AIBU to think you MN'etters should all wake up and come

[TheLadyEvenstar]

and talk to me?

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

I'm still awake and up for a chat.

Did you have a good evening?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

I am not having a good evening, I am hurting inside and not even because P is moving out so he will soon be ex-p

[PinguFanatic]

I'm still awake. hugs

[TheLadyEvenstar]

I have put a thread up in relationships but basically my partner and I have drifted apart because of his behaviour and after a lot of good advice from MN I decided not to tell the man I had fallen for how I felt, BUT on Friday I had a few too many and did tell him.

I spent Saturday evening in his arms...eventually getting home at 5am. But I had told partner prior to this our relationship was dead and he needed to move out.

So since then the new guy and I have text and talked every day, I will see him Friday but I am hurting so badly inside, missing him and wanting more.

I am sure there are other elements to my hurt though.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

And no what I did was not right considering partner is still in my home but I do love this man and I have avoided telling him for months now.

I haven't slept for 3 days, just dozed of a night time on the sofa

[TheLadyEvenstar]

first thread

second

[TheLadyEvenstar]

And now you have all left me

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

No, I haven't - hang on a minute while I get up to speed!

[QueenStromba]

I'm here too - let me just have a quick scan of the other threads. I totally understand not being able to sleep and being so in love with someone that you feel ill not being with them.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Either I've had too much, or those links go to the same thread!

I started to read your aibu post the other day, and I'm just off the find it to see how it ended.

Are you still awake and feeling lovelorn?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

yes wide awake, not so much lovelorn as bloody missing his old ass!!

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

You're not in love, honey, you're in lust and, given your description of your relationship with your (soon to be ex) dp, that's not at all surprising.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Your dp sounds as if he's a bit of loner in both his work and social lives - he's a driver and his hobby is fishing which are both solitary pursuits.

In addition, it seems that he has issues which may inhibit his social interraction with others - although I suspect that he's more comfortable around men than women, I doubt that he has any close male friends or any that he'd be comfortable 'unloading' to.

Although you come across as having street smarts and insight, and got yourself out of an abusive relationship, I suspect that you let your heart rule your head when it comes to romantic/sexual liaisons.

Did your current dp 'rescue' you soon after you split from your former dh/dp or while your relationship was still, to all intents and purposes, continuing?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Izzy, he is very much a loner, he has 2 maybe 3 fishing buddies and one of them is DS1.
He was in an approx 22yr relationship from the age of 17 until he was 39yrs old then their relationship broke up. He said it had been dead for years and he should have left sooner. He spent the time with his ex never having a holiday together with her and their DC. She would go on holiday to family and he would go fishing. Even his ex-p said, and this made me sad, "I should never have had DS2" meaning their DS2 not mine.

He and I met 5 years after I split with DS1's father so no he didn't "rescue" me. I was well and truely over the split and happy with my life.

I am normally not like this, I am a level headed person when it comes to relationships as a rule.

As for this time, well maybe as I said I am in love with the attention, the laughter, the nights out as a group, we are never alone as a rule.

TBH as I said we have a lot of talking to do, the timing would not make for an ideal relationship, we both have children who need to be considered, and there are other things we need to think about.

I am hurting because I miss him, when I am with him I laugh, joke, muck about and generally have fun. Then I come home to someone who doesn't even look at me or talk to me unless they want something.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Of course you miss him - you've been starved of laughter and affection and intimacy in a relationship with an allegedly non-attentive (and possibly anal retentive) partner.

The problem is that the timing's shite and, given the circumstances, it's somewhat inevitable that you've donned the rosy specs which obscure clear sight, and which can impair judgement about the true nature of the object of your lust and your mutual compatability (if any).

As others have commented, it seems that the advent of A has contributed to your dissatisfaction with your dp but ,IMO, a catalyst of this nature need not spell the end of an existing relationship, and can aid personal growth and maturity.

Overlapping relationships are not a good idea, but on this occasion I'm inclined to tell you to discreetly (as in EXTREME DISCRETION - do not reveal the affair to ANYONE in RL) continue your liaison with A as it has clearly kick-started your desire to be 'you' again, and has lifted your spirits after what sounds like years of humdrum drudgery.

However, please be aware that 'secret' affairs can last longer than open ones because of the thrill of the 'forbidden' and the pangs of longing engendered by parting 'until the next time', together with all of the 'if only' obsessive thinking in the intervening periods. It is well documented that secret affairs that have continued for many years can rapidly come to an end when exposed to the cold light of reality.

Could it be that with restored self-confidence you may be able to kick your present dp into touch, and bring about the changes needed for you to continue living with the man that you once cared for deeply enough to bear his child?

