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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be angry with oh and mil

87 replies

Neeliethere · 08/07/2011 21:13

I have for the third year running found out by accident that she has given him a large sum of money and they have agreed that I was not to know. It is for his use only. He cannot afford his golf club fees and so she pays it for him.

Last year we were offered a place in a fab school for our daughter which costs about £2,000 a term. We asked if she could help us out with the fees because we weren't sure if we could manage and she refused saying she didn't agree with us sending our daughter to a private school, (it isn't its a grant maintained at a third of the cost) and if state school was good enough for her son it was good enough for our daughter (we tried to explain it was state school but just a bit different but she was having none of it). Anyway through childcare vouchers and me getting more hours at work, and doing more hours in my own business we have managed with a struggle. Meanwhile she spends time bragging to her neighbours about the wonderful school her daughter is going to and showing off the photos of her in her special parade uniform.

Well just after refusing this assistance she paid for his golf club fees saying he deserved it as he got nothing for himself. He didn't tell me about it I found out by stealth.

This year our house has a major expensive problem and we can't get it fixed. This time again, she has given him a lump sum to pay for the golf, which he has kept secret. I am livid. I have told him I am out and have told him its the last straw.

We have a long history of lying about time off work, money spent, money earnt, time spent on the golf course, etc etc. Claiming to be at work when he is a football matches or playing golf. If and when I ever discover one of these lies and confront him he calls me a control freak.

She lies a lot too, exaggerating everything about her life including the miriad of ailments. I have told him to tell his mother she will never enjoy my hospitality again (she gave this money to him on the way home from a four day visit where I waited on her never once making even a cup of tea).

Am I right to be so blummin angry? I am shaking just typing this three days after the discovery.

OP posts:

pictish · 08/07/2011 22:53

He is her son, and she wants him to have his treat.

Christ almighty, if I decide to slip one of my boys some cash later on in life so they have something just for themselves then I bloody well will - if my dil thinks I should pay for something she thinks is more important, she can go jump.

We're skint but last year my mil bought my dh a new computer to the tune of £800 because he loves his computer and the one he had broke down.
None of this was discussed with me....why would it be? It was between them....mother and son.
She wanted to treat him so she did.
And?

2rebecca · 08/07/2011 22:58

My dad sometimes gives us money though, but it is given to "us" and we decide what to do with it. Most things in the house like computers are joint. To me part of being married is having shared finances and facing the financial problems of life together. I can't imagine my dad slipping me £1000 for a new bike and me going off and buying one and not discussing with my husband whether or not he was OK with this or whether we needed something else more than a new bike.
At the same time my bloke loves his bikes and if the situation was his mum gave him £1000 for a new bike or we got no money then I'd want him to have the bike. I wouldn't expect him to lie about it though, and would expect him to feel a bit unhappy about the fact that his mum wouldn't give money to the family unit to spend as we chose.

Nanny0gg · 08/07/2011 23:00

MiL can give what she likes to her son.
But if he were any kind of a husband and father he might think about using it for something important - like whatever is wrong with the house. And he certainly shouldn't be keeping it a secret - unless of course he knows he's doing wrong.
My OH would give his family (me, DCs, DGCs) his last penny if it were needed.

scottishmummy · 08/07/2011 23:03

your anger is misdirected,mil can do what she wants with her cash
the onus to be honest and collaborative upon your husband
quite frankly whether she wants to spend money on his socks or golf its up to her.BUT your dh could have diverted the golf fees to school fees,he did not do this

DuelingFanjo · 08/07/2011 23:06

how much are golf fees.

I think you are being a little unreasonable to expect her to contribute towards school fees to be honest.

Maybe she just wants to treat her son. Shame they can't be open about it but maybe it's because they know you will kick off?

skybluepearl · 08/07/2011 23:06

it his lies about income and location that are upsetting. why can't he just be honest - it's what you really need while going through such a difficult financial time.

NeedaCostume · 08/07/2011 23:07

apologies, haven't read the whole thread yet, but they both sound narcissistic. I can understand why you are upset.

mummymeister · 08/07/2011 23:08

agree with scottishmummy. the real problem here is dh. he's done it before, he'll do it again and again. decide if you can live with it in which case go away and get on with it or that you can't . in which case wait a couple of days at least until you are very calm, sit him down and tell him all that you know and why he is being unreasonable. why as a dh and df does he not see that putting his own needs first is just not on when things need doing in your family home. if these are the lies you know about what about the ones you don't. good luck be strong.

scottishmummy · 08/07/2011 23:10

dont know what golf fees are,nor school fees but i guess i both cases its where you go

as much as op no likey her,your mil can give her son whatever whenever she wishes.your real beef is with your dh.how he allocates cash.his golf or his child

chinam · 08/07/2011 23:18

I wouldn't give a toss about MIL paying his golf fees, but the idea that your DH would be hiding his own cash while allowing you to be worried abot impending financial disaster... I'd kick him to the curb.

Teachermumof3 · 08/07/2011 23:19

Totally agree with most of the posters on here.

Your MIL wants to treat her son-that's fine.

Your MIL thinks private school is a waste of money and doesn't want to commit to it-that's fine, too; her choice.
You want your child to go to private school, but can't afford it. Tough, to be honest-that's life.
Your husband lies to you. I'd be having big chats or visiting my solicitor.

razzlebathbone · 08/07/2011 23:21

Maybe she just likes doing this one thing for him every year. I hope I can do the same with my money for my son for as long as I want and can.

As for fabricating a terminal illness!!!? YABU for taking him back after that. I thought people only did that in films. What a complete knob.

