to be cross with MIL for not including DS1 in our family?

[branstonsandcheese]

Am properly gutted about this.

DH and I got together when DS1 was just a few months old - we'd been friends for years before that. DH's family were very welcoming - his mother was a single parent back in the 70s (DH and BIL have different dads and FIL is their stepfather, no kids with MIL), and went overboard buying DS presents etc. He was always included. His bio father isn't around - DH is daddy, MIL and FIL are granny and grandpa. DH considers DS1 his and will say he has 3 kids without hesitation.

DS1 is now 10. DH and I subsequently had two more DCs who are much younger (4 and 3). We noticed that DH's extended family (his uncle, his grandma), treated the younger DCs differently. For example, they send the younger DCs xmas and birthday cards but not DS1. Last year, DH's grandma sent the younger DCs xmas presents and left DS1 out. Our family xmas card was 'to Mr and Mrs DH (not my surname), DC2 and 3' - no mention of DS1.

Now that really upset me, actually, but I made allowances - DH's grandma is elderly and I'm sure things were different In Her Day. We see DH's uncle rarely enough that "my first great-nephew" comments can go overlooked. If DS1 has noticed that his siblings get much better/more presents from these people than he does he hasn't said anything (bless him).

MIL and FIL have always, I thought, made an effort to treat them equally. But things did change when the younger DCs were born. DC2 looks a lot like DH did when he was a baby and MIL made a huge deal about that to her long-term friends. I can understand that and it was an uncanny likeness.

MIL and FIL also told DS1 off quite a lot when he was being rambunctious around the younger ones when they were babies - but I could never be sure if it was unnecessarily so or I was being paranoid.

MIL works in Japan a lot and has made some friends there. A couple of these friends are in the UK at the moment and we went to meet them for lunch on Monday - they are staying with MIL and FIL down the road from us. MIL said (DH has some Japanese), that 'DH's oldest son looks just like he did when he was a baby', and DH interjected with 'no, my oldest son looks just like branston, DC2 looks like I did' - this caused some awkwardness as the guests had brought presents (as is the custom), but only for the family members they knew about. MIL was furious at DH for making her friend feel awkward, though that wasn't his intention and she hadn't told us she'd left DS1 out of her family.

DH and I talked about it later and he said that he'd previously heard MIL referring to DS1 as 'branston's child from a previous relationship' and 'my step-grandchild' - I feel so sad for DS1 because he considers himself to be their equal grandchild and, after all, has known them for much longer than the younger DCs have.

AIBU?

People are foul, aren't they. Say firmly that the children are all one family socially and are to be treated as such. TNS.

Of course if they have anything to leave when they die that's another matter. They may prefer their own blood to that of others and there is no reason why they should not. Not that there would be much to be done about it even if you disapproved!

What shoutyhamster said.

Mil needs to be reminded of her own history methinks....

I keep coming back to this thread because I feel quite indignant about how your ILs are behaving. A couple of posters have said that it's acceptable for the grandparents to refer to DS1 as 'step' or 'child from previous relationship' and I'm wondering why. What right do the grandparents have to publically differentiate between children when the parents don't? Why should their personal feelings be allowed to undermine the dynamics of the OPs family?

The feelings of the grandparents on this issue are far less important than those of the parents and siblings, and to but it bluntly they should know their place on this and be glad to have a relationship with ALL of their son's family. If they are unable to do this then it is quite right for the OP's entire family to distance themselves from them, including the biological grandchildren. Good relationships between siblings and a child's sense of security and belonging should never be sacrificed for a grandparent's ego.

What a cruel woman

I have 3 bio dgc and 6 sdgc and I would never ever make a difference between them.I tell people I have 9 dgc.I spend equal amounts on them and I have a very precious relationship with one sgd and am close to all of them.We live near my dd and I 'mind' her two every week so because of that I am closer to them.When my dgd asked what was a 'step' dgc I told her they were gdc of my heart and that is truly what I feel.Your m-i-l needs a kick up the bum[sorry].

Of course the MILs behaviour is unacceptable, especially since she has known DS1 since he was a baby.

My BIL re-married a few years ago and his new wife had a DS from a previous relationship - much older than OPs DS though as he was nearly 12 when they met. Since then they have gone on to have other DCs together. However, the PILs completely accept their DS1 as their own GDC and have a great relationship with him. They make sure they have one-to-one time with him as well as seeing him with the rest of the family and he is included in the will just the same as the other GDCs.

Thought I'd come back and update this as DH finally got a chance to discuss the issue with MIL over the weekend. Her guest extended their stay.

We decided he should do it as don't need any more tension between she and I and it seemed a more powerful/forceful message coming from him.

As I expected she just denied everything - said "I'm not like that", and claimed language differences which is SUCH bollocks as the friend has good english and having spent time with them during their trip they were perfectly able to discuss children, paternity etc.

