to expect my partner to put me above his mother?

[SparklePrincess]

My partner & I only see each other at weekends because his work is too far from where I live. He still lives with his mother about an hour away from here. We decided to sell my house & buy a place together close to his work & live as a family.

I am the one going through all the stress of keeping the house ready for viewers, agro from the kids (who dont want to move) & dealing with estate agents & solicitors, paperwork etc. On top of this I also have an alcoholic father causing huge amounts of stress & my mother died only a year ago. I also have an ex who persists in twisting the knife.

To be blunt, im unbelievably stressed, so much so I had an embarrassingly silly accident in my car last week. I dont think the other driver is taking action, but it shook me up.

The other day he announced he may not be able to come down this weekend because somebody had to be there for his mum.

His mother just has a minor surgery. Was in & out in a few hours. Ok, I accept its probably painful where the incisions are but she most certainly does NOT need 24/7 babysitting. Besides, she also has a daughter living there & a son in the area too.

If she was dying Id understand it, but she is a total malingerer & will milk any situation. She still uses her husbands death (19 years ago) in order to gain sympathy & frequently reinforces the children's sense of loss by encouraging them to buy flowers for their father & visit the grave, although she never goes there herself. I find the whole thing very distasteful tbh.

Now im being made out to be the bad guy, when really I dont see I am.

Am I unreasonable to expect him to support me?

I have to say I would be a bit worried about the future if MIL is clingy with your DP and your are considering moving within her orbit. Do you think she is going to start making demands of him when he moves in with you? Try and insert a wedge between you? Behave badly because she no longer comes first?

If I were you, I would think very carefully about uprooting your kids and selling your house to move further away.

In fact, I just wouldnt do it. You (and your kids) have not lived with this man yet, but you are preparing to BUY a house with him, away from everyone you both know, and he still lives in his childhood home with his mother, having never experienced truly fending for himself....

Very risky.....

Interesting subject. Here is my take on it. My MIL relied heavily on my DH for emotional support when he was a child. Her DH left her with 3 children and my DH took on the role of 'Man of the house' encouraged by MIL. I met him at 15 and there was a huge emotional tug of war because I think she was scared that he was being taken away from her. He felt terribly guilty for 'abandoning' her.

12 years and 4 kids later and after lots of talking we agree with each other that our marriage and our children are our priority. Then our parents and siblings and grandparents etc. MIL does not like this as she considers her own parents to be more important to her than her own children and expects her children to feel the same about her.

However, we are a family and we love each other. We both help all of our parents and siblings together whenever we can. I love his Mum and the rest of his family as my own....we are one family now.

I really feel for you OP. Sounds like you have had a really really rough time. But i do agree with Squeaky Toy. Is this man worth upsetting your children over?

Do you trust him to back you over his mother, when she kicks off? And she WILL kick off if she has to play second fiddle for the first time...

Do you trust him to prioritize you and your children's needs over hers?

Why are you moving? Why can't he?

Please, don't move unless you are absolutely sure he has your best interests at heart.

In my view, he should be looking for a job which enables him to get home at night, not expecting you to disrupt your kids lives against their wishes. Your kids should come first.

It is me & my children being expected to make the major changes & sacrifices while he carries on as before. I dont expect much really, & if we lived together it simply WOULDN'T be an issue.

yes it would, you would begrudge him going to see his mother, or visiting his fathers grave or some other nonsense

Wrong issue this time to make a fuss over, however, from your description of him generally, I do think that he sounds a bit of a mother's boy and I think that he would put her above you regardless of whether it was reasonable of him to do so, he has put her needs first for so long that I can't honestly see him doing the entirely natural thing of leaving and cleaving.
To be honest, a person really should put their spouses before their parents. Maybe he can do this, but I think you've a battle on your hands especially if he is over 25.

There is never going to be a law made about such things- and I would not want there to be one, crikey, we live in a (relatively) free country after all- but I think most children should be assisted to live separate from their parents after age of 18. Your dp is fulfilling the role of husband here with his mother (not sexually, obviously) and it ain bleeding natural.

