to be cross with MIL for not including DS1 in our family?

[branstonsandcheese]

Am properly gutted about this.

DH and I got together when DS1 was just a few months old - we'd been friends for years before that. DH's family were very welcoming - his mother was a single parent back in the 70s (DH and BIL have different dads and FIL is their stepfather, no kids with MIL), and went overboard buying DS presents etc. He was always included. His bio father isn't around - DH is daddy, MIL and FIL are granny and grandpa. DH considers DS1 his and will say he has 3 kids without hesitation.

DS1 is now 10. DH and I subsequently had two more DCs who are much younger (4 and 3). We noticed that DH's extended family (his uncle, his grandma), treated the younger DCs differently. For example, they send the younger DCs xmas and birthday cards but not DS1. Last year, DH's grandma sent the younger DCs xmas presents and left DS1 out. Our family xmas card was 'to Mr and Mrs DH (not my surname), DC2 and 3' - no mention of DS1.

Now that really upset me, actually, but I made allowances - DH's grandma is elderly and I'm sure things were different In Her Day. We see DH's uncle rarely enough that "my first great-nephew" comments can go overlooked. If DS1 has noticed that his siblings get much better/more presents from these people than he does he hasn't said anything (bless him).

MIL and FIL have always, I thought, made an effort to treat them equally. But things did change when the younger DCs were born. DC2 looks a lot like DH did when he was a baby and MIL made a huge deal about that to her long-term friends. I can understand that and it was an uncanny likeness.

MIL and FIL also told DS1 off quite a lot when he was being rambunctious around the younger ones when they were babies - but I could never be sure if it was unnecessarily so or I was being paranoid.

MIL works in Japan a lot and has made some friends there. A couple of these friends are in the UK at the moment and we went to meet them for lunch on Monday - they are staying with MIL and FIL down the road from us. MIL said (DH has some Japanese), that 'DH's oldest son looks just like he did when he was a baby', and DH interjected with 'no, my oldest son looks just like branston, DC2 looks like I did' - this caused some awkwardness as the guests had brought presents (as is the custom), but only for the family members they knew about. MIL was furious at DH for making her friend feel awkward, though that wasn't his intention and she hadn't told us she'd left DS1 out of her family.

DH and I talked about it later and he said that he'd previously heard MIL referring to DS1 as 'branston's child from a previous relationship' and 'my step-grandchild' - I feel so sad for DS1 because he considers himself to be their equal grandchild and, after all, has known them for much longer than the younger DCs have.

AIBU?

I agree that she should not exclude him at all. I just think that saying step grandchild is fine, I don't think that alone is nasty.

She shouldn't exclude him but I do think it's asking a lot for her to feel the same now she has biological grnadchildren tbh

I don't think so. Maybe she doesn't feel the same but she needs to act the same and never, ever let any of them know. If I had thought that my DH's family were not going to accept him equally I wouldn't have gone on to have more DCs. I couldn't have a situation where I had 3 DCs and one was 'second class'.

Morally, I disagree - if DH had 'realised' once the younger DCs were born that he felt differently about them than he did about DS1, should he have started calling DS1 his stepson? DS1 learned to talk calling MIL and FIL granny and grandpa, they called him their grandchild, I don't think they should change that now and especially not in the hearing of anyone who could be directly affected by it!

But I am properly outraged and I do accept others feel differently.

I think your MIL is being extremely cruel. I understand that she may feel differently about her biological GC, but she was the one who made the decision to accept your DS1 as her GC and it is just not fair to change that now that six years have passed by. Your DS1 is not a plaything, to be picked up and used until something 'better' comes along. He has feelings, as do you and your DH. It would have been hard for you all if she had not been so accepting at the start, but at least your DS1 wouldn't have to cope with being suddenly made to feel less than second best. Because, even second best would normally rate a mention to friends.

You are correct when you say that your MIL and FIL are being hypocritical, because of the way they insisted on equal treatment of her children, even though, in some people's eyes, they may not have been equal. I really think you have to put it to them that you are a family unit, you come as a package and thet included DS1, on equal footing to his siblings. If they are unable to accept that and agree to it, I would be calling our whole relationship into question.

I speak as someone who had a Step-dad who always, without fail, treated me and my DSis as equal to his bio children, as did DSD's parents. And if anything, there was actually a much stronger bond between my DSD and my children and my DSis' children, than he ever had with his bio GC. If anyone EVER questioned him when he referred to them as his grandchildren, he very soon put them straight.

It takes a very special person to decide tobe a grandparent, rather than to just become one by an accident of birth. My DSD and his parents were obviously very special. Maybe your Ils are not.

I think that even saying 'step grandson' is unnecessary. My DH always says he has 3 DSs and he says my eldest, he never says 'm'y step son. I expect he might if he had to officially, but not for friends, family and acquaintances.

3 DSs are biologically mine-no one is allowed to treat them differently.

My mother has always regarded my brother's stepdaughter exactly the same as all her other grandchildren. She has been quite offended at comments from an elderly family member that "she's not your blood" or "not really a grandchild"

Stick to being outraged-other people are wrong! Don't let them tell you otherwise. Sayithowitis is correct, it takes a special person to be a grandparent rather than a mere accident of birth-put it to PIL.

I think you, or rather DH needs to talk to them. I say Dh because they wont take it as hysterical mother from them iykwim.

They are being hypocritical and they do need it pointing out. Some people are just like that thou, my brother is my half brother in reality but its never been an issue even with catholic side, even with my granny having alzhemiers and hating her other (bio) grandchildren these days she still likes my bro.I think what has been posted is right, if they cant accept that what they are doing is unfair, distancing might be an idea so DS1 doesnt start to feel like an outcast.

