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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think i should be able to keep my own name?

51 replies

ChocolateBananas · 02/07/2011 17:19

Me and the dp have been talking about our future, he said when we get married i should take his last name. He has a good name, however we had an argument over it because I wont part with my last name, I dont want to and there is no need, he just doesnt understand, I cant explain it to him.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 02/07/2011 18:12

oh, I see you're planning to give the kids his anyway. Well, sorted. If he's worried about the Noble Line Of Bananas wilting on the, er, palm.

Original poster

ChocolateBananas · 02/07/2011 18:14

there are mainly women in his family, the family name is part of afamily he doesnt know

OP posts:

roz1982 · 02/07/2011 18:15

Me and my husband share a double-barrel surname - there was absolutely no way I was going to give up my second name - I feel it's part of my identity and I want my children to bear my name as well. If DH had had a problem with this it would have been a sticking point as I would not have given in. Tbh it would have made me think twice about being with him if he had been funny about it - these things tend to come up in conversation don't they and he always knew my feelings. We have a family name and when my children marry they can do whatever they want with thier names, the same way it was our choice, it is also thiers. It's just TOO old fashioned to expect a woman to give up her name now. YANBU YANBU YANBU.

Onemorning · 02/07/2011 18:17

YANBU. I've kept my original surname, and my DH has no problem with it at all.

Original poster

ChocolateBananas · 02/07/2011 18:18

is your DH ok with the dicission you made doll?

I think my DP would be ok with that, just upset that I myselfwont take it

OP posts:

perplexedpirate · 02/07/2011 18:19

We share a double-barrelled name too. I think it's about time people stopped assuming that a woman will automatically take a man's name on marriage. It's an outdated tradition, as are many things about marriage (though there are lots of good points too!).

bubblesincoffee · 02/07/2011 18:20

It's not always about being old fashioned though. I like being Mrs DH. Lots of women do. It doesn't mean they have lost their identy somehow.

eurochick · 02/07/2011 18:20

I would rather not have married than given up my name.

The debate about the name of any kids is currently ongoing as we are ttc. He wants them to have his name, I want them to have both our names. I figure I'll bring it back up just after I have pushed a person out of my body and should be in a pretty strong negotiating position...

superjobeespecs · 02/07/2011 18:22

i cant wait to take OHs name when we marry DD has his name so will DS myself my brother and sister all have our fathers name tho mum never married him even tho he's asked her every day for 28 yrs .

OTOH i know of a couple who have been together 9 yrs and have 2 kids who both have the mums name i think fi is keeping her name to be the same as the kids so it was a pre marriage decision she made

Original poster

ChocolateBananas · 02/07/2011 18:24

i agree with you eurochick.
I'd like to make my own decission, my decission is to keep my name and kis will have his.

OP posts:

Carrotsandcelery · 02/07/2011 18:36

I didn't change my name when I married well over a decade ago.

My dcs have my husband's name. I have a different surname to my dcs. It is not a problem.

My dh was fine about it. He questioned it gently once and I asked him to imagine having to take my name (I have a really lovely surname btw.) His name would sound great with my surname but his own response was, "That is not ME though!"

He made my point for me and saw it straight away. End of discussion.

I know lots of people who have done the same and it is not a problem for them either.

If someone at school or similar, calls me by my husband's name I don't make a thing of it. I know who they mean.

LabMonkey · 02/07/2011 20:37

I am Dr X my DH is Mr Y. I answer to Mrs Y but it's not legally my name and I would never refer to myself as such. He has no desire for me to change my name and never has. We agreed when I was pregnant that is DC was female they would have my surname and if male his. DD is now Miss X. Any future children will now also have the surname X. DH is not in anyway concerned that his child doesn't share his name we're still a family. If anyone has an issue with it that's their problem.

redexpat · 02/07/2011 20:49

I don't understand what his problem is, and it doesn't sound like you do either OP. You may just have to ask him calmly why he feels so strongly and explain again why you feel so strongly. I think you both need to understand each others reasons, so you may have to work a bit harder at explaining it. Is it losing your identity? The fact that you will be his wife to the world? If he wants you both to have the same name then he can change his to yours. Would you consider double barreling for all involved? Could you keep your name but change your title to Mrs?

My geography teacher at school pointed out to us once that changing your name is a massive faf - new signature, new bank cards, new driving license, new passport, new email - and that half of marriages end in divorce, so you may then end up changing it all back again.

You do need to decide what name any children would have.

I kept mine because

I am a feminist
I felt I had given up enough for my man (chance of a career, country of residence, the right to vote because I am a foreigner in his country)
I am lazy and couldn't be bothered

Our children will have his name though. It is just easier for people here to pronounce and spell.

Lovecat · 02/07/2011 21:03

I didn't change mine for years, largely because of the faff issue. I am v. lazy!

