aibu to want this teacher to apologise to my son.

[wfrances]

ds age 12 takes a packed lunch to school,during 2nd lesson he notices drink has leaked in his bag {all of it}his lunch is ruined,and now has no drink.
he tells his teacher who says "i dont care, its not my problem, sit down."
im fuming, he didnt eat all day,no drink and what a wicked way to respond to a child.
phoned head of year straight away ,who totally agreed with my reaction.
but i think she should apologise to him-what do you think?

VicarIbnaTutu, that is shocking and I'm so sorry.
One good thing about MN for me is that it has really opened my eyes to the other side of the coin, especially reading the SN boards.
I think they should be required reading for everyone involved in education and the health service.
Sometimes it is forgotten that these children aren't pests or nuisances, but young people with difficulties, who have families who just need a little understanding and support.
A little patience goes a long way.

agree with Soupy. If op had come on and said straight off that her ds has SEN, may have got the wrong end of the sitck or her being overly sensitive but was this an appropriate way for teacher to handle, then she may have got a rather more balanced response.

Also this is in aibu - not Secondary education or SN - which is always more volatile. I've had moments of outrage at way ds has been spoken to (even in front of me) or insensitively handled and fully expect to again, but complaining here there and everywhere won't help either op or her ds. He will have other occasions on which he needs to just cope or seek help himself.

No like I said it was an honest question, no malice/sarcasm intended. I'm still learning, I didn't even realise until about a year ago that dyspraxia was actually classed as sn. It's one of those invisible things. My ds can appear fine but can really get confused over nothing, which is probably why I was drawn to this thread. We've done cards and notes all over the house but he just does not get it, attention span of seconds sometimes. That's why trying to tell him what to do in such a situation is pointless really, it doesn't sink in at all.

That must be so difficult and frustrating. I find it hard to comprehend, although i am in no way saying it isn't the case. I think its the sort of situation which, unless you've been there, you can't grasp it. Physical disabilities, such as DD's cp can't easily be accused of being imaginary, but when there's nothing physically obvious, it can be explained by the uninitiated as Molly coddling.

However, I still feel the op's reaction was a bit ott. Sorry!

vicar no where on here has anyone laughed or poured scorn on the OP sons abilities.
The "scorn" is towards the OP unreasonable gung ho attitude to a teacher who to be fair the OP only has her sons view of. She has admitted that her son has difficulties in language and communication.
Posters have "scorned" that OP said she was heartbroken !!

FFS how can being heartbroken about your child having a few sharp words do the child any favours . OP needs to "man up " if she is to teach her son the realities of coping in the realm world.
Her son has "sort of SN" has not been statemented, She allows him to go to MS school , therefore implying he can cope with the everyday comings and goings of MS and then having a shitfit with everyone else because he can't and the school do not make the world stop whilst her son hops back on again.

bloody ridiculous. And totally unnecessary to make such a drama of such a small thing. God help the lad when a real drama unfolds .

Do I have a child with SN .... no nor do I have a child with sort of SN .
I do however work alongside some but also have a history of being a carer and for a while guardian of my now adult niece who was born with severe Hydrocephalus, and associated problems, almost blind, and what was then classed as spasticity in her legs . My sister was told to take her home and IF she lived she would be an imbecile (YES that IS the word the paediatrician used)for the rest of her life. Doubly incontinent, and mute.
My niece is now 35 and we as a family were determined to make my niece's life as happy as possible. My Sister however had other ideas , she refused to treat my niece any different to her other child.. she expected my niece to reach all the milestones (albeit late) and just made allowances when she didnt , but never gave up on making sure she pushed her towards some sort of independence.
At 4 yrs old my niece was clean and dry both day and night, by 8 she had the calipers taken off her legs and could walk unaided. She could speak quite fluently by 4 and initiated conversations by 7, She attended a special school , but went to college were she gained NVQs (I think thats what they are) in catering . housekeeping . She also got her English qualifications too.
My niece is 35 and now lives in sheltered accommodation but lives almost independently. takes full responsibility for her little flat and cooks and cleans for herself. She also has a part time cleaning job.
Teaching our children independence is probably the best gift we can give them.
I am not naive enough to believe this would work for all SN children,
Just that it can but it wont if we dont at least give it a go to see how far we can go with it .

