to expect my partner to put me above his mother?

[SparklePrincess]

My partner & I only see each other at weekends because his work is too far from where I live. He still lives with his mother about an hour away from here. We decided to sell my house & buy a place together close to his work & live as a family.

I am the one going through all the stress of keeping the house ready for viewers, agro from the kids (who dont want to move) & dealing with estate agents & solicitors, paperwork etc. On top of this I also have an alcoholic father causing huge amounts of stress & my mother died only a year ago. I also have an ex who persists in twisting the knife.

To be blunt, im unbelievably stressed, so much so I had an embarrassingly silly accident in my car last week. I dont think the other driver is taking action, but it shook me up.

The other day he announced he may not be able to come down this weekend because somebody had to be there for his mum.

His mother just has a minor surgery. Was in & out in a few hours. Ok, I accept its probably painful where the incisions are but she most certainly does NOT need 24/7 babysitting. Besides, she also has a daughter living there & a son in the area too.

If she was dying Id understand it, but she is a total malingerer & will milk any situation. She still uses her husbands death (19 years ago) in order to gain sympathy & frequently reinforces the children's sense of loss by encouraging them to buy flowers for their father & visit the grave, although she never goes there herself. I find the whole thing very distasteful tbh.

Now im being made out to be the bad guy, when really I dont see I am.

Am I unreasonable to expect him to support me?

We have been together almost 3 years now. He used to come here Friday after work & stay till Monday morning & pop over one night in the week. Then he lost his job. Plan was to find something in this area so we could all be together. It didn't work... 5 months on he finally landed a slightly lesser job than the last one, but hopefully with prospects. This company is quite stable & his job is reasonably secure. Unfortunately it is over 2 hours drive from here in rush hour, so a nightmare commute. :(

He still comes here on a Friday but leaves Sunday night. Every other weekend I go & stay up there at his mums house Fri till Sun. We go on holidays together & do Christmas. He was a rock when my mum died & at her funeral. He is excellent with the kids who are currently awful & resent him because they blame him for the move. I think their father stirs an awful lot there. :( Despite all the grief I believe he does genuinely love me & the girls. We have grown & learned so much about each other in the last 3 years. I really believe we have a chance now.

Another plus for the move is I have been having an ongoing battle about my dd with special needs diagnosis & school provision. Been feeling like im banging my head against a brick wall as im getting nowhere here after 4 years & her education continues to suffer. :( I know its drastic moving the kids schools, but at the end of the day its in their interests too. They can walk to school at the new place. Their friends will be local. They can go to the cinema, park, swimming pool, shops, train station etc by bus rather than a half hour drive away.

I dont think the MIL will be around harassing us every day tbh. She doesn't tend to do much for herself if anyone else can do it. She wont even drive over to visit her other son, expects to be taken there by someone else She never once drove to see her daughter when she was at university. She expects people to come to her & the brother certainly doesn't pander to her, neither does the sister if she has other stuff to do. Its poor old dp that's always been expected to do it all & he knows & accepts I will not do that.

I think he has woken up & smelt the coffee now tbh. :)

Thanks all. Especially Wamster. You see the situation as it really is. :) This thread is moving quicker than I am. LOL! :)

Whatever the situation, and your difficulties your MIL is having an op. She needs him for this weekend. If you want to make a stand this is not the thing to be doing it over. Belittling his mum and calling her a malingerer isn't going to make you look like a fair or reasonable person.

TBH I really feel people get angry with others about things that resonate in themselves. I think you are angry with her because she relies on others and you haven't got that option. I think you are annoyed at DP as he offers her the support you crave. I would focus less on thier failings and work on your feelings of loss and abandonment. Just a thought.

I do hope your dp is taking a financial risk when you move together in the form of a large deposit because if all goes wrong he may run to mummy and you will loose your house if you cannot afford to keep it. The mortgage will be secured on your house and he will have no interest in it and can walk away.

maybe a bit hash but be careful

Ormirian. She had the op & has been home for over 3 days now. It was v minor tbh. She has her daughter, son in law other son & daughter in law & friends. She doesn't need everyone pandering over her.

She's not ill, she's not dying, she had a minor every day op, nothing more. When dp had his gallbladder out a year ago she didn't take time off work to look after him, he managed by himself, & that was pretty major surgery. I feel dp's priority is with us during what is a nightmare time.

I didn't say to dp she is a malingerer btw. He knows she is.

Interesting thinking DoMeDon. I do have feelings of loss & abandonment from my ex & my childhood. I crave stability. I do need lots of reassurance at the mo. Im sure things will settle down once we all move in together. :)

I see what you're saying POWDERPUFF2. My uncle is always going on about pre nups etc. The main part of the deposit will be my house so the risk is mainly mine in that respect. He does have several thousand of his own he is contributing, & his wage will pay towards the mortgage. Tbh I think were stable. Everything in life has a risk doesn't it? I married my ex & it went wrong. Ill try harder this time. :)

Maybe a rude question but what are the sums so we can get a grasp of the situation as a whole

Not literally above his mother, I trust

will you be buying as joint tenants or tenants in common?
tenants in common setting out who owns what might be better ...

you will be closer to his mother right?

has he ever lived away from his mother?

Im putting in about 190k. He's putting in about 10k. The mortgage will be about 100k & his wage will cover that. Similar split of finances as when I got with my ex tbh. When the contracts are drawn up I could do tenants in common with percentages held noted down.

We were thinking the same there cestlavielife. I might get a clause saying it will change to joint tenants after a certain amount of time, not sure yet.

We will be 10 minutes drive from the MIL.

