Muslim boyfriend

[Worriedandqueasy]

Lest you think this is a racist rant, I am mixed race (african/english).

I am worried about DD (14) who has acquired a muslim boyfriend. The reasons that I am worried are as follows:

1. His parents are vehemently opposed to anyone outside the faith

1. He is completely inarticulate and a bit hopeless

1. The religion really worries me - whilst Islam doesn't itself condone the poor treatment of women, its adherents often seem to.

I'd be nearly as worried if she were dating any other radical believers of any faith.

I really feel uncomfortable here and I don't know if IABU

Good grief what's racist about the OP's post? Nothing. She's expressing concern for her daughter, that's all. People need to wind their necks in! I recently married a man from a pakistani muslim family (he doesn't follow it anymore). I'm 32 but my Mum still had kittens that I was dating a muslim man. Just honest fear, that's all. People are allowed to be scared and concerned for their children. It doesn't make them racist.

I don't have DCs yet, but we had a not-dissimilar situation with my younger sister dating someone we all thought was 'unsuitable'. It is hard to talk about, OP, so I sympathise: in our case, he was on benefits, lived with his mum, and 'borrowed' lots of money from my DSis and her friends. However, it was hard to articulate concerns without sounding like a hideous middle-class snob picking on a council estate kid.

I actually think I'd take a different tack that just 'being cool'. My DSis talked to me a lot about her BF, and when she asked what I thought, I told her straightforwardly but not nastily. Might get flamed for this, but if someone you love is with someone you think is not good for them or hurting them, and they ask, I don't think voicing your concerns is bad. It shows them that you care enough to be honest with them and that if things do go wrong, you will support them.

You can still do that without being nasty and judgemental about the relationship itself, or unwelcoming to the BF. Although when I was 14 my parents would've sent me down a mine before they'd let me have a proper boyfriend!

for the Hundreth time here, NOBODY has said that OP is rascist for being worried about daughter's relationship!

People were simply making reference to her opening line
lest you think this is a rascist rant, i am african/english

I pointed out that being muslim is not a race but a religion to which OP has replied that she knows. So this leaves everyone wondering What then has "not being rascist" and being african/english got to do with daughter's relationship crises ?

Unless OP can clarify i still dont see where the connection is. There are muslims of all races.

I have dated 2 Muslim boys,once when I was 14 and once when I was 16. At 14, I remember when out for a walk, we had to hide cos he saw his Dad coming, who would not have approved of him dating a white girl. :) This was the 70's. My mother didn't bat an eyelid, she knew it wouldn't last.

I married neither of them, same as I didn't marry any of the other boys I dated in my teenage years that came from all shapes and sizes and assorted backgrounds. I was far too young to consider long term relationships at tender ages.

YANBU to be concerned - however at 14 I would be surprised if it lasted more than a few months.

1. His parents are vehemently opposed to anyone outside the faith in that case it probably wont last long anyway!

2. He is completely inarticulate and a bit hopeless I think that could be said for a lot of 14 year old boys

3. The religion really worries me - whilst Islam doesn't itself condone the poor treatment of women, its adherents often seem to. I suggest you maybe take some time to understand a little more about Muslims. Some men treat women badly in any religion.

I'd be nearly as worried if she were dating any other radical believers of any faith. Do you know for a fact he is a radical believer?

I do think it is right for you to be concerned about any boy your 14 year old daughter is seeing but I don't think you should let his religion be the reason for this concern.

In any case as I said before it probably wont last long so I would just go along with it, if you voice your concerns to your daughter she will only want to stick with him even more!

I am actually married to a Muslim and his parents were very against his being with an English girl but they just had to get used to it

Okay you have worries about this boyfriend whether justified or not. But you have to be careful not to make the BF seem more appealing in your daughter's eyes by disapproving of him. If you try and ignore this, the whole thing will probably fizzle out.

But if you disapprove, you may push them closer together.

Worriedandqueasy

I asked a while back, how old is the boyfriend? I think this would probably have more immediate bearing on his suitability or otherwise than nationality, religion or colour (although I understand the concern).

If he is 41 and she is 14, then I would be worried!

In answer to your question AIBU - yes.

Islam does not condone the mistreatment of women and promotes equal rights and the respect of women as do Many Muslims. To suggest otherwise is huge stereotyping.

At 14 I would be surprised if the relationship becomes serious, you're best off biding your time and letting it run it's course naturally. If you get involved or start to forbid the relationship it could push them closer together, and God forbid, if she is ever mistreated by him she's less likely to confide in you.