to want MN to just tell me whether we should have a third child or not...

[cherryburton]

...because I've been mulling it backwards and forwards for over a year and we can't make up our minds about it.

We have two boys who are nearly 3 and nearly 5.
I'm nearly 35 and DH is nearly 39.
We are skint and live in rented accommodation after selling our house two years ago and making a big move to somewhere we wanted to be. DH had to take a huge drop in salary so that we could move away from where we were but it looks like a better job is on the horizon.

I've been a SAHM (on and off) since DS1 was born nearly five years ago, but I went back to work full time a few months back and am really enjoying not being a SAHM anymore. We're not really very much financially better off for me working as childcare eats up most of my money but I'm happier. It is only maternity cover though, and I may be unemployed again come January.

Common sense would say not to have any more - DS2 will start school next year and that's when I could start making money and keeping some of it, which would help us to buy a house. DS2 was a nightmare in terms of sleep for the first year and I had PND due to not getting longer than an hour uninterrupted for 11 months. (I exaggerate not.) The thought of going back to that scares me. And now the boys are a bit older life seems a bit easier.

But the thought of accepting that's that and we're done makes me feel sad and almost anxious. I've always subscribed to the "it's better to regret something you've done than something you haven't" school of thought, but I'm not sure that should apply to the creation of people when it will set us back financially by about four years. We're both thinking we're knocking on a bit in terms of wanting to start again and it feels a bit now or never - isn't it at 35 that it starts to get more difficult to conceive?

Sorry, it's a bit of a lengthy self indulgent ponder, but I literally spend every day obsessing about it and feeling under pressure to just decide one way or the other so we can just decide and get on with life.

How do you know when you're done? Should hormones take precedence over logic and common sense?

no get a dog instead

jump from 2 to 3 is much harder than 1 to 2

and you are just about to get some independence back

whatdoikno though - i have 4 from 17 to 7

I would love to have three, but given the situation you're in, with the finances and the PND and the sleep problems, I would say no, not yet.

Not to rule it out in the future, but in your present situation, I say No.

We have 3. It wasn't the number of children we wanted. It is much harder than going form 0-1 and 1-2 was but he is a smasher and worth everything.

I found going from 1-2 was very hard, but I think that was a lot to do with the 24 month age gap. I did find it very hard having a very active, demanding toddler and a brand new, constantly hungry, non-sleeping baby. I keep thinking that at least by the time we had another one, the other two would be out at school/nursery for all, or at least half of the time...

I did see a week old baby recently and had a very weird reaction, it wasn't even a baby of someone I know but it made me well up. Very embarrassing and not sure why I reacted like that!

I agree with those saying if you are questioning it, and asking for other peoples opinions, then you shouldn't . From a practical point of view, you aren't financially very secure, and it could be a lot of pressure starting all over again with sleepless nights and childcare costs. When your eldest starts school your costs will go down, and even if this job ends in January, I may lead to something else. Maternity covers can lead into jobs anyway, as women don't always return to work. You say you are much happier since getting back in the workplace.

Those are the practicalities. From the emotional perspective, I agree that were you to have a third, you would of course love and cherish it. But I don't think the flip side of that is that if you don't , you'd 'miss' an imaginary child. I think in reality, people are happy with the family they have . A parent of 4 children isn't necessarily happier than a parent of 3, who isn't necessarily happier than a parent of 2..... Do you see where I'm going? I do think there are a minority of women who really find it very hard to accept that their child bearing is over, but ime thats often about a lack of something in their life which then translates into yearning for another baby, and in these cases the woman will probably feel the same after 3,4 or however Many kids. You sound as though you have a lovely family and are contented as you are. So I think unless you have a desperate desire to have another family member and your dh feels the same, it would be unwise to feel you 'should'

Well, the obvious thing to write is that it is upto you.

I wouldn't if I were in the situation you described.

