DH keeps spending. AIBU to be pissed off?

[Purplegirlie]

Have namechanged.

My DH has always been a bit of a spendthrift. We've never really had any savings as he spends everything. We have three children and I have always tried to budget. I meal plan each week. He then decides he doesn't fancy what we're having for tea and goes to the shop and spends £20. Some weeks we probably spend in excess of £80 over budget because of his spending. He won't save up to do things to the house, he just buys things regardless. He was obsessed with getting a new sofa and as soon as we'd paid off our existing one (which is fine) he ordered another one. He insisted on having our living room ceiling re-plastered without saving up for it, so now we are £500 down.

He does shooting and had an expensive gun. A few months ago he decided to buy another expensive gun and said he would sell his old one. He never sold it and has decided not to sell it even though he doesn't use it. He got a dog to take shooting recently and spent over £700 getting the dog, and equipment for it, and things like vaccinations.

The thing is, he doesn't earn enough to sustain this spending. We already got into lots of debt before because of his spending and we got straight about 2 years ago and now I am finding credit card bills that have been run up again. His job is temporary and he won't look for another job. He wants to earn lots of money (in his words) but won't do anything to achieve that. He has turned down 2 opportunities recently; one a permanent job and one to be a business partner in a friend's business (DH is in a trade and his trade would compliment his friend's trade). If I try to talk to him about getting another job or about our finances he either starts singing or does that type of talking people do when they're going off to sleep, with his eyes closed and all muttering and talking nonsense.

I work part time from home, but obviously the more we earn between us, the more he spends. It doesn't seem fair that I am shopping at Primark and charity shops for the kids and I, whilst he is spending hundreds of pounds on his hobbies, extra food from the shop, etc. Any money that I manage to get, he spends it. I made a couple of hundred quid doing boot sales with unwanted stuff we had, and he had mentally spent it before I'd got it, and sure enough it was spent straight away on stuff for decorating the living room. A family member gave me some money the other day to buy myself something to wear and DH straight away said "Oh you can put that in the spends pot in the kitchen", basically meaning I should spend it on milk, bread and school dinner money whilst he has a gun worth 1k sitting unused in his gun cabinet.

I think the problem is he has 2 friends that are also complete spendaholics. One spends regardless and has been made bankrupt before but he still spends and spends and just says he'll go bankrupt again one day. The other owns a business and probably earns a fair bit more than DH so obviously his spending power is going to be more. If he gets something, DH has to get it too.

AIBU to be highly pissed off?

Purple what was your DH like when you first got together? Is this a case that you have grown up and he hasnt? I'm not sure that you can MAKE someone grow up.

It does sound like an ultimatum is necessary. In your situation I would book the time with him. Take him through your financial situation calmly and unemotionally. Show him where there is waste but not say 'this is where you are wasting money'. Use it also as an opportunity to check your own spending habits.

In the end if he wont engage or wont try to change then you have a simple choice. Stay with him (and risk being dragged down with him) or part (and risk him being unable to support your DCs financially). Simple but not a great choice.

This situation seriously needs to be taken in hand. Close the joint account! You do not want to be liable for his debts.

I would find it very hard to respect someone like that. I think this could end your relationship as he puts this before you and your dc. I would separate all money bar the bills and tell him you are preparing to be self sufficient if need be. He needs a wake up call like maybe losing you

I'm with noddy here. The second his spending started to mean the kids got clothes in Primark (and there's nothing wrong with that, we shop there, because we can't afford otherwise) and charity shops, our finances would have become completely separate, with one joint account for household expenses. Or that would have been the end.

Substitute in spending for alcohol, drugs or gambling and see how acceptable that sounds.

Been there. Had a fiance who was just the same - although we didn't have children. I set up a separate bank account into which all my money went, another bank account in my name that all the bills were paid out of, and into which he had to put his side of the bills. This was, I confess, a long term plan - I made him put more in than his side of the bills were, because he'd just spent three years spending my money - and after six months when I was on a more substantial financial footing, and could prove I could pay the mortgage, he got his marching orders.
Absolutely the best thing I ever did. People who have no financial responsibility or any desire to learn it deserve everything they get.
Hard, but I've had it with people who behave in that way (my brother is exactly the same, and I get so fed up of watching my elderly father get him out of his latest financial hole whilst I save like mad and wait for things rather than spend and worry about where it's coming from later.)

