AIBU or is my DH ?

[FullSummer]

10.45 On a Sunday evening:

I am preparing lessons for tomorrow. Made sure DD had shower/washed hair by 9 and asked her to go to bed then.

10.30 DD and DH are still listening to a loud live concert. It disturbs my lesson prep and I know for a fact that family next door with two young children are disturbed if we play loud music. Mum next door is lovely, does not get enough sleep. I have told DH this many times. But, he persists in playing loud music at the time our DDs and DCs next door need to go to bed.

If I ever ask him to tunr down music because children don't sleep he says ' yes they can' that's it. No discussion or consideration of others. This evening hen I said DDneeded to go to bed as she had school tomorrow he said 'so what, you're a Victoran'

Loud music is fine.Just not after 9 if you have children in your house and next door. Especially if school next day. AIBU and unreasonable ?

I feel sorry for you

TBH I think he might have some kind of overall problem understanding how people work. I don't know what else can explain his not understanding the POV of other people. Every time we have a difficulty like this one with the music, it takes a really long time for me to explain why his behaviour is causing problems. It is exhausting. Anyone else have any suggestions ? Then I'll move on from AIBU as I think it's more of an MH/relationships issue.

I think moving into Relationships is a good idea. But to my way of thinking, what could explain his not underastanding other people's POV is him being a twat.

And ultimately, it doesn't really matter what the cause is, does it? If he's happy this way, swears at you when you try and influence his behaviour, and makes your home miserable to be in, then do you want to live that way?

my father was exactly like this

I see him at xmas and his birthday, even though he lives only 3 miles away

does that tell you anything ?

blimey maybe i am a Victorian because my 11yr old goes to bed at 8.30 on the dot and that is fairly new before that it was 7.30. i would say if he is going to call you victorian act it. if you tell dd to go to bed then she should damn well be going to bed. next time she doesnt do as she is asked regardless of what dh is doing or says she can do she should be punished perhaps by making her go to bed early for a week or something. 11 is old enough to know if mum says go to bed then she knows she should. dh is not only totally undermining mining your parental authority but being a grade a prick i would pull the plug personally. pack dd daughter off to bed and squared up for the in conversation about dh treating you with respect because he really isnt.

My dd is 11. There is no way in the world that this is right. If it were a very special occasion, then perhaps, but I would be more likely to celebrate the occasion on Saturday night rather than Sunday.

Sunday is a school night, which means Sunday is a night for school night bedtime. DH has to grow up and be responsible.l Does he want her to fall asleep at school? Does he want her to learn little if anything? Does he want her to waste the opportunities which should be opening up to her now because she's too knackered to think straight?

Do you want to carry on living lke this where you have no authority in your own home? No respect?

No, you don't.

I think you are all weird.

If my DH insisted I had to wear headphones every time I wanted to listen to music he didn't like I'd think he was a bossy prick.

Why does the OP get to decide what is listened to when?

If you think music is too loud you ask for it to be turned down, you don't insist it is turned off.

Loads of people watched the Glastonbury concert on BBC 2 last night. Are they all selfish bastards whose partners should leave them? Or is it, in fact, entirely normal to watch TV at 9.30?

Unplugging the TV because someone won't do as you say is a prick move.

And 9.30 seems an early bedtime for an 11 year old.

so your wants would be more important than your child's, your partner's, and your neighbour's, SheCutOffTheirTails? Seriously?

shecutofftheirtails I think you are strange
9.30 is quite late (but not too late) a bedtime for an 11yo. My bedtime didn't become 10pm till I was at least 15. The situation with OP's DH is that he's refusing to even turn it down, so yeah, if my fella tried that the stereo would be out the window (and I live on the 11th floor!)
I do not think she is being unreasonable to ask him to turn it down, the fact he refused is really unreasonable and not to mention childish, so I would say to DD right go and get yourself into bed, then wonder off to the fuse box and flip the mains switch off. Reasoning would be to DH (out of earshot of child of course) if you are going to be an unreasonable selfish prick, so will I.
That in itself is probably really childish too, but its exactly what I'd do lol!

I may have watched Glastonbury but I certainly didn't having blasting out the windows. That is the difference.