DH made the point that DS1 is his son, equal to the other DCs and that DH considers him his eldest. He said he was concerned that DS1 might pick up on it this coming weekend (the big party), if he has been presented differently (to give MIL a chance to make sure the adult guests are on the same page). She dismissed it all and closed the conversation down completely.

He didn't push it, which makes me a bit but to be fair (which is hard), I've seen what she's like when she feels got at and there probably wouldn't've been much point going on.

Not the resolution I was hoping for, but then again that was never likely.

On the plus side, DH is now going to be very attuned to these potential slights I've been second-guessing myself about and I'm hopeful that things will be more equal going forwards. We're certainly united on what to do if there's any more of this nonsense.

Thankyou so much for the comments.

Thought I'd come back and update this as DH finally got a chance to discuss the issue with MIL over the weekend. Her guest extended their stay.

We decided he should do it as don't need any more tension between she and I and it seemed a more powerful/forceful message coming from him.

As I expected she just denied everything - said "I'm not like that", and claimed language differences which is SUCH bollocks as the friend has good english and having spent time with them during their trip they were perfectly able to discuss children, paternity etc.

DH made the point that DS1 is his son, equal to the other DCs and that DH considers him his eldest. He said he was concerned that DS1 might pick up on it this coming weekend (the big party), if he has been presented differently (to give MIL a chance to make sure the adult guests are on the same page). She dismissed it all and closed the conversation down completely.

He didn't push it, which makes me a bit but to be fair (which is hard), I've seen what she's like when she feels got at and there probably wouldn't've been much point going on.

Not the resolution I was hoping for, but then again that was never likely.

On the plus side, DH is now going to be very attuned to these potential slights I've been second-guessing myself about and I'm hopeful that things will be more equal going forwards. We're certainly united on what to do if there's any more of this nonsense.

Thankyou so much for the comments.

Oh flick that is so sad. Good on your DH for being happy to back away from those people. I hope mine is the same if it comes to it. And god, your poor DS, I'd be fuming too. Ridiculous.

Sorry to hear that you haven't managed to resolve the issue with your MIL yet but glad that you and your DH are working together to protect your DS1 from this.

Although your MIL dismissed what your DH said and shut down the conversation it doesn't necessarily mean that she hasn't taken on board what he said - no-one likes admitting that they're wrong. She's at least aware now of how her behaviour is appearing to you so she may manage to change how she is outwardly with your DS1 (if not how she feels about him) even if she never acknowledges that there was a difference in the way she treated him over her other GC.

I hope things work out for you!

Ignoring, that's a really good point. I'm one for big cathartic talking-it-outs but I like what you're saying and I'm going to reserve judgement and see if her behaviour changes. Thankyou, I feel much brighter now.

What strange behaviour, seems very nasty and hypocritical to me. What if your DS1 was an adopted child, would she be the same, do you think? Surely there's more to being a family than everyone being biologically related?

I know people can't help the way they feel, but no excuse for things like sending presents to two of the children and leaving one out, leaving his name off the Christmas card, pretending to friends that they only have 2 grandchildren etc . What a horrible way to behave towards a little boy. It's not his fault he has the 'wrong' father (in their view)!

Thanks for updating Branstone . At least you talked to her about it, and she is aware if her behaviour. Yes it's good that you both are present g a united front. Not everybody likes to hear the truth and can handle it, I hope that she takes on board and starts treAtng your ds with respect

My bil and sil are like this towards ds. They go overboard with praise and attention for dd, ds gets told "alright, monster" by way of greeting and no more is asked of him. Sil told dh's uncle "don't have Celia's ds in the house" as apparently, ds once drew on her wall with a pencil when he was 2.

No, no flick your comment is really helpful. I feel - not 'better', but it does help to know others have been through this and how they handled it. I've been guilty of overlooking stuff to 'keep the peace' and I regret that now, so it helps to see other (better!), ways of tackling this sort of issue.

Ephiny the hypocrisy is the bit which really boggles me. She has two kids by two different dads and raised them with a third man and has spoken in the past about how hurtful her mother's occasional comments were (this is the mother who left DS1 off the card), so you think she'd have more of a clue.

A child by adoption would be 'different' as it would've been adopted by DH and I together, apparently MIL is pretty obsessed by family resemblances though, especially hints of DH's bio father.

piglet yes I hope so. It's been raised now, at least, so it'll be easier to raise again, maybe?

Celia oh my god that is awful. I am so for your DS. What a shame - and what horrible people! God it sucks to be related to wankers, doesn't it. What would she say if your DD drew on her wall? Prob. nothing. Ugh.

The hypocrisy is really strange. Maybe she feels in some way that you should 'suffer' the same way she did for doing a similar thing, doesn't like to see you 'getting away with it'?

That's interesting, she has made some really horrible comments in the past - about how 'clever' I was to have kids with people who had reasonable salaries. Certainly her life with two young DCs was a struggle, she barely saw them as she was working f/t. Perhaps she is envious on some level though I'm not sure how that would make her change towards DS1