aibu?! relatives coming to visit and i dont want them to bring their dog...

[4madboys]

i know, i know another dog thread....

anyway the jist is this, we have relatives on dp's side who will be visiting in the summer for most of a week, they will come in a caravan but will be at our house EVERYDAY! they insist on bringing their dog (as its their baby..) BUT I AM ALLERGIC TO DOGS!!

I have eczema, asthma and hayfever and the dog sends my skin nuts, i will be itchy, sneezey etc. they insist the dog comes in the house, i have suggested it stays in the garden, or conservatory if its wet, but oh no it has to come in the sitting room and even sit under the table in the dining rm whilst we are eating... it drives me nuts.

apparently iam being unreasonable as allergies are just a 'trendy fad' (have been allergic my whole life!

also the dog is old and 'fragile' and they are very over cautious with regards to my kids touching/stroking/being near it...the boys are very gentle (we have taught them to be kind to animals etc and they are always supervised) but our dd is almost 7mths and may well be crawling by the time they visit (aug) and i just think my allergies, crawling baby and our four other boys, plus the dog equals nightmare!

we wont be able to relax as we will constantly be watching kids/dog and my skin etc will go mad which means i will be uncomfortable and it affects my sleep as i itch so much, so i will end up knackered (well more knackered than usual!)

i want to tell the relatives, yes visit thats fine, but do not bring the dog, but dp doesnt want to upset the relatives.

they regularly leave the dog in kennels to go on holiday btw, so its used to being left, its just that the assume they can bring the dog when they visit us, despite me saying that it affects my allergies etc, apparently i should just take a tablet to stop my itching...if only it were that simple!

so am i being unreasonable to just put my foot down and say whilst we want them to visit, we dont want them to bring the dog?!!

and how to do so tactfully!

'but he does feel uncomfortable in raising the issue with them and insisting they dont bring their dog!'

Too bad! He needs to grow a pair.

"I would say "sorry, he needs to stay in the garden or the conservatory" not up for discussion - your house, your rules!"

PLEASE CAN I REMIND EVERYONE NOT TO PUT DOGS IN CONSERVATORIES DURING THE SUMMER WEATHER. IT'S THE SAME AS LEAVING THEM IN CARS - THEY CAN DIE IN JUST 20 MINUTES AND THAT DEATH WILL BE EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL.

Some stupid bitch in the SW did that with her Staffie a couple of days ago. When the dead dog was discovered so were claw marks and bite marks in the brickwork, around the door and on the woodwork where the poor dog had tried in desperation to get out before succumbing to an agonising death.

Given that you are allergic, you are absolutely within your rights to put your foot down very firmly on this one.

Not read whole thread yet, but it's your house, not theirs, so you have every right to say no to the dog. If they are so rude that they don't take your feelings into account wrt your own house then why the fuck are you so concerned with offending them? Tell your DH, that his first priority should be you you, not the delicate feelings of his rude relatives.

thanks ladies :)

i do just need to be firm, but to whomever mentioned about talking to her when she said allergies are just a 'trendy fad' you havent met her, now she is lovely and dotes on the boys (tho she did once lose ds3 but thats another story..) but she is very um opinionated and she is right! basically and its not worth trying to argue the point.

i have tried tactfully to talk about the dog thing but she always makes out like its mean to the dog and hurts her feelings etc and when i did put my foot down about visitors after the birth of ds4 and then dd she got all uppity.

when i had ds1 i had met them ONCE before i was just 20, had a 3 day labour and was on enforced bed rest after birth (drs orders due to spd) andthey turned up 24hrs after he was born when i was trying to get to grips with bfeeding, was knackered etc and wouldnt leave! in the end the midwife saw that i was upset and she made them leave.

ds2 was over 2 wks overdue, went into labour at midnight, he was born at 7am so up all night, then home with new baby, again within 24hrs they were there and at 10pm at night the day after having him they were still sat in our living rm and she said 'oh you do look tired, you have only sat and fed baby all day so shouldnt be really' !!! i had only been up all night the day before giving birth and it was 10pm at night and i wanted to be in bed with my new baby but couldnt because they were visiting and wanted to 'see' the new baby who of course wanted to be attached to my boob permanently!

