My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I need to get this off my chest.

82 replies

InNeedOfAChat · 15/06/2011 23:14

I am a regular who has name changed.

I will call my partner S.

I have been with S for almost 6yrs. We have 2 children, 1 is mine from a previous relationship and 1 is ours together. S is great with DS1 but not so great with DS2. He is still a toddler and very much a mummys boy, So really S could be good with him when DS2 stops being so.

At the end of January this year S and I had a big row it started over me asking a question and him replying in such a way that I was devastated. I don't want to repeat what he said but lets say it hurt me deeply and has in my eyes all but killed us. I have continued plodding along beside him in the home making all ok for the childrens sake. We have no relationship.

Last night we had sex for the first time in 5m and afterwards I felt awful to the point I got up - it was nothing he had done he was his usual attentative (sp) self, it was just me.

Saturday last week I was going to a club with my friend and he didn't want me to go to this particular club, we had a bit of a row and he said "I hope you get raped tonight", as he said it he immediatly apologised because he realised what he had said and that he had touched a subject below the belt for me as I was once raped.

We are not arguing all the time as we hardly have anything to say to eachother. We have become so distant from one another.

HOWEVER and this is where I have the problem not him.

At the end of 2010 I met someone, I will call him A, while out, just a friend and we shared many laughs, we ended up sharing a kiss just a week before I had the row with S. S did not and still doesn't know about this as it was a mistake at the time and we both regretted it immensly.

However here we are 6m on. A and I see eachother every week and we have fallen for eachother, He is a lot older than me and has children. He has been single for 6yrs. We have been talking a lot about things and he has urged me to work on the relationship in the past. Last week we sat at the bottom of where I live talking into the small hours about all sorts of things.

I am going away this month with a female friend for a couple of nights, he and I would both like for him to join us. But he said "I would love to wake up with you but it would not be fair to either of us as I would have to go back to work and we wouldn't see eachother the next night, which we would both want" - So he is being sensible about things.

There has been a big problem within his sons lives which has meant he is now staying with them and will have to continue to do so.

We spoke today on the phone for 45 minutes and he is coming back to the area this weekend when we see eachother so that he can see me as in his words he misses me.

When I got off the phone from him I sat and cried because I realised just how much he means to me. Bear in mind we have shared a few kisses but thats it, nothing more. But we just rub along together so well, we are so similar in so many ways. except the obvious he is male and I am female.


I know you are all going to tell me to work on what I have but with what has been said I am finding it very hard. I don't know if A and I have a future or whether it is the excitement of the flirting, and the few kisses but I know in my heart of hearts I do love him in a way a woman in a relationship should not love another man.

So now I am meeting him this week, nothing will change that. S knows I am going to where A is working and that A will bring me home as usual - which is the truth, he never asks anything else and I never tell him anything else.


Do I front it and tell A how I feel or do I ignore it and just enjoy our nights out, which are not always just the 2 of us there are 8 friends we all go out with within a group.


Because at my age I know the difference between a crush and love.

OP posts:
Report
InNeedOfAChat · 15/06/2011 23:16

I should say I have suggested counselling for us, a break, splitting up etc but he just doesn't see there is a problem.

OP posts:
Report
LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 15/06/2011 23:19

Leave S.

Give it time.

Then think about A in a few months and not before.

Report
animula · 15/06/2011 23:22

Sorry you're so unhappy.

Can i pry and ask you how your last relationship ended?

Report
InNeedOfAChat · 15/06/2011 23:23

Yes, I left him because he was violent.

OP posts:
Report
EveryonesJealousOfGingers · 15/06/2011 23:24

Oh my god. I have only got to the 'I hope you get raped' bit - apology or no, that should not be in anyone's brain.

Report
InNeedOfAChat · 15/06/2011 23:27

No it shouldn't and its just something else that has gone against us.

I used to love spending time with him and last night when we took the dc and the dog to the park and were all playing ball it all seemed the same as it used to be. But we both knew and still know its not.

I am in love with A and I cant help it.

OP posts:
Report
EveryonesJealousOfGingers · 15/06/2011 23:29

Yep, get rid of S, regardless of A. No idea what the question/answer thing was, obviously, but the rape statement is just awful.

Re A - the first thing I would say is I think it would be very unfair on your female friend if you made her a gooseberry on her own weekend away!

And I completely agree with Loopy, keep the two issues separate - if you are starting a new relationship with A, make sure it doesn't get tainted in any way by being tangled up in you leaving S. You will need A as a friend and nothing more.

Good luck.

Report
InNeedOfAChat · 15/06/2011 23:31

Right now A needs me as a friend because of what has happened in his DC's life. Something I won't repeat on here. But imagine the worst thing that could happen to 2 young boys.

OP posts:
Report
Oakmaiden · 15/06/2011 23:32

If your relationship with S is as bad as you say it is, then I don't really see any point in continuing with it. But, if I were you, I would be asking myself how much of the problem is down to you having disengaged from you relationship already. Only you can answer that.

