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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu?! relatives coming to visit and i dont want them to bring their dog...

86 replies

4madboys · 29/06/2011 16:07

i know, i know another dog thread....

anyway the jist is this, we have relatives on dp's side who will be visiting in the summer for most of a week, they will come in a caravan but will be at our house EVERYDAY! they insist on bringing their dog (as its their baby..) BUT I AM ALLERGIC TO DOGS!!

I have eczema, asthma and hayfever and the dog sends my skin nuts, i will be itchy, sneezey etc. they insist the dog comes in the house, i have suggested it stays in the garden, or conservatory if its wet, but oh no it has to come in the sitting room and even sit under the table in the dining rm whilst we are eating... it drives me nuts.

apparently iam being unreasonable as allergies are just a 'trendy fad' (have been allergic my whole life!

also the dog is old and 'fragile' and they are very over cautious with regards to my kids touching/stroking/being near it...the boys are very gentle (we have taught them to be kind to animals etc and they are always supervised) but our dd is almost 7mths and may well be crawling by the time they visit (aug) and i just think my allergies, crawling baby and our four other boys, plus the dog equals nightmare!

we wont be able to relax as we will constantly be watching kids/dog and my skin etc will go mad which means i will be uncomfortable and it affects my sleep as i itch so much, so i will end up knackered (well more knackered than usual!)

i want to tell the relatives, yes visit thats fine, but do not bring the dog, but dp doesnt want to upset the relatives.

they regularly leave the dog in kennels to go on holiday btw, so its used to being left, its just that the assume they can bring the dog when they visit us, despite me saying that it affects my allergies etc, apparently i should just take a tablet to stop my itching...if only it were that simple!

so am i being unreasonable to just put my foot down and say whilst we want them to visit, we dont want them to bring the dog?!!

and how to do so tactfully!

OP posts:

queenmaeve · 29/06/2011 16:24

Yanbu. A dog is not an invited guest.

Blu · 29/06/2011 16:25

Reelling: that isn't the point. Pet allergies are set off by the protiens that get left behind on soft furnishings etc - hooovering up the hair makes no difference whatsoever. I manage my cat allergy by taking anti-histamine before going to cat-owner houses, but if a cat was allowed to sit on furniture or carpet in MY house I would be uncomfortable, wheezing, itching and sweating for months.

I have to ask DS's cousins and also my best friend not to sit on DS's bed: they all have hrdes of cats and even thier clothing on DS's bed causes him to wheeze and swell.

DartsRus · 29/06/2011 16:26

I didn't realise allergies were just "trendy fads". My nephew was a whisker from death because of a "trendy fad"

reelingintheyears · 29/06/2011 16:30

I'm saying that all the proteins that set off the OPs allergies when the dog is at her house must also be present in much higher proportion when she visits the relative's house.

Original poster

4madboys · 29/06/2011 16:32

thankyou all!

and yes when i go to theirs i take extra antihistimines, which make me sleepy but my allergies still play up and we generally only stay two days and i still suffer for weeks afterwards, but we do visit so they can see the children :)

but this is MY house and i dont think i should have to suffer in my own home!

and yes dp does care, whoever asked (sorry cant remember your name)

but he does feel uncomfortable in raising the issue with them and insisting they dont bring their dog!

OP posts:

MaxSchreck · 29/06/2011 16:35

I wasn't really suggesting that your DP doesn't care about you, OP, more that he would rather see you suffer than make his relatives a bit uncomfortable, iyswim?

Original poster

4madboys · 29/06/2011 16:35

they are reeling but its their house and i cant very well tell them to get rid of the dog! but i CAN have rules for my house one of which is that i dont want the dog in it!

my parents have a dog and when they visit they get friends to look after it, my mil had a dog (now dead) she used to put hers in kennels. my best friend has a dog and never brings it to mine and when i go there she is lovely and hoovers to within an inch of her life, damp dusts etc and keeps the dog out of the way as she knows how much i suffer, she doesnt have to do these thigns btw, i have never asked her to and wouldnt! but she does it because she is a GOOD friend and cares for me.

these relatives, whilst lovely, and they love the boys dearly and dd, but they it seems they care more for their dog than they do me! and this is my own home, i dont want to spend ages hoovering, damp dusting etc after their visit, nor deal with weeks of itching and sore skin etc.

OP posts:

reelingintheyears · 29/06/2011 16:39

Quite right...
You can and should have rules for your home that don't include dogs if they make you ill.
Or even if you just don't like them.

I was only wondering about when you visited them...if you can take extra anti histamines that's good but i can see how it must be a drag when the dog has been in your home.

mumblebum · 29/06/2011 16:40

YANBU I'd rather not take my dog to people's houses because it makes me worry too much about hair and dirt and generally being inconvenient to them. I'd much rather put him in kennels so we can all relax, including the dog who is more than happy to go into kennels (traitor).

bessie26 · 29/06/2011 16:42

So DS is affected too? Would they leave the dog outside for his benefit or do they think he is in on this "trendy fad" too?

