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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Sil does not like me?,and its become so awkward when we are in the same room,I have tried

28 replies

itry · 21/06/2011 19:40

so be nice,make an real effort with her but she does not like me.

At birthdays and xmas she asks Mil how much each kids present costs,and will ask why one was £1 more expensive than another childs.

She has questioned Mil about the exact times she has my children and when I should be back to collect them.

She once made sarky comments about a outfit I was wearing when we went out on a family meal,she generally grunts and looks me up and down when I see her.

I have never said anything as it would cause bad feeling,but we have been invited to a family function which I dont plan to take the kids and Mil insists,its a nightmare when they all get together and Fil lets us all know,and she becomes even worse.

We also plan to marry soon and I know it will be horrible infact,I dont know how to handle this.

Any advice on what you would do?.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 21/06/2011 19:42

Dont go to the family event, say she makes you feel too uncomfortable, alternatively ring the bitch and ask her what her problem is.

WorzselMummage · 21/06/2011 19:43

^^what she said

DogsBestFriend · 21/06/2011 19:48

Oh no, DO go to the family event.

Then tell her that you're sorting out your wedding invitation list atm. Look her straight in the eye and add that you're keeping numbers limited and are so looking forward to keeping it to family and those good friends you are very close to...

mummywizz · 21/06/2011 19:50

oh bless her, she sounds soooo insecure and is probably very very jealous of you, you have taken her (probably baby) bruv, she is no longer top dog in his life....believe me i know because i have a similar problem with my SIL. and it's taken years (14!!!) to have any sort of relationship but I don't trust her she's still a witch and whats so annoying is my DH thinks she's wonderful

What you have to do here is smile sweetly, remember you are a better person than her and try and spend as little time with the cow as humanly possible!

Mrsfluff · 21/06/2011 19:55

Well she sounds lovely....not. You say you don't want to say anything as it would cause bad feeling, but you're already feeling bad! Not sure what you should do to change things, but doing nothing is getting you nowhere.

Original poster
itry · 21/06/2011 20:04

Its our dps that are brothers,Its got to the stage I say hello,goodbye and thats it now.

I also dont trust her, she went to hit my son once luckly, my Fil stepped in before I did.

OP posts:
carlywurly · 21/06/2011 20:10

She went to hit your son? Shock
I'd give her a wide berth wherever possible, she sounds absolutely horrible.

mummywizz · 21/06/2011 20:13

good grief!
If she's not blood related to your DP then at least you have his support surely
like i said....spend as little time with her as humanly possible. I bet the rest of DP's family find her difficult if you do
remember you are a normal decent person and she is flawed!

Original poster
itry · 21/06/2011 20:26

Thanks everyone its never been the same after that,and his family know how I feel,thanks for the support.

OP posts:
Groovee · 21/06/2011 20:29

She sounds like dh's SIL and we no longer speak to it.

lingle · 21/06/2011 20:31

ah, she probably feels the fury of the accused. doesn't matter if you're right. Her version of the story now probably involves you pretending that she was going to hit your son.

Original poster
itry · 21/06/2011 20:54

My Fil and I saw what she did that day her hand was raised ,it was never mentioned but I will never forget.

My dp is polite to her for his brothers sake,I am now at the stage in my life where I will be polite but wont try any harder than that anymore.

OP posts:
redexpat · 21/06/2011 21:04

Has anyone else in the family noticed her behaviour towards you? If they haven't then there's not much you can do really because if you raise the issue you'll be the one stirring up trouble.

Perhaps she's jealous? Feels competitive for prime daughter in law position?

I have a similar problem with an IL. I really feel for you.

Original poster
itry · 21/06/2011 21:18

Yes a few have noticed and have mentioned its a jealously thing,for various reasons.

I am very close to mil and have a special bond with her,she treats me like daughter and I love her alot.

I am nice and kind more than I should be,any other person would of given theirn piece of their mind by now,I wont because it would cause problems for the family.

I also dont want my kids around it and I know they are young but I have been here before with my dads family for other reasons,I wont allow my kids to be part of it.

OP posts:
bluemoongirly · 21/06/2011 21:30

Yup i have similar issue with my dp's brothers wife.
I now treat her as she treats me after five years of trying im done.
sorry its not helpful but some people are just bitches!!

BagofHolly · 21/06/2011 21:39

Your MIL sounds like a stirrer. Why is she telling you what your SIL says? How do you know she isn't doing the same behind your back?

Original poster
itry · 21/06/2011 21:43

I dont bagofHolly but I have strated to wander,but dont want to think about it also I think before I speak now about what I do say.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 21/06/2011 21:47

Sounds like your FIL has her card marked if he saw her raise a hand to your boy. Ignore her - literally. Keep a weather eye out for your DCs at events and steer clear of her apart from a coolly civil "hello" at the beginning.
I've got to that age where I don't want to waste time on obnoxious or awful people. And I have a long memory so I avoid and ignore anyone who behaves badly.

Salmotrutta · 21/06/2011 21:51

Hmm - BagofHolly makes a good point. Your MIL shouldn't be repeating the SIL stuff - she should tell her the cost of presents are your business alone and that pick-up times are agreed. She should not be entering into these conversations with the SIL

tulpe · 21/06/2011 21:51

Agree with BagofHolly that there could be something more going on with MIL Hmm. But, as of now, you can only be certain of pathetic behaviour of SIL. IMO, she is behaving in a very jealous and insecure way. The best thing you can do is to continue to participate in (extended) family life and be civil to her. It will wind her up beyond belief if she doesn't get a rise from you. However, if she does something really obviously nasty - particularly with an audience - be quick to slap her down (metaphorically speaking). Don't get in to an argument with her, simply state that you find her behaviour/actions rude and unacceptable and that you don't wish to be treated that way again. Sit back and watch her deal with the shame as she struggles to find some kind of come back.

Original poster
itry · 21/06/2011 21:54

Thanks Salmotrutto I feel that way now its got to the stage I can not pretend to be something Im not I will never be two faced.

In a nice way I mean that,tbh I have tried so hard but now I dont give a shit if you are mean or rude I dont bother wasting my breath that is what I find hardest because I am a nice person generally maybe thats my downfall.

OP posts:
listentothemusic · 21/06/2011 21:55

Yes, had a similar issue too with DP's brother's wife, although DP's brother was almost as rude.

In the end, the circumstances of our wedding were unacceptable to them and they showed their true colours by abusing us publically and we've never spoken since.

That was 4 years ago and no regrets.

Original poster
itry · 21/06/2011 22:05

Thank you everyone its really appreciated,thanks for listening.

OP posts:
BagofHolly · 22/06/2011 11:16

Tulpe, that's my point, you CAN'T be certain if the SIL's bad behaviour as it's mostly reported via MIL. I agree that raising her hand to OPs child is wrong, but did she SEE it or was it reported by FIL? I just think there's rather more to this, and if you take the ILs out of the situation, what has she really done that you can be certain of?

PrettyMeerkat · 22/06/2011 11:30

She sounds horrible. I wouldn't bother with her.