ds3 fairly similar again, so with ds4 i said no visitors for first week and dd the same and she was all snooty that she wouldnt see the baby when it was 'new' a week old is still new!!

i could go on... but anyway suffice to say she was all upset and cried when i tried to explain my reasoning the dog thing will be the same or else she will get that 'tone' iykwim

You need to get a scary animal without fur bigger than said dog. Easy if a chiuaua, difficult if a great dane...
I'd suggest a crocodile but not sure how it would react to 7mo
Or you could buy a curse from someone to put over your house - any dog to cross this threshold shall be struck down with allergies of its own. /act outraged that someone would do such a thing when you were soooooo looking forward to the kids playing with the dog...

Or google some pics of someone who has had a severe allergic reaction to a pet and forward it on to them, saying you dont mind the dog being in your home as long as they dont mind paying for the private medical treatment you will need once affected by the dog. Also mention about those people you know whose dog had to be put to sleep because it - totally out of character - nipped a child at the house it was visiting.

Remind DH that dogs do sometimes go for children regardless how good a temprament they seem to have. Ask him if he is happy for that risk to be on his head.

I must say I do feel for you, it must be horrible being allergic :(

btw if dog was in the conservatory it has a sunshade roof, special reflects heat thing AND bit sliding doors into the garden that would be open the whole time for dog to go in and out, i wouldnt leave it in there to melt!

You are most DNU.

Can you explain the situation, and possibly arrange to see them at a local park, or pub with a beer garden. They still get to see you and the DC, but you can keep your distance from the dog.

TBH they sound quite manipulative, what with all the tears and being upset - see it for the controlling behaviour that it is.

I think you have enough on with DD and her feeding habits :) Cant you say the HV says 'no dogs' or something similar, then its less 'you being faddy' (not that I think you are) and based on what the HV thinks is best for DD.
Are you allergic to all furries? If not, could you borrow a cat/ rabbit etc and then ban the dog so it doesnt scare your pet?
If all else fails, I'd rather cancel the visit that suffer the horrible reactions for several weeks afterwards tho. You have my sympathy

allergic to all furry animals unfortunately mibby :(

and if you see my post in fb mn friends bit merryn has thankfully had a much better day! she has dropped her night feeds YAY and gone down to four milk feeds a day and been much better. she just went about it in an odd way, little madame!

i think i may just say that my eczema is already playing up (which it is) and that the dr has said NO contact with pets! the visit isnt until aug so they have a month to sort out a kennel for the dog.

No. Just no. No dog in the conservatory, no dog in the garden. I hate itching and cannot fathom having to have unnecessary itching and painful skin just because some overbearing person brings a dog.

Your DH should have stood up for you after the births of your children and herded off those people. He needs to care about and for you, first and foremost. The woman sounds bonkers and bossy.

Of course YANBU. The dog makes you unwell, they should be a million times more considerate. I would have never taken my dog to stay over at somebodys home knowing that the dog would have made somebody unwell. I would be more than a bit that allergies are classed as a "fad". I used to be so severely allergic to animals that I would have golf ball eyes and swollen lips and tongue just from being near an animal, thankfully I grew out of it but you must really suffer with it as an adult AND with the pressures of your own children AND having house guests! Want to take my hat off to you a bit for being so calm actually.

YANBU but I can see why just saying 'No' is hard. Some people who love their pets find it impossible to understand why anyone else has a problem with them.

Even if you didn't have allergies you have 5 kids including a baby and they are anxious about their dog being touched. It isn't appropriate to bring a dog to visit a family in those circs.

Send them this email -

Dear relatives,

We are very much looking forward to seeing you soon; however we do have to raise something with you before you come.

As you know 4madboys is allergic to dogs. Her allergy manifests itself as eczema, asthma and hayfever, all very uncomfortable and debilitating as you can imagine! These symptoms also affect her sleep and as we now have the 7mo old, sleep is a valuable commodity! Furthermore, these symptoms persist for months after you've visited because the dog hair gets everywhere in the house.

