to expect my partner to put me above his mother?

[SparklePrincess]

My partner & I only see each other at weekends because his work is too far from where I live. He still lives with his mother about an hour away from here. We decided to sell my house & buy a place together close to his work & live as a family.

I am the one going through all the stress of keeping the house ready for viewers, agro from the kids (who dont want to move) & dealing with estate agents & solicitors, paperwork etc. On top of this I also have an alcoholic father causing huge amounts of stress & my mother died only a year ago. I also have an ex who persists in twisting the knife.

To be blunt, im unbelievably stressed, so much so I had an embarrassingly silly accident in my car last week. I dont think the other driver is taking action, but it shook me up.

The other day he announced he may not be able to come down this weekend because somebody had to be there for his mum.

His mother just has a minor surgery. Was in & out in a few hours. Ok, I accept its probably painful where the incisions are but she most certainly does NOT need 24/7 babysitting. Besides, she also has a daughter living there & a son in the area too.

If she was dying Id understand it, but she is a total malingerer & will milk any situation. She still uses her husbands death (19 years ago) in order to gain sympathy & frequently reinforces the children's sense of loss by encouraging them to buy flowers for their father & visit the grave, although she never goes there herself. I find the whole thing very distasteful tbh.

Now im being made out to be the bad guy, when really I dont see I am.

Am I unreasonable to expect him to support me?

Yes, I agree with you that a girl whose father died at aged 2 or 3 doesn't choose to go to a grave unless rammed down her throat. I, too, find this distasteful. I also find it significant that your mil does not visit grave. Yet the children must, sorry, but this is clearly a control tactic on her part.

I will agree that the ownership of the house should reflect who has contributed what. If there is a way of doing this, you would be wise to do so.
But do remember that if you marry him this agreement will go through the window! As it would any couple who made an agreement to own house in different shares then got married.

Do get this protection in place. If you do, you will still be taking a chance with this guy, but you would have taken a wise precaution.

As they say: hope for the best but be prepared for the worst!

Relationships where you live apart have a strain all of their own, which I think you are feeling especially at the moment.

However, I do think that you need to look carefully at the roles and responsbilities you adopt when you set up your new household together.

You are already a mother, running a house, tending to the cares and needs of your children. You describe yourself as a 'coper' and are probably very strong and efficient. Having come from a household where he is mothered, how is he going to slot into the picture?

I think that you almost need to leave space for him to grow into his new role. Right from moving day, make sure that he takes an equal share in the decisions - where do we put the cutlery? The crockery? Who will have which bedroom? Resist the temptation to take charge of everything relating to the household - even if the cutlery stays in a box for a week. Otherwise, there is a risk that he will simply slot back into that 'child' role.

I hope it works out for you.

I am bonkers zookeeper!! I think it helps in this life. :)

Wise words again Wamster. :) You see things as they are.

Thanks BranchingOut, very sensible advice there. I will resist the temptation to be a complete control freak with everything. I dont really think he has been mothered to much of an extent tbh. If anything he has been parenting his parent & a father figure to his sister for 18 years now. Thankfully now she is an adult with her own life & his obligation (as he saw it) has pretty much ended. Its a hard habit to break though I guess. He has been used to putting his own needs & life second for them. Now it is his time/our time. :) About bloody time. LOL!

You sound very selfish op. What is one weekend if his mum needs to be looked after? And what's the deal moving when your kids don't want to?

Thanks for such a sweeping statement when you have clearly not read any of the thread hairylights.

seriously, Sparkle, if you put that much capital into the house with nothing drawn up you are effectively gifting him half of your assets. If you fall out and sell he could rightfully demand half of the sales proceeds and you'd have to go to court to try to argue that you should get more. Which is expensive, stressful and slow with no guarantees of a good outcome for you. If he loves you he'll understand that you should draw up some kind of agreement. Why risk your dc's inheritance?

I'm not going to say anymore apart from this: You deserve a chance at happiness and so does he, I don't think he sounds like a mummy's boy at all, rather more a case of him being the 'strong man' for a weak mother.
Well I think he should have a chance of happiness to form a family of his own and transfer those nurturing skills elsewhere so I think you should at least try to live together but with the precaution that it is set on paper that the majority of house is yours and the contribution each of you has made reflects house ownership.

I think this is reasonable.

Aw, op, I feel quite uncharacteristically worried on your behalf.

Please listen to the sensible other posters who are telling you to protect your assets on behalf of your children. If you're putting in £190,000, and he's putting in £10,000, then splitting it 90/10 is unfair to you AND to your children.

Please also listen to what your children are telling you about how they feel about him. I can't imagine being made to live with my (disliked) stepfather - thankfully my mother waited until I left home before she made a home with him.

Make sure you are doing the right thing for all of you. Ask for help if you need it, you sound like you're at the end of your tether with no support - why is that? You say he's only an hour away. I drive an hour to and from work each day, it's a nice chill-out time where I wind down and listen to the radio. Why is he not willing to do this?