Why do some people thrive on making someone else's life harder? It's about consideration of others.

My mate works a night shift so when he comes home at 3am I doubt that the neighbours would like him playing very loud music which is the equivalent of 6pm by people who work in the day.

We have lived in detached houses because of selfish bastards in the past, at the last house despite being detached, the neighbours used to think it was great to have their numerous children play musical instruments in the garden playing the trumpet badly and outside was done to deliberately piss people off. And no I didn't complain, we just moved.

There is no evidence that the child or the neighbour were being harmed by a man watching TV in his own living room of a Sunday night.

Sounds to me that the OP threw her toys out of the pram because she wanted her work to dominate the living space.

hahahahahahahaha shecutoff are you the op "dh" i think you might be come on fess up to being that feckless undermining prick go on you know you want to.

Rubbish, this is all about the OP. The supposed consideration for the neighbours is just an excuse for getting her own way.

I grew with a teacher. No way would my Dad have taken over the living room with his schoolwork and expected us to all stfu so he could concentrate.

The parents obviously disagree about bedtimes. Can't see why OP automatically wins that argument. She sounds very bossy, and I'm not surprised the others too the piss out of her.

She wanted the TV off so she could work. Everything else us just window dressing.

Also, why shouldn't children play musical instruments in their garden?

Was it in the middle of the night? Or do you just object to hearing other humans being alive?

God, living next door to you must be a wonderful experience.

He's being an unfair, childish arsewipe. She is trying to reach a compromise in which she gets her work done, he listens to what he wants to listen to and the neighbours aren't being disturbed. And what is he doing? Throwing his toys out of the pram, putting his fingers in his ears and screaming as loud as possible to get the "nasty mummy to go away".

OP I presume your DH was watching Glastanbury last night with you DD, my DH was also doing that although he didn't have the sound really load. I would have been fine with an 11 year old staying up to watch it. Was it very load and did your neighbours complain? You need to do your lesson playing in a different room. DD1 is a teacher but does not expect her DH to be quiet when she has school work to do. Also your DP is your DD' s parent as well as you. So it should not be just your rules. You need to sit down with your DP and discuss things. Not insist he follows your rules he is not your child,

Next time do a Ken Barlow !

There is only one problem here and that's the word "loud". If the music is loud enough to disturb the neighbours and they have children of 9 or below then you are not being unreasonable.
Else UANU your DC is 11, school is winding down, it's too hot sleep. Butt out relax and let her enjoy spending time with her Dad.
Believe me by next Xmas you won't get her to turn her light off much before midnight

what strange dialogue you maintain in your household

yabu glastonbury is once a year

shecutofftheirtails must be my DH !

Saying I am bossy and controlling is just the sort of teenage boy talk that he communicates in. Being a parent sometmes involves making unpopular decisions ie. when a child goes to bed if it's school the next day. Being an adult also involves keeping the peace with neighbours. Apart from the fact they are very pleasant people who I don't want to give a hard time to, we also need parcels taking in from time to time etc. It just makes sense to keep on the right side of them.

I was not in the same room as the music. I was on a different floor.

Of course there are special occasions when bedtimes are flexible. Not usually on a Sunday night in term time but I'm not a dictator, we could have discussed it. But it was not discussed. I asked DD to go to bed. DH knew that and an hour and a half later they were still listening to loud music. When I said it wasn't good idea he said I was Victorian.

and perry dialogue is good. The point is there WAS no dialogue.

My Ds is 10 yr and in bed by 8.30.pm
YANBU

OP, YANBU. My 12-year-old's bedtime is 9.30pm on school nights, 9pm if I think he looks tired. Victorian? I think not, just realistic. Does he often undermine your parenting?

pollyblue 's suggestion (I suppose you could always tell your neighbour he's disturbing to call environmental health with your blessing. Maybe a visit from someone "official" will pull him up.) sounds rather good to me.

I am concerned that If I say anything he shouts at me. That's really not good. You also say he cannot see other people's POV. These are not the behaviours of a reasonable adult.

"if I say anything he shouts at me."

It does sound like you've got more of a problem than just a DH who likes his music loud, and at awkward times. If I was shouted at every time I disagreed with a partner, I'd be asking some serious questions about the future of our relationship.