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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be getting married in secret.

60 replies

thebird · 08/07/2011 18:53

DP and I have been together for 10 years and have 2 DCs. We have always wanted to get married but for various reasons (mainly money) we have not. We have decided now the time is right and we are getting married while on holiday in a few weeks with just us and the DCs.

We haven't told anyone for fear it will turn into a circus with family and friends wanting to join us. DPs parents are divorced and dont speak so that would be really awkward and my parents live abroad and it would be a huge expense for them to join us.

Just wanted some advice from anyone out there who has done the same.

OP posts:

catgirl1976 · 08/07/2011 19:37

Agree with mrsbiscuits. We only told people because it was Vegas and we told them FAR too late to make arrangements to come even if they did want to / could afford it . Mind you - I have not had an anniversay card of MIL to this day

Original poster

thebird · 08/07/2011 19:38

@ledkr
Oh no what a nightmare:( Thats my worst fear. I know if I told my MIL even the day before she would be there. So perhaps I'd better keep hush!

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 08/07/2011 19:38

My friend went to Gretna Green as family relations were complicated.

It is your day, do it how you want. People will be disappointed but if they are mature they will be happy for you and not cause a fuss.

thursday · 08/07/2011 19:39

go for it, people might be a bit disappointed they couldnt join in because as well as it being your wedding, its a great excuse for a get together and a party. but i wouldnt be upset with someone who did, i think its romantic and lovely and what marriage is about. lots of weddings are a big showy hoo haa.

ledkr · 08/07/2011 19:43

the bird thanks for the sympathy,they also attend our holidays if we dont lie and tried to stay over 2 days after my section.
I am having a similar dilemma with the christening,they will expect b and b the night before and after,all whilst im organising it all. Do you thinki could have a secret christening?

Mare11bp · 08/07/2011 19:43

This is brilliant the bird and has got me feeling all romantic, might even tell DP I want to marry him....
Don't blame you at all, I would have issues with my outlaws being there and my family are like a bunch of unruly teenagers so I couldn't think of anything better than escaping with DS and DD only.
Don't tell a bloody soul. That way you are guaranteed of no uninvited guests!!

mumnotmachine · 08/07/2011 19:45

Oh how lovely!!
Dont tell ANYONE!!!!

Go for it then surprise people when you get back- or send photos as postcards from Mr and Mrs XXXXX

Have a wonderful day, and a massive party when you get back!

Carrotsandcelery · 08/07/2011 19:45

The thing about weddings is that no matter how considerate you try to be people do grumble so you might as well do it exactly the way you would like it to be.

RainySmallHands · 08/07/2011 19:48

We did this last year (after 16 years together). Only us and 3yo DD with two witnesses from the shops across the road. Both witnesses cried despite only meeting us 5 minutes before the ceremony

Got married, registrar took photos, then had breakfast in a cafe down the road before travelling on to our honeymoon cottage. No regrets whatsoever. Told everyone when we got back. My parents always knew we would probably have a secret ceremony (I had mentioned it a fee times) and the only person who I thought might be slightly upset (MIL) was actually thrilled.

RainySmallHands · 08/07/2011 19:48

few

mumnotmachine · 08/07/2011 19:48

My cousin has just got engaged, they are getting married abroad, anyone who wishes to go will be given a price list with details and prices.
She's already had scorn at the fact they wont be paying for people to fly out etc- she hasnt even set a wedding date yet!

CloversMama · 08/07/2011 19:49

We did it in Vegas - we told my parents a week before as I knew my mum would be upset otherwise (DH is estranged from his parents) We do plan on doing the whole big wedding thing in a few years time when we can afford it and for this reason, we haven't told anyone apart from our immediate family that we are married. I quite enjoy our littl secret! Go for it! And congratulations!

Original poster

thebird · 08/07/2011 19:51

Ledkr...Secret Christening sounds like a good idea. You might annoy them enough to stop staying over!

