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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to focus on sex all the time?

101 replies

LoweredBrows · 22/06/2011 13:29

I suppose he's just like most men really but DP seems to focus on sex all the time. We don't live together and he seems to think that everytime we do see each other we need to be straight up to the bedroom.

I was talking to him on facebook last night and he started on about sex again. I changed the subject, started talking about cooking (we both enjoy cooking so it's not a girly topic to us) and he started saying I could work off what I've eaten on thursday (when he comes to my house) Hmm it's like everything comes back down to sex. I changed the subject again and every few minutes he sent me pictures of slutty outfits on ebay that he wants to buy me. It must have been pretty obvious I didn't want to talk about sex etc last night since I changed the subject EVERY time??

I'm starting to feel a bit like my main function for him is sex. AIBU?

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 22/06/2011 14:42

You will not be the bad guy if you end it.

Look, decent people don't like hurting people's feelings. That's natural.

But you cannot stay with him out of guilt. He's a grown man, he will deal with it.

If he didn't want his feelings hurt, he should have treated you better, not just sometimes but all the time.

You know you need to do this. Catsmother is right, his ten-year-plan is a prison sentence. Nothing obliges you to stay with him. Go, be happy!

Pumpernickel10 · 22/06/2011 14:42

Yes I am being harsh op the reason why is many years ago I was where you are now,I loved him he did not love me,he saw me for sex only,everytime I ended it he would say I do love you,I was used for 18 months.
I should not have called you stupid,I do apologise for that,I just can't see a happy ending for you,I went through hell with him and as a mother and a woman I don't want you to go through this.

drivemecrazy63 · 22/06/2011 14:42

oops that long not fat Blush

Pumpernickel10 · 22/06/2011 14:44

And op there are plenty of decent men out there,I did not want to believe that either,but there are, not long after I met my DH,so there are happy endings.
Can I ask how is he with your DC?

KilledBill · 22/06/2011 14:45

Lowered - im sorry to break this to you, but this is a sex only arrangement. You may see it as a relationship, but to him you are sex buddies.

How did the relationship start? Was it a sex only thing and youve assumed it had moved to boyfriend girlfriend? Him not allowing you to his house is a big warning signal.

If you are happy with a sex arrangement thats one thing, but clearly you think this is something else. As for the "holiday account" did you ever see any evidence of this? or actually go on holiday?

Lots of men do this. Some women are happy to do this. But if you arnt, you need to end it. And do some serious digging because it would'nt suprise me if your "boyfriend" is married.

Original poster
LoweredBrows · 22/06/2011 14:45

Sorry you went through it pumpernickle, I'm not usually so touchy - just the "stupid" word is the one guaranteed to flick my switch Blush and I do appreciate your concern, even if it seems that I'm not listening, I am. Just they do such a bloody good job of saying the right things at the right times that although I want to end it today, when I see him tomorow he'll say all the right stuff again and I'll be back to thinking "actually, he isn't so bad".

OP posts:
Ephiny · 22/06/2011 14:47

I had a similar relationship when I was younger - in my defence I was 19, had never had a proper boyfriend before, and didn't know any better. I can't get over how lucky I am now to a partner who seems to actually love and respect me, and enjoy my company, and want to share his life with me.

I agree with others that he's trying compartmentalise his life, and he's telling you very clearly that you belong in the compartment marked 'sex', to be taken out and used when he's in the mood, and ignored/excluded otherwise. Sorry if it's harsh but from what you've said I'm afraid that's the truth. Like I said, I have been there.

Pumpernickel10 · 22/06/2011 14:47

I let mine go on for 18 months because I thought I could change him,I was deluded. Everyone told me to end it,but he was like a drug,I was addicted.
I look back now 15 years later and I shudder to think how it happened.

NorksAkimbo · 22/06/2011 14:49

"He's a great guy, BUT"
I'm sorry, but anytime that sentence is uttered, it rings every alarm bell in my head. I dated lots of guys who were 'great, if it weren't for...'. Then I met DH, who is just a great guy, full stop. It means something!!

Hammy02 · 22/06/2011 14:49

I went out with someone similar when I was younger. He was with me for sex. He did/said enough to make me think he wasn't just after me for one thing. We went on holidays, he sent me little cards etc but deep down I knew that if we didn't have sex for a week or so, he'd soon lose interest. Obviously it shouldn't be like that.

drivemecrazy63 · 22/06/2011 14:50

well they do do that but thats how the 10y will pass and you miss out on a real relationship with a wonderful man who loves you and your dc and treats you as a partner at the moment the partnerships a little one sided its all take and no give and these men have this writen through them like a stick of seaside rock you cant change him he is what he is

Ragwort · 22/06/2011 14:50

But what exactly is stopping you from ending it - if, as you say, his favoured method of communciation is via FB and text you can just tell him that way - if he objects to the 'way' in which you end it just remind him that he is the one who doesn't like 'talking'.