I do't think it is fair to anyone, though, to be carrying on an affair whilst you are still in a relationship with S. You need to make your mind up there first.

Report
Xales · 15/06/2011 23:34

Stop talking to A. It sounds as if you are happy and have feelings because he is paying you attention at a time when your relationship it at a low ebb.

Sort out your relationship with S either by counselling to see if it can be rebuilt or counselling so that you can end it decently.

Your relationship with S was once like the feelings you now have for A. The only thing changing is the man. Everything else will eventually be the same.

If it ends with S then spend a decent amount of time on your own concentrating on being happy with yourself.

Are you saying A has moved back in with with his wife/ex for the sake of their son? A little sceptical about that to be honest he can be a decent supporting father without living with his ex. That is just going to confuse his child and upset them again if/when he moves back out. This is another good reason to stay away from A until his life is sorted too.

Report
InNeedOfAChat · 15/06/2011 23:35

Oak, I didn't disengage myself until he broke me in January with a comment he made. I won't repeat it as it will give away who I am.

I am not having an affair as I said we have shared a few kisses but thats as far as either of us have let it go. The kisses aside we have just been out and about as mates in a group.

OP posts:
Report
InNeedOfAChat · 15/06/2011 23:37

Xales, I will inbox you why he has moved back to his children if you want. But his ex is not there.

OP posts:
Report
animula · 15/06/2011 23:37

OK. I've seen what your question is: "Do I front it and tell A how I feel or do I ignore it and just enjoy our nights out, which are not always just the 2 of us there are 8 friends we all go out with within a group."

I suppose one way to answer that is to ask yourself what it is you want to do by asking. Is it important to you to know his answer? Why?

Just a suggestion - but is this question actually your real question? Because you could actually flip a coin for the one above. So maybe you are really asking something else?

By the way - I was wondering "why" you left your previous relationship, but also "how" - did you argue a lot before you left? Did you just leave? That sort of thing.

Report
InNeedOfAChat · 15/06/2011 23:40

I know how he feels as we discussed it last week. I didn't tell him how I feel.

My last relationship was DS1's father who would punch the hell out of me if there was a cup out of place. He would physically attack me if DS1's toys were not put away when he got in from work, if his football team lost any reason really.

I had been on my own almost 5yrs when I met S.

OP posts:
Report
InNeedOfAChat · 15/06/2011 23:41

It took the police removing ex-p to get him out,

OP posts:
Report
animula · 15/06/2011 23:42

Why do you think you shouldn't tell A how you feel?

Report
animula · 15/06/2011 23:43

By the way, that ex - Sad. Well done for getting out but awful, really awful, you and your child had to go through that.

Report
InNeedOfAChat · 15/06/2011 23:45

Animula, because the timing is wrong, I know this. Not for me but for him. I can't say on here why he has gone back to be with his children but trust me their mum is definatly not there.

OP posts:
Report
animula · 15/06/2011 23:47

So you're not telling him because you think it will pressure him?

By the way, I think, really he must have guessed if a. you are being extremely emotionally supportive and b. you've been kissing him. Surely?

So what's the difference with actually stating what he must know?

Report
InNeedOfAChat · 15/06/2011 23:48

Animula, I sent you a pm

OP posts:
Report
mathanxiety · 15/06/2011 23:52

S hates you.

No other reason to say something as hate filled to you, except hatred.

Wrap it up with him and get yourself to a better place, emotionally, before you begin to tackle the A situation. You need time to heal from the toxic atmosphere you have been living in. Please give yourself time to detox and to live just for yourself.

I agree the time is not right to unburden yourself to A, because he is having difficulties with his children and needs to focus on that. But you also need to get yourself together before doing anything serious about A.

Best of luck. S sounds horrible, really horrible.

Report
ThatVikRinA22 · 15/06/2011 23:52

i think you need time and space away from both S and A to assess what you really want for the future.

its easy to don rose tinted glasses when your current relationship has hit the rocks. I know as i did it.

yes your current relationship sounds over, but he is perhaps saying hurtful things out of desperation.

if i were you, i would put some distance between you all, be alone for a short while and then look into relationship counselling - that does not mean it cements you and your current partner together but may also include amicable ways to split.

you need to take a big step back. have counselling and decide on your feelings with no complications affecting your decision.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

animula · 15/06/2011 23:54

pm not arrived (yet) - will wait until it does. Smile

Report
ThatVikRinA22 · 15/06/2011 23:55

math - S may not hate her, yes its wrong but he may be desperate and desperate people say and do desperate and unforgivable things.

when some men see everything slipping away from them they dont know how to handle it. S must sense something is wrong and may be hitting out because he is hurting too.

thats why i think a breather is needed from both men. this is an affair at the end of the day - and her husband must sense that its coming.

Report
FriggFRIGG · 15/06/2011 23:59

you should leave S and concentrate on yourself and your DC.
the rape comment is abhorrent.i would have left just on the basis of that.it should not even be in his head to THINK that.

allow A to concentrate on what sounds like a life changing blow for his DC.

and then,maybe,when you have ALL found your feet again,THEN you could think about dating A.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.