If you are not financially stable and have also had PND previously, I think that would take a huge toll on you, both financially and emotionally.
I think if you return to work, you might feel differently, that you enjoy getting your independence back.

I only have one DS at the moment and go through phases of really wanting another child and then thinking there is no way I could do that again.
I'm not saying never but at the moment, the financial situation is not good and I don't want to add more pressure to the situation.

I just remind myself of all the sleepness nights, demand feeding, weaning, mess with weaning and how much stuff that I would have to take, just to leave the house. That helps me :)

Good luck with whatever you decide.

i think number 3 is the hardest decision. one we're really struggling with. 1st one is a simple decision of do i want children or not, and then for most people number 2 is a given, but then number 3 has no obvious answer. the thing holding us back mostly is money, but then we had the first two at ideal times, but then both times things went tits up afterwards. if i wait 5 years til we're better off, and then it goes wrong again anyway i'll be peeved at the big gap for no gain. my 2 are the age now where i want to have another or decide no forever, but i'm 31 and think i might get taken over by the hormone fairy at 39 and end up with a much younger one

i dont think being unsure means you shouldnt, as your worries seem to be financial mostly. you only live once and i envy/shoot firey bitter rage at people who just have as many as they want whilst i will, 99% certainly, stick with 2 because its The Right Thing. mutter.

My response: Get a job instead.

Every mother I know has pined for more babies ... and stopped wanting more, after 2-3 years. Lots of other posters have just said the same thi, haven't they?

I don't know whether the pining comes from hormonal readjustments or 'nestitis' tbh; it's probably a bit of both. I think you should follow through with Plan A - new jobs for you both, a bit more financial stability and DC in a good routine.

In 3 years or so, all things being equal, your life will be in a totally different shape from the way it is now and your mindset will have changed. If you're still broody THEN, have a rethink! You won't be too old :)

Do it!

I have 2 DS, one just turned 4 and one 2.5 and also a DD 11 months so all very close in age. It was taken out of our hands in making the decision to have number 3, we knew we wanted a third,we had reached the time when we would get pregnant if we wanted the same age gap between children, so wasn't exactly careful and it happened 1st time - decision made!

I am now again at that time when we would be getting pregnant again and I am truly struggling knowing that we won't be having another one so I do understand what you are thinking, its horrible and emotional. I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding since end of 2006 and was the most non-maternal person I know pre all this but I LOVED pregnancy (even though number 3 was very hard -warning!) LOVED birth (crazy) LOVE baby days.

I am watching this thread with interest and hope that when these ladies say you do get over it and past the baby days its true as we just are so busy constantly not to mention knackered (and we have good sleepers) it would be the wrong thing to do for the family we have got so I have to say goodbye and be thankful for my wonderful experiences and just be happy with the memories - god I could cry now!

However, if I were you I would throw that caution to the wind and go for number 3, if you feel you have the time and energy for all concerned.

My own feeling is that you only get the one life. If you want three children, why not? You don't have a steady job to give up, you won't get maternity pay anyway, and the job market is just dire. You are not relying on your income as it is. And, I do think it is much much harder to jump back in once you are out of the baby stage.

If you read all that and thought 'god no', then that tells you what you need to know, but I don't intrinsically think you shouldn't, and I also think people project a lot of their own situation when replying (I know I am!)

Hmm i'm pregnant with DC3 due in september and have DS1 3.6 and DS2 2.2 - it is bloody hard work being pregnant- my 3 year old is a bloody nightmare and DS2 copies him - i am NOT going to cope come September and am so scared - DH is out 8 -7 5 days a week. This is a very much wanted baby and i badly hope I can get through the first year until DS1 starts school in september 2012. I think the idea of 3 is great but maybe reality is difficult. My only hope is that this is a DD and I must be due a good one - both DSs were non sleepers, and non settlers.

I mean I know that this is a DD so hoping for a different personality type too

Only you can decide. I thought i would just have 2 dd's and ended up with 3 (lax with contraception). 3rd was due in the 6 weeks before dd2 started school. I was mortified at the time. I also had a horrific pregnancy. I was really depressed whilst pregnant but absolutely fine once she was born.

