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AIBU?

To be getting married in secret.

60 replies

thebird · 08/07/2011 18:53

DP and I have been together for 10 years and have 2 DCs. We have always wanted to get married but for various reasons (mainly money) we have not. We have decided now the time is right and we are getting married while on holiday in a few weeks with just us and the DCs.

We haven't told anyone for fear it will turn into a circus with family and friends wanting to join us. DPs parents are divorced and dont speak so that would be really awkward and my parents live abroad and it would be a huge expense for them to join us.

Just wanted some advice from anyone out there who has done the same.

OP posts:

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randommoment · 08/07/2011 22:29

My parents did this. They did ring their mothers that morning, so that they had time to attend the service and have a meal afterwards, but there were no brothers or sisters or cousins, and my grannies didn't have time to make a fuss about the details. I remember Granny D telling me that although she'd been a bit annoyed at the time, she thought in retrospect it had been brilliant! And my mother always said she preferred the house-stuff she bought with the money her mother had set aside for a wedding dress - as of course they missed out on wedding presents. They had 45 very happy years together before my father died last year.

zipzap · 08/07/2011 22:03

And many congratulations too, hope you all have a fantastic family wedding day and holiday!

zipzap · 08/07/2011 22:01

Go for it but definitely don't tell anyone as others have said as tjheres bound to be someone who thinks you have told them so they can fly out and surprise you out there.

My uncle got married in a very quiet registry office with just immediate family there and a family lunch afterwards. In the evening they had a summer party to which they invited friends and didn't actually announce it until they brought out the cake after the puddings had been brought out. There were even a couple of jokes about how it was a very White wedding looking cake :o. But it was a lovely party and the shock and delight was lovely to see on all the guests faces plus there was no need for anyone to bring presents.

There was also a chap that worked for my dad that asked if he could have the afternoon off one day but then just came back a bit late and instead asked for a long lunch the next day. Turns out he'd gone to get married on his lunch break but the registrar was ill so they had to go back the next day. And he went back to work after getting married! They only found out a few days later.

TribbleTrelawney · 08/07/2011 20:42

Oh wow, congratulations!!!!!

Seriously if I'd had my way, I'd have hitched on a plane to Vegas and got married by a singing Elvis.

loveulotslikejellytots · 08/07/2011 20:38

Those that mind, don't matter - those that matter don't mind!

Have a fantastic day with your boys. Just a tip, when it comes to weddings, you can't please anyone! So why not please yourselves!

lachesis · 08/07/2011 20:32

YANBU!

I would not be bothered at all if one of my own children did this. It's their life and their marriage and if that's what they wanted then I am happy for them and wish them all the best.

SkipToTheEnd · 08/07/2011 20:32

Aww - do it!

If I ever get married this is how I will do it. I may invite close friends and family to a picnic / bbq to reveal it but it would be low key.

I wouldn't tell anyone before I went either. I'd love keeping it a secret between us until it was done.

Congratulations!

ratspeaker · 08/07/2011 20:31

Good luck and i think its a great idea

I iwouldnt mind in the least if my kids got married and sent us a postcard saying "guess what we did"

I have always said its not the wedding but the marriage that counts

skybluepearl · 08/07/2011 20:30

PS. Both sides of our families had had lots of huge white weddings. It was quite refreshing to buck the trend

skybluepearl · 08/07/2011 20:30

I got married on the quiet. It was wonderful and stress free. More about making our wedding commitments and less about making a show. Imagine the sort of quiet simple wedding people had years and years ago - thats what i aspired to. The thought of spending 20k on a wedding seems crazy.

80sMum · 08/07/2011 20:29

I rank the wedding days of my DCs among the happiest of my life. I feel sad to think that there are mothers whose children would deny them that happiness and those memories.

However, my greatest joy is that my children have found their life partners and have settled down happily with someone they love. Had they returned from a holiday and told me that they were married, I would have been very surprised and, in private, sad that I missed it - but ultimately I would have been delighted that they were happy.

thebird · 08/07/2011 20:28

@bamboostalks
I can see why some people might feel like the need to publicly declare their love for each other. But to me it is important that we are there for each other and our children and us getting married is all about that and no one else. Our family and friends know we have a good relationship and dont need to witness us saying our wedding vows to eachother to know this and support us.

