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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to want this teacher to apologise to my son.

507 replies

wfrances · 04/07/2011 21:37

ds age 12 takes a packed lunch to school,during 2nd lesson he notices drink has leaked in his bag {all of it}his lunch is ruined,and now has no drink.
he tells his teacher who says "i dont care, its not my problem, sit down."
im fuming, he didnt eat all day,no drink and what a wicked way to respond to a child.
phoned head of year straight away ,who totally agreed with my reaction.
but i think she should apologise to him-what do you think?

OP posts:
saidthespiderwithahorridsmile · 05/07/2011 13:53

some of the teachers' attitudes on here really are contemptible

the "fending off system", the "MFH" thing - they are evidence of teachers who simply cannot be bothered to do their jobs properly and have developed a childish gang mentality to cover their laziness and avoid being accountable for their own poor behaviour towards children

luckily, NOT all schools have this culture. Not by a long way. There are decent teachers out their who treat others with respect and aren't deceitful and scornful towards children and parents. Really, there are. OP is unlucky with this teacher.

Claw3 · 05/07/2011 13:54

Well bloody said Perfectstorm.

umf · 05/07/2011 13:59

(and insomnia)

Indigojohn · 05/07/2011 14:00

Of course the teacher should have said, "It's okay we'll sort it later".
In an ideal world.
But she isn't a fembot. She'll be tired, grumpy and needing a break. Plus she won't have wanted to sort the problem at the end of the lesson because 1) It isn't her problem to sort and 2) she simply won't have had the time.

Goblinchild · 05/07/2011 14:02

I'm a bit concerned that your child has got to the end of Y7 without all teachers being aware of his needs and putting in appropriate strategies. he may not have a statement, but is he on SA or SA+?
Was the teacher in question familiar with him and his usual attitude and behaviour, or a cover teacher who hadn't been informed of his needs.
I know you say 'it's complicated' but IMO, that's why you need to have good communication throughout the school to ensure he feels secure and knows what to do if a problem arises.

Claw3 · 05/07/2011 14:09

Indigo, it is her problem, she along with every other teacher has a duty of care for a child, especially the more vulnerable.

I know nothing of the OP's sons special needs, but my own son would have been panic ridden.

  1. Because he would not know what to do about the spilt drink.
  1. His routine would have been broken and he wouldnt eat lunch.
  1. He would not have known he could get a lunch from elsewhere and wouldnt have eaten it anyhow.

I would expect any teacher who is teaching my son to be aware of his needs and what to do about them.

I wouldnt have asked for an apology, but i would want to know why this teacher was not aware and if she was aware why she didnt do something about it.

Indigojohn · 05/07/2011 14:12

What is she meant to do, Claw?

perfectstorm · 05/07/2011 14:20

Indigo - taken him to the head of year or school office, who would have called his Mum and/or given him a lunch ticket, depending on his degree of independence. It's not exactly asking her to donate her still beating heart, is it?

Claw3 · 05/07/2011 14:20

I dont know what the OP's sons special needs are so cannot answer, but she should have at least read about this child and his needs, if she had, she would know what to do.

Even if it was to send the child to the school office to sort out his split drink and arrange another, is a bit more positive than 'sit down, shut up, not my problem' and leaving a sn child who is probably unable to deal with it himself.

Her attitude is disgraceful.

Original poster
wfrances · 05/07/2011 14:21

indigo,school said it was her problem ,school isnt all education,those hours they are in school care ,they have to provide health and emotional care too.
all teachers are supposed to be aware of extra needs and are suppose to follow protocol with such children.
i wanted to speak to her to ask why she didnt do this?
goblinchild-he hasnt one disorder he has traits of lots of disorders ,so our la wont give him a statement.but senco and ed/psch were supposed to have sorted something out.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 05/07/2011 14:21

And that's not my suggestion, incidentally. It's the school's, to the OP, when acknowledging that that is what should have happened.

Goblinchild · 05/07/2011 14:24

'goblinchild-he hasnt one disorder he has traits of lots of disorders ,so our la wont give him a statement.but senco and ed/psch were supposed to have sorted something out.'

Why not pop over to sn and get some help and advice about chasing them, paper trails and making sure that the school knows what's expected of them for Y8?
Did the teacher know your son and his sn requirements?

