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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pretty annoyed by this, as a SAHM?

66 replies

CoffeeMum · 08/07/2011 06:28

We recently got a new mortgage, and though I am a SAHM, so not actually bringing money into the house right now, the mortgage is held jointly between us. It hadn't occurred to us to do it any other way as DH supports my contribution as a SAHM, just as I value his contribution as sole money earner.

Anyway, a letter arrived yesterday from the company we've taken the mortgage out with, offering us a homeowner loan. Presumably, as the mortgage is held jointly between us, we're both homeowners. Why then, was the loan offer addressed only to my husband?

Am actually really a bit angry about this TBH. Thoughts, if you'd be so kind!

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
worm77daisy · 08/07/2011 06:34

We both work and the mortgage is joint and half the utility bills are in my name, HOWEVER, all mortgage coresspondence is addressed to DH! I even bought this up with the bank and they said it is just sent to first named mortgagee...

Nailitorelse · 08/07/2011 06:34

They obviously know who make the important decisions in life.....NOT!
That said it must be quite difficult for them to address letters to women - do you put MRS, or MISS, or MS - do you put MR & MRS - or MRS & MR - someone somewhere is bound to take offence - whereas for men its very simple - you address it to MR !!

GotArt · 08/07/2011 06:38

I don't know... ours are always addressed to the both of us.

Original poster
CoffeeMum · 08/07/2011 06:38

Thanks both. But worm77daisy, itsn't it just so disrespectful to simply only address the man? And nailitorelse, couldn't they just use the exact titles that the mortgage holders have used themselves? We've only just filled in the mortgage application, so as we refer to ourselves as Mr and Mrs x, can't they just call us that? Annoying...

OP posts:
GotArt · 08/07/2011 06:39

I'm a SAHM too.

mummytime · 08/07/2011 06:41

Well they obviously don't know much because as the SAHM I am the one who deals with this kind of thing (DH is too busy :) ).

TillyIpswitch · 08/07/2011 06:44

YANBU in the slightest. What good reason can they possibly have for only addressing it to one party?

If the Mr/Mrs/Ms thing is so potentially fraught, how about addressing it to Initial/S Surname and Initial/S Surname? Novel concept... Hmm

Original poster
CoffeeMum · 08/07/2011 06:48

And re confusion about a woman's title - what do they do if the mortgage is held solely by a woman? [imagine that]

Got Art, glad to hear other SAHMs are being acknowledged!

And yes mummytime, i deal with all the finances around here too, am far more organised about money than DH, in fact.

OP posts:
PeggyCarter · 08/07/2011 06:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsbiscuits · 08/07/2011 06:51

YANBU When DH and I got our joint mortgage although I was working we didn't use any of my salary information to secure it as it was only part time and I was thinking about going back to College. However, it was taken out in joint names and all correspondence has always been addressed to both of us ever since and I would have made a fuss if it hadn't been.

PeggyCarter · 08/07/2011 06:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CoffeeMum · 08/07/2011 06:54

Okay, see your point Puddlejumper, the first named person might not always be the man. But let's face it, in a world where 'Mr and Mrs' rolls off the tongue more easily than 'Mrs and Mr', won't the first named person often end up being the man? And even if it was the man being sidelined, that's just as bad isn't it? It completely negates one 'half' of the couple's contribution.
I'm only assuming a link to my SAHM status because all previous mortgage paperwork has been sent to both of us - this is the first time it hasn't, and it's only happened since i've become a SAHM. But yes, it could be a coincidence, I suppose.
Just seems odd, in this day and age and all, to only send these things to one person - how much longer would it take to type a second name?!

OP posts:
HeavyHeidi · 08/07/2011 07:02

well, I make almost all the money in our household, DH takes care of the home. the bank knows very well where the money is coming from. We changed banks recently and I just discovered that while DH has of course internet bank access to all our accounts, I only have access to the current account. The little wifey obviously does not need to worry her pretty little head about those complicated money matters..

A couple I know opened an account on her name, she makes all the money, he is SAHD. He just has a debit card, nothing else to do with the account. They gave her work address as contact address. and guess what, all the letters are sent to her workplace, for him. He does not work there.

And I think I read it on MN that a couple was opening a joint account, she made all or most of the money. The bank clerk told them that it's not very common to give your spouse full access to all your money. "Yes, but I don't mind" said she. "Well, of course you wouldn't", said the clerk rolling his eyes. Even though, as said, it was her money.

Banks, as far as feminism is concerned, are still stuck in some previous centuries.