i think you will find that i said the teachers and TAs poured scorn on my situation that day, you have not read my post properly.

and i can tell you dont have a child with SN. funny that.

fittodrop, how do you teach a sn child the realities of coping in the real world if they have a few second memory span? How do you? Not saying all sn kids have that problem but mine certainly does. Depends what the problem is. Do you not think i've tried that?

sorry galena, wasn't ignoring you, not sure an apology is in order but I would have called the school too just to have a chat and make sure teachers were aware of ds's problems.

I might have called once. But after an apology from the hoy and a reassurance that the teacher would be reminded, I wouldn't have taken it further unless it appeared to be a recurring problem.

oh sorry I didn't see that, is op taking it further?

She also has met with the senco to discuss the same issue and said that she was going to call the ed psych although I don't think she did. It just seemed a little bit of an overreaction. Either hoy or senco in the first instance, I'd have thought and certainly not ed psych!

why is Ed Psyche an over reaction? this is the problem.....their should be a multi disciplinary approach to dealing with children like this - who dont fit mainstream and who dont fit special school.

why not thrash out some strategies to deal with problems as they are bound to occur?

i did this. we had massive team meetings - with the ed psyche, the physio, the occupational therapist, the speech and language therapist, the head teacher, the SENCO....and my son to all intents and purposes looks perfectly "normal". im sure that would horrify the busom hoikers on this thread. you know. the ones that hoik their busoms up, tut, and pull a cats arse face.

Depends on the school I guess, ours is a small one but they do like to fob people off. I'm trying to get more help for ds at the mo and i'm fighting a losing battle. Primary never sent his records according to secondary, primary say they did. Either way, they are lost. I have bugger all proof of anything and no idea where to go next...so frustrating!

fit2drop The OP isn't having a "shitfit" with "everyone else", and neither does she "expect the world to stop" for her son.

IMO your being a drama queen here, not the OP.

Many on here have explained to you what the realities of having a SN child in mainstream school can actually mean on a day to day level, you don't seem to be listening..

I myself have just battled for a year with this myself, it's bloody knackering, frustrating as fuck, and yes, heartbreaking at times. Only last week, with the LEA behind me, and the threat of legal action have i finally got there (i hope)

Galena If the Ed psych had recommended certain actions, that some teachers were not following, it would be logical to refer back to the Ed Psych, for back up if nothing else.
My DSs head SENCO doesn't know which way is up, and i had to go back to the Paed. Consultant to kick her up the arse.

Well said Vicar!

I have read this thread with great interest as I am a secondary school teacher and also a mum of a 12 year old with SN; my pov -

a) op; you have said that no statement etc is forthcoming because DS has traits of several disorders. My son has never being dx with anything specific, in fact he has traits of 5 disorders BUT he has a full statement. Just because there is no a dx doesn't mean you can't get a statement

b) you originally said that the teacher said "i dont care, its not my problem, sit down." which indicates that he was causing a disturbance in the lesson if he needed to be told to sit down

c) you have chosen to educate your DS in a mainstream school. What are you going to do when he is spoken to in a harsh manner by one of his peers? Demand an apology? Although some posters seem to think that a 'worldly wise lesson' is not appropriate it is something he is going to have to get used to, what will you do when he is 25 and is spoken to in a manner you do not agree with?

d) are you 100% sure that is exactly what happened in the classroom and there was not a discussion before hand in terms of sorting it out at the end of the lesson, break time etc. Children (including SN!) are not always the most honest reporters of an event

e) most schools will 'borrow' children a lunch if their parents are not taking the p so he wouldn't have gone without anything.......

sorry but children who are not confident, who are beaten down and taught to shut up and put up will go without. being a teacher, or a mother, does not qualify you to speak for the OP or her son in this instance. We have to take the OP at her word, she says he ate nothing, i believe that to be the case. My son would have not made a fuss of the thing she should have made a fuss about.

if you have a statement then more power to your elbow. but statements are like gold dust for those who have no definite academic need. i fought tooth and nail to get one. if only i knew then what i know now i would have had the buggers. i really would.

if there is no academic need then why is a Statement of Educational need required?

