to be cross with MIL for not including DS1 in our family?

[branstonsandcheese]

Am properly gutted about this.

DH and I got together when DS1 was just a few months old - we'd been friends for years before that. DH's family were very welcoming - his mother was a single parent back in the 70s (DH and BIL have different dads and FIL is their stepfather, no kids with MIL), and went overboard buying DS presents etc. He was always included. His bio father isn't around - DH is daddy, MIL and FIL are granny and grandpa. DH considers DS1 his and will say he has 3 kids without hesitation.

DS1 is now 10. DH and I subsequently had two more DCs who are much younger (4 and 3). We noticed that DH's extended family (his uncle, his grandma), treated the younger DCs differently. For example, they send the younger DCs xmas and birthday cards but not DS1. Last year, DH's grandma sent the younger DCs xmas presents and left DS1 out. Our family xmas card was 'to Mr and Mrs DH (not my surname), DC2 and 3' - no mention of DS1.

Now that really upset me, actually, but I made allowances - DH's grandma is elderly and I'm sure things were different In Her Day. We see DH's uncle rarely enough that "my first great-nephew" comments can go overlooked. If DS1 has noticed that his siblings get much better/more presents from these people than he does he hasn't said anything (bless him).

MIL and FIL have always, I thought, made an effort to treat them equally. But things did change when the younger DCs were born. DC2 looks a lot like DH did when he was a baby and MIL made a huge deal about that to her long-term friends. I can understand that and it was an uncanny likeness.

MIL and FIL also told DS1 off quite a lot when he was being rambunctious around the younger ones when they were babies - but I could never be sure if it was unnecessarily so or I was being paranoid.

MIL works in Japan a lot and has made some friends there. A couple of these friends are in the UK at the moment and we went to meet them for lunch on Monday - they are staying with MIL and FIL down the road from us. MIL said (DH has some Japanese), that 'DH's oldest son looks just like he did when he was a baby', and DH interjected with 'no, my oldest son looks just like branston, DC2 looks like I did' - this caused some awkwardness as the guests had brought presents (as is the custom), but only for the family members they knew about. MIL was furious at DH for making her friend feel awkward, though that wasn't his intention and she hadn't told us she'd left DS1 out of her family.

DH and I talked about it later and he said that he'd previously heard MIL referring to DS1 as 'branston's child from a previous relationship' and 'my step-grandchild' - I feel so sad for DS1 because he considers himself to be their equal grandchild and, after all, has known them for much longer than the younger DCs have.

AIBU?

DH totally agrees we need to talk to MIL about it. In fact he was saying we should do it this evening but MIL's friends are still here and we don't want to set her off on a defensive sulk in front of them. He has suggested we do it on Tuesday, after they've gone and just before the ILs head off on holiday for a week (so if there is stewing and sulking it's done away from us).

Sounds sensible. I would just keep very calm and put the ball in their court to start-say you were shocked that the Japanese friends thought you were a family of 4-why did they think this
See what they say. I would ask them how they would like to be a second class citizen in their own family?

If they don't feel guilty and remorseful I would make it clear-if the DCs are not treated equally in terms of treats, presents and place in the family then you will have to make it so by accepting nothing for DC2&3.

You and your DH have clearly worked hard to create a loving family unit where all the children are equal, and that's something to be applauded. His parents should be supporting and respecting this, not undermining it! What gives them the right to treat your DS1 like this? My grandparents had no experience of step families but they always tried so hard to treat us all the same, I cannot believe your MILs attitude, especially given her own history.

"DH and I talked about it later and he said that he'd previously heard MIL referring to DS1 as 'branston's child from a previous relationship' and 'my step-grandchild' "

But it´s true, isn´t it?

TBH, it sounds as if most /all of the time your oldest is treated very well by MIL/FIL.

It does seem odd that she didn´t tell her Japanese friends though.

But diddl, the OPs DH sees the child as his own and makes no distinction. The grandparents have got no right to go against that and create differences between the children that the parents don't have. Even if they don't feel the same about them all, they are adults and surely capable of behaving in a manner that doesn't leave a ten year old child noticing how differently he is being treated. They took on the committment and insisted he call them grandma etc, so they have an obligation to follow that through and not suddenly lose interest because some biological children come along.

Yes diddl of course it's true, but she took on the role of grandma (not step-grandma, not my-son's-wife's-child), insisted DS1 call her and FIL grandma/grandpa, made a big deal about him being their GC. If she feels differently now she has genetic GCs then that's one thing and I accept I can't make her feel differently, but the genetic DCs didn't come along for 6 years and she should (IMO), stick to saying DS1 is her grandson and be consistent. If DH heard her say those things there's a chance DS1 could've too, certainly if she's going to continue leaving him out of the family as time goes on. It's just luck that we met the Japanese friends for lunch and not dinner with all the DCs. And we were able to give DS1 the gift meant for me (a t-shirt), so it wasn't obvious his siblings had a gift from Japan and he didn't.

We've not made an issue of the unequal treatment of DS1 by other members of the family but if MIL is leaving DS1 out - and she's known these people for years, there's no reason not to mention him - then that IS going to come through in her behaviour if it isn't already.

FIL only met DH when DH was in his mid/late teens and I think he has even LESS reason to treat the DCs differently.

Your MIL behaviour is unacceptable. Step grandchild it otherwise he is still a part of the family and she has to include him. You been far too forgiving I would have nipped this in the bud earlier. You both need to sit down with MIL and talk to her and issue an ultimatum of less contact with her gc if this carries on

But it sounds to me as if they do treat the oldest the same as the others, but for some reason she feels the need to explain that he is not her son´s biological child.