Mare11bp...Go for it!

OP posts:

itsastrawpoll · 08/07/2011 19:52

Well, you obviously know your parents better than I do.

FWIW, if I could find the money to travel to see my child get married then I would want to do it.

Ditto if I didn't speak to my ex husband - I'm sure I could be courteous for a day.

If you know for sure your parents can't afford it and you know for sure your in laws wouldn't be civil then I guess YANBU.

I would be gutted if one of my children did this though. Especially making decisions on my behalf "oh, they can't afford it, they don't speak to each other" etc etc.

Mare11bp · 08/07/2011 19:53

Think I was getting emotional reading your post OP, taken a pill and composed myself now.....

RainySmallHands · 08/07/2011 19:54

One word of warning though - it was surprisingly difficult to get people to act as witnesses despite the registrar assuring us the ladies across the road had been asked several times before. It took a few phonecalls to the businesses opposite the RO the day before to line up our witnesses. We wanted to have them prearranged rather than have the stress of finding 2 willing passers- by just before the ceremony.

Lexilicious · 08/07/2011 19:57

Somebody on mumsnet last year got married with their DC and got two other mumsnetters to turn up and be witnesses, otherwise they would have got people off the street. it was v nice thread

IslaValargeone · 08/07/2011 20:00

Congratulations, we did an intimate get away thing too, witnesses grabbed off the street etc. Good luck, have a fab time and lots of happy years together.

Carrotsandcelery · 08/07/2011 20:02

Ooh! Other mumsnetters is a fantastic idea Lexi.

venusandmars · 08/07/2011 20:05

We got married with the 2 of us and dds as witnesses (we joked that we waited so long to get married just so dd2 could be a witness). We were married in UK, and we told our very close family before (parents and siblings). We were fortunate that our family loved us enough to understand why we wanted to get married in that private and special way, and no unexpected guests turned up! We had written our ceremony and I gave my parents and dsis a copy, which they were very moved by. It was lovely getting married in private yet knowing that people were thinking of us with love.

We didn't tell anyone else. My best friend was very pissed off, lots of tears that I hadn't trusted her enough to tell her - but she would have been exactly the type to turn up as a 'surprise!'

Have a wonderful day

PS I am a celebrant and I marry people at Gretna Green. I am continually surprised by how moving these small 'runaway' wedding are

itsastrawpoll · 08/07/2011 20:07

"We were fortunate that our family loved us enough to understand why we wanted to get married in that private and special way"

What a strange thing to say, "Our family loved us enough".

bamboostalks · 08/07/2011 20:15

Each to their own but to offer an alternative view.. A wedding is a public declaration of love for one another and to have that witnessed by strangers rather than those who love and support us seems discordant. I would be so very sad not to see my beloved child marry, one of the most important days of her life. I think that you can underestimate the huge emotion on the day and how special it is. Good Luck!

anniepanniepears · 08/07/2011 20:25

my husband an I did this 20years ago and his oldest son has not spoke to me since,he speaks to his dad and his 2 step brothers, my kids, but refuses to speak to me for marring his dad on the quiet.
Iam convinced even if he was invited to our wedding he would not have come anyway

Original poster

thebird · 08/07/2011 20:28

@bamboostalks
I can see why some people might feel like the need to publicly declare their love for each other. But to me it is important that we are there for each other and our children and us getting married is all about that and no one else. Our family and friends know we have a good relationship and dont need to witness us saying our wedding vows to eachother to know this and support us.

OP posts:

80sMum · 08/07/2011 20:29

I rank the wedding days of my DCs among the happiest of my life. I feel sad to think that there are mothers whose children would deny them that happiness and those memories.

However, my greatest joy is that my children have found their life partners and have settled down happily with someone they love. Had they returned from a holiday and told me that they were married, I would have been very surprised and, in private, sad that I missed it - but ultimately I would have been delighted that they were happy.

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