When had you planned to next see him - was it for sex lunch tomorrow? Suggest you meet in the restaurant (ie: not for sex 'first'); if he won't meet in the restaurant then it is obvious he only wants you for sex.

I can't understand why you would want to be with this man - surely you value yourself more. Do you have a daughter, how would you feel if she let someone treat her like this.

Ephiny · 22/06/2011 14:51

That's the thing, pumpernickel - I didn't listen to anyone at the time either, though looking back I can't believe how stupid I was - I think this is something the OP is going to have to learn the hard way and work out for herself :(

Original poster
LoweredBrows · 22/06/2011 14:52

See deep down I know he's only with me because his brief attempts at luring someone else didn't work. I also know that he's only with me because he can't be arsed to put the effort into dating again. I know if ever someone better came along, he wouldn't think twice. I KNOW. God someone punch me.

OP posts:
girlscout · 22/06/2011 14:53

This is confusing-So you are not dependant/isolated , you came across like you are lonely middle aged housefrau tied to the house (appologies to all the housefraus )
with no other outlets.
That is sad, your situation is weird.
If you have friends and interesting plans for the future and you want this relationship then good. If not ,then you are in a great position to kick it into touch.
Good luck with what you decide, you are just going round and round,and I have to get out of the house!

Ragwort · 22/06/2011 14:57

Punch

Punch

Punch

Please end it and make all of us on this thread (and YOU) happy Grin.

Original poster
LoweredBrows · 22/06/2011 14:58

Grin thanks! now does anyone have a wet fish?

You know I'm quite intrigued to find out how soon after I end it will he start looking for someone else? last time it was within a week.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/06/2011 15:03

this guy is a L-O-S-E-R

can't you do better than this ?

you admit yourself he gives you a few nice words, a bit of choccy and a few pennies in a holiday fund and you think "wow, he is great after all"

he isn't great

he is crap, and an immature sex pest at that

buy him a FleshLight as a parting gift...that appears to be all you are worth to him

you shouldn't feel guilty for dumping an arsehole like this, save your self-flagellation for the time you have already wasted with him and the flannel you have persuaded yourself to believe

Lauzifer · 22/06/2011 15:16

op do yourself a big favour and get rid of this loser. Trust me i've been with someone just like this and my self respect and confidence shot up when i got rid. He's using you when he wants you, this isn't a loving two way relationship and it's not healthy for you.
You deserve to have someone who will respect you and treat you well. The longer you stay with someone like this the harder it will be to leave him and move on. It can be very scary to ditch someone and be single but honestly you'll look back and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 22/06/2011 15:32

penny drops

Is it you again - with the rabbit hobby and the Ex-DP who tried to woo a colleague by giving a pricey birthday present?

My apologies if you're not the same person, there are a lot of knobbers like your 'D'P around!

LadyThumb · 22/06/2011 15:34

"How soon after the baby can we have sex?"
"How soon after your op can we have sex?"
"Can we have sex while you're breastfeeding the baby?"

I put up with my husband for 5 years - EVERYTHING turned to sex, every conversation turned to sex, every other woman was remarked upon. I couldn't stand it so we divorced. Apparently he's still the same 20 years later!

Pumpernickel10 · 22/06/2011 15:54

So what if he meets someone after a week,least you'll have the grace to at least wait for someone special,someone that wants a life with you and your DC.
I wish someone would have punched me,but I doubt it would have made a blind bit of difference as I was so in love. You will get through this and you will look back in time and think " what the hell was I doing"

SagaciousCloud · 23/06/2011 06:49

I have a solution for you. Stop having sex with him for say 2 - 3 weeks. Then he'll dump you - job done.

JamieAgain · 23/06/2011 06:59

Eeeew. He sounds delightful. A horny 15 year old with Benny Hill tendencies.

shocked2 · 23/06/2011 07:15

Hi LoweredBrows
If your partner is not making you happy for all the above reasons, why is it so difficult to move on? You are not married, have children together, live in the same house etc.... none of the usual constraints which mean the rest of us have to give up our freedom and put up with situations which we don't necessarily like - you could be FREE AS A BIRD!!!! TAKE YOUR CHANCE!!!!!!
Basically, if your bloke does not make you happy ALL OF THE TIME - choose your own independence and own life over him.... Being on your own for a while might be FANTASTIC - you will grow and develop as a person and will be able to do what you want when you want - then at some point a lovely guy might come along, who respects the person you are.... I wish you the best of luck and sorry if I have projected some of my own fantasies into this post!