Goblinchild · 05/07/2011 14:24

'goblinchild-he hasnt one disorder he has traits of lots of disorders ,so our la wont give him a statement.but senco and ed/psch were supposed to have sorted something out.'

Why not pop over to sn and get some help and advice about chasing them, paper trails and making sure that the school knows what's expected of them for Y8?
Did the teacher know your son and his sn requirements?

Goblinchild · 05/07/2011 14:25

Wow, a double post. No idea how that happened. Smile

Malcontentinthemiddle · 05/07/2011 14:25

Actually I've never heard anyone being fended off.... although you can be sure if you rang to say you were demanding an apology, every eyebrow in the vicinity would be raised to the heavens on the other end of the line.

The facts we know are that the child was (feels he was) spoken to harshly, but it's basically ok now, and that OP is heartbroken and wants an apology.

We do not know how possible it would have been for the teacher to deal with it at the time - even if we think the packed lunch should be/is the teacher's main concern. We do not know how the lesson was going anyway. We do not know what tone OP's son employed, or how disruptive he was being, just as we do not know the tone of the teacher.

So my reply is only to the AIBU question - yes, YABU to want a teacher to apologise to your son. It might not have been ideal, but it's not the end of the world.

Indigojohn · 05/07/2011 14:26

What is her class supposed to do while she takes him to the HOY ( who could be a good 5 min walk away?

Claw3 · 05/07/2011 14:28

They usually get another child to take a child to the school office, not to the HOY

perfectstorm · 05/07/2011 14:28

Indigojohn - at the end of the class, was the suggestion. And as that was the suggestion of the school, I can only assume they have a better grasp of the logistics making that possible than you.

needanewname · 05/07/2011 14:29

Well I'm going to go against most others here and say that there should have been an apology.

I agree, the teacher is human and could have been having a really shitty day. I sometimes snap at my own children, but then when I realise what I've done, I will apologise, explain why I snapped and what they should do in future (ie if they see me pulling my hair out, now is not the time to ask a stupid question, they should wait).

Saying that I don;t see what good an apology would do your son now, but the teacher needs to be made aware that this was wrong and how to handle things better in the future.

I also think you need to take a step back and explain to your son what he should do if it happens again and talk to him about putting the lid on properly. Let him know that it didn't do anything wrong but explain that it would have been better to approach the teacher at the end of the lesson and use some paper towels to try and soak it up.

needanewname · 05/07/2011 14:32

Perfect storm said it much better than me!

Omigawd · 05/07/2011 14:37

If the OP 's DC isn't statemented how are the teachers supposed to know which "traits of multiple disorders" to deal with in a class full of rowdy kids.?

And you know, if my kid was in that class and the teacher had to take 10 min out to sort out 1 kid's drink problem then I'd be on their case!

Sorry OP, your kid's special need to get a non soggy lunch without your feelings being hurt does not trump 29 other kids' special need to get an education.

I think what's sometimes needed in these things is for the majority of parents to know what the sharp elbowed mums are up to and to support teachers with a firm No!

Butterbur · 05/07/2011 14:41

wfrances, is your son sufficiently able for you to envisage him living independently in the future?

If he is, then how are you going to encourage his growth towards independence, if you sort out all his little problems for him?

If he is not, then I'll shut up now.

perfectstorm · 05/07/2011 14:41

Omigawd -

"this teacher failed to carry out what she had been told by senco."

That simple.

As a parent of NT kids I can safely say I have no intention of following your delightful suggestion. Please assure me that you do not teach in Gloucestershire.

shineynewthings · 05/07/2011 14:42

Erm. Teachers harsh reply completely unwarranted. HOWEVER I can remember leaving lunch at home by accident or something when I was in school and having to rough it the rest of the day. He'll get over it...I don't think giving the teacher a ticking off will do anything positive. Rather more likely to get the teacher peed off with your son and stop him getting help in lessons he needs.

perfectstorm · 05/07/2011 14:45

Butterbur - "i ve been told to expect him never to leave home." @23.28.22

I was of the opinion that OP was BVU until the full picture emerged. I still think she's over reacting and the teacher may have just had an off day, beingl only human - the end of the summer term is killer for any teacher, and all those I know are dead on their feet by now. But she was plainly in the wrong, just the same. This kid is SN and the school had said they could manage his needs. It's not pushy to expect them to live up to that, and the OP is quite rightly looking to see what extra steps need to be put in place.