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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to take DS out of this preschool....

25 replies

coproxamol · 21/06/2011 22:11

and tell them he is not really ready and put him into another preschool without telling the 1st preschool that that is my plan?

OP posts:

worraliberty · 21/06/2011 22:12

Why would you?

Littlefish · 21/06/2011 22:13

Why don't you just tell them the real reason why you are moving him?

MumblingRagDoll · 21/06/2011 22:14

Well why would you not tell them? Why do you want to change?

FreudianSlipper · 21/06/2011 22:14

you do not have to give a reason if you are not happy with him being there, but if you feel more comfortable not telling them then lie

AgentZigzag · 21/06/2011 22:15

It's up to you what your DS does, you can take him to another nursery or whatever if you want.

But like littlefish says, why not tell them (and us) the real reason?

Original poster

coproxamol · 21/06/2011 22:25

OK, real reason is that, at committee meeting last night (whole story in itself), the "manager" said that one of the staff was not suitable for Deputy Manager position as she was (quote) "unhinged".
Not happy about this but as I am on the committee I don't want to remove DS on these grounds as this will more than likely cause a bad atmosphere.
Quite a few reasons for wanting to move him regarding this particular preschool, but, as I said, I am on the committee and so can see no way out.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 21/06/2011 22:28

I wouldn't care about what atmosphere it caused tbh, if you have information that one of the staff is not up to the job, definately don't send your DS in.

I moved my DD1 when she was at a pre-school because I wasn't happy, the nursery she went to was brilliant and I was really glad I did it.

You don't need to justify your choice to anyone.

Original poster

coproxamol · 21/06/2011 22:41

Thing is, DS has not been behaving very well atm. I have a meeting with manager tommorrow re this. I see this as my opportunity to say that DS is not ready, remove him then find a place somewhere else.
AINU in not telling them this?
Also means that I have to lie at committee meetings too
Does this make any sense?
DH says to just resign from committee, remove DS and go, but I hate confrontations and atmospheres.

OP posts:

AuntiePickleBottom · 21/06/2011 22:47

i agree with your DH

Original poster

coproxamol · 21/06/2011 22:56

Right, so if I take DS out of their preschool and enrol him another preschool, will the 1st preschool be informed of this?

OP posts:

thegruffalosma · 21/06/2011 23:00

Were you planning on staying on the committee even if your ds isn't at the school? I would just do as your dh says. Resign by email/letter if you don't like confrontation and pull them out. Doesn't really matter if the new pre-school informs the old one then. Are you sure you will have a place at the other school?

5ofus · 21/06/2011 23:01

Just quit the committee and remove your son from the pre-school. Why lie about it?

If you remove him from one, your next pre-school will want to have a handover of his learning journal and to have some information about him ideally. You could lie to them too - but it all seems so unnecessary to me.

AgentZigzag · 21/06/2011 23:05

I agree with your DH too.

We had problems that we had to involve the authorities with when we moved DD1 so they knew the reason, but I don't think there was any communication between the pre-school and the nursery, but the nursery did send a file of DD1s work to the school she eventually started at.

I think because they don't have to be there you can do and say what you please.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable just doing it, perhaps you could mumble something about personal cirumstances meaning you have to give up the committee? Even if they know it's not true, it's none of their business.

I would be concerned about the other children still going there though, it's not as though you can say anything to the other parents as it'd be seen as a witch hunt.

But a staff member being described as 'unhinged' by a manager means there's some serious unprofessional behaviour going on, be it from the staff member or the manager talking about the staff.

Original poster

coproxamol · 21/06/2011 23:09

Yes he has got a place, but even if he hadn't, I think I would rather keep him at home with me until he starts school, rather than leave him there.
Ever since this committe was formed, the whole place has turned into a viper's nest. Bitching, nasty remarks, etc. I just feel really uncomfortable.
One of the committee members resigned and her name has been mud ever since...so unfair.
I just want out now, but feel I have to lie for some reason.