MamaMary · 29/06/2011 16:44

Put your foot down. No dog in your house. You don't even need the excuse of an allergy (not that it's an excuse, far from it). I dont' allow dogs in my house. They are welcome in the garden. (I have no allergies.) End of.

QueenKate · 29/06/2011 16:46

YANBU

We used to have a dog and I never would've taken him to anyone's house if they we're allergic - how inconsiderate.

I would be polite but firm, repeatedly. Do not budge. State warmly that although you are looking forward to their visit, the dog will not be welcome at the house as you are allergic.
If they respond with reasons/excuses state that the dog makes you ill and give an example of your symptoms, tell them that it lasted for weeks after their last visit so this time the dog cannot come to the house.
If they suggest medicine, suggest kennels.

I can't believe that they think it's okay to have their dog affect you like this in your own home.

simbo · 29/06/2011 16:49

We have a dog but I would never take it to someone else's house if they were not totally ok with it. Your dp is putting his family before you and that needs sorting. You can't be expected to be a good hostess if you have been made unwell by the thoughtless actions of guests.

the dog sleeps in the caravan and is allowed in the garden only, or you they do not come.

Original poster

4madboys · 29/06/2011 16:50

bessie no, thankfully none of the children seem to have any allergies (touch wood)

yes i just need to be firm...will be an interesting conversation...

OP posts:

PorkChopSter · 29/06/2011 16:50

Haven't you asked this before somewhere else 3)

They book the dog into kennels for their holidays, they can book it in for visiting you.

Just say No ^^

Or get A to, they are his relatives . Would your MIL have a word?

Original poster

4madboys · 29/06/2011 16:53

lol chopster! this is such an ongoing issue.... we have talked to them about it soo many times! and they have ONCE put the dog in kennels...

mil wouldnt have a word oh god no!

and i think dp just doesnt know how to raise it as an issue 8)

OP posts:

PorkChopSter · 29/06/2011 17:13

"You know, Aunty Catsbumface, that after last time you came with the hairy stinky dog, that S and DS1?2?3?4? had flare ups of eczema for 3 weeks afterwards because of the hair in the house. So, please book it into your kennel when you come to stay. Thanks"

DogsBestFriend · 29/06/2011 17:30

Of course YANBU. I love my dogs more than life itself but I wouldn't expect anyone else to. I look at it this way - my house, MY rules, and if you don't like dogs and/or expect them to be shut away from you when you try to visit, fuck off, don't ever come to my door.

YOUR house, YOUR rules and if you don't want my dogs there that's fine by me. Either I'll make other arrangements for them or politely decline your invitation.

It ain't rocket science really, is it? :)

JanMorrow · 29/06/2011 17:42

The dog can't come in your house simple as that. Tell them, don't ask them, TELL THEM.

scarletfingernail · 29/06/2011 17:48

I actually think it's quite arrogant of them to ignore your wishes about this, especially as you've already told them how it affects you. In fact it's bloody rude.

I would be calling them and saying something along the lines of "you know how I'm allergic to dogs and I've already asked that you don't bring the dog inside my house? Yes, well I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist on it. We really want you to visit us, but I won't be letting the dog inside. Just wanted to let you know before you came so you can make other arrangements for it if you're not happy with that."

The ball's in their court then whether they still come or not.

Andrewofgg · 29/06/2011 17:49

YANBU and TNS about it.

travellingwilbury · 29/06/2011 17:54

YANBU , couldn't you say that you have been to the dr recently and has said that you absolutely have to stay away from dogs as you are getting worse .

I know you shouldn't have to lie but sometimes people will listen to what an imaginary dr says rather than a relative .

PrincessScrumpy · 29/06/2011 17:55

I would say "sorry, he needs to stay in the garden or the conservatory" not up for discussion - your house, your rules!

Teachermumof3 · 29/06/2011 18:05

I'm sorry, but when they said that your reactions were a 'trendy fad'-why did you not make some sort of objection! I would have been speaking to them about that, to be honest.

Anyway-no, of course you are not being unreasonable, but you must put your foot down. If your DH won't say anything, then you must.

How about-

Dear self-centred relatives...as you know I have asthma and eczema and am I'm extremely allergic to dogs. Whilst I can take an antihistamine to minimise some of the damage when visiting other people's houses, to have then in my own home causes weeks of itching, pain, swelling and sleeplessness which cannot be prevented by 'popping a pill'. If you wish to come and stay, we would be delighted to have you, but must ask that you put the dog in kennels-as you do when you travel elsewhere. If this is a problem-maybe we can come and visit you instead at a later date.

Yours
Notawalkover

How's that?

joric · 29/06/2011 18:14

Allergies aside, it's your house, your rules.
It can be hard to put some people off. some dog owners think that as long as they say is 'it'll be fine, you won't know it's here, it's old, quiet, soft, gentle, won't bark, won'tbite, won't smell, won't jump up, won't dribble, will stay in porch, garage, conservatory etc etc' they can bring dog along despite the fact you have told them you don't want dog there.
I also think that some people find it hard to accept that others may not like dogs. I really really don't like dogs - never been bitten or frightened by one - just don't like them. I wouldn't want one in garden, porch, garage, conservatory. I would say no dog- YANBU!

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