Surely though 1 comment by 1 teacher on 1 day doesn't imply that there has been a major breakdown in the way the school is dealing with her son's issues? ed psychs are not generally involved with the day to day running of a school. yes, if it ends up as a recurrent feature of his time at school, by all means involve the ed psych, but surely not for an isolated incident where the hoy has said they will deal with it?

if your ed psych is happy to be involved in every minor disagreement you have with your child's school, then they are obviously far less overstretched than the ed psychs I've worked with professionally.

I apologise for any typos, am on my phone which has decided to go slow and is about 6 words behind my typing! it's also eaten my capital letters!

cricketballs, op did say later on that it was the start of class so i'm assuming all the kids were just starting to sit down...she never said he jumped up in class.

Some people dont know how to get a statement...I dont...doesn't mean my ds is ok, he's far from. I am pretty clueless as to where I get help, as i've said above.

Peers...well most of them tell my ds he's a fucking freak...not much I can do about that. They aren't teachers however who should know better.

Most schools will lend children a lunch...fair enough, but what if said child is too afraid to ask?

you have chosen to educate your DS in a mainstream school

Her posts indicate she's done this under duress and never had any belief that her son's needs would be met. I can envisage a scenario here where the OP is probably identified as a "signposted parent", the HT is paranoid about losing bums on seats and HOYs have been told to placate parents no matter what while class teachers go unsupported. This happened in my last school. Not saying this has definitely happened as we can't know but it is a possibility.

cricketballs i suggest, that you get yourself a copy of the special needs code of practice and have a really really good read....

i am not going through all this again. having to explain all this shite is far far behind me. by about....4 years. but if you have any questions phone your local council - ask for the Local education authority and then ask them to send you free of charge a copy of the special educational needs code of practice.

its a weighty read. its free. its very very fucking useful.

especially for hitting people upside the head with.

frogs; just because it was the start of the class doesn't mean that the teacher had already spoken to him about it

in terms of getting a statement, it is the school normally that helps (as op's DS is in year 7 then it seems it is his primary school that is at fault)

whilst peers are not very nice, it is something that all children will come across; my DS has had some very bad verbal bullying just at a shop because of how he acts but I have taught him (it has taken years in a very repetative manner) to ignore it

he has to learn to ask....

ill try that again in bold

cricketballs i suggest you get yourself a copy of the Special Educational Needs Code Of Practice and have a really really really good read...

i am not going through all this again having to explain all this shite is far far behind me, by about 4 years but if you have any questions phone your local council
ask for the local education* authority (LEA) and ask them to send you a free copy of the special educational needs cod or practice

its a weighty read and its free free free and very fucking useful
especially for hitting people upside the head with

hope my embolding made that all the clearer.

seriously folks - get a copy if you have any interest at all in SENs. as a parent or a teacher. most teachers dont know it even exists.

vicar I apologise for not reading your post properly .
But I do have experience with SN children , just not as a mother, and will always advocate the need to push as much as we can for any child to reach its full potential.

The frogs I have no idea, and certainly am not negating the impossible situation parents with SN children have with the battles they have to endure and watch their children face daily. I respect and admire them immensly and yes I am sure you have tried everything possible to help your child. No where and no way have I accused anyone of not doing what is best for their children.

However OP imo has overreacted about a minor incident that happened because her son wasn't treated differently because of his SN. I was (and correct me if Im wrong) that part of SN children being in MS schools is for social inclusion and to help dispel the myths and stigma attached to . For OP to demand an apoplogy for something which she only has 'unsure' information on is actually stigmatising her son and making him stand out as different.In effect saying he should have special treatment .... SN is just that , special needs.... it does not mean he gets special treatment, there is a vast difference

cricketballs excellent post.

vicar whilst I don't argue that some children are missed from recieving a statement not all of those whose parents who are demanding a statement need a full statement (SA or SA+ is mroe than adequate to meet their needs). I will remind you that as a teacher and a parent of a child with a full statement I am in no need to read the codes of practice