If it hadn't been for the solicitor making a mistake when we remortgaged and putting us down as Mr & Mrs X instead of Ms LC and Mr X then I'd still be Ms LC, but the bank I worked for insisted that the account the mortgage payments came out of was in the same name as at least one of the mortgagees, being a staff account that impacted on how I was known at work (if we'd waited to have the docs redone we would have lost the house we wanted) and a ton of other stuff, so it was easier to become Ms X. I didn't actually like my maiden name, so I wasn't too concerned about the actual name my surname changed to, but I felt the principle was important to uphold, which was why I didn't change my name in the first place. That and inertia....

But I'm not a Mrs. That just sounds weird! Strangely enough it's mainly other women who get affronted by that.

OP, I'd actually be quite concerned that he said "...I should take his last name". The "should" bothers me. No 'would you like to?' or 'have you thought about..?' Him demanding it would p me right off, and I don't think you're being at all unreasonable, he is. The kind of thought processes underlying his demand would actually make me question if he was the one...

Original poster

ChocolateBananas · 02/07/2011 22:15

LC, thanksfor the advice. When he said should this was when we first started to talk about, it was a bit of banter untill i pulled him up about it, we have been talking today about it, hes a bit gutted about it, but happy future DC will be named after him.
Redexpat we would never be able to double barrel our names, he has a foreign last name and mine isnt quite English either, not just that our last names are very long, his name has 9 letters and so does mine, awfully long surname 19 characters including the -, so that rules that out!

OP posts:

joric · 02/07/2011 22:35

Officially have a Double barrelled name for both me and DD - with bank, passports etc (forename/mine/his) but at work, with friends and family I am known as forename/mine and at school DD is known as forename/his.

LRDTheFeministNutcase · 02/07/2011 23:55

FWIW, my DH actively ridiculed the idea of me taking his name ... it I think beginning to be consciously old-fashioned to change. Nice if you are that type (I know people who love the idea of being Mrs Hisname and enjoy the little bit of ceremony you get every time you tell someone your new name). But don't let your DP make you feel everyone changes their name ... they don't, by any means.

Lovecat · 03/07/2011 17:42

Glad you've been talking about it, sorry if I sounded like the voice of doom!

I used to work with someone who had a triple-barrelled name - their parents had done the double-barrelling thing and then he'd married someone who wanted to keep her maiden name so they ended up with three... but thankfully all the names were quite short!

tyler80 · 03/07/2011 18:24

The OH has an 18 character long surname - it didn't fit on the census form!

Original poster

ChocolateBananas · 04/07/2011 09:31

:o I'll definately be keeping my own name! Thanks for advice everyone :-)

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 04/07/2011 09:37

I kept my name, and added his on the end (easy with Jones!) DH also took on my name, our children are OURS and share our name too. They can choose to do what they wish with their own names when older, one of my relatives HATES double barrelled names to the extent she thinks it unfair and says that if everyone did in surnames would just keep getting longer and longer... I find that atitude a bit silly.

If you have name that won't suit another attached to it, there is nothing to stop you from creating an all new and shiney family name. Its not hard to do.

I wanted DH's name as mine, but didn't want to give up part of my identity, and my name is part of that.

NewbeeMummy · 04/07/2011 09:45

When I married exDH I insisted on keeping my surname, we never planned to have children (he definitely couldn't father a child) and I rationalised it by thinking I am the oldest child in our branch of the family and as most of my cousins are all girls, I felt I wanted to hang on to the name as long as possible.

With new DP, it's not sop much an issue, DD has his surname, and when we decide to tie the knot I will happily take his name.

Maybe I should have looked at the real reason for not wanting to take exDH's surname a long time ago

golemmings · 04/07/2011 15:52

I've made a bit of a mess of mine. I've not changed it for work purposes (my name is unusual and I did a LOT of networking when I was younger so its quite well known in the profession) but some stuff that we've done jointly - like our main hobby I've ended up using his name and I started using his name for family stuff and my medical records reverted to his surname when I was pregnant so we all had the same name. I'm totally schizophrenic in terms of my identity now and I'm regularly known as "Ms lemmings or Mrs jump off a cliff or whoever you are today..."

Also my MiL hates the fact that i've mostly not changed my name and insists on giving me cheques for Christmas and birthday using my husband's name, knowing full well that my account is in my name and I can only pay them in to the joint account which gets used for the bills. For a while, after I acknowledged it was lovely of her to subsidise our supermarket shops for my Christmas present, she sent me blank cheques because apparently she has no idea what other names I might use.

I think consistency is the key...

2rebecca · 04/07/2011 15:57

I kept my name, I didn't see it as a joint decision. My husband got to decide what his surname would be after our marriage, I got to choose what mine would be.
If he was the sort of bloke to kick up a fuss I wouldn't have married him.
Choosing what surname your kids have should be a joint decision however.

aliceliddell · 04/07/2011 15:58

Merge them? Wisband or Hufe, Jith and Smones.

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