Thanks for the comments... v interesting...

LRDTheFeministNutcase, you have hit the nail on the head with a lot of what you said.

I do make constant allowance for the fact that he doesn't understand the situation because he's never done it before, & because its my house there's not huge amounts he can do with regard to the paperwork etc. All I need is for him to be there & do what he can. I find the whole thing so stressful im at the stage where I cant eat & lack confidence in my driving now after the knock I had. I suppose I just need reasurance.

I do actually care about his mother, (despite the fact she drives me nuts) & asked for constant updates when she went in for the op. She's been home 3 days now.

Dp's eyes have been opened to his mothers ways recently. Before we got together he simply accepted things. I hate to slate his mum to him, but I did recently point out my anger when his mum expected him to still pay her rent & give his sister (an adult) £50 towards a laptop for university when he was on £65 a week job seekers. And the fact that her car & home are left to rack & ruin while she goes on long expensive cruises every year, then pleads poverty (despite having an income double mine & no dependents ) & expects to be subsidised by her kids. Dp knows I will not bail her out when were living together as a family, & he accepts it. He loves his mum, but he accepts she is a malingerer. Though I doubt he would be so blunt as to use that word. Lol!

I am not a bad or selfish person. Nothing could be further from the truth actually. I try so hard to please everyone I end up pleasing no one half the time. And I work away seemingly effortlessly without complaint getting more & more stressed & worked up until I suddenly explode up about something.

Perhaps I did over react a bit. But after a week without seeing him its what I cling on to & look forward to.. What keeps me from losing my marbles.

He is coming down here late evening to mine. I think his sister has unnecessarily changed her shift at the weekend to babysit She lives 4 doors down from where she works & only does 6 hour shifts so could pop in frequently. Im sure they all think im a right bitch. :(

What sort of person would stop their dp from seeing their mother or visiting their fathers grave oohjarWhatsit? Certainly not me. What an odd comment...

It is certainly weird him still being at home at age 33 Wamster. I think together we pretty much balance things out as ive moved home over 20 times. LOL!

In an ideal world he would find work near here... but he was unemployed for 5 months before he found his job he has now & is terrified it will happen again. Also, my special needs child is being failed drastically in the county we live in now. A move will benefit her greatly.

At the moment we live pretty much out in the sticks & will be going to a more central location, with local amenities & more work opportunities for me but still with great schools. I refused to move anywhere without good schools. :)

I believe he will put us & our family ahead of his "childhood family" He has shown this recently. No guarantees of course, but if you take no risks in life you stagnate. :)

Maybe he will put you first, but what about her? Will she let go of him easily? Maybe she will be gracious and not put up a fight at losing the one person who seems to have been fulfilling the husband role for her all these years, but maybe -and I'll be honest I think this is the most likely scenario here- she will not. Be prepared for a battle ahead.

YANBU You are in fact uprooting your and your DC's lives for this man, and he is doing what exactly?

Please, take a step back and think very carefully about what you are doing. At the very least, you need to get him to take some of the load of moving and stop doing absolutely everything as he may not even have any idea of just how much you are dealing with.

Seems as if you and your dc are having to uproot yourselves to accomodate him which will not be an auspicious start to to your new lives.

Does he usually spend the entire weekend with you - i.e arrives after work Friday and sets off Monday morning? Do you spend Christmas/New Year/holidays together?

Without knowing how long you've been with this man, ages of dc, whether you're expecting them to move schools etc, I'm with squeaky.

He still lives with his mother about an hour away from here So what's wrong with him doing a daily commute of 2 hours round trip?

He may not be a mummy's boy who expects egg & soldiers before he goes to work and dinner on the table when the conquering hero gets home from the daily grind, but if you go ahead with this move he's going to have a sympathetic bolthole on his doorstep that he can retreat to if the reality of 'independent living/married life' proves to be a shock to his system.

IMO you would be exceedingly foolish to up sticks without having experienced living together and, as you already have negative views about his dear mama, this would seem to be a case of 'rather you than me....'.

Please think again, and think hard, as you could be making a seriously costly mistake by selling up and moving at this point in time.