Perhaps she always did this, though?

It's not true. Her son sees this boy as his son, and she had encouraged the child to see her as his Granny.

To suddenly change that to step-grandson and "son from a previous relationship" is cruel.

To have failed to mention this boy to old friends over many years, when they had been filled in on the rest of the family is appalling.

She really sounds like a piece of work.

How could anyone treat a child they've known since they were a baby as a footnote, an aside. :( awful

Well no, she hasn't mentioned DS1 to some people at all, clearly. Way back in the early days when DH and I first got together, she referred to DS1 as her grandson (no disclaimer), to all and sundry. I haven't been around when she's discussed them otherwise as we met most people back then.

I don't want the 20th anniversary party to happen (there will be 'new' people there), and people to be unaware who DS1 is or for DS1 to be surprised to be referred to as a step-grandson or my son from a previous relationship. That is NOT how he is used to being referred to, it's not how DH considers him, it's not how DS1 considers himself and I never thought it was how the ILs considered him either. I think they need to stick to calling him their GC.

Kids notice this stuff.

Absolute arsey bumfuckers

kill them

No she does not diddle . Excluding him from conversations and greetings cards whereas the others are included is NOT treating him equally. She is treating him like an outsider and it's unacceptable

Your poor DS1.

Good plan to speak to your mil before their holiday so they have time to think about it.

Your dh should stress that he is not doing this for you or for his DS but for himself. His mother is denying the existence (or at least playing it down) of his eldest son. It must be terribly hurtful for him.

I´ve obviously misread as I thought it was other relatives who were excluding him.

They're not treating him the same, they're boasting about the other two to their friends and not mentioning ds1's existence.

If they're going to make a difference over ds1, then all your children will need to stop calling FIL Grandpa, for the exact same reason. If ds1 is merely a "step-grandchild" then FIL is "Grandma's husband" isn't he? Ask them how they would feel about that.

Tell it to them straight. If they go off in a sulk then you can wait for them to get over it, can't you?

Not mentioning him to her long time Japanese friends who only bought unintentionally gifts for 4 family members instead of 5 is horrid what a cowbag

poor little boy. Your MIL and her family are very rude. Fancy being more concerned about the feelings of her friends than her grandchild - sounds like she was embarrassed at her bad manners being revealed.

Your plan to talk to them on Tuesday sounds like a good one. Definately stick to it.

Your MIL has behaved disgustingly. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and think of it from her pov though, and if I'm truly honest, I think if my ds's ever come to be in your dh'd position, I probably would love my biological grandchildren just that little bit more than my step grandchild. I know that sounds horrible, but I'm being honest!

BUT, I would never, never show it, I would go out of my way to never make any grandchild of mine feel the way your poor ds probably does. I would battle with that feeling myself, and on the outside I would have no hestiation in saying I had three gc. Obviously old, close friends would know that one wasn't genetically linked, but for new friends, there would be no need for newer friends to know. It would just be a non issue really.

I think when you talk to her you need to be very firm in saying that your children come together as a sibling unit. She treats them all equally, or she loses them all. After all, their bonds with eachother should be stronger than that with their GP's.

It's something you do to someone you really don't like

She is right, he isn't her grandchild. I think the problem is she was interested when he was a baby as she didn't have any grandchildren. Now she does she feels a difference which is only natural. She shouldn't exclude him but I do think it's asking a lot for her to feel the same now she has biological grnadchildren tbh.

yanbu, hope your son isn't hurt by it

bubblecoral I totally hear what you're saying. When MIL came to see DC3 in hospital after the birth, I remember very well her saying that he had long toes just like DH's biological father (sad story there), and she teared up. I actually felt a huge wave of love and compassion for her. And I'm sure it's very bonding that DC2 looks so much like DH did as a child. I'm not saying she should love them equally if she doesn't, if it's different it's different and I can't dictate her feelings.

But as you say, she should ACT like she feels the same. There's no harm in saying DC2 looks just like DH or that DC3 has long toes like his bio grandfather or that DS1 has my long fingers (we also tell him what features of his are like his bio father's, incidentally, who he resembles very closely, and what aspects of his personality he has from DH - he definitely has some traits, nature/nurture debate there). That's fine. I just can't understand leaving him out when discussing family. It's not even like they knew about him, he wasn't mentioned AT ALL. There is no reason to do that. She'd've had to have made an effort to exclude him, almost, as I know she's shown these people lots of family photographs etc. MorallyBankrupt does that make sense to you, too? I'm not saying she has to feel the same about the DCs, but she should act like she does. I truly do believe that.

I would hate DS1 to feel any resentment towards the younger ones about all this. Increasingly I am thinking we should've addressed DH's grandma's weirdo card/birthday thing too - it was just last year that we got the bizarro xmas card (it was addressed to Mr and Mrs Dear Husband, [as in I was Mrs Dear Husband not even Mrs Branston Husband - she knows I go by Ms Branstonsandcheese in normal life too], DC2 and DC2 - why not just put 'The Husband Family'?!), and we put it down to old person weirdness but should've said something, clearly. Didn't want to piss off MIL by potentially upsetting her mum though (MIL is very protective and that's fair enough).

Whatever she 'feels', it is not something she should ever, ever make apparent to anyone else. The way your DH's family has treated your DS1 is appalling and you're not remotely over-reacting

It's not asking much for her to keep feelings to herself and to show basic manners and human kindness