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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think i should be able to keep my own name?

51 replies

ChocolateBananas · 02/07/2011 17:19

Me and the dp have been talking about our future, he said when we get married i should take his last name. He has a good name, however we had an argument over it because I wont part with my last name, I dont want to and there is no need, he just doesnt understand, I cant explain it to him.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 02/07/2011 17:21

A surname is a FAMILY name... if you have children, they will be part of your family, and you should all share the same name.

In my old fashioned world, that is.

strandedbear · 02/07/2011 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lionheart · 02/07/2011 17:22

Your name, your choice.

GingerWrath · 02/07/2011 17:23

I so wish we'd both gone double barrelled now! I guess after 14 years it's too late to change it.

meditrina · 02/07/2011 17:23

You need to get this sorted out before you marry.

There are all sorts of ways you could (both) arrange your married name/s. It doesn't matter one hoot which you go for. But IMHO, it is important that you agree - and also agree what name any future children would have.

fedupofnamechanging · 02/07/2011 17:26

It's entirely up to you and if your DP can't accept that, then perhaps you'd best not rush into marriage.

I also intensely dislike the assumption that DC should always get the fathers name. I insisted on DS having my name before DH and I got married. It was in the back of my mind that if we ever split up, I would forever have a different name to my child.

On the whole I think you should only change your name if you like his one more. if not, then you should keep your own and not saddle the kids with his, if yours sounds better.

maypole1 · 02/07/2011 17:26

How emasculating for your oh I bet his mates are laughing their heads off I think the words hen pecked come to mind.

Jesus my Sil done this my brother hates it but then again he's whipped like cream

bubblesincoffee · 02/07/2011 17:26

This is one of those situations where you feel how you feel and no amount of persuasion either way is going to make you feel differently. That works fir you and him.

Ultimately, it's your name and you are the one who has to live with it so it's your descision. Dp will just have to respect that.

But I can understand why he would be hurt that you don't want to take his name. When it is so much the 'done thing', even though that is very much changine nowadays' it could almost feel to him like his name is not good enough. And he could take it as a little insult to his manhood - not because it is an insult, that would be irrational, but he has his way of feeling about it the same as you do. So if you are sure that you want to keep your name, I would just be a bit sensitive to his feelings about it rather than ramming your rights down his throat.

fedupofnamechanging · 02/07/2011 17:28

maypole, wtf are you on?

It's only emasculating if she makes him change his name to hers, against his will.

I hope you are joking and I just can't read 'tone' in your post.

SoupDragon · 02/07/2011 17:30

"So if you are sure that you want to keep your name, I would just be a bit sensitive to his feelings about it rather than ramming your rights down his throat"

That works both ways though.

a family name is just that... A family name. it no longer has to be the man's name though.

SoupDragon · 02/07/2011 17:31

TBH, if he wont listen and refuses to understand, I would think twice about marrying him. ow many other outdated ideas is he keen on?

earlyriser · 02/07/2011 17:41

Tell him you will toss a coin, heads you take his name as the family name. Tails he takes your name as the family name

PamBeesly · 02/07/2011 17:44

YANBU! are you kidding, its your name, not his to decide, I really really can't stand it when people get up in arms when you decide you won't change your name. It may be a family name but it is HIS name of origin, he could also decide to take your name and have it as a family name and all future dcs would have 'the family name'

ZillionChocolate · 02/07/2011 17:50

He gets to chose his name, you get to chose yours - simple!

EricNorthmansMistress · 02/07/2011 17:52

YANBU
women taking the man's name is a tradition that comes from

ownership of the woman transferring from father to husband
ownership of the children being conferred to the father
ownership of the wife's property going to the husband on marriage

There are plenty of reasons why you are quite right to keep your name. If your DP doesn't understand these then I'd say he's pretty thick and I wouldn't be marrying him.

Original poster

ChocolateBananas · 02/07/2011 17:54

earlyriser I do like that idea, however, my name would sound very strange with his first name! His name suits him very well, if we had kids i'd like them to have his name rather than mine. I would introduce my self as Ms Bananas, it is nobodys business whether I am married or not.. I feel the word Mrs is like I belong to someone.

OP posts:

80sMum · 02/07/2011 17:56

So, what happens when your double-barrelled offspring marry? Do their children have triple or quadruple-barrelled names?!

MorticiaAddams · 02/07/2011 17:56

Ask him to take yours and when he says no ask him to explain why. Apart from tradition there's no reason why he shouldn't. Perhaps you could both hyphenate and have both.

Do you have children as if not you'll need to sort out whose name they will have as one of you will have to have a different surname to them.

MorticiaAddams · 02/07/2011 17:57

I see you have answered my qs whilst I was typing.

Hassled · 02/07/2011 17:58

You don't need a reason, do you? You don't want to, and that should be enough. I've kept my maiden name - it's my identity, it's part of who I am, I'm not my husband's property and I see no reason why my name should change. He's fine with that.

motherinferior · 02/07/2011 18:03

'A surname is a FAMILY name... if you have children, they will be part of your family, and you should all share the same name.'

So get him to change.

My children have both their parents' surnames. Non hyphenated. Should they have children themselves, I'm sure they'll sort it out.

In the event of my consenting to Mr Inferior's repeated offers of matrimony, nfw would I change my name.

Original poster

ChocolateBananas · 02/07/2011 18:07

His sister has had two children with her partner and they have his name, his sister is soon to be married and taking her partners name, he is the only one left running the family name, I think he is worried that it wontbe carried on..

OP posts:

buzzsore · 02/07/2011 18:10

No reason you should change it if you don't want to. It's a whole lot of hassle and there's no need.

motherinferior · 02/07/2011 18:11

Cor, is it so obscure that there are no others in existence?

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 02/07/2011 18:12

I chose to keep the name my parents gave me at birth after my wedding 5 years ago. We had not discussed this beforehand - it's just the way things turned out.

There are too many important things to think about and discuss before getting married - there is no point arguing about this one, its no biggie.

Our DS has DHs name as it was more important to DH and his family than it was to me. It's only a name, and its a nice name. I have mine, DH has his, DS has his.

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