You are really stressed...and you've been through a heck of a lot.

Given that your partner lives close to his mother during the week, it wouldn't be unreasonable to expecxt his sister to keep an eye on the mother over the weekend....so that you can have some emotional support over the weekend.

Have also been through a couple of minor surgeries.but still felt awfulo for a few days afterwards and in need of a bit of tlc.

You don't seem to be getting enough support from your partner....you need to talk to him about this and let him know what you need. Spell it out!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy makes some very good points. On separate note, I don't know how people who have their in-laws really close to them cope. My ex-sil and her dh live a few doors away from ex-sil's mother (my ex-mil). I don't know how the poor bloke tolerates it. She is there every single day of their lives. She was/is a pain in the arse, but I should imagine even the best of mils would be a pain if you had to see them every day.

I feel sorry for your dp, though, your mil sounds an extremely selfish woman who needs a kick up the backside. It's not his fault, it's hers.

I don't think you are either selfish or hard hearted...

Some of the responses you got initially were completely un-sympathetic and showed no empathy!

I think you are someone at the end of your tether...you need a cuddle, reassurance and to unwind with your partner.

This mother does sound over dependent on your DP....and he should really be making you a priority (that's if he's serious about you).
That's NOT to say that he should neglect his mother in any way....

When you do get to have that quality time with him I would have a proper chat with him about how you are feeling and how you need to spend more time with him...and for him to contact you more when you are apart.

I can see you're stressed but can you really not spare him for a single weekend? Minor surgery it may be but she still probably needs looking after. Imagine how you'd feel after, say, a c-section or having an appendix removed, if he said he was buggering off to his mum's? If he were doing it every weekend fair enough but I think you should concede this one. If you don't you risk causing unbelievable resentment.

He has been conditioned by this wretched woman for years; I sincerely hope that the both of you manage to form the necessary boundaries as regards her and are happy. All the best.

I think you do not belong in that family, it sounds like they are all pretty OK with the situation and you are going to really stir things up and not in a good way.

Is he worth it? Is he worth a whole bunch of MIL shit, of moving your kids, selling your house? Will he be contributing up front towards the house? Whose names will be on the mortgage? What protection have you set up for your DC's financially if you move in together and something happens to you?

I have to say that if I had kids I would run a mile from a man who was still living with his mum at 33, I would think he was looking for a woman to take over from her in looking after him.

How long have you been together and how old are you? Really really think before you sell your biggest asset for a man. From what you have posted he doesn't sound like a good bet.

Think most of the caring has been from him to his mum, maybe he is just a nice guy who deserves a chance at having a family of his own.
And if his pathetic mum backs off, let us hope he can do this.

I can also see that the putting flowers on grave thing could be used as a 'look at me, my husband is dead' tactic on behalf of mil in order to guilt-trip the children into staying with her forever.

I will eat my hat if there isn't a large element of co-dependance involved here.

My brother still lives at home with my Mum, they have a very strange relationship where they cannot manage without the other but constantly bitch to whoever will listen about the situation.

If you only heard my brother's side of the story you would hear all about how selfish my Mum is and how she doesn't do anything and how he has to take care of her etc. Exactly the same from my mother's side. My brother is gay though and so brings her home extra sons instead of another woman to challenge her position. They are as bad as each other and I personally have never seen a situation as described in the OP where this wasn't the case.

Of course this guy is going to tell the OP how mean his Mummy is and how he is just trying to live his own life, all while having his soldiers cooked for him (as mentioned upthread) and his undies washed. Which is exactly what he will expect from OP and when she doesn't measure up to his Mummy, he will simply run home, which will be conveniently close because the OP has helpfully moved nearby.

When you have kids, you can't really afford to buy into a fucked up situation IMO.

But IF he is serious....he'll be bothered about the feelings of his DP..and will want to right the situation.

He'll also see the need to start creating a little distance between himself and the mother....and make himself a little less available.

If he's not prepared to do these things...and to make his partner a priority...then it really doesn't bode well for the future.

What LRDTheFeministNutcase said. Exactly.