AIBU to be astounded a 20 year old friend is having IVF?

[Billygean]

Hi all

First ever thread!

I'm 26, but in my SO's 'group' there is a girl of 20 who's married my SO's friend who's about 27. They got married when she was 18. Generally they're quite a difficult couple, they argue a lot in public, put passive-aggressive updates on facebook etc and we don't have too much to do with them within the group. Neither has a very good job (they're both quite unhappy work wise, that much is clear), neither drive, no money, etc.

Anyway they have been trying to have children since they got married and apparently he has a low sperm count. AFAIK they haven't addressed other factors (stress, diet, alcohol etc) first.

I know I should just think "each to their own" and so on, but I'm astounded that they're choosing to have their only NHS go on IVF now! I just think she's only (just) 20, and they have so much TIME.

AIBU?

[MilaMae]

No Give IVF isn't your only option if you have low sperm count,lifestyle changes often help and work.

Birds you don't need a diagnosis,consultants can refer you for IVF for "unexplained infertility". Couple can quite easily be exploited out of money and I guess so can the NHS.

I am all for free IVF but feel it needs to be regulated so this who really need it get it and it doesn't all just end up getting cut.It's important money isn't wasted.

[eurochick]

Diet and lifestyle can make a huge difference. My friend's DH was told his sperm count was so low he would never have kids of his own after his first SA. He cut down on the boozing, a stressful family situation ended and he improved lifestyle. His next SA was near normal. They were paying for fertility treatment by that point so carried on with it and now have 3 IVF kids. And you only have to look at fertility boards to see how many people with v low sperm counts do end up conceiving naturally if given long enough to try.

[Billygean]

Just to clarify - they've had (or are having) the IVF, embryos implanted a week ago.

[MilaMae]

Give my dp had low sperm and bad motility,it improved greatly after the lifestyle changes recommended by my fantastic clinic who weren't out to fleece us,just to get us pg.

[scottishmummy]

milaemae youre coming across as hard on this couple,given you and op dont know all circumstances

low spem count is not always resolved by diet and or lifestyle changes alone.if there is a specifc enduring reason why there is a low sperm count then manipulating diet and social factors may not alter this.unfortunately the lower the sperm count,the poorer the prognosis

[Birdsgottafly]

Mila- read the OP, he has a diagnosis and it may be one that as a couple they don't want to share so have just said low sperm count.

Your situation isn't theirs, IVF varies between PCT's.

None of us know the facts.

[MilaMae]

As I said before if going by the info from the op then I am ,if there is other info then I'd think differently.

[Fifis25StottieCakes]

Its non of your business. I have a friend who tried to have her dd for a year. She had her when she was 19. She is almost 23 now and has not conceived since her 1st daughter who is 3. She desperately wants another child as she wants siblings close in age. She has been discussing options with the doctor.

[MilaMae]

Sorry Bird that isn't a diagnosis as it can be corrected.Lots of men can have a low sperm count at various times in their life.


IVF consultants vary.

You can get one like we had who knew money was an issue so tried every single thing in the book before IVF,you get other less ethical consultants(who incidently Dr Winston is becoming more concerned about)who would give an instant diagnosis to get the nice wopping IVF fee.

[pinkytheshrinky]

YABU and judgey and a bit of an arse all round tbh

[MilaMae]

Any how you can guess either way re more info.Yes there could be more reason behind the IVF,equally there may not.

[Birdsgottafly]

Mila-What i mean is this isn't close friends, so the OP isn't having detailed conversations with either of them, so she may not know all of the facts. As i said not everuone shares everything, she may have damaged ovaries on top or something else.

His sperm may be totally blank rather than low, men often aren't good at disclosing 'down below' problems.

Do you also work in the IVF field? You don't seem to be able to accept that sometimes there are no other answers.

[lachesis]

There may be a reason for his low sperm count that he choses to keep private and that cannot be resolved by lifestyle changes.

Not everyone wants to detail their medical history to total strangers (who then go onto the net and discuss very personal issues like this that don't even apply to themselves ).

[Northernlurker]

I don't see how you can possibly form an opinion without knowing exactly what they have been told. I also think that failing to conceive can put a huge strain on a relationship and that might explain many of the other 'issues' you've identified.
Why not save your energy for hoping the IVF works rather than bitching about their decision making process?

[MilaMae]

Birds no my only qualification is years of being on the IVF rollercoaster myself.You're surmising a lot re this couple.

Bollocks to the not being able to except there are no other answers.

Unexplained infertility is often given as a reason for needing IVF,that isn't an answer or always a need for IVF.

I'm going by the op and sorry if every couple with low sperm count had free IVF the NHS would be on it's knees.

[emptyshell]

Why is it your business when and where and how they try to concieve?

