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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be angry with oh and mil

87 replies

Neeliethere · 08/07/2011 21:13

I have for the third year running found out by accident that she has given him a large sum of money and they have agreed that I was not to know. It is for his use only. He cannot afford his golf club fees and so she pays it for him.

Last year we were offered a place in a fab school for our daughter which costs about £2,000 a term. We asked if she could help us out with the fees because we weren't sure if we could manage and she refused saying she didn't agree with us sending our daughter to a private school, (it isn't its a grant maintained at a third of the cost) and if state school was good enough for her son it was good enough for our daughter (we tried to explain it was state school but just a bit different but she was having none of it). Anyway through childcare vouchers and me getting more hours at work, and doing more hours in my own business we have managed with a struggle. Meanwhile she spends time bragging to her neighbours about the wonderful school her daughter is going to and showing off the photos of her in her special parade uniform.

Well just after refusing this assistance she paid for his golf club fees saying he deserved it as he got nothing for himself. He didn't tell me about it I found out by stealth.

This year our house has a major expensive problem and we can't get it fixed. This time again, she has given him a lump sum to pay for the golf, which he has kept secret. I am livid. I have told him I am out and have told him its the last straw.

We have a long history of lying about time off work, money spent, money earnt, time spent on the golf course, etc etc. Claiming to be at work when he is a football matches or playing golf. If and when I ever discover one of these lies and confront him he calls me a control freak.

She lies a lot too, exaggerating everything about her life including the miriad of ailments. I have told him to tell his mother she will never enjoy my hospitality again (she gave this money to him on the way home from a four day visit where I waited on her never once making even a cup of tea).

Am I right to be so blummin angry? I am shaking just typing this three days after the discovery.

OP posts:

TigerseyeMum · 08/07/2011 21:42

This is about control and imo what they are both doing is pretty nasty because it is sidelining you and shutting you out. Your MiL is exerting control over her son, and your husband is defending his position by attacking you.

It's not what happens in healthy equal relationships and you really need to get this sorted out. Maybe try Relate? Talk it through and he might - might - be able to see what he is doing to you. But you need to deal with it because it is eating away at you.

levantine · 08/07/2011 21:42

Tbh the fact that he has been earning more money than he has been letting on would worry me more than the MIL golf club issue

moondog · 08/07/2011 21:43

How much has she given him?

I also don't think you have any reason to expect her to pay fees btw.
I am amazed that your dh could spend money on golf (Jesus!)when you are struggling to get the fees together.

Georgimama · 08/07/2011 21:44

That sounds really awful but at least you have a plan.

Original poster

Neeliethere · 08/07/2011 21:45

£1500 per year every year.

OP posts:

Maryz · 08/07/2011 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelleDameSansMerci · 08/07/2011 21:46

"I guess this on top of discovering that he has been earning a lot more money than he let on for the last few months. I have not been sleeping for fear of impending financial disasters and he just keeping large piles of cash to himself."

This comment is, IMO, much more worrying than his mother giving him money for golf, etc. You've been worrying about how to make ends meet and he's squirreling money away? Bloody selfish tosser.

moondog · 08/07/2011 21:48

What an utter prick.

NobbedaBuilder · 08/07/2011 21:49

Your husband is the one most at fault here yet most of your venom seems to be saved for the MIL. He is the one who owes you more loyalty thanhis mother and he is also lying to you.

DogsBestFriend · 08/07/2011 21:50

"But again, he says I am overreacting and have a mental problem."

Saying that you have a mental problem is classic control behaviour, an attempt to make you doubt yourself whilst he looks reasonable and measured and to make you rely on him. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book and one I only realised after much reading up after I'd gone through an abusive marriage.

YOU and your DC shouldn't need to leave your home. Can you not live there as seperated people until you can get the bastard out/sell up?

Its hard to prove to housing benefits that although you're still married and in the family home you ARE seperated to all intents and purposes but not impossible. My sister managed it and was able to claim council tax and housing benefit whilst her ex was still in the home.

BlueCat2010 · 08/07/2011 21:51

I have a wickedly horrible plan - sell his golf clubs to cover the expenses of the house repair [hwink]

My DH says your OH is a spoilt mummys boy, and I think he's hit the nail on the head

Original poster

Neeliethere · 08/07/2011 21:52

No he gets a birthday present too. As well as money for petrol every time he visits her.

I don't really think it is reasonable to want her money. I think it unreasonable that they deliberately hide it. Like two cheques. One for £60 for petrol in our joint account and one for £1,500 for his account. When I call to say thank you for the money for the petrol she neglects to mention the other £1,500 so clearly she is complicit in this deception.