No, I really do agree she should treat them the same! I just think that referring to him as her step grandchild to a friend is fine. Maybe she was just worried that if he looks a lot like his Dad and not her son people might think you'd had an affair and she didn't want your honour being questioned....

My late mother's parents welcomed my sister as a grandchild with open arms, even though she was the offspring of my father and his new wife, and technically nothing to do with them. They accepted her because they were kind people who recognised that she was their grandchildren's sibling, even though they were grieving for their daughter and having to deal with a new woman now raising their daughter's children. I am sure that they had doubts and reservations, but they never let it show and my sister grew up calling them 'nanna' and 'papa' just the same as we did, and she got the same birthday cards, money, christmas presents as the rest of us did and they also had a picture of her on their living room wall with the rest of their grandchildren.

It is only as an adult that I can now truly appreciate what a wonderful thing they did, and I think those posters who say it takes a special person to chose to be a grandparent are right.

Your DH needs to talk to them. It doesn't have to be cnfrintational. He can explain that he is Daddy to all your children, yu are alone family, and it is his way of parenting to include all children equally - so he would like them to demonstrate that they also support his family and children. he can tell the it's understandable to have some feelings that are diffent beuse of the genetic link to him, and that must make them remember him as a baby etc, but this is the here and now, and all children are 100% family.

I don't really buy all this "genetic link" bollocks.

Is it understandable for grandparents to love their grandchildren less if they are adopted?

Not to most people.

This boy has been adopted (not in the legal sense, but in the older sense of "taken on as family") by the man he calls Dad, the man who calls him son.

It is not genetics that make a family, it's love and belonging.

To be unable to extend that love to anyone except your biological kin shows an unpleasant coldness of personality.

To extend it to a child, and then withdraw it, is emotional cruelty.

I agree. I don't get at all why a grandparent should love a genetic grandchild more if they have known them all since they were babies. It is indeed uncomfortably close to suggeting that adopted children should be less loved.

Has your DH adopted him? I was adopted by my dad after he married my mum. It was a big thing for me, even at 4. Important.

Threads like this make me both a little bit sad and enormously grateful for my own fabulous family.

What your MIL is doing very nasty and cruel. To play with your ds emotions and feelings like that in such a nasty way. To deliberately exclude him from the family and pretend that he does not exist. Noway would I put up with that, you do need to have firm words with her, and say that you will withdraw contact between her grandchildren if she does not get her act together. Don't stand for it anymore!

YANBU. I totally agree that it is potentially damaging to change behaviour in this way towards a child and agree with OP and other posters about addressing it with MIL and FIL BUT...

..bit concerned about suggestions of withdrawing or cutting off contact or using this as an ultimatum. You all stand to lose good relationships that way and I can't see what could be gained.

Also (not instead of addressing this with MIL and FIL), but given that this is likely to happen more as DS1 gets older and encounters more people who may assume he has a different status to his siblings, would it be worth having some relaxed conversations with him at appropriate moments about how some people view families in different ways etc. so that he has some tools for dealing with it and understands that it need not be personal if he notices some people sideline him? (maybe to reserve for when he's older or you know he is noticing...?)

Of course it's personal if people sideline him because if his parentage.

No way should they be teaching him to accept being put down like that.

There can be no relationship worth having with the kind of person who would treat a child like this. If a stern talking to doesn't bring forth an abject apology and shame at how she's treated a child she encouraged to love and trust her, she's not fit to be around children. She's poison.

Keep us updated

Thanks so much guys. It has really helped to be able to get your perspectives. I'll be along with an update when we've spoken to MIL - I'm not expecting her to take it very well though.

That is TSC some people are just plain nasty.

Well branston so what! She needs to know how nasty and cruel she is being towards your DS1, what about his feelings

I wasn't suggesting he be taught to accept being put down; the opposite really. It just seems, unfortunately, unlikely that the OP and her DH will always be able to protect him as well as they have done so far and that giving him some ways of understanding the situation (i.e. some people don't get that families are about love and belonging and that's sad for them etc.) might help him rather than him internalising it all as meaning he must be a second rate kid in some way.

I'm not as confident as some other posters that MIL is being knowingly cruel, even though there's no doubt that her actions are cruel. The Op hasn't attempted to make her feelings known yet so I think it's worth giving that a try before threatening to cut all three children off from their GPs when it sounds like they all love their GPs.

How strange, though - of your MIL. Honestly, she is sooo much on dodgy ground here, with her OWN family history. How can she possibly set any store by 'genetic links'?

Seriously, the first thing I'd do is get DH to point out to her that as she seems to have suddenly decided that genetics is so important, let's get it right for everybody, shall we? So FIL is of course no longer Grandad - to anyone. Cards from now on will be addressed to Granny and Step-Grandad. FIL also isn't Dad any more either, of course. Oh, and DH and his brother - 'in future, Mum, do you think you'd mind making sure you say 'your half-brother' when talking about X to me? Just to get it right ...

She will be hurt and angry and upset and most probably start a tirade on how that's a cruel way to think, that it's love that matters, and upbringing, and closeness. And you should let her rant, and then quietly remind her that yes that is what it's about. And get your DH to tell her in no uncertain terms that, in exactly the same way that she sees her husband as his dad, he too sees DS1 as his son. And that's where his primary loyalties lie, so she'd better decide whether she wants to be part of a happy blended family, just like the one she so bravely created herself, or start alienating both herself and FIL from the next generation.