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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

was only being friendly/neighbourly but man misunderstood/has chip on his shoulder

92 replies

paisleyII · 26/06/2011 19:29

back from work this afternoon, went to supermarket, crossed road, halfway across there is a bench - someone (a large man) was sitting on the bench tucking into a large tub of icecream with a spoon - i said to him with a smile 'that looks nice' as it was hot and he was eating ice cream - to my surprise he looked up and instead of ie smiling and saying something like 'yes, isn't it hot' etc he said with a kind of smile (quote) 'i don't give a shit....' i was flumoxed, wtf? i was just being friendly, i often chat to strangers, then as i walked back to the car i realised that he must have thought i was being sarcastic, making some reference to the fact that he was (very) fat and he was tucking into a large tub of ice cream - there is no way i would ever do something like that, i am still mortified when it comes into my head that he would think that. clearly he has a chip on his shoulder, probably from being bullied over the years about his weight. if i had realised at the time what he meant i would probably have said something so he knew i was referring to the nice ice cream he was eating as i was hot etc, i feel innocently horrible now

OP posts:

MumblingRagDoll · 26/06/2011 21:26

Yes Imperial....but my kind of disorder doesn't involve desperate & uncontrollable urges to consume food....some people's do.

hellospoon · 26/06/2011 21:27

i am still mortified when it comes into my head that he would think that. clearly he has a chip on his shoulder, probably from being bullied over the years about his weight

Omigawd · 26/06/2011 21:28

This is the UK- one never talks to strangers!!!!.

Wait until you go abroad, then they talk back and are friendly :)

MrsKravitz · 26/06/2011 21:30

I was a fat child and people CONSTANTLY commented on my food. Strangers would make comments. I mean WTF?
Its horrible . I can see where he is coming from. Its a lifelong judging and he would have just reacted when you commented on his food and him eating.

I do think it unusual commenting on any strangers food tbh, fat or thin.

razzlebathbone · 26/06/2011 21:30

Fuck him and his big spoon.

Original poster

paisleyII · 26/06/2011 21:32

i think my initial urge to chat to him/be friendly was because he genuinely looked like he was enjoying himself. even though i did notice he was large, you couldn't miss it, however i think that made me be friendly more as he didn't look like the sort of person that the average jo might acknowledge, if you know what i mean. i often make a point of chatting to, if anyone, someone that looks like they might like someone to notice them, perhaps i have seen too many meantl health docu's on tv, i also have the odd mild mental health issues, or at least have over the years and i think i like to make an effort as i have experience the odd 'glimpse through the window' at being what you might say 'a bit different'. if i were to analise now, i would say he may have been the sort of person who was overweight due to being lonely and unhappy and so he ate, he enjoyed eating, i didn't get all deep and meaningful and think perhaps he has bulimia etc, he just looked like he was a bit of an odd bod who liked to eat, i like to eat, had two custart tarts when i got in from work and three packets of pretzels :)

OP posts:

razzlebathbone · 26/06/2011 21:35

If you have issues with food then don't sit on a bench in the middle of a busy area stuffing yourself with a large tub of ice cream and a spoon. She only said it looked nice anyway not 'look at you with your big family sized ice cream you fat bastard'. He should sit and eat indoors if he can't cope with social interaction reasonably.

MrsKravitz · 26/06/2011 21:37

Maybe he doesnt have issues with food. Maybe he just has issues with people commenting on his food.

Selks · 26/06/2011 21:40

I also think commenting on what a stranger is eating is a bit off, even if done in a friendly way. If someone had said that to me, if I were the ice cream eater, I would have said something polite back but inside I would be thinking "piss off".

But OP, don't sweat it. You meant to be friendly, he reacted as he did, so be it.

thursday · 26/06/2011 21:40

i dont think eating outdoors means you have to accept comments on it does it? obviously the OP meant no harm, but the way people are about fat people its no wonder he assumed he was being made fun of. i've had uninvited comments from passers by before and its not nice. dont worry, i learnt my lesson and dont eat in public anymore :)

RevoltingPeasant · 26/06/2011 21:43

Hmm, I would never ever have responded the way that guy did, but I would feel quite uncomfortable and self-conscious if someone commented when I was eating in public. When I lived in France and people wished me 'bon appetite' I found it quite cringe-making, although I obviously realised it was just a cultural difference and said thanks.

There was a cleaner at my previous place of work who'd often come in whilst I was having breakfast at my desk and say, 'Hey, yummy' or, if I had take-out porridge, make out that I was drinking Cupasoup for breakfast (for some reason he thought this was hilarous ).

