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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want MN to just tell me whether we should have a third child or not...

77 replies

cherryburton · 08/07/2011 16:09

...because I've been mulling it backwards and forwards for over a year and we can't make up our minds about it.

We have two boys who are nearly 3 and nearly 5.
I'm nearly 35 and DH is nearly 39.
We are skint and live in rented accommodation after selling our house two years ago and making a big move to somewhere we wanted to be. DH had to take a huge drop in salary so that we could move away from where we were but it looks like a better job is on the horizon.

I've been a SAHM (on and off) since DS1 was born nearly five years ago, but I went back to work full time a few months back and am really enjoying not being a SAHM anymore. We're not really very much financially better off for me working as childcare eats up most of my money but I'm happier. It is only maternity cover though, and I may be unemployed again come January.

Common sense would say not to have any more - DS2 will start school next year and that's when I could start making money and keeping some of it, which would help us to buy a house. DS2 was a nightmare in terms of sleep for the first year and I had PND due to not getting longer than an hour uninterrupted for 11 months. (I exaggerate not.) The thought of going back to that scares me. And now the boys are a bit older life seems a bit easier.

But the thought of accepting that's that and we're done makes me feel sad and almost anxious. I've always subscribed to the "it's better to regret something you've done than something you haven't" school of thought, but I'm not sure that should apply to the creation of people when it will set us back financially by about four years. We're both thinking we're knocking on a bit in terms of wanting to start again and it feels a bit now or never - isn't it at 35 that it starts to get more difficult to conceive?

Sorry, it's a bit of a lengthy self indulgent ponder, but I literally spend every day obsessing about it and feeling under pressure to just decide one way or the other so we can just decide and get on with life.

How do you know when you're done? Should hormones take precedence over logic and common sense?

OP posts:
Maryz · 09/07/2011 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 09/07/2011 14:13

Yes i agree Mary. Even though dd3 was a complete shock for me i couldnt imagine not having her. She is a very easy going child which obviously helps.

soverylucky · 09/07/2011 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

juneau · 09/07/2011 14:42

I wouldn't do it if I was you. In fact, I can't think of one good reason for having a third based on what you've written - particularly with regard to PND and that you're enjoying being back to work and could do with the money. Plus, with children the age yours are you're just getting to the point where your life can be fun and manageable again. Why mess that up? I'd be enjoying it if I was you.

Tuppenyrice · 09/07/2011 14:50

As a mother to 3 little darlings I always say to people who ask me if they should go for a third:
Two is a very good number. Wink

VanillaRooibos · 09/07/2011 16:50

Hi just butting in Tuppenyrice - just interested in why you are saying that two is a good number? Is that because it is hard with 3? I just ask because I am in the same mind as the OP, have 2 DD and DS and just can't get the idea of a third out of my head - I feel so open ended about it. Some people have two and they just know in heart and mind that they don't want any more children and they are finished. And it does sort of make sense to stop at two TBH, for all sorts of reasons mentioned here. For me, i would like to crack on and have a stab at establishing a sort of career. Another baby (my youngest is 1) would be another 3-4 years before I coudl dedicate myself fully to something. And yet......aren't some of the best and most important decisions one makes in life the ones not ruled by common sense?! Anyway OP I'm with you on this one, I mull it over fairly regularly; could I cope? Could DH and I cope? Do I have the energy??

Oakmaiden · 09/07/2011 16:59

I have three, but I'd love a fourth. My youngest is 6 now, and I am still so sad that I will never have another baby. Even despite my dreadful depressions before and after the births of all my children, I still dream about having another baby.

It will never happen though as child no 3 was a "surprise" baby, and my husband had a vasectomy to prevent any more surprises coming our way. So that door is forever closed.

So I would really say that only you can really know your financial position and compare it to your desire for another baby. But you don't need a huge salary and a big house that you own yourself in order to bring up a happy healthy child. You just need a reasonable place to live and "enough" money....

Original poster
cherryburton · 09/07/2011 16:59

juneau - there isn't a good reason really. Apart from I think we both really want to do it and are in danger of thinking it all to death...

OP posts:
Original poster
cherryburton · 09/07/2011 17:03

Oakmaiden - you had PND all three times? It does worry me, that part of it. I'm still not sure to this day if I actually had PND or was just totally mangled after 10+ months of no sleep. I was much better the first time around I think.

The other thing I keep thinking is that financial situations can change, ten years down the line we could be better off, be we have this small remaining window of opportunity to add one last person to the family, and perhaps we shouldn't let money dictate decisions that should be heart decisions really? Or something...

OP posts:
DonnaNoble · 09/07/2011 17:06

Personally I would say no if money is an issue. I have 3 ds and those feelings never go. I am strill struggling with the idea that there will be no more babies. However we have found that 3 is MUCH more expensive than 2. Cars, holidays, eating out, day trips, everything. I am even finding that I have to buy clothes for ds3, as ds2 wears them out so not even using hand me downs all the time.

Also although I adore ds3 he does mean that I have less time to spend with the others, helping with homwork etc. I know the day will come when we can do things as a family but it feels like a long time. I mean things like going ot the theatre. Obviously we do go out as a family!

glittercheeks · 09/07/2011 18:25

Cherry, IMO reading your latest posts I think you know in your heart its what you want and its just making that jump and taking the plunge you are possibly struggling with (maybe a bit like when you 1st decide to start your family - all the unknown and what ifs!)

