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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pretty annoyed by this, as a SAHM?

66 replies

CoffeeMum · 08/07/2011 06:28

We recently got a new mortgage, and though I am a SAHM, so not actually bringing money into the house right now, the mortgage is held jointly between us. It hadn't occurred to us to do it any other way as DH supports my contribution as a SAHM, just as I value his contribution as sole money earner.

Anyway, a letter arrived yesterday from the company we've taken the mortgage out with, offering us a homeowner loan. Presumably, as the mortgage is held jointly between us, we're both homeowners. Why then, was the loan offer addressed only to my husband?

Am actually really a bit angry about this TBH. Thoughts, if you'd be so kind!

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
BiscuitNibbler · 08/07/2011 07:46

YABU. I'm a SAHM but the first-named on the mortgage, so all post comes to me. My DH doesn't even get a vote at the AGM.

CurrySpice · 08/07/2011 07:50

Why isit only offensive if you're a SAHM? That's a genuine question. I'm puzzled as to why a woman who WOTH would be any more or less pissed off at this

feckwit · 08/07/2011 07:56

I would have just assumed that they knew I had no personal income so any loan would be taken out by my husband.

Morloth · 08/07/2011 08:07

I am sure it is the just the first name on the mortgage.

I am a SAHM and ours is a joint mortgage but as my name was written down first on the documents most of the correspondence is addressed to me.

Or me Mr and Ms Morloth's LastName. But DH doesn't get his boxers in a twist because it doesn't actually matter.

Pagwatch · 08/07/2011 08:15

You are inferring things that are not there.

Like others I am a sahm but my name is first on one of our accounts and on the mortgage and, if correspondence is just addressed to one of us, it is addressed to me.

I am very comfortable with my our position and this would not bother me at all. Have you wondered why you take it as a snub? I think it is more about your perceptions of your role than anyone elses tbh

Dozer · 08/07/2011 08:30

Yabu, many companies are useless and just write to whoever made the first phone call or whatever. Just tell them to address future letters to you both.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/07/2011 09:15

I think you are reading too much into this. If either of you were to take out a loan secured on the house, I think both of you would have to sign the agreement, irrespective of whose name was actually on the loan, because you both own the house.

I was recently talking on the phone to my bank and the man in the call centre asked me what I do for a living. I said I am a SAHM and he said "so you spend just spend your husband's money then?" I was Shock that some people still feel a financial contribution is the only one that counts. I told him that actually I spend our money, as I am at home looking after our children! Cheeky fucker - can't believe these people are still let loose on the public.

valiumredhead · 08/07/2011 09:19

Everything is addressed to both of us. How odd.

Kalinda · 08/07/2011 09:21

I think it's probably nothing more than your DH being first named on the mortgage account. It depends on the organisation too, our previous mortgagee correspondence was always addressed to both of us, our current one to my DH only. Our joint account has my DH's name first and he gets receipt of my credit cards. The flip side of this is that our savings account has my name first and all correspondence is addressed to me only.

whackamole · 08/07/2011 09:23

Ours are always addressed to me as I am the first applicant. Also we have different surnames, although not sure that is really relevant!

PinotLovesRonWeasley · 08/07/2011 09:35

Life is too short to worry about things like this.

There are many, many benefits to being a SAHM. Being the first applicant on bank stuff isn't one of them.

And that's fine by me.

HeavyHeidi · 08/07/2011 09:45

Iteotwawki, well the little woman only needs to have a bit of household money, apparently, and not access to all his funds.
Another guy I know, when they wanted to open a joint account with his wife, was actually taken aside by the bank manager, who then quietly asked if he is sure and explained that there are options to keep some money on accounts the wife does not need to know about. Ok, this was in Switzerland that is stuck in middle ages when women's rights are concerned, but still Shock

betterwhenthesunshines · 08/07/2011 09:45

I am SAHM, we have an offset mortgage in both our names and each month we get an interest statement - 2 copies, one addressed to each of us. It may that offset mortgages have a different arrangement (as I don't rememebr this happening with our repayment mortgage) but the bank said it was a legal requirement to send it to both of us.

CurrySpice · 08/07/2011 10:23

I still don'[t get why a SAHM would be more pissed off than anyone else Blush

lauzb · 08/07/2011 10:30

Someone will probably be along to correct me, but I'm sure a couple of lenders are funny about even putting SAHMs on new mortgages...and instead have them sign an occupancy form waiving their 'squatters rights'!