OP posts:

Original poster

coproxamol · 21/06/2011 23:11

DH says I worry too much about what other people think of me. I suppose that's true, but is that wrong?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 21/06/2011 23:14

I agree with your husband too. If the decision is important to you, be honest about why you made it.

thegruffalosma · 21/06/2011 23:14

You could always say you don't think he's ready and keep him at home and for all they know you could change your mind. What are they going to do?

plonker · 21/06/2011 23:17

Ok, well firstly I strongly feel that if you feel that children in this preschool are 'at risk' in any way, you have a duty of care to report it (Ofsted/LA?)

Secondly, there could be other issues surrounding you just upping sticks and leaving:
Does your ds have a funded place at the preschool?
Is there a notice period in place?

Original poster

coproxamol · 21/06/2011 23:19

Yes, DS does have a funded place. Does this make any difference?
Notice period...I have no idea, shit!

OP posts:

DogsBestFriend · 21/06/2011 23:20

I'm another who agrees with your DH. Resign, remove DS and place him elsewhere. Your priority and loyalty lies with your son not nursery politics. You don't need to answer to anyone and if the pre-school is unprofessional enough to tell a meeting that they consider a staff member to be "unhinged" you've every reason to be concerned. If that staff member is indeed unhinged all the more reason for you to find another pre-school.

AFAIK pre-schools don't compare notes but so what if they do? Your DS comes first. It's purely down to you whether you chose to put your DS in pre-school at all.

DogsBestFriend · 21/06/2011 23:27

Surely if it's a funded place and there's a notice period required before you can transfer funds to another establishmet the worst that can happen is that you remove your DS and have to either keep him out of pre-school until that notice period has been served (ie that the current preschool gets their month or terms worth of money) before placing him elsewhere or, if you have to place him elsewhere because you need to use preschool in order to be able to work, you personally pay your new choice of pre-school's first month/term fees and then apply for funds thereafter.

AgentZigzag · 21/06/2011 23:29

I know what you mean about worrying what other people think of you, it's normal.

But when the motivation is your DS - it's totally different.

These are people who are bitching and slagging off a member who's left? They're just backing up the reason she left.

They don't sound to be people you need to worry about, if they're like that as the norm then everyone will know it's them and not you.

I would take it further for the DC that are left there with them though, if you feel able to, if it was my DD I'd want to know if stuff was going on.

plonker · 21/06/2011 23:30

"Yes, DS does have a funded place. Does this make any difference?"

Yes, it would make a difference in our LA.
You would need to contact your LA to see if makes a difference in yours.

Ask them what their policy on moving between settings is.

Here, straightforward 'late claims' aren't a problem (ie if your child hasn't been in attendance anywhere else) and children would be funded at the new setting. However, moving between settings is a different matter and is only granted if 'Exceptional Circumstances' apply.

If this is the case, then you would need to state why you are moving your child.
If you feel the nursery are being negligent in any way, you have a duty to inform Ofsted.

"Notice period...I have no idea, shit!"

You would also need to find this out.

It's usually part of your contract when you sign up and if you leave without giving a notice period, in most cases (where there aren't other allegations) you would be liable to pay back any monies.

5ofus · 22/06/2011 13:41

At our pre-school there is no notice period and a funded child takes their funding with them. Their new pre-school will invoice the old one for the funds. This happens here more than you think. It's slightly more complex as we're on SFF here but somehow each case works itself out.

Agree also if someone really is "unhinged" then you do have a duty to report it. Of course, it's perfectly likely that a personal disagreement has got out of control which you should bear in mind.

bubblecoral · 22/06/2011 14:03

Pre schools do talk to eachother, as 5ofus says, the new pre school could apply from the funding from the old one, and as pre schools are meant to share information to ensure the child recieves high quality care, a good nursery would get in touch with the old one anyway.

When your child gets a bit older, wouldn't they keep asking if he was ready yet? It seems a very complicated lie to start off, it's one of those that would just keep growing. You'd end up telling more lies to protect the old lie, and it would do your head in so much that you'd end up leaving the committee anyway.

Be honest. It might be the wake up call they need.

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