I know someone who does the exact same thing regarding expensive hobbies. He has a very good income and should be able to live a very comfortable life with money for hobbies etc.

Unfortunately it is never enough as he sees what other, far wealthier people have and he wants that too. His wife does the same. So when they wanted to take up sailing they had to have a bigger, better boat than anyone they know. And they can't afford to run it. When a friend got a Porsche, he had to have one too. And then they had to sell it cheap because they couldn't pay the rent on the massive house they had to have.

There is no telling them though. You can't make someone change their behaviour. You can only change your own.

This is such a difficult but not uncommon situation. I'm a nurse and work primarily with women, I hear this type of story time and again. I was married to a guy like this and this was what ended our marriage really. It was like being on a hideous rollercoaster ride but it got totally out of hand, masked by the fact he has his own business and wouldn't let me get involved at all, when the marriage was finally over and he had to declare his financial state he was over £130,000 in debt. Nightmare. I think these type of men have something missing in their brain. They are gamblers of a sort.

They don't have that safety mechanism that we have. I really feel for you as I know how stressful and unsettling it is when all you try and do is your best and he's pissing it up the wall (for want of a better phrase!) You have to get tough. Tell him how you feel. Get upset and angry and tell him what the consequenses could be if it continues. Be brave. Good luck x

Marking place... Will read later. Sounds like my dad (and my mum to a lesser extent) :(

whoatemysnickers gave you great advice until this bit:
"3. An account in joint names that an amount of money each month is paid into from account 1. You both have access to this account on the understanding that it is used for bills, food, clothes for children, dinner monies, school trips, household expenses, etc. If it isn't something that will benefit the family, then he doesn't spend from it, also with an agreement that any 'out of the ordinary' spending from this account, over say £50 is discussed first."

Don't do that. He will spend every penny he can lay his hands on. He absolutely will not care that it is for bills, food, dinner money - he has ALREADY PROVED THAT. He will spend from it and then expect you to produce the replacement money out of this air AS HE DOES NOW.

He is behaving like a child which sadly means you'll have to treat him like a child. You would'nt allow your DC's unlimited access to the family finances. He's the same.

Having said all that, I'm afraid I'd be gone by now. A man who sticks his fingers in his ears and lalala's when you try to tell him there is a problem - is not a man.

Leave him - he puts his own enjoyment over his own children. You buy you and the kids clothes from charity shops, whilst he spends hundreds on himself? That would be it for me, you would manage better on your own.

Mind you, I could not be with someone who gets his kicks from killing living things, I'd leave him for that alone..

The shooting is a sore point with me, Sparklycloud, but that would be a whole other thread...

Whoever said earlier in the thread that he wants to live a rich person's lifestyle with none of the work hit the nail on the head. All he does when he's home is complain about work, yet he won't apply for any other jobs, and won't try to further his career in any way, to therefore earn more so he can spend more. I've tried laying it on the line to him and saying "If you want to spend more then you need to earn more". I've said to him about taking his card off him but he wasn't keen on that at all, if I just take it then it will cause ructions in the relationship.

You already have ructions in the relationship because he is spending every penny you have and some that you don't have.

What is the difference between ructions over money and ructions over you removing his card?

Actually, there is a difference - in the latter scenario you have ructions but you still have money to pay your bills.

He really is trying to keep up with the 's isn't he? He does need to be made to see the potential gravity of he situation. When you try to talk to him about it, where is this taking place? Around the kitchen table etc? If so, I'd be tempted to get a babysitter, take him out and pin him down. I'd start by telling him that you need to talk seriously and if he intends to do the "lolling of the head" routine you will assume he has no respect for what you are about to say and will cut to the chase.

Be short, direct. As in, if his overspending continues it will have serious repercussions on the relationship to the extent that HE will leave you no choice but to leave etc etc etc.

It obviously needs spelling out to him in a different way from what you've tried so far.

Hope none of these credit cards or debts have your name on them, because then you are liable for them.

You're also enabling him. If he were an alcoholic, would you tell him you'd been given a case of wine? Then why tell him when people give you money to buy something to wear? Shopping in Primark whilst he spends? Not having separated out finances long ago so he spends whatever comes in.

You're worried about causing 'ructions'? You should be more worried about your creditors forcing you into bankrupcy or putting an attachment on your home - because they can - by staying with this immature loser.

You shouldn't give any regard to his feelings about having his card taken TBH. He is acting like a spoilt child and should be treated as such. You need to take charge.

