Muslim boyfriend

[Worriedandqueasy]

Lest you think this is a racist rant, I am mixed race (african/english).

I am worried about DD (14) who has acquired a muslim boyfriend. The reasons that I am worried are as follows:

1. His parents are vehemently opposed to anyone outside the faith

1. He is completely inarticulate and a bit hopeless

1. The religion really worries me - whilst Islam doesn't itself condone the poor treatment of women, its adherents often seem to.

I'd be nearly as worried if she were dating any other radical believers of any faith.

I really feel uncomfortable here and I don't know if IABU

You are African/English. You are not mixed every race on Earth. Therefore you could be racist towards a race you are not.

And to be absolutely clear about this - my (white) mother was ostracised by my (black) father's family for being white - so I am perfectly well aware that racism isnt the sole province of white people ...

Who is the radical? You should get to know more muslims so you can see that you are unfairly stereotyping a whole community and just believing propaganda in the media.

I'm quite prepared to accept that you are not racist .

However, I find it incredibly irritating when I hear casual comments to the effect that "I'm [insert any non-white race] therefore I cannot be racist" because it annoys me that people might assume I am racist because I'm white.

Therefore, your initial comment got my back up because it sounded like you were saying you weren't racist and qualified it by letting us know that you couldn't be because you weren't white.

As you yourself said, that made you less likely to be racist thereby asserting that someone else might be more likely to be. Like, er, a white person.

whew. got that off my chest.

Because you are African/English you are not racist is what you implied, is it now? So its only people who are not of mixed race who can be racist? I am guessing you have not meant to imply this, but you most certainly have.

Have you met the boy? If so, is he nice? What does DD say about him? She obviously sees some good qualities in him, try to focus on those instead of what might or might not be wrong with him.

And what is wrong with illeteracy? Would you take a dislike to a 50 year old it they were could not read or write?

I understand what the OP is saying as she is trying not to be racist but Islam could be seen as quite a strict religion and the youth may tend to not date as freely as western cultures do but this may be changing in the present generation.

I would be concerned about my dd daughter being hurt by him if she falls deeply in love and then it having to end. I suppose I am speculating.

There's nothing wrong with illiteracy - not that this boy is illiterate. He's just a bit socially awkward and inarticulate. I suppose he might grow out of that - just as they might grow out of one another

She's 14, and it's very, very rare that anyone marries the boyfriend they had when they were 14. If he really is inarticulate and a bit hopeless, she will tire of him quickly.

I'd advise being laid-back, and welcoming him into your home so that she does not get defensive about him (it also helps you to keep an eye on what they are up to).

When I was 15, I had a 'hopeless' boyfriend - I liked him as a friend but was only going out with him because I felt sorry for him. My mum, bless her, went absolutely crazy and banned me from seeing him. I nearly left home because of the drama she caused, and yet I didn't really want to be his girlfriend in the first place... Learn from my mum's mistakes !

just out of interest White small cat, do these same men expect the wife they go on to marry to be a virgin.

(just realised that in my post I did not address the Muslim issue... to be honest, I don't think it's relevant at their age. If they got really serious, then his parents might have something to say about it, but that would something that he and your daughter had to deal with and is not an issue at the present time)

I only have a 6 year old DS so no direct experience, but I can see how this makes you a bit uneasy. There are a lot of Muslims and Muslim families who have an unacceptable view of women and girls as inferior.
However, like a lot of people have said, whoever your DD is dating at this age, what you need to do is make sure she has good self-esteem and won't put up with nonsense, let her know that you are not going to judge her and she can talk to you if she's anxious about anything, and don't worry about it too much as most teenagers do not make longterm commitments to one another and she probably will move on fairly soon.

it must be quite difficult for some of the younger generation of kids from Moslem families if they have very strict beliefs as they are exposed to Western Culture and values but they could be quite restricted in their choices. This is a very interesting topic.

I am sure your dd will be okay. Just keep being there for her as I can see you are.

How old is he?

Honey I think you are worrying too much, they are 14, it will fizzle out within a few months if not a year or so.