I personally analyze things to death and I hate that part of me, however when it comes to baby making, strangely enough I could easily just be a dare devil and think sod it without much analysis at all! I have to let my head rule now though unfortunately as when on earth would we stop! But in your case, for number 3....well, I may be biased but isn't 3 just a lovely number!?!

Btw, number 3 is an absolute dream, very easy going and has just slotted in nicely!

sweetness86 · 09/07/2011 18:43

I wish I could decide whether to have No.3 my family laugh and say 'no more please' my boys are a handful but theres a tiny part that just wants that extra person like someone is missing and no Im not done and then on bad days I think 'what the hell was I thinking!'
I hope you make up your mind but I think three is a lot more expensive than two for some reason like even buying three drinks or three Ice lollys etc it all adds up.

Still no answer but I know how you feel.

proudfoot · 09/07/2011 18:44

OP I think it sounds like you do really want the third and so I think you should go for it.

As you said, you are not relying on the income from your job anyway as you are spending it on childcare, so even if your money is a bit tight you won't be much worse off by having baby no. 3 as you can stay home and save on childcare. If you do manage to get some freelance work I think it would be doable if the first two are going to school, and hopefully the 3rd would not have the same sleeping problems although obviously you never know...

I basically agree with what you said that some things are heart decisions and you only realistically have the next few years to do it.

birdofthenorth · 09/07/2011 19:37

I'm going to go against the grain & say do it. You obviously want to & why live life regretting not doing so? I want more kids than is perhaps practical in terms of room in house & money but my feeling is you make it work, make sacrifices as necessary & adapt to your circumstances. Go on, if it's preoccupying you you know you want to! Bet you've kept all the baby clothes Grin

Fifis25StottieCakes · 09/07/2011 19:45

Donna - yes that something to take into consideration. If you go on holidays Op a family of 5 is very expensive and a nightmare to book.

jellybeans · 09/07/2011 19:48

I would have another. I think you may regret it if not. If you have that logning go for it!!!However my 3rd was twins.. numbers 3&4!!! I also went on to have another and now have 5DC, 5th was a nightmare for the first year, serious reflux (stopped breathing etc.) and nil sleep till over 12 months. I still sometimes get broody but we couldn't really afford more and my obstetric history is terrible and deep down I feel 'done' and quite exhausted (I am early 30s).

Kayano · 09/07/2011 19:52

I wouldn't want more than 2 for holiday costs (but I have twisted priorities lol) I don't think anyone on MN can tell you what to do but I can say happier mum= happier kids

Maryz · 09/07/2011 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ginabraz · 09/07/2011 22:38

I have the same thoughts but have decided to stick with my two sons. DS1 is 3.5yrs and DS2 is only 14 months younger. The fact that I dont think I could handle another child makes my decision a little bit easier and also I want to educate them privately (for senior school) - two is financially easier than three. I used to think that I would like a girl but I have accepted that I am very happy with my boys.

Ishani · 09/07/2011 23:01

Well we have 4 and my only advice to you is that the third child seems to be the straw that breaks the camels back in terms of everything in this world is geared towards two adults and two children, theme parks, hotel rooms, package holidays, cars, even houses are typically 2 decent bedrooms and a box.
The expense is not as simple as just handing down clothes to a third which might be a different sex or as you have 2 boys might not last to the third without looking tatty. The laundry and housework increases, there's less time to spend with each individual and of course less money to be shared between them. I say no a lot more than I say yes to requests these days.
I had three close together and then another 6 years later, if I could do it all again I'd have waited until number 2 was at school then had another 2 close together but you know what they say about telling God your plans.

Ishani · 09/07/2011 23:05

Oh and child three was an easy baby but is a fecking nightmare as children go, quite a shock to the system after two treasures, still waiting to see what number 4 will be like but I do wonder whether some of the problems we have with missy is down to the sheer exhaustion and running out of the energy to be as tough on her as toddler as we were with 1 and 2.

bosch · 09/07/2011 23:16

cherry, I've noticed that you're being a bit more positive!

Pointed out to dh earlier this year that we spent WAY more time debating whether or not to get a dog than we did deciding whether to have children

Initial decision was pretty much 'I've decided that I'd like a family' 'so have i' 'shall we get married then'. Job done.

We spent 18 months debating whether or not to get two cats or one dog after our last cat was pts. Dog is great btw!

Tuppenyrice · 09/07/2011 23:56

Vanilla - 2 is easier and calmer.
There are beautiful moment of course, when they all get on, when the oldest helps, when they all laugh, when I look at them and cry for the sheer flippin' beauty of it all. But there are the other times too...... When it ain't so pretty! Sad
I found 2 kids & a baby easy but now no3 is 18 months & fearless (was in A&E earlier....) I'm struggling. It's just so exhausting.
It's up to you OP. Of course. Life is not straightforward. You can't really plan. Maybe just see what happens?!

Let us know what you decide.

EggyAllenPoe · 10/07/2011 00:14

meh. in my totally unbiased opinion, you should go on and have three. screw the money aspect, that will work itself out one way or another.

two's company - three is a team.

as dd says 'we need More Children!' I find/found three easier as peer pressure is a very useful tool.

BoysisBackinTown · 10/07/2011 02:40

From what you've posted (and yes, influenced by my own situation Smile) I'd say go for it! I have 3 DSs aged 9,6 and 7 months. The third was after much agonising (bloody years of it) and now, even though I'm up MNing at 2:40 am because he's teething and not sleeping, I can honestly say my only regret is that we spent those years agonising and didn't just bloody do it!

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