Make a list of your dp's positive and negative qualities, and make a list of your own. Ask him to do the same exercise. Sit down together and determine what you each bring to your relationship, and what is needed from each of you to enhance the other's quality of life.

Use the outcome as a blueprint to make life happier for both of you, whether he stays or goes.

BTW, I couldn't respond quicker in the early hours because mumsnet was offline for one of its frequent 'upgrades'.

[worraliberty]

Well I could only read half of the other thread before I lost the will to stop banging my head on the desk.

It seems full of denial about this affair you're having...and that is exactly what it is by the way.

You keep saying you 'love' him. Well either you use the word 'love' very easily or you don't know the difference between that and a crush on the rebound...both can be extremely intense things.

I wish you luck, but I have to say it's a shit way to treat the father of your child. I hope for your sake you don't become the non resident parent, but then again I don't see why your DP should have to be wrenched from the kids because of you started an affair.

It's all a bit of a mess really and a clear sign of why people really shouldn't hop from one 'partner' to another, especially when their are children involved. You really are putting your own happiness before anybody elses so I do hope you never regret this

[JudysJudgement]

the kids will be the ones who get hurt

as usual

[nickelbabe]

I have to say, TLES, apart from thekids, that's exactly what happened with me.

I got to the stage where I hated my ex, and I finally got round to telling (now)DH how I felt, and it took about a month before I could move out from my old house.

not asying it's right, but also not saying it's wrong.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

I will reply to you all.

But firstly Worra
the reason we are splitting is because of they way P has treated me, Asking me to marry him and then telling me he had not sorted his divorce because he didn't love me enough to marry me....all this after I had bought wedding dress, bridesmaids dresses, and lots of other things. Then a fortnight ago he really struck below the belt telling me "I hope you get raped" because I was going out to a nightclub.


This is the MAIN but not the only reason we are splitting up.
We have only had sex once since December and prior to that it was every month if I was lucky.
We have only been out twice(?) together without hte DC in the last 4yrs and the last time he got a huff on and we came home early. The reason for that was because the women he works with grabbed me to dance with them, and the men he works with were laughing and joking with me...about general stuff, and I was able to talk to everyone that spoke to me. Whereas he just sits there and doesn't speak. He is very much a loner.
I have asked numerous times for he and I to attend counselling for the benefit of both us and the dc, especially in light of him telling me his mother abused him - he has refused to go.
I spoke to him a few months ago and we were open and honest with eachother where I told him that I had been feeling neglected etc and that he would be able to help if just once in a while he shared the load a bit and let me have some "me" time. Not for me to go out but within the home.

On his days off he sits in the armchair and sleeps or plays poker. Even when it is school holidays he will do the same and not get up to take the dc out unless I do all the arranging first and then we never get out as planned.

He moans that I don't cook him steaks etc BUT cook the meals I can afford and know DS's will eat. Pasta dishes, roasts, casseroles, etc not processed foods

He expects that when we go out I not only make sure DC have their clothes ready - both need help for different reasons, DS1 as he has no idea what looks right with what and DS2 because he is 3, I also have to get his clothes ready right down to pants and socks.

He will only talk, text or call if there is something he needs even TODAY for example he has gone fishing and called me at 9am to say he was unable to fish as he had locked his keys and all equipment in the car could I call insurance company, So I did passed on his number for them to call him back. Now he has just called to say he has finished fishing but not heard from the insurers. But I just called them again and they have phoned him 8 times with no answer - and why? because he doesn't answer the phone while he is fishing.

Yes this is an affair I am having, I am not proud of it, yes I am enjoying the whole lot, the laughter, the caring, the sex (although that has only just happened), the general sense of being able to be myself and not be told "you're fat" or any other insult. I spent too long with my ex doing that to me to stay in this relationship.

I am not throwing him away I have asked him to move out because this is unhealthy for any of us involved. It is unfair on the children. It is unfair on him for me to be having a life outside of him and enjoying it, BUT it is also uunfair for me to be constantly downtrodden and insulted. It used to be that he would make jokes - at my expense he found them hilarious I never did.

[worraliberty]

OP I'm sure your DP could make a list just as long about you and the things that make him unhappy about you.

I realise you're unhappy but jumping straight to another man before you've left the first one is never ideal...kids or not.

So is he to move out of his home now while you get to stay there and continue to enjoy your children full time while he has to leave because you're 'in love' with someone else all of a sudden?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Judy, I am not introducing my DC to anyone. I am ending the relationship on a mutual agreement because neither of us are happy. My falling for someone else would not have happened if I was totally happy and in love with him.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Its not his home, It is MINE in my name, I pay the bills etc not him.

I am not jumping to another man, Yes I am enjoying what little I am getting but the kids do not know him or will they. This is my life seperate to them.

He only had to get a divorce thats all I have EVER asked of him.