JessBeanie · 08/07/2011 23:22

She sounds like the controlling one if she's only prepared to help you out if the money is for things she approves of.

razzlebathbone · 08/07/2011 23:22

Oh and if you can't afford some posh school then don't expect other people to fork out for it.

razzlebathbone · 08/07/2011 23:24

Controlling of what? Her own money? How disgraceful!

scottishmummy · 08/07/2011 23:46

no,mil isnt controlling,she choses whom she gives cash to.her dil

ChunkyMonkeyMother · 08/07/2011 23:55

I agree with the majority again, it is up to annoying old bag MIL - unfortunately I know this situation only too well (Except nothing as much as £1500 fees!) Last Christmas we made the decision to ask our parents for house-gifts as aposed to actual presents, mine bought us a new tumble drier and his bought us a vase and him an ipod I shiteth you not! I was FUMING as were my parents who would have much rather spent the money on a gift and felt mean buying us an appliance for Christmas!

He should not be hiding anything from you, especially money - who tells their wife they are being paid less? That is ridiculous - Clearly he thinks whats his is his but what yours is ours! I'd be saving what I could where I could, and as previous posters have said get as much info on his bank accs etc as soon as poss.

So sorry that you find yourself in this situation - good luck

razzlebathbone · 09/07/2011 00:01

What happened to just being thankful for gifts instead of putting in requests and demands and going apeshit if you don't get what you want?!

Some people on here sound about five years old.

Lonnie · 09/07/2011 00:04

your mil is not being unresonable in not wishing to pay regularly for school fees nor by giving her son the golf money..

your dh is unresonable by hiding that from you and by hiding money from work from you.

i would make an appointment with relate.

pictish · 09/07/2011 00:16

I agree with Razzle.

The core issue is the OP imagining that she has any say in the matter of what her mil chooses to gift her son. She's annoyed that her mil didn't want to contribute to school fees, but chose to gift her son the funds for his hobby.

I am putting myself in the mil's shoes here, because if my future dil wants a private school education for their children, then that's her lookout....if I want to pay for my son to go bloody hang gliding, that's mine.

That the OP's husband is shady is nothing to do with her annoyance. She wanted the gift to go elsewhere....but it wasn't for her. I don't think the mil gave him £2000 and said 'here...treat yourself to whatever you want', I reckon she said 'I'll pay the golf for you son, I know you enjoy it'

Hope I can do the same one day. Personally, I think signing your kid up for a fee paying school when you know you will struggle to afford it, is kinda pushy.

pictish · 09/07/2011 00:23

Just to add....I don't think you're behaving like you're 5 OP, but I do think your stance is inappropriate.

My mil is well off and sometimes gifts dh things he wants, or SHE thinks we need. I'm just appreciative of her kindness at all.

pictish · 09/07/2011 00:36

As an asides, your dh sounds bloody awful. I can't bear liars and to fake a terminal illness to get the sympathy vote is just bizarre.
I think you are doing the right thing in getting out of it. Leave the idiot to his bloody golf. You'll be much happier without him.
Good luck xx

tadjennyp · 09/07/2011 00:51

OP has already admitted that her anger towards her MIL is misdirected. Her h wanted the private school so OP upped her earnings to pay for it, there is something that really needs doing to their house and her h is hiding earnings from her? I think that is totally out of order. Surely if you have an expensive hobby that is lower on the list of priorities than getting the house sorted? Yes MIL can give her son money for whatever she likes but the serious lying problem would make me want to give up on the marriage. Good luck OP.

Loonytoonie · 09/07/2011 08:17

What's his condition, OP? Perhaps his mother indulges him because of this illness? This doesn't justify his shoddy treatment of you however.

Original poster

Neeliethere · 09/07/2011 09:06

I am inclined to agree with all of Rebecca's comments. It is her money to choose what to do with it. I am just so sad that he always feels it necessary to lie to me. Not just lie but to bull himself up as a generous person saying I get half his money. We don't. We get half of what he tells me about. The reality of it is around 20% if going by his bank statements is correct etc. Now maybe we should only get 20% but I object to constantly being reminded how I take everything he's got and I'm still not satisfied. This to me is abuse. We married for better or worse, richer or poorer etc etc. Before our daughter was born and when he came into my life I was a lot more comfortable than him. He was in debt, had nothing to call his own apart from a bike and some clothes. I accepted this. I am now dependent on him. Own half the house whereas I owned my own house on my own when he met me. I am not a leach as he likes to call me. I have worked every year since my daughter was born and she has NEVER come home to an empty house after school. I would point out that it was him that wanted the "snooty" school. It has been good for her self esteem. The benefits to her have been manyfold and that is all I care about. What I cannot bear is being lied to again and again and being called a liar myself and a money grabbing leach. I don't want the money I want honesty. Is that too much to ask? I want to feel that we are important to him and he enjoys being with us. This is not the case so better we both cut out and get on with our lives. So why is he so threatening and angry. He will be pretty comfortably off without me. I will be absolutely broke. But you know what I will be the better for it as I will have my pride and not always be wondering where the next surprise or lie is coming from. Not wondering if he is at work or on the golf course. Not wondering what he is up to most of the time to be frank. On any average week he will spend about 30 minutes in our company at meal times and maybe an hour in the evening if he's at home but usually surfing the net looking up new golf equipment or a better way to swing his club. No conversation unless its about golf, or his work.
He doesn't like me and i don't like him. Why on earth does he want to persist with it. He often calls me his jailer in writing and verbally. He often tells me I am ill. I may well be but I know the medicine is freedom from a liar and abuser. Anyone else feeling like this, trust your judgement and get out.

OP posts:

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