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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was only being friendly/neighbourly but man misunderstood/has chip on his shoulder

92 replies

paisleyII · 26/06/2011 19:29

back from work this afternoon, went to supermarket, crossed road, halfway across there is a bench - someone (a large man) was sitting on the bench tucking into a large tub of icecream with a spoon - i said to him with a smile 'that looks nice' as it was hot and he was eating ice cream - to my surprise he looked up and instead of ie smiling and saying something like 'yes, isn't it hot' etc he said with a kind of smile (quote) 'i don't give a shit....' i was flumoxed, wtf? i was just being friendly, i often chat to strangers, then as i walked back to the car i realised that he must have thought i was being sarcastic, making some reference to the fact that he was (very) fat and he was tucking into a large tub of ice cream - there is no way i would ever do something like that, i am still mortified when it comes into my head that he would think that. clearly he has a chip on his shoulder, probably from being bullied over the years about his weight. if i had realised at the time what he meant i would probably have said something so he knew i was referring to the nice ice cream he was eating as i was hot etc, i feel innocently horrible now

OP posts:
Original poster
paisleyII · 26/06/2011 22:51

mumble i am not familiar with any of these playwrights, do i come over as a bit of a nutter?

OP posts:
MumblingRagDoll · 26/06/2011 22:58

No! It just shows how bloody good Pinter was! He could write
scripts that seemed like real people talking...and your posts are...I think...written as you talk. Which imo you don't get very often on here...or other forums.

Maybe you should try writing!

jetsetlil · 26/06/2011 23:03

Surely if you are overweight or have food issues or both or have issues with people seeing you eat food - you would eat in the privacy of your home not on a bench in the middle of a road!! Please don't stop being friendly - why should you?? sometimes folk need to get over themselves.

Original poster
paisleyII · 26/06/2011 23:05

mumble - cheers! i'll take that as a compliment - i am just i guess you might say a bit 'out there', talk alot, poor dh, he knows i am a bit of an eccentric, guess that brings me back to the old ice cream comment, i just speak sometimes without thinking first....you should see me in action on my stall. actually, going off again a bit here, but some of the people we get in our yard (where i sell) make me seem 'normal' - you think I may talk too much and come out with things i shouldn't.....some of the people that go to a market and browse stalls, the things they come out with that are intentionally offensive, would make your toes curl :)

OP posts:
MumblingRagDoll · 26/06/2011 23:11

Yes..it is meant as a comliment...you should write it all down...things you hear at work. Wish I was still in London Paisley...I could have a walk around all the markets and eventually reckon I'd know you by listening to you! Grin

MrsKravitz · 27/06/2011 08:39

paisley if you read back on your posts , you have (maybe unwittingly) judged this man left right and centre due to his weight. First he must have been bullied due to his weight, then he is eating because he is sad and lonely and then he is obviously a sad misfit or loner. You probably meant nothing by it but it does read like that to me. Maybe he's just a guy who hates people making coments about his food.

springydaffs · 27/06/2011 09:03

"This is the UK- one never talks to strangers!!!!.

Wait until you go abroad, then they talk back and are friendly"

yes, yes, yes!! my kids have flown the nest, I hate the british weather, time to head for foreign shores Smile

as for commenting on what people are eating: when I was a student, I wandered down to the kitchen in our communal house and someone was eating somehing that looked very yummy and I said ooo can I have some? His reaction was, well, strange. He sort of rumbled and quaked internally and eventually left the kitchen in a major huff. What did I think? I thought "weird"

OP I wish you lived near me when I lived in London Wink

MrsSchue · 27/06/2011 09:03

I particularly appreciated the bit where you said you spoke to him because he looked the type who most people wouldn't acknowledge. How awfully kind of you. Hmm

MrsKravitz · 27/06/2011 09:07

I forgot that bit. mrsschue. Yes, kind.

springydaffs · 27/06/2011 09:26

So, everybody's being respectful, not judging, respecting everyone's personal space. so that we all live in bubbles - appallingly empty bubbles, for some - and if someone says something chirpy and friendly to a perfect stranger they are being patronising, not just friendly or kind or generous but some kind of holier than thou social worker. who has NO RIGHT to invade someone's bubble and deserves to get their head bitten off for having and extending a sense of community.

MrsKravitz · 27/06/2011 09:38

You may say extended sense of community. I think commenting on people's food is rude. (as do some others). "morning. boy isnt it hot" is sense of community. Im sure the OP didnt realise but some people do find that off putting. Im sure she does now.

belgo · 27/06/2011 09:41

NEVER comment on what other people are eating.

I HATE it when people comment on what I am eating, it is virtually always sarcastic.

belgo · 27/06/2011 09:43

I disagree with what someone says about people in the UK never talk to strangers - that is simply not true. People in the UK are imo very friendly on the surface.