Now that takes the piss to me!

BadBagel · 08/07/2011 10:33

Me neither Curry :)

rainbowtoenails · 08/07/2011 10:58

There are a lot of naive ppl on this thread. It is sexism and should be illegal.

Op- your hunce is right, the bank do not value your sahm status. It's shit.

I solely own my house but when we had a joiner in doing work he ignored me and only listened to dp. Maybe you need to put this on the feminism board to get some mor3 enlightened posts.

Morloth · 08/07/2011 11:04

OK rainbow but that theory doesn't explain why all the correspondence from our joint accounts/mortgage/credit cards etc are addressed to me in my name and not to DH.

How can it be sexism when exactly the same thing is happening to us but in reverse? Don't you think it is in fact more likely that the OP's DH is in fact Applicant 1 on the mortgage and therefore when the computer fills in the address details it just grabs it from the Applicant 1 box?

It is very unlikely there is an actual person addressing each letter/envelope, it is just getting the info from the database.

Morloth · 08/07/2011 11:05

Extraneous 'in fact' there.

CurrySpice · 08/07/2011 11:07

I agree Morloth. And rainbowtoes I'm sure the work status of the OP has nothing to do with it either

eurochick · 08/07/2011 11:07

Hang on, from what I am reading this wasn't a letter about the mortgage, it was an offer - junk mail - to take out an additional loan. Some marketing type has obviously decided that your husband looks like a candidate to take out a homeowner loan this week and for whatever reason you don't.

If this was official mortgage correspondence, you would be right to be p1ssed off but it isn't. And if your husband did want to take out the loan, I am sure he wouldn't be able to without notifying you as you are a joint mortgagor with him.

CurrySpice · 08/07/2011 11:16

Yes, eurochick is also right - it's a piece of junk mail. Unclench!

Original poster
CoffeeMum · 08/07/2011 11:17

Thanks all for your replies - okay, to answer all your points [hopefully!]

SAHM should be no more offended than WOHM not to be mentioned in mortgage related paperwork. I'm no more offended by this than I would be as a WOHM. In fact, as i said, i was irritated in the past by an estate agent who sidelined me and spoke only to DH - when I worked [and earned more than DH, at the time].

I'm just finding it weird that for the FIRST time, i wasn't mentioned in the paperwork, and it's ONLY HAPPENED since i became SAHM with no income. If it had been happening since DH and i got a joint mortgage, over eight years ago, i'd find it easier to accept as a clerical/administration thing.

Really can't understand why they only address one person of the [say] couple - how much harder is it to address both people? Both people contribue to the mortgage really. Whoever doesn't get mentioned is being sidelined on some level. I'd be pretty annoyed too if the letter had just come to me - i'd wonder why they didn't have the decency to address my husband who is out working hard to make the payments [while i support him and the kids to make it easier for him to do that].

I have no problem at all being a SAHM - but i can't lie and say I don't sometimes have an issue with the perception of the role. Alot of people think you laze around, watch daytime tv, sponge off your husband, and don't have as valid a place in society because you don't earn actual money. I think it's a big shame that more value isn't placed on the role - but i'm digressing, and i don't want to go off ranting about SAHM/WOHM etc. Just want to assure those who wondered whether i wasn't happy being a SAHM and was transferring, or something.

That was longer than i meant it to be, but hope i've responded to everyone! Thanks for your replies - a bit of food for thought here.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeMum · 08/07/2011 11:20

Curryspice, i'm completely unclenched, thanks. Just expressing a bit of annoyance in a rational manner, which I believe is allowed, when annoyed.
Eurochick - no it wasn't from random marketers - that's the thing. It came from our mortgage company with whom we have literally just taken out a JOINT mortgage.

OP posts:
eurochick · 08/07/2011 11:21

To add to the sexist tales on the thread though, a few years ago before we were married, we booked a holiday in Egypt. The amount was too much for Mr euro's credit card so I booked and paid for the whole thing, with him reimbursing me later. When we arrived he was given an envelope addressed to him containing all of the hotel vouchers, return plane tickets, etc. My name was nowhere. He had not at the time paid a penny towards the trip.