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 08/07/2011 21:57

agree with Maryz. Yes, your oh has acted badly and appears to have acted v badly for many years. But that's not your MIL's fault. Surely she can give her child whatever she wants for a present.

Original poster

Neeliethere · 08/07/2011 21:57

Thank you. You are so right. I am getting side tracked directing all my venom at her. He is the one lying to me. He is the one that should be loyal to me. Its very clever isn't it. It has always been like that for him. Whatever scrapes he gets into it has always been someone else leading him astray or having influence over him. He has never been responsible for anything and I am falling into the same trap. blaming her But wait there - I can a bit cos she made this monster didn't she.

I just need to get out.

OP posts:

Maryz · 08/07/2011 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mare11bp · 08/07/2011 21:58

He sounds like a lying deceitful twat. Get out while you still have your self-respect.

feckwit · 08/07/2011 22:01

Who chose the school? Both of you together or you alone?

Original poster

Neeliethere · 08/07/2011 22:08

both of us. He wanted it before me and talked me round. Then when the place came up he changed his mind saying we couldn't afford it. but I said I still wanted it and said I would work more hours to cover it if necessary. He didn't agree until one day he was chatting to a guy at work who said 'you'd be mad to pass up a chance like that, its a fantastic school and your daughter will benefit massively from going there so he changed his mind again. It was his idea to ask his mum for help. Which she refused. Her perogative I guess. I just can't get my head round why she thinks we are not OK to desire a good school for our daughter but it is OK for him to desire membership of a pretty exclusive golf club. But I guess that's her way of thinking. Nothing I can do to change that but I feel that he is of the same mindset. This gives my daughter the message that she is not important and his hobby is. Not that she knows the details.

OP posts:

ShoutyHamster · 08/07/2011 22:14

I'd throw in the towel- but not before I made sure I had copies of all bank statements, pension docs etc.- EVERYTHING I could think of, plus had a good old dig around for any secret accounts or investments etc.

Don't move out right now- let him think you're bluffing while you get all that sorted, then file for divorce.

He'll then realise you aren't bluffing and beg for another chance - you then tell Mr. Terminal Illness that the ONLY way you'll consider reconciliation is if he moves out to give you space. Thus you get him out of the house

You've clearly made up your mind and I don't blame you. He is what he is- a selfish liar with precious little loyalty to what should be his primary family, not if there's something in it for him. Looks like you can thank your MIL for those lovely traits. They deserve one another, so leave them to it.

Oh and rest assured that he will try and screw you financially, so be ruthless (and get all the paperwork!)

Original poster

Neeliethere · 08/07/2011 22:27

Thanks you lot. Its good to talk. ;-)

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 08/07/2011 22:34

"Kicked him out two years ago and he just kept arriving back in tears begging and pleading, or shouting and threatening and then getting a terminal illness so I felt sorry for him"

so you made a msitake - dont make that mistake again....make him leave again andthis time dont let him back whatever he pleads. clearly his mother will look after him. you focus on you and your DD.

and if he wont leave - then you do leave and rent somwhere nice and then file for divorce.

pictish · 08/07/2011 22:37

I'm going to disagree with the majority here and say that if his mother wants to gift her son the funds to keep up his hobby, then so what?

It's up to her what to spend her cash on - sending your dd to a snoot school was your decision....paying for her son to enjoy his hobby is hers.

Wind your neck in.

NobbedaBuilder · 08/07/2011 22:47

I don't think there's a problem giving the money. But there is a problem in her DH lying to her about it and to a lesser extent her lying too (although who knows what woe is me line the dh has given to his mum).

2rebecca · 08/07/2011 22:48

I agree that what your MIL chooses to spend her money on is her affair. The problem here is that you and your husband has different priorities and that he isn't putting private education for his daughter, or something for the family above golf fees and is wanting to hide money from you.
If he is opposed to private education that doesn't make him wrong though, and your MIL doesn't have to give you any money, so giving your husband money for his hobbey means it doesn't have to be found from elsewhere or you have a bored bloke around the house.
It doesn't sound as though you like your husband much though and you don't operate as a couple. Your husband should be regarding the money as family money and discussing what to spend it on with you, although you sound as though you will never agree on what to spend it on as you don't respect each other's priorities.

NobbedaBuilder · 08/07/2011 22:49

I don't agree - if the MIL has given it for golf then it should be spent on golf BUT why the lies?

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