In Belgium strangers never talk to each other; it always surprised me when I go back to England how much people talk to each other.

Vicky2011 · 27/06/2011 09:45

Well as a fat person I think it's clear that a lot of these thoughts about the man have only come into Paisley's head after he was rude to her. She is, not unreasonably, trying to process what went wrong with the interaction and find some explanation. TBH, I think it's a pretty big deal being sworn at by a complete stranger and I don't blame Paisley for turning it over in her mind. As I said earlier, even in the unlikely event that I had been doing my beached whale impression on a bench with some ice cream, I can't envisage swearing at a stranger unless I was really sure they were being abusive to me - and even then I tend to respond sarcastically in a "you have a good day too," sort of way.

I would argue that the fact that Paisley said what she said actually shows that she wasn't initially making judgements on his weight and actually would have commented regardless of his size - it's only when she got barked at that she has started to think about his "ishoos".

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 27/06/2011 09:50

springydaffs I don't think that your student housemate's reaction was weird at all. If someone asked me for some of what I was eating I think I'd tell them to jeff off. It's one thing saying a friendly hello to someone, entirely another to ask them if you can eat some of their dinner!!!

MrsKravitz · 27/06/2011 09:52

No doubt about it, the man was rude to swear at the OP.

emmanumber3 · 27/06/2011 09:58

Haha, if I'd have been the fat person on the bench I probably wouldn't have wanted a stranger commenting either. But then, I can't stand it when supermarket cashiers feel the need to comment on every item I buy. Pisses me off it does, but maybe I'm just a grumpy sod! Hmm

Original poster
paisleyII · 27/06/2011 11:13

some of you on here are analysing every word i have said and are deliberately having a go at me, scrutising my every move and making what was initially a non descript friendly, what i thought was friendly, into something big and horrible - you are the types that make life lonely, you probably wouldn't talk to anyone due to over thinking the situation. did i think i was being friendly, yes i did actually, what the fuck is wrong with that. did i think he looked like a lonely misfit, yes i did, so what, what is wrong with going out of your way to talk to someone who looks like they probably don't get many people talking to them, and no, it wasn't so much that he was overly large, it was his whole look, don't be so bloody pc and pretend you don't know the type, what is fucking wrong with trying to perhaps lift, all be it for say 5 seconds, someones day by possibly making them not feel so inviseable. there are alot of lonely people in london and whilst he may not have been lonely etc i was in a good mood and felt like in my own say saying 'hi', anyone who can disect that and make it into somethng bad is someone i really wouldn't want to know, i know i can't stand people like you, pc brigade who pipe up bullshit on MN

OP posts:
Original poster
paisleyII · 27/06/2011 11:18

vicky - thanks for that, nice to be understood, that is what it was, a spare of the moment friendly (i thought at the time) comment. often someone will say something to me, could be about anything by a stranger when i am walking along and as long as it isn't ie 'smile, it might never happen' kind of comment, it can lift my spirits no end, don't know why, i guess it does give for a more community feel, i guess i had hoped i was doing the same, apparently not....

OP posts:
prettybird · 27/06/2011 11:33

Paisley - Don't feel bad about making a friendly comment to someone. The world would be sadder place if we around permanently in our little bubbles not acknowledging others.

springydaffs · 27/06/2011 12:03

I'd rather have people like you Paisley - iyswim - any day, than the pc, boundaried (bleurgh), grumpy, critical, cold fish swamping our fair isles. You're like a ray of sunshine on the marauders map of London Smile

springydaffs · 27/06/2011 12:11

I do realise now dickie that people can get kind of primal about food and no, I have never since said to someone, with a keen eye on their plate, oooo can I have some. It was all that rumbling he did that sent the message, don't worry Wink (still think he was weird though - jeff off would have been more straightforward iyswim)

Tchootnika · 27/06/2011 12:15

Paisley - pleeeease don't feel bad or stop talking to people out and about - that would be awful!
Please don't be upset! Ohhhh.... much better to talk to people....
(I wonder how the bloke is feeling now? He's probably forgotten, several tubs of icecream later...)

supercal · 27/06/2011 12:25

YABU

It's rude to comment on someone else's food unless you're in a restaurant with them

And YABU also for the references not only to how large he was (which, fair enough, might be relevant to his sensitivity to your comment), but also to how large the tub of ice cream was.

Be friendly by all means, but commenting on other people's food is intrusive.

ipswichwitch · 27/06/2011 12:36

"This is the UK- one never talks to strangers!!!!. "

well they do in the north east, and i tell you what, it's a nicer place for it. paisley, don't feel bad, not your fault someone took your comment out of context.