Let them just get on with it and enjoy being young and in love.

OP I see where you are coming from with the suggestion that your mixed heritage would make you less likely to be motivated by racism, but you did in turn imply that persons of other heritage's are then more likely to be racist and that may come across as insulting on a predominantly white and middle class site like MN IYSWIM.

I do agree with those who said it was silly to mention it, as being mixed heritage myself I can say that it does not exclude you from being able to be racist. But then of course I get what you are alluding to, that those who are from a minority background face racism enough to usually not want to inflict it upon others but rather be more inclusive of people from other backgrounds.

I do also understand where you are coming from with your point that those who are islamaphobic are also generally racist. I think people are just nit picking over that point when scrutinising it.

But, at the end of the day, its true, being mixed heritage does not exclude you from being able to harbour prejudice tendencies or ignorant attitudes towards other races and religions. In all honesty, I understand your concern as I agree with some of your points, but you are coming from a narrow perspective on the issue and using an ignorant generalisation of islam to judge your daughters new relationship, which is not great really.

Oh for fucks sake, would everyone leave off the OP about her "I'm not racist as I'm mixed race" comment. It's fairly fucking obvious that someone of mixed race is less likely to be racist. Don't see many mixed race people leading the BNP do you?!

She didn't say that racism is only restricted to white people; she merely said that she is mixed race in order to highlight the fact that she's hardly your 'straight from central casting' white supremacist.

And in case anyone is wondering, I'm white. And I'm only a teensy weensy bit racist.

Yanbu at all

And I don't think you are racist. But you are not 'allowed' to talk about your fears without being labelled as one. I'm sure that if you had said she was going out with someone from one of the White supremist christian backgrounds you would have received a different response but it seems now you can't raise certain valid concerns without being labelled racist because yes I'm sure loads of the people who slate you would be comfortable
With this situation you described... yeah right!

"Oh for fucks sake, would everyone leave off the OP about her "I'm not racist as I'm mixed race" comment. It's fairly fucking obvious that someone of mixed race is less likely to be racist. Don't see many mixed race people leading the BNP do you?!"

Yeah, that would be as ridiculous as someone of immigrant German descent being accepted as our Queen. Could never happen.

I'm not sure I'd be happy with the situation either, but I don't think I'd have started a post saying

"Lest you think this is a racist rant, I'm white".

would I?

If the issue is a fear about the perceived strict religious practices of a religion outside of your own and how that might impact on your DC, then your own race is irrelevant given that Islam is a religion and not a race.

And the point is that these threads tend to have other posters shouting "racist!" at the OP within a couple of posts and other than to suggest it her initial comment was a bit , no one has accused her of being racist for her fears!

So perhaps she was right in qualifying that she is not racist. It's not so much that she believes she is less racist because she is mixed race, but more because she knows other people would be less likely of accusing her of it.

When I was at school I Hung out with everyone but there was a definite split in that there was a gang of 'white' girls and Asian girls (black girls hung around with the White girls). As a Greek girl I flitted in and out of the two distinct groups but definitely found the asian girls who were the ones who were more 'racist' (although not to me... I was accepted in the group as I was 'like them'). This was twenty years ago now but it is interesting to think
Back to how it was. Even now, I find Many of mu Asian friends don't mix that much with 'white' people but I'm not saying that is reflective of the whole society we live in but it does seem a common thing. Some of the comments o have heard towards 'white' people have been very racist, ignorant and shocking but of course not everyone is like this

i dont think your racist think people are overthinking it and would nt be to concerned about his or his parent s values and beleifs would be more concerned that your daughter is acting sensibly ie does she need contraception i have a rather lovely muslim friend who didnt tell his mum he was with a white british girl untill she was in labour with his baby just concerned what his mums reaction would be that his girlfriend was ent muslim they were nt married and she was pregnant his mum of course as soon as she found out accepted his girlfriend and her grandchild straightaway ten years on they are still together and have a lovely family

That's a nice story x2boys as I would honestly be concerned if mu daughter went out with a Muslim boy I have to admit.