AIBU to be astounded a 20 year old friend is having IVF?

[Billygean]

Hi all

First ever thread!

I'm 26, but in my SO's 'group' there is a girl of 20 who's married my SO's friend who's about 27. They got married when she was 18. Generally they're quite a difficult couple, they argue a lot in public, put passive-aggressive updates on facebook etc and we don't have too much to do with them within the group. Neither has a very good job (they're both quite unhappy work wise, that much is clear), neither drive, no money, etc.

Anyway they have been trying to have children since they got married and apparently he has a low sperm count. AFAIK they haven't addressed other factors (stress, diet, alcohol etc) first.

I know I should just think "each to their own" and so on, but I'm astounded that they're choosing to have their only NHS go on IVF now! I just think she's only (just) 20, and they have so much TIME.

AIBU?

I don't see the problem, I had my 1st aged 20 as I was ready.

Hulababy and Birdsgottafly make excellent points. What you see from the outside (ie. what they choose to tell you) may not be the whole story. They may have discovered over the past two years that they never be able to conceive naturally, and now have no choice but to go through IVF for other reasons that you don't know about, reasons that no amount of time or lifestyle changes can ever solve.

Sorry if I'm being dim, but what is a SO's group?

It's all very well for you to be shocked that this person is having IVF, but at the end of the day it's 0% of your business - is between them and their Doctor's.

20 is quite young, but maybe there are deeper issues that you don't know about? Express your surprise here, or in private, but don't say it in front of them unless you're going to be respectful and loving.

Welcome to Mumsnet, by the way :) You and I are the same age :)

YABcompletelyandutterlyU - not to mention unpleasant and judgemental
They've been married two years (ttc two years?) and he has low sperm count should they try for years and years?

YANBU to be surprised, but if it's anything more than just 'slightly taken aback' YABU. I see where you're coming from to an extent: in my head (which is a very silly place) IVF isn't taken up by people who haven't been trying for years - but reading their circumstances it sounds as if it is necessary (and wouldn't be given to them if the NHS felt it unnecessary). If I hadn't been able to conceive quite early we would have gone the IVF route, but we knew there was a chance this might be necessary as DH had had testicular cancer (and might have had his count nuked into oblivion). I would have been on the IVF route aged c.24/5, much earlier than the pre-conceived notion of when people do that.

I think YABU because fertility declines with age.

Presumably they have explored the (easy) natural ways of increasing sperm count like improving diet, cutting out smoking and drinking, keep cool etc. If so they may as well have NHS IVF now. If not, its mad that the NHS is prepared to fund the IVF.....

Ok, seems the verdict's in! IABU.

Of course I would never express my thoughts to them - musing on the internet in an anonymous space is a bit different.

Foreverondiet - no they haven't tried those things (see original post), which contributed to my surprise.

Hmm I don't know.

I'm not against funded IVF for a 20 year old if it was needed but a low sperm count can be helped by diet,cutting out alcohol,caffein,smoking,cycling and vitamins(my dp's was and he was 36).

So if the op has given the whole story and this is pretty much it I'm a bit hacked off that free IVF can be doled out so easily to somebody who doesn't need it to the extent that a couple say with PCOS,endo,dodgy tubes,zero sperm and a whole other list of things that pretty much give IVF as the only option ie their problem could be solved without the need for IVF,others aren't so lucky.

If free IVF is given out so easily no wonder there isn't enough to go round.Sorry I am a little as somebody who gave up waiting to get free IVF at 33 so sold my flat to pay for my own due to us as a couple having all the above problems.

A 20 year old woman has plenty of time.I was 35 and it worked.Even if she did it at 25 her chances would be much better than the majority of women doing it.

However if there is a whole lot of other details we don't know which is possible as they may wish to keep things private then I'd be pleased for them.As it stands with the details being a 20 year old with a low sperm count, only 2 years of trying and possibly no life changes then op yanbu.

The DP has low sperm count, to get IVF they would have had to explore if any other stategies would work; change of diet etc, posters on here are not fertility experts, their doctors have made the decision IVF is what is needed, that should not be questioned by stangers.

My DD will not ovulate by changing diet or anything else that others have suggested, she will need IVF, it is some couples only choice.

ivf has numerous criteria and eligibility and their consultant has approved ivf. so best keep schtum about your misgivings

Hmmmm it is very easy to say you've changed your lifestyle ie no proof is needed.If you know it's going to be paid for the incentive to go alcohol/caffein free for a year (like we did in desperation)isn't exactly there.

For a couple with our problems it was bloody obvious from scan/lap results.

I am shocked that it's been given so easily unless his count is zero and he has
a physical problem(variocele sp?) that means the count can't be altered.

Third person to ask now: what's an SO??

btw, sorry Milky

Sorry - someone did guess SO earlier on! It's Significant Other, and by his group I meant his friendship group, from home.

Re eligabilty don't you just need to live in the right place and have a consultant recommending IVF.Not all consultants act in the best interests and not all couples are honest.I know couples who have exaggerated ttc times to get a referral-it happens.

They may be 'difficult' because of fertility issues, her egg production may not be good and his sperm is 'dropping' as he is getting older. It may have started as his problem, for all you know he may have ttc in the past, but they have since discovered other problems.

Read posts on MN, people do not give details to close family let alone friends and they don't have to. Doctors have to justify their use of treatments, they don't work off their own 'bat',completely.

(Pipsqueak voice) I kind of agree with you, OP. Amazed they've been granted IVF on the NHS so young, & imho think they should give Mother Nature more time. IVF is such a rollercoaster, you have to be pretty desperate to have children asap to get into it (which makes me wonder if they don't really understand what they're getting in for, which is consistent with the somewhat disorganised lifestyle you describe them having).

But it's a Mind Your Own Business situation, as well you know.

YABU.

MYOB.

People have to xaggerate ttc to get tested and get a referal, once a certain diagnosis is recieved that puts them in the category for needing IVF, that hasn't happened, he has fertility problems.

Mila- as i said my DD has known since she was 13that she would need IVF, you are talking about a late diagnosis.

We know a 20-year-old man and his wife who are having it. They are paying privately as they are going to the US to have some pioneering treatment involving maturing his sperm.

His fertility was damaged by two bouts of leukemia and chemo.

He'd probably be really upset to know people were whispering about it all behind his back.

20 is not too young to have a child.

having spent 5 years of my life on fertility treatment - I would say the younger you start the better your chances of success. Infertility focuses your mind on whether you want to have childre and when - I think it would be difficult for many people to switch off from it and think 'we'll have children later" - they have the best chance of success whilst young and if it doesn't work (remembering that people can have lots of cycles of treatment before it does) then they have time to try again (and again...and again...)

if her DH has a low sperm count presumably ivf is the only option available to them so 'keep on trying the normal way' would be pointless

no doubt you are ready to give your friend the emotional support she will need during this process - to do that you will need to stop judging her - you would make a different choice - but until you are faced with infertility you really don't know what you are talking about - that doesn't make her choice wrong.

Grrrr..... if a sperm count is really really low, or there are bad motility issues/dead sperm - then cutting out caffeine, keep 'banging away at it' etc will not help. You need to assume that as they have been given ivf on the nhs then it is an issue that lifestyle changes will not resolve.

Also if they use up their free cycle now, they still have plenty of time to save up for further cycles.

Op perhaps you should try pumping your body with hormone treatment to see if it something you would do if their was an alternative.

Read the IVF threads, its bloody tough going.