CalmaLlamaDown · 08/07/2011 07:04

How would your mortgage lender know that you were now a SaHM? I think this could be a co-incidence, but your reaction to this incident, ie getting offended enough to post here, says to me that you might not be 100% happy not working outside the home?

follyfoot · 08/07/2011 07:08

Coffeemum when you fill in your mortgage application, you dont put Mr and Mrs Coffeemum, you put your names. If you put your name first then you will get the letters. Nothing to do with you being at home. That said, I entirely agree that letters should go to both parties.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2011 07:24

YANBU to think you're being overlooked but YABU to think it only happens to SAHMs. As a female singleton I automatically throw away junk mail that arrives for 'Mr' Cogito. Any cold calls asking to speak to 'Mr' Cogito get the same treatment. And any companies I buy goods or services from, if they make the same mistake (which they do), are replaced.

Iteotwawki · 08/07/2011 07:25

Why on earth would it not be common to give your spouse access to most or all of the shared family money?! What a bloody daft comment.

I am sole earner for our family, my husband is a SAHD (as well as my practice manager / PA / tax return completer / bill sorter etc) How is he going to sort the family finances (he has a much better head for money juggling than I do) if he doesn't have access to it?

Original poster
CoffeeMum · 08/07/2011 07:25

CalmaLlamaDown, I think they will assume i'm a stay at home mum because my salary was entered on the mortgage application as zero, and we stated that we have two children, ie. dependents. I'm offended because they have [in my eyes] over ridden our choice to be joint mortgage holders by addressing the letter just to DH. I'm totally happy to be a SAHM right now, but i'm less happy with the way my mortgage lender appears to have completely negated my contribution. After all, a mortgage is for a family home, not just a financial investment, isn't it?
follyfood, i suppose putting my name first might make them address me - but then aren't they just ignoring my husband? Really don't understand why they can't use two names. It's only one extra name. A JOINT mortgage is just that. It's not like mortgages are commonly held between seven people is it?
HeavyHeidi - some very depressing stories there, which do seem to point to the fact the man is recognised over the woman even when the woman is making the money [if that's what the banks are choosing to put value on].
Thanks for your replies

OP posts:
Iteotwawki · 08/07/2011 07:28

Oh and OP - I think you're being unreasonable to feel so strongly about it. As long as you feel your home situation is fair and equal, does it matter who the letters are addressed to? My husband opens all the mail anyway, regardless of who it's officially addressed to - he puts a pile aside for stuff he thinks I need to deal with (and then spends a week or 2 nagging me and then deals with it himself).

VFVF · 08/07/2011 07:28

coffeemum if it makes you feel better, our joint account correspondance is always only addressed to me and not DH, and I'm a SAHM! Obviously HSBC values who the family accountant is Grin

altinkum · 08/07/2011 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CoffeeMum · 08/07/2011 07:29

follyfoot - sorry, not only did i spell your name wrong, but I also now see that you are in agreement about letters getting sent to both people. Apologies Blush
cogito - awful, just as unacceptable. I remember when DH and I were moving out of our first flat [which i'd purchased alone, originally]. All the estate agents were talking only to DH, even though, on paper, the flat was mine. Grrr
Iteotwawki - exactly! i'm at home, sorting all the finances out while DH is out earning the bucks. Not much help if i can't get to the accounts.
Seriously - it's 2011!! Maybe I should venture over to the Feminism section!

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeMum · 08/07/2011 07:32

Thanks for further replies - don't get me wrong, i'm not lying awake at night seething about it, but I did think it was pertinent enough a point to bring to Mumsnet as we're mainly women on here, and therefore likely to have thoughts and opinions about how women [not just SAHMs] are perceived by the world as a whole. And the fact that people have already replied with similar opinions and experiences bears that out I reckon.
Yes, there are bigger issues! But I just thought this one was worth a bit of a mention.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe80nappies · 08/07/2011 07:38

I think you're being a bit oversensitive about it.

We have a joint mortgage and all correspondence is sent to both of us. We each get offers of loans, insurance etc etc from our mortgage provider - but these are sent to us in our individual names.

From the bank we get some correspondence addressed jointly (for our joint account), and then other things separately for our individual accounts.

Generally all marketing/sales/offers type stuff is only addressed to one person. Now if our annual mortgage statement turned up and was only addressed to DH then I would have a problem, but that hasn't happened.

I am a SAHM

DoMeDon · 08/07/2011 07:39

The write to the first named mortgagee - that's me in this house. Think it' s more a reflection of how you percive others view your role.

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