I asked for my tubes tied but they refused as i have 3 dd's. I dont think i actually could have gone through with it as its so final.

I had my third (a "surprise") in a similar situation to you, and have posted quite a few times on MN "Don't" do it!"

DD is now nearly 6 and I may be a little broody (although there won't be a 4th Scavo baby!) but today I would say go for it.

I was broody as SIL just had a baby last week but then i looked at mine and thought no way [hgrin]

Tbh if you're that unsure I'd say no. And I have three children, two of which conceived after the age of 35. Having three children is absolutely great and if you decide to go for it you'll love it. But if I was as unsure as you are, I'd be concerned that I wouldn't be in a position to persuade my dh that it was such a top idea...

Good point, bocsh. If you have to ask, it probably isn't the right thing to do. I knew unreservedly, even with my "surprise" I desperately wanted that child.

I loved the idea of having 4 but after I had DS2 I knew that was it. I just don't have the patience and love my job too much. I have a friend who has 8 children and they are all wonderful and she is just an amazing mum but I think you've either got it or you haven't .....and I haven't.

Do you feel that there is a child missing in your family? I always felt this before I had my third. Having a third is a handful but wonderful. It brings another dimension to the family. I'm now expecting my fourth!

In your defence cherry, I'm not a libra (am virgo, not sure what that makes me after three children?) and dh and I often agree that our problems are 'bosch and mrbosch' problems - ie it doesn't really matter which way we decide.

Last nearly major bust up was when I wanted ds3 and he didn't. Pretty much everything else we basically agree on, and often the disagreement is not between ourselves, it's between two perfectly rational choices.

I am a third child, so strongly believe that third time lucky, dh is a 7th child, I am so glad his parents didn't worry about feeding all their children! They were never a burden on the state - they had their own home, anything they had was paid for by themselves, I am pretty sure if you really want that third child money issues won't stop you, you will manage because you have to.

My mother had three children very close together, my ds is now 7 and dh and I are ancient compared to you, but it wouldn't stop me having another, dh's Dad was 53 when he was born. You have to stop over thinking it and simplify your argument write it down one list why you don't want another child and one why you do, see which one is all about money and decide if that is more important to you!

Thanks for all the replies - it really is helping.

I think, in an ideal world, if we had tons of spare cash and lots of support, we'd just go for it and it would be a no brainer.

As it is, we know that we have no chance of getting a mortgage until DH has a better job. We do have a deposit saved, but it's only about £14k which isn't much in this climate. So basically, getting back on the property ladder is going to be an issue for a while either way, and maybe we shouldn't worry too much about it. We'll be able to buy another house one way or another in the next 15 years, am sure of that, and maybe we should stop stressing about that for the time being.

It is mainly money stopping us, although I do worry that we won't have the energy left. But that's another reason to do it now if at all, I can't see us having more energy as time goes by, and I don't think we'd want to get out of the baby stage and then go back.

glittercheeks - your post was lovely.

Allinabag - "My own feeling is that you only get the one life. If you want three children, why not? You don't have a steady job to give up, you won't get maternity pay anyway, and the job market is just dire. You are not relying on your income as it is. And, I do think it is much much harder to jump back in once you are out of the baby stage."

This pretty much sums up how I've been thinking about it. DH is going for a new job which we should know more about in the next month. If he gets it and we end up with me earning nothing we know we can just about survive on his salary - we won't be well off or have much spare for holidays and extras but we'd be alright. Come September this year DS2 will be getting 15 hours funded nursery care a week, he's already there full time so we'll be better off then, and even if my job goes south, he'd still go that 15 hours a week, and DS is will be starting his 2nd year at primary school, so I'll have much more time and space to focus on a new one.

I've nearly convinced myself.

(But am I being perverse because about 90% of you have said dont?!)