We've tried to raise this issue with you before but sadly we don't feel you've taken our concerns on board; we take responsibility for this because we obviously haven't fully explained the extent of her allergy.

So we hope you understand our position when we say that we cannot allow Fido in our house. We have relented in the past as you've appeared very upset when we've brought this up but henceforth we are going to have to stick to our 'no dogs' policy. Anything else just isn't fair on 4madboys.

Thank you for your understanding and us and the kids can't wait to see you.

Mr and Mrs 4MadBoys

hair, slobber,mess,kids crawling all over them.adults trying to sneeze and scratch,,I wouldnt dream of putting my dog thru' that,in fact,I would see if i could check into the kennel with her..some holiday.

"I have eczema, asthma and hayfever and the dog sends my skin nuts, i will be itchy, sneezey etc. they insist the dog comes in the house.......but oh no it has to come in the sitting room and even sit under the table in the dining rm whilst we are eating... it drives me nuts."

They wouldn't do that in my home. They would be told to come wihtout their dog or not come at all.

Your house, your rules.

just say you can't wait to see them but that the dog made you very ill for months last time and you need to avoid a repeat situation by keeping dog out of house.

OP, for heaven's sake, grow a pair and SAY NO, or in immortal MN language, Off you fuck, Cuntychops, to these blasted relatives.

I adore our dogs but I do realise that not everyone else does, or even if they do, allergies are a serious issue. This is your home and your health.

And from the dog owners point of view, a gang of excitable boisterous children when you have an elderly dog not used to DC - I'd want Fido in a nice, relaxing comfy kennel or with their favourite dogsitter, being fed Bonio and sitting on a velvet cushion.

tell them either the dog stays in the caravan or they can find somewhere else to stay. its not a "new fad" its your health!!

God Mad4boys, why are you friends with this manipulating, selfish, insensitive woman? She sounds really horrible.

I also think you sound quite unassertive, sorry! The stories about them visiting soon after you had given birth are just the same as this dog one. "I'm afraid I've got to go to bed now. Thanks for coming, goodbye." Why on earth would you sit there suffering. To be polite? Misplaced politeness. You are perfectly entitled to go to bed for god's sake.

Same as "I will suffer hugely if the dog comes in the house so he can't come in, sorry."

Stick up for yourself. ANd please have a think about whether you really want to be in touch with these nasty people. Good luck with it all.

YANBU. I can't believe how rude they are being to not consider their host's feelings!

I think you need to get forceful with DP though first off; he needs to back you up. And on a immature note, anything you can do in their house to show them how it feels to have your wishes ignored?!

Actually hadn't read the post about your post birth experiences w/ this chick. Try to run the dog over.

Failing that suggestions for DD based reasons for refusing it in the house sound really good; as does your 'doctor's orders' one.

Just say No again and again and again. If they turn up on the doorstep with the dog, say No it is not coming in. No, not even for a few minutes. If you can't leave it in the caravan then it stays in the garden. It does NOT enter this house. IF you don't like it you are welcome to leave again. You were asked repeatedly to leave it behind as it makes me ILL and could KILL me (true if you hit status asthmaticus as a result of the dog) - it's a DOG fgs.

I can't bear people who do things like this. I wouldn't agree to the visit unless they put the dog in kennels, as they are obviously the sort of guest who thinks "oh well, if we just turn up with it she can't say no so we'll just get our own way".

There is NO WAY your house should be invaded by the dog, causing you longterm distress, debilitation and illness. How very fucking rude of them!

And kick your DP up the arse - he is the one who will have to pick up the pieces if you are knocked out by this - he should bloody well stand up for you!

Failing that, get a python, about 20'long, that snacks on dogs. Make sure you keep DD away from it though...

Just say no. Your health is more important than her spitting the dummy.
If she can't bear to leave her dog, she doesn't have to come.
I am surprised when I read things like this, that people are so bold.
I am also allergic, and the itching can make one so miserable, never mind the congestion.
Be strong. You are not being unreasonable in the least.