I couldn't live with that TBH - it's not just about the money, it's the total lack of respect, he doesn't even seem to be thinking about his family at all. You all miss out while he lives the high life and he's not even funding it himself! This is what DH's exW did - spent loads of money on catalogue crap while DH worked 18hr shifts to make sure the DCs had enough to eat. When he finally g

Expat, he was actually with me at the time I was given the money, otherwise I wouldn't have told him. shakey, we're hopefully having an evening out next weekend so maybe I can talk to him then.

I get so annoyed that I'm expected to cut everything down the bare bones whilst he has that gun sat in a cupboard unused and worth a lot of money. He even moans at me on the one day a week I drive my eldest to school as she has to be in early for a club and would have to leave home at a silly hour to catch a bus to get there. It's only a 5 mile round trip yet apparently I'm "wasting fuel" and "doing silly unnecessary things" when i take her there.

'I get so annoyed that I'm expected to cut everything down the bare bones whilst he has that gun sat in a cupboard unused and worth a lot of money.'

Then sell it. He's out all day. Sell it and ship it out or arrange for collection whilst he's out.

Don't cut back.

take all the money from the joint account and pay it into yours and have the bills paid from there, excepting his credit card bills

when he goes to the shop, he wont at least be able to get any money from the bank account & when credit card isnt paid, he will not be able to spend on that either as they will stop it pretty sharpish

Do you really want to be with someone where you have to confiscate their cards? This is the sort of thing I have to do with ds and he is 17. It is a bit 'You have been naughty now no playstation this week!' He is a grown man with responsibilities and he needs to face those.

Sorry posted too soon

When DH finally got the strength to divorce her he discovered that all the debt was in his name, not hers. So he was the one who suffered, his credit rating has only just recovered over 10 years on. While paying it all off, he was obviously also paying loads in CSA, which she was spending on more crap and funding her own new catalogue debts. None of the money went on the DCs. We moved closer to them 3 years ago and took a big pay cut to do so - so we no longer pay CSA... this works out better as when we help out financially (quite a lot) we know his DCs get the benefit of it - we buy them clothes and school stuff, pay for school trips etc, rather than seeing the money go to Argos for yet another TV/computer/ornament etc.

Sorry for ranting but people like her, and your DH, are unlikely to change IME. It is just a fundamental selfishness, they put themselves first constantly. If they can't see that the DCs need food and basic clothing more than they need the latest gadget, then there is little hope. You NEED to sort this now.

I agree with cutting up ccards-although won´t he just apply for more?

Also, get your wages paid into your account, & when he is paid, transfer most to your account.

And tell him to get help.

And if he doesn´t want to, consider leaving for your sake & your childrens.

I just couldn´t respect anyone with his attitude & tbh wouldn´t want to be with them.

OP, what's more important to you in the long term - being with this man or securing your financial future?

Be honest - because you're being given very sensible, very obvious advice, but you're stating over and over that you 'can't do that because it will cause ructions in the relationship'.

If you're not prepared or able to rock the boat, then that's your choice but it means that nothing will change.

To solve this problem, accept now that you are going to cause ructions. He is going to be upset and sulky and unhappy. There are going to be rows and silences. It might even end your marriage, if he can't or won't change and you stick to your guns.

And, to some extent, his upset and grumpiness will be understandable - he's going to feel an awful pinch when you clip his wings andthat's not nice for anyone - but an adult, a man worth being you husband, will suck it up and move on, quickly.

Ultimately, though, the ball's in your court. Is this issue important enough to you to give him that kick, and take the risk, or is being with him the most important thing of all to you, beyond anything else?

Unless your husband is also violent or abusive in other ways, it's going to come down to you making that choice.

Woah!!! It's enough already!

No way should you put up with that. He's acting like a very irresponsible singleton!

You spend the money that you were given on a lovely new outfit (which is what it was intended for).

Time for a serious discussion. You really cannot go on like this...you have kids to support. He is being incredibly selfish...and from where I am sitting it looks as if you would be better off on your own. Hopefully that won't happen as you need help and support from your husband.

Time for action!

Has he always been like this or is it just the hobby?

I´m not sure how it works, but if he pays to go shooting-could he agree on a number of times?

Also with beer/takeaways-once a month or a set budget?

I haven´t even got a ccard as I´m too mean to pay the annual fee.