I always just smiled politely but inside I was thinking 'Fuck off and leave me the fuck alone to eat in peace'. I'm nice like that :)

Vicky2011 · 26/06/2011 21:45

Well as a mahoosive girlie I can really see both sides of this. His reaction was completely uncalled for but I suspect strongly that he was mentally "on guard" expecting comments about his eating and when one came (albeit entirely non-aggressive) he took it totally the wrong way.

Verbal abuse is a pretty much daily occurrence for me and I must admit I do develop a bit of "f... off" persona when out and about but even allowing for that I'm sure I would have just looked at you suspiciously rather than said what he did! Also, there is NO way I would have been sat on a bench ploughing through a tub of ice cream - that is definitely a home-alone activity!

RevoltingPeasant · 26/06/2011 21:45

But like Selks said, it happened, it wasn't really your fault, don't beat yourself up. It's very possible that he had had other, nasty, comments, and reacted instinctively - he might well be sitting at home now thinking, 'Oh God, that woman just said it was nice, she must've thought I was so rude, must engage brain next time!!'

You never know!

MumblingRagDoll · 26/06/2011 21:50

Revolting that's it! I hate people saying things when you're eating! WHY do they need to do it? Jus eff off and do something else! Don't be looking at my frigging fork as it travels from plate to mouth!

discobeaver · 26/06/2011 21:54

He was probably meant to be bringing the ice cream home for his family/flatmates and was eating it on the sly.
Who takes a spoon shopping, it was clearly pre planned.

RevoltingPeasant · 26/06/2011 22:05

Argh Mumbling the worst was a really skinny friend who was always making comments about what I ate and how I ate it. Such bad manners! Like, once I was eating a thick sandwich and she said 'It amuses me to see how wide you have to open your mouth to get that in'. This was at a picnic, so then obviously everyone was looking at me.

Another time she tried to photograph me as I was eating to put on FB

We are not friends anymore....

MumblingRagDoll · 26/06/2011 22:17

Revolting...you should have barged in on her in the loo and popped that on FB!

Original poster

paisleyII · 26/06/2011 22:18

thing is, i was on my way home from where i work (market) - people are mostly really friendly there, salt of the earth type plus you get alot of tourists, most of whom like to chat, real community spirit there, had a day (morning) of people (strangers) chatting to one another, usually about one of the many dogs you get down there (like crufts) or food, often come to think about it it is about food, so i guess i was still in the sociable 'work mode'. if i had walked past someone sitting on a bench ie perhaps fanning themselves i may have equally made a friendly comment like 'it's so hot today isn't it' - tbh right now i don't feel much like talking to anyone i might meet ie an old dear in the post office queue for fear of being 'bashed up'. he looked like a real misfit loner type, couldn't guess his age but not particularly young, quite a sad figure i thought although i don't think i would recognise him if i were to walk past him again in the street, possibly if he was tucking into a tub of walls'...i wonder where he got the spoon, he may have got one of those free plastic ones from m&s, i didn't study it (the spoon). funny thing is that it really didn't occur to me that it was odd or greedy that he was eating a whole tub, i just saw the icecream - where i sell people talk/chat to strangers pretty much all of the day, out and about in the street. i could eat a whole tub of the soya swedish icecream, vanilla, bloody lovely

OP posts:

Selks · 26/06/2011 22:19

I remember one time I was having tea at the pub with a friend, I was just tucking into my nosh and friend-of-friend walks in and joins us uninvited, then proceeds to comment on how unhealthy my meal was! Told her to fuck off, basically (but in a polite middle class kind of way, ha ha).

MumblingRagDoll · 26/06/2011 22:22

Paisley your last post reads like a Pinter monologue! It really does!

Original poster

paisleyII · 26/06/2011 22:29

i often do this....just my way of getting through the day, i spend alot of time on my own driving :)

OP posts:

Laquitar · 26/06/2011 22:32

Oh no! Thats another thing i've learnt here. I didn't know it is seen as rude, i do comment on people's food all the time

Tchootnika · 26/06/2011 22:32

Maybe he really said "I won't give you it" but you misheard? What with the eating disorder and all, he might think everyone's out to steal his scran...

Laquitar · 26/06/2011 22:37

Hmm now i have read the last 4-5 posts. I don't do that, i dont comment on nutrition, fat etc (thats very annoying) but i say i.e. oh is that with resberries? I like rasberries, italian ice cream blah blah.... that sort of chat.

MumblingRagDoll · 26/06/2011 22:50

What do you do often Paisley ? Write posts in the style of various playwrights?

Do Alan Ayckbourn...go on...go on!

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