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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is HE?

59 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 09:01

My partner and I have decided to split up.

We have 2 children #

DS1 is 12 - coming up 13 and has AS.Mine from previous relationship but see's P as his dad.
DS2 is 3 - 4 in September.

So after a lot of rows and spitefulness we have decided it is not working.

My idea was that he move out, he has a local job and could easily get a studio flat close by so he would be able to see the children frequently.

Last night he turned to me and said

"I have decided I won't be able to afford to live here so I am going to the coast, I will see the boys on my long weekend off every 3 weeks"

I tried to explain to him it was going to be hard enough for DS1 as it was without him going from seeing him daily to seeing him every 3 weeks. And that with the AS he will be lost and confused.

And that 3 weeks in a 3yr olds life is a life time.

I also suggested he got a place closer and we went to counselling, to try and work things out.

His answer was well I will stay here and we will work it out or I move right away.

I feel he is blackmailing me and using the children as a tool, because he knows DS1 will not cope with this. DS2 although only 3 will cope better, he is more robust etc.

So aibu to ask him to reconsider moving to the coast but to stay local at least until the DC have got used to him not being here all the time?

OP posts:

TrilllianAstra · 21/06/2011 09:10

Have you both decided to split up?

Or have you decided that you should split up?

If the latter then I can see how you might think that he is trying to make it so that you let him stay in the family home for longer.

If it was a joint decision then he probably isn't trying to manipulate you at all, he just doesn't want to live in a studio flat in the same town.

DoMeDon · 21/06/2011 09:16

YANBU. He is being selfish. His ultimatum (stay home or coast) is not conducive to the spirit of 'working' it out. It should be about compromise. If you are not getting on then time apart may help ease the situation while you go for counselling to try to change that.

If you do seperate then you have to accept he can move where he wants. Personally think that is not the actions of a decent father but that is another thread!

fatlazymummy · 21/06/2011 09:20

You can't really dictate to him where he lives after you divorce. He has to decide what is best for him financially. I agree seeing their Dad once every 3 weeks isn't ideal but a lot depends on how much contact there is in between visits. Plenty of children don't physically see one of their parents for long periods but a relationship can still be maintained through over means.

JudysJudgement · 21/06/2011 09:25

its up to him isnt it, if he wants to make a clean break, thats his choice

you cant carry on telling him what he can and cant do

and its always the kids who get hurt, thats the way split ups work

Pang · 21/06/2011 09:36

"My idea was that he move out, he has a local job and could easily get a studio flat close by so he would be able to see the children frequently."

Sounds like you are calling all the shots. If you ask him to leave you can not then tell him where to go.
If you were the person leaving you would have the option of what to do and you would probably make the decision to stay near your children. But if he told you that you HAD to stay in the area to help him, you might just look at other options just to get out of his control.

diddl · 21/06/2011 09:39

It´s up to him.

If he really can´t afford to live nearby-what should he do?

dreamingbohemian · 21/06/2011 09:43

Can you ask him to stay close by for a transition period say, six months so the DC can adjust a bit first?

DoMeDon · 21/06/2011 09:43

He should put being a father first. He should WANT to see his DC as much as possible. He should not put his financial needs above his relationship with his DC.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 09:45

I have to say in my honest opinion he decided the relationship was over in Febuary when he told me he didn't love me enought o marry me after asking me and letting me go ahead with plans.

However I have in that time tried to get him to come to counselling. which he has rubbished and is still rubbishing.

So after the weekends events where we argued because I have made it through to a final in a competition and he thinks I am ridiculous going for it as "You aren't going to win you know why embarrass yourself"
we had a talk and I said "I have had enough of this, you are always running me down, never have a good word to say about me"

So we decided that it is best for us to split. I have said he can see the boys as much as HE and THEY want. And that if all he can get is a studio then I will stay at my mums/sisters/friends of a Friday night so that he can spend Friday night/saturday morning with them.

His reply was he would be moving to the coast or we live in same home and don't have counselling but work on things.

OP posts:

nenevomito · 21/06/2011 09:45

You're right that its not ideal if he only sees the children once every three weeks, but maybe he is thinking that he could provide a better home for them on the coast when he does see them.

If his only local option if he moves out of the marital home is to have a studio flat then I can see his point - They are tiny and wouldn't really be suitable for him and two boys to stay in.

