someone is 'pretending to be gay', b) telling her she can't see him, c) sabotaging her plans to make sure she can't see him, d) insinuating he would organise some gay bashing.

Honestly, I can't believe anyone would defend these actions.

OP there are a million fish in the sea! your friend sounds lovely and fun, go find a partner who will be happy that you're happy.

Pussinglads · 10/07/2011 09:07

Are you with my ex, OP?
He used to turn up when I was meeting gay male mates (either engineer a meeting, or pester to come along) and then spend the time slagging off 'poofs'.
Not just homophobic, he hated all my friends!

pictish · 10/07/2011 09:10

Oh dear. Your DP is coming over quite the arsehole here isn't he? So you are not BU at all.

I don't know why, but I get the feeling your dp is one of those small minded people that doesn't approve of anyone living their life in an alternative fashion, and sees non conformation as an indication of weakness. Is projecting the right image important to him at all?
It sounds as though he is embarrassed that his partner should want to hang out with the gay community, just as he would disapprove if the OP spent time at a hippy commune, or whatever...

Am I right about that at all, or way off track here?

Carminagetsprimal · 10/07/2011 09:11

I wonder would the op be happy if her DP had a lesbian friend - a woman constantly sending him text messages - inviting him to parties etc - And he was loving it.

I'd be a bit pissed off I think.

pictish · 10/07/2011 09:13

Why Carmin??

Goblinchild · 10/07/2011 09:15

As I said, my OH and I have managed very nicely for years with no problems.
He picked me and I picked him and we choose to stay together and be faithful. We have friends in common and interests in common, and others that are not shared.
So he has female friends linked to his hobbies that phone and meet and have fun, and I'm not jealous. He's be puzzled if I was.

SleepyFergus · 10/07/2011 09:19

Pictish - I imagine Carmin was just flipping the situation so it might be more meaningful to us. I agree with Carmin also.

Carminagetsprimal · 10/07/2011 09:20

Why? - because I'm jealous and passesive and I wouldn't want my dh really enjoying himself with another female - it wouldn't matter that she was a lesbian, she's a woman so she's competition. Maybe that's what's going on with the op's DP?

SleepyFergus · 10/07/2011 09:21

Hear hear.

Carminagetsprimal · 10/07/2011 09:21

possessive - (sorry)

dreamingbohemian · 10/07/2011 09:24

Carmin, fine, you think the DP is right to be annoyed, but do you seriously think his behaviour is acceptable? Do you think homophobia is acceptable?

pictish · 10/07/2011 09:24

I don't. I do not vet my friends for my dh's approval, nor does he for me. I wouldn't care less if he was pally with a lesbian and went out with her regularly. My dh gets on well with women and I am not threatened by that at all. In fact, so long as there was no sexual element involved, I would go so far as to say it would be none of my business.

My dh has never ever questioned where I go and with who. He just wouldn't. I can't imagine anyone opinionating on who I can or can not hang out with, and I wouldn't think to do it to my dh either.

pictish · 10/07/2011 09:27

"Sometimes you have to forgo a few things to keep the peace"

Bollocks you do. As an adult, you do what you like, with who you like, when you like. Anything other than that is wrong.

SleepyFergus · 10/07/2011 09:29

Well bully for you. Everyone is different, and everyone has their own insecurities. Perhaps the OPs DP is a bit jealous, insecure and it has come out like this.

And before I get vilified, I don't condone any kind of homophobia or violence and I sincere hope that was a gross overstatement or misunderstanding by the OP. Not defending the DP but just trying to put forward how he might be perceiving it all. Remember we only have one side of the story.

dreamingbohemian · 10/07/2011 09:30

Exactly Pictish.

Carmin, what if her DP actually did beat up the friend? Should she still 'keep the peace'? If not, what's the difference between threatening to do it and actually doing it? It's vile to even think of it in the first place.

pictish · 10/07/2011 09:32

Yeah well....as soon as someone's 'insecurities' mean they think they can dictate who their partner is friends with and what they do, then it's less 'insecure' and more 'controlling'.

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