Look after yourself.

I don't think you are emotionally ready for all this upheaval and I'm sure that this has influenced your over-reaction to what isn't actually an unreasonable demand insofar as looking after someone who has just been discharged from hospital after surgery. It doesn't matter how minor, incidentally. If you have a general anaesthetic then you are expected to have someone with you for the first 24/48 hours. This applies to malingerers, too.

I respect your issues with your dp's mother, but there do seem to be an awful lot of warning flags here. Are you seriously happy buying your dp a house? Or even moving in with someone who has never left home? Personally, I'd want some sort of trial living together first even if this did involve a lengthy commute. Don't underestimate the attitude of your children either. Admittedly, they need to respect your need for a relationship but starting a new life with a partner they resent and blame for the disruption in their lives is a hell of an uphill struggle.

Sorry to sound so negative but I think you have an awful lot of careful, unstressed thinking to do right now lest you make a mistake that you come to regret.

The children used to love DP more than me. Its only their father stirring things. He is a nasty selfish man who wants me to be miserable. He's pathetic!! We actually had a really good weekend 85% of the time. Kids are very adaptable, & it is in their interests too.

Im not buying anyone a house. Even in a marriage split of assets is only 50/50 when original contributions to the partnership vary so wildly after a fair few years. Its the same if you live together, regardless of who's name the property is actually in. If the partner can prove a regular contribution towards the property they could well have a claim. Ive done all this fairly recently. The only sure fire way of protecting your assets is to never take the risk of happiness ever again. Im not money motivated, & my home is NOT my children's inheritance. It's up to them to make their own way in life. I wont be scrimping on my lifestyle to leave them money, lol.

I never actually said I was going to do a joint tenancy anyway. I will chat with the solicitor doing the conveyancing about what is best.

The only sure fire way of protecting your assets is to never take the risk of happiness ever again

What utter bollocks!!! Happiness is not dependent on 'assets', but 'assets' can easily be dissipated by those who don't believe that happiness comes from within.

Are you older than your dp? Could it be that you believe that he is your last chance of 'happiness'?

Say what?

That's exactly what I thought when I read what you'd written about assets and happiness!

You've said that he is 33 and that you'll be in charge of the finances because you've had 20 years experience - unless you started housekeeping at 13, this would suggest that you are older than he is.

You've also said words to the effect that 'Now it's our time' which is a tad unrealistic given that you have the needs of your children to consider.

It could be that your insecurities, which you've recognised, are making you sound overly needy and this may be why so many of us are urging caution.

Have you considered asking your dp-to-be to rent a place for a year, perhaps close to his work, so that you can experience living together as a family before you sell up? Renting your house out may provide additional income and will, at least, give you a fall-back position if your relationship goes pear-shaped.

OP, you don't sound cold hearted at all. You sound like you have a lot going, more than I could cope with.

OP's Mum only died last year, can other posters please be a bit more gentle. My condolences.

Regardless of whether the MIL needs 24/7 care or not, she has a daughter who also lives there and another son close by. They could divide the 'care' required so that the DP could support the OP. Maybe he could take the kids to the park for an hour while you have a cuppa?

Sparkle you can protect your assets and still be happy but you know best [hmmm]

After reading all the other posts, I would agree with Izzy.

If he was that committed to you, he would move in to your house and do the hour commute for a year.

Buying a house with someone before living with them is risky. To do that with kids is selfish. What if it doesn't work out?

It sounds as if you are putting everything into this relationship (money for house, moving to near his work), whilst he is doing all the taking. What does he put into this relationship?

Cant understand why you would uproot your DC and yourself to chase after somebody who cant be bothered to commute to work. Sounds highly risky and above all desperate !

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen

What are the arrangments for contact with ex ?

I agree that a 1 hour commute is very little and that having him live with you for a few weeks would be a good test of whether he's able to be independant from his mum. I would be very reluctant to move in with a man who has never lived away from his parents, and if I did would not want to be living near his parents. There are plenty of stories in here of mothers who try to cling on to their sons, especially if they have few friends and a poor relationship wiith/ divorce/ separation from their husband.
This mother sounds lazy and self centred from your first post. She is fairly young so I'm not sure why you have to live near there.
I would ensure you money is protected for yourself and your kids as if you move in with him and he constantly fusses over his mother the relationship won't last long.

Have you considered that the kids might not be happy about the move of their own volition, not because their father is stirring? Don't assume that, just because of your own history with him. Could it not be that he knows they're unhappy and is concerned for them?
Yes, kids can be adaptable. But that's with all other things being equal, which they're not in this case.
I've lost count of the times I've seen women justifying doing things they know their kids don't like when there's a boyfriend involved. How old are they?

Is your ex in a new relationship and if so do Dc get along with his partner ???