Hard though it is, you can't dictate what he does when you break up, even if its not what you think is best.

nenevomito · 21/06/2011 09:46

TBH Ladyevenstar - he sounds like an ass.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 09:50

It was his idea initially to go, then when I agreed he changed his mind. He is now expecting me to say "stay". But we are nto getting on so it is pointless staying in the same home.

I don't tell him what to do, I was trying to make things easier for the boys. Especially DS1.

He can afford to pay £105 a week rent which includes council tax and water rates. He works shifts, doesn't go out - his choice, other than fishing. He doesn't drink. All he has to pay for is his car.

I know what he is playing at he is waiting for me to say "Please don't go lets stay here together and sweep it all under the carpet"

OP posts:

schobe · 21/06/2011 09:51

People are of course right to say he can live where he chooses, but YANBU for viewing this as very selfish and detrimental to the DC.

What parent would be happy with only seeing their DC every 3 weeks if they had a choice to do otherwise?

Agree he's trying to keep his feet under the table and using blackmail.

He does indeed sound like an arse.

I think you have to call his bluff or you'll end up at his beck and call with you bending over backwards to avoid hurting the kids. for you.

DoMeDon · 21/06/2011 09:52

Why would you continue to live with someone who rubbishes you and the counselling you want to get to change things!?! He is living in cloud cuckoo land. His behaviour will only change if he wants it to and he sounds like a selfish controller.

TrilllianAstra · 21/06/2011 09:52

He works shifts, doesn't go out - his choice

If there's no-one at home he might want to go out rather more than he does now in order to see people and have some company.

fedupofnamechanging · 21/06/2011 09:53

Let him move to the coast. He sounds like a total fuckwit and you will be better off without him.

A good dad should want to see his DC as much as possible. Unfortunately, you can't make someone care. Given that he has this attitude, you might as well accept that he is an arse and plan accordingly

Pang · 21/06/2011 09:55

Ladyevenstar,

Now that I have heard more, I agree with Babyheave. He does sound like an ass. It sounds like for your own self esteem you need to be away from him. It will be hard raising 2 children on your own. Do you have good family support around you?

mrsravelstein · 21/06/2011 09:57

i think that unfortunately, you have to accept that if you split up, it's up to him entirely how he deals with the dc.

i say this from bitter experience of making perfectly reasonable requests about ds1 over various issues with exh, and 7 years on from our split, i have finally reconciled myself to the fact that it is none of my business what exh does, however damaging i believe it to be to ds1.

InTheNightKitchen · 21/06/2011 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 21/06/2011 10:04

Let him move to the coast. Don't even consider 'working things out' because this man means 'Shut up and obey me in every way or I will leave.' That's why he won't go to counselling, he has decided that he is fine and the relationship will be fine as long as you accept him as your boss and owner.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 10:05

Trillian, he has never gone out. I used to spend a lot of time with his ex when we first got together, until about 18m-2yrs later, as I used to collect his son for him to see.

We used to have a lot of talks about the children and she sungs P's praises all the time never did she have a cross word to say about him.

He has only ever gone fishing, he has no friends.

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 21/06/2011 10:07

Why did they split then?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 10:07

ITNK, I will tell you why because through all of our relationship he has had a wonderful relationship with DS1, he has taken him on as his son and I do not expect him to walk away and not have anything to do with him. Ironically it is DS1 he is talking about seeing and taking out to places with him, and just visiting DS2 - his own flesh and blood.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 10:08

DomeDon, because the relationship had turned sour after 22yrs together.

OP posts:

Chandon · 21/06/2011 10:09

once you split up, you cannot dictate how and where he lives, can you?

A friend of mine is getting divorced, and she had it all worked out in her head; She would stay in their big home, looking after the children, whilst he would live in a studio flat somewhere and continue his high pressure job, and support them. Only he would not play ball. he quit his job, so now the house has to go. And he is moving closer so he can see the kids more, but obviously there is a lot less money now. She is very upset.

I think she thought somehow that she could call the shots about how her H would live, but he had to reassess his entire life and wasn't going to live in a little studio whilst his wife kept the big house.

I think your H is crap in certain respects, but he is good for letting you and kids continue to live in the house and not demand you downsize or anything, IYSWIM.

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