No, he has never lived away from his mother. But to be fair he can cook, wash etc & I will take charge of finances coz ive got 20 odd years experience.

Is DP putting in all his savings because this is sounding like 95% risk on your part

are you working?
you say he will pay the mortgage? so what will you pay ? will the mortgage be joint?

question over living from home not about cooking/cleaning - but about living with a partner and DC - as opposed to being a grown up adult at home with mother - maybe with a lot of freedom or maybe living to her wishes and needs? is he escaping her ? will she be calling on him to be round there every week night on some pretext? wil he say no?

but you know him best :)

In your situation I would perhaps look at buying the house in your sole name and then possibly charging him rent or something.

Based solely on what you have posted I reckon this will go tits up. 10 minutes from an overbearing MIL when you know he won't stand up to her?

I hope I am wrong, but I doubt it.

Suggest you 'try before you buy'.

Are you seriously thinking of MOVING IN with a man who still lives with his mother and who has only spent weekends at your place?! What happens when he can't cope with the minutae of everyday living? The clothes everywhere and washing up? Putting the bins out and cleaning the toilet? Try before you buy and then only buy what you can afford yourself. It seems like he's getting a VERY CHEAP way out of living at his mothers.You seem intelligent and with your head screwed on,please think some more about the apronstrings he's slowly being strangled by.Once he's gone,if you live near you can bet she WILL be round day and night.

It's not a ranking system, OP, your partner is free to spend time with his mother if he wants to - or with you - or with whomever. If you have to force him into doing/not doing something then you might as well not bother. He doesn't sound very committed to you and I wonder how long you've been together if you've gone through divorce in the last two years? Perhaps you're looking for him to fulfill a role that he doesn't see himself in?

You're putting in £190k and he's putting in £10k. He's 33 and has always lived with his mother. OP, is your partner the only one who needs to wake up and smell the coffee?

You obviously trust him, but you have DC and he does not; I think you need to arrange things legally/financially to protect not just yourself but your children's finances. Hope for the best but plan for the worst, and all that?

You do sound very stressed. My worry for you is that your need for support (I have been a single mother for the best part of 20+ years with an awkward bastard of an ex so I know what it's like) and some stability is clouding your judgement. Step back for a moment and think what you'd say if your friend was investing everything she (and her children) owned, moving away (when her children don't want to), to be with a man who has never lived on his own (and is investing only a small amount himself and could easily move back with his mother with no upset to his life at all).

I hope I'm wrong and everything works out tickety-boo for you, but there could well be better security and stability for you if you don't move.

Good luck.

So, you're uprooting your children, who are really not happy about it, to move in with a man who is 33, still lives with his mum, and whom your children resent.

You are irritated about the fact that he wants to look after his mum following surgery, that he puts flowers on his dads grave (MIL forces him to do this of course) and that MIL's house is going to rack and ruin while she goes off on holiday several times a year.

You are putting £190k, he is putting £10k into the new property that you are buying together. You have no experience of living with this man.

I really admire your optimism. I'm going to be honest, I think you're either really brave or really stupid. I think this has potential huge fucking disaster written all over it. I hope it works out for you and that he turns out to be worth it.

so who will pay for the moving charges which must be around 13-15,000 including stamp duty??

I'm sorry to say OP but alarm bells are ringing here too.

The bells are many and various:

• He's always lived with his mother...he's 33
• he is investing hardly anything in the property - you need to protect your money to the hilt here
• your kids resent him - this will cause friction
• you've never spent more than a weekend living together
• you seem to resent his family = friction

It all seems like a very flimsy foundation to move your whole life for :o

That was supposed to be not :o

You say in a previous post that you would like to be put first 'for once'. I'm afraid that sounds like you don't feel that your partner ever puts you first and that would worry me if you are setting up a home with this man.

I think there are other issues to be sorted out rather than just him not coming to see you for a weekend, and that would be my priority, rather than selling up.

Ok, some of you are jumping to huge conclusions here & not reading the entire thread where many of the questions are answered.

He did not say he was definitely staying, only possibly. He did not stay there. No need with lots of others around, & of course she is fine as it was a v minor op. She simply likes to milk it whenever she can.

My reference to being put first once doesn't really relate to him or our relationship. I have been let down a lot in the past, most recently by family members who you would generally expect to be able to rely on. Hence I find it hard to trust people.

I was just venting a bit in my OP & maybe getting a little carried away. I do find his mother & her neediness an annoyance in comparison to my own mother who never asked for assistance despite the fact she was dying of cancer, or elderly people I know who have had major operations but simply carry on with their lives.

The whole putting flowers on grave thing is a personal one, its not my thing, but I do buy Carnations on my mums birthday & mothers day for the house, so similarish. DP doesn't let it rule his life, its just a birthday & fathers day thing. However to quote Wamster "I can also see that the putting flowers on grave thing could be used as a 'look at me, my husband is dead' tactic on behalf of mil in order to guilt-trip the children into staying with her forever" Nail on the head I think there. A girl who's father died when she was 2 or 3 doesn't choose to go to a grave or grieve over something she's never known unless its been constantly rammed down her throat, & that's what I find distasteful.

Yes, the house split will be 90/10 with my contribution including the fee's. This is the reason i was considering going down the "tenants in common" route. But in reality, you dont go into a relationship expecting it to go wrong. I think our relationship is very strong, far stronger than with the man I married. We are not rushing into anything. Its been 3 years now. Weve had our ups & downs, but its made us stronger. :)

Everybody expects relationships to last but often they don't - you should go down the tenants in common route and have a legal agreement drawn up to reflect your wildly differing contributions to the property and what you would expect to happen to it if you separated. If you don't do that you are, well, bonkers