OP posts:

anniepanniepears · 08/07/2011 20:25

my husband an I did this 20years ago and his oldest son has not spoke to me since,he speaks to his dad and his 2 step brothers, my kids, but refuses to speak to me for marring his dad on the quiet.
Iam convinced even if he was invited to our wedding he would not have come anyway

bamboostalks · 08/07/2011 20:15

Each to their own but to offer an alternative view.. A wedding is a public declaration of love for one another and to have that witnessed by strangers rather than those who love and support us seems discordant. I would be so very sad not to see my beloved child marry, one of the most important days of her life. I think that you can underestimate the huge emotion on the day and how special it is. Good Luck!

itsastrawpoll · 08/07/2011 20:07

"We were fortunate that our family loved us enough to understand why we wanted to get married in that private and special way"

What a strange thing to say, "Our family loved us enough".

venusandmars · 08/07/2011 20:05

We got married with the 2 of us and dds as witnesses (we joked that we waited so long to get married just so dd2 could be a witness). We were married in UK, and we told our very close family before (parents and siblings). We were fortunate that our family loved us enough to understand why we wanted to get married in that private and special way, and no unexpected guests turned up! We had written our ceremony and I gave my parents and dsis a copy, which they were very moved by. It was lovely getting married in private yet knowing that people were thinking of us with love.

We didn't tell anyone else. My best friend was very pissed off, lots of tears that I hadn't trusted her enough to tell her - but she would have been exactly the type to turn up as a 'surprise!'

Have a wonderful day

PS I am a celebrant and I marry people at Gretna Green. I am continually surprised by how moving these small 'runaway' wedding are

Carrotsandcelery · 08/07/2011 20:02

Ooh! Other mumsnetters is a fantastic idea Lexi.

IslaValargeone · 08/07/2011 20:00

Congratulations, we did an intimate get away thing too, witnesses grabbed off the street etc. Good luck, have a fab time and lots of happy years together.

Lexilicious · 08/07/2011 19:57

Somebody on mumsnet last year got married with their DC and got two other mumsnetters to turn up and be witnesses, otherwise they would have got people off the street. it was v nice thread

RainySmallHands · 08/07/2011 19:54

One word of warning though - it was surprisingly difficult to get people to act as witnesses despite the registrar assuring us the ladies across the road had been asked several times before. It took a few phonecalls to the businesses opposite the RO the day before to line up our witnesses. We wanted to have them prearranged rather than have the stress of finding 2 willing passers- by just before the ceremony.

Mare11bp · 08/07/2011 19:53

Think I was getting emotional reading your post OP, taken a pill and composed myself now.....

itsastrawpoll · 08/07/2011 19:52

Well, you obviously know your parents better than I do.

FWIW, if I could find the money to travel to see my child get married then I would want to do it.

Ditto if I didn't speak to my ex husband - I'm sure I could be courteous for a day.

If you know for sure your parents can't afford it and you know for sure your in laws wouldn't be civil then I guess YANBU.

I would be gutted if one of my children did this though. Especially making decisions on my behalf "oh, they can't afford it, they don't speak to each other" etc etc.

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thebird · 08/07/2011 19:51

Ledkr...Secret Christening sounds like a good idea. You might annoy them enough to stop staying over!

Mare11bp...Go for it!

OP posts:

CloversMama · 08/07/2011 19:49

We did it in Vegas - we told my parents a week before as I knew my mum would be upset otherwise (DH is estranged from his parents) We do plan on doing the whole big wedding thing in a few years time when we can afford it and for this reason, we haven't told anyone apart from our immediate family that we are married. I quite enjoy our littl secret! Go for it! And congratulations!

mumnotmachine · 08/07/2011 19:48

My cousin has just got engaged, they are getting married abroad, anyone who wishes to go will be given a price list with details and prices.
She's already had scorn at the fact they wont be paying for people to fly out etc- she hasnt even set a wedding date yet!

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