Would you like someone to criticize your timing/location/technique (best I heard was "are you sure you're doing it right" - fuck no I didn't realise it didn't fit in THAT hole!) when you're trying for your children? No? Then don't do it to them. They probably haven't shared the full story with you - particularly if you're as judgmental toward them as you're coming across on here - and his sperm count/her plumbing/anyone's bodily secretions aren't your business anyway.

Fuck it - at least they're starting down the road early. And no wonder they're sometimes snippy with each other - the strain infertility can put on your relationship is collossal.

Absolutely, utterly none of your business.

Can I also suggest the following aren't good strategic moves:

• "Technique" suggestions/queries - trust me, by the time you're down the GP discussing the subject you've already tried grapefruit, cough medicine, legs up in the air after shagging, bum up in the air after shagging, shagging in more positions than the Karma Sutra thought of.
  
• "Just relax and it will happen" - not if there ain't any berluddy members on the swim team or there's a roadblock on the motorway it won't!
  
• Stories about your Great Aunt Ethel's friend who was barren until the age of 61 then suddenly concieved octuplets naturally... we smile sweetly and thank for the inspiration, but if there's an actual infertility REASON (which this couple obviously have) all the inspiration and intent in the world ain't going to work it out!
  
• Complaints about any lack of sex you're personally having also tend to go down like a lead balloon - we're generally fucking sick to the back teeth of so much sex - infertility tends to reduce a good bonk to the level of "lob it out and get it up quick - I've got to write the shopping list and pop to Tesco" over the years!
  

...and yes I have a very dark sense of humour on the whole fertility situation - you either learn how to see the funny side of trying to get a dying pot of lukewarm jizz to the hospital to be counted before it all pops its clogs through rush hour traffic (and yes part of me would have LOVED to be stopped speeding that day to explain that one to a copper) - or you go quietly insane.

[Onemorning]

YABVU

Lifestyle changes don't help every couple to conceive. Some couples need more than 'vitamins, exercise, positive thinking'. Assisted conception - like natural conception - has a better chance while both partners are young.

20 is young to be a mum, but not exceedingly so. Mind your own business.

[LolaRennt]

If they are having fertility treatment on the NHS I assure you they had to prove they needed it. Most likely she or he already have known problems so they may as well start as young as possible since you have a better chance

[magicmelons]

If they are read for a baby and need IVF have been trying for 2 years then I think they are being very sensible. They may want more children in the future, her fertility is at its peak so why wait.

I know of a few people who have told lots of fibs about lifestyle change to get IVF so they are probably no different to most.

[DirtyHabit]

I don't know why her age matters? Their cycle is more likely to work now due to being young then if they waited 10 yrs time, so they probably won't cost the NHS as much.

Just because they're young doesn't mean they have plenty of time. I had IVF at 20yrs because it was my best chance of having kids due to losing one of my ovaries and half of the remaining one due to cysts/tumours.

I'm surprised her PCT have offered it to her at 20. Mine had a minimum age of 23 yrs before they would look at funding a cycle.

So yes - YABU. Maybe you could offer her support instead of bitching about her on here. If she had the embryo/s transferred already, then she's in her 2ww (two week wait) waiting to find out if the IVF has worked or not. The 2ww is worse then the treatment IME.

[Scuttlebutter]

OP, you have come across as being very judgemental without knowing all the facts. I hope your friends are able to conceive a child if that is what they want and they are able. You are not privy to their full medical history, so should wind your neck in. And what relevance does it have that they don't drive? Millions of people over the world don't and amazingly still manage to be capable and loving parents.

[piprabbit]

I am more astounded about the amount of detail you know regarding their infertility when you "don't have much to do with them".

Can you not allow them their privacy and stop picking over what must be a personal tragedy for them.

[Morloth]

I think if you know you have fertility problems then it makes a lot of sense to get started on sorting them out as soon as possible.

If I had known at 20 that I was going to have trouble then I would have started then and not left it for another 8 years.

We might then have been able to fit in DC3 with the same sort of age gap that we have for DS1 & 2, as it is we have possibly left it a bit late.

If you don't have much to do with them how do you know so much about their intimate lives? Are you gossiping a lot in real life?

[Blondeshavemorefun]

yes you are very judgy

dh and i started trying for kids 3 years ago - he has good sperm and seems after tests that there is nothing wrong with me but i just dont fall pregnant :(

unexplained fertility

we were going to do ivf privately

sadly dh committed suicide just under 3 mths ago

and 2 weeks after wards i went to another app that i kept and was told we could start nhs ivf as new tax year/budget etc

totally bittersweet and if only we started ivf earlier then i could be a mum now

so unlikely i will ever be a mum

so if this couple want to start ivf at 20 then so what