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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is HE?

59 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 09:01

My partner and I have decided to split up.

We have 2 children #

DS1 is 12 - coming up 13 and has AS.Mine from previous relationship but see's P as his dad.
DS2 is 3 - 4 in September.

So after a lot of rows and spitefulness we have decided it is not working.

My idea was that he move out, he has a local job and could easily get a studio flat close by so he would be able to see the children frequently.

Last night he turned to me and said

"I have decided I won't be able to afford to live here so I am going to the coast, I will see the boys on my long weekend off every 3 weeks"

I tried to explain to him it was going to be hard enough for DS1 as it was without him going from seeing him daily to seeing him every 3 weeks. And that with the AS he will be lost and confused.

And that 3 weeks in a 3yr olds life is a life time.

I also suggested he got a place closer and we went to counselling, to try and work things out.

His answer was well I will stay here and we will work it out or I move right away.

I feel he is blackmailing me and using the children as a tool, because he knows DS1 will not cope with this. DS2 although only 3 will cope better, he is more robust etc.

So aibu to ask him to reconsider moving to the coast but to stay local at least until the DC have got used to him not being here all the time?

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 21/06/2011 10:10

InThe - "it's basically his decision what his relationship with him should be" - surley he decided that when they entered into a committed relationship and he took him on as his sone!?! Confused

diddl · 21/06/2011 10:23

How far away is "the coast"?

I´m thinking not that far if he will be keeping his job?

So he could probaby see the boys more than every third weekend if he wants?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 10:23

Chandon, He cannot ask me to leave the home as it is MINE not his.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 10:25

Diddl, he is getting transferred in his job he is a bus driver. He is going to 1.5hrs away although he reckons it is 40 minutes.

He won't see the boys more than that as he works shifts and right now he uses his days off - 2 a week to go fishing. and 2 of his long weekend off - every 3 weeks for fishing as well.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 21/06/2011 10:27

Am confused, does he gets 2 days off and a long weekend every 3 weeks?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 10:32

ok i'll explain his days off.

week 1- sunday monday

week 2- monday -tuesday

week 3 - tuesday - wednesday

week 4-thursday,friday,saturday,sunday

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 21/06/2011 10:34

Sorry but he's basically saying he will see his DC for one weekend a month. That speaks volumes to me!

He could see them every week if he wanted to Sad

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 10:36

Yes he will come and see them FOR THE DAY once a month.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 21/06/2011 10:39

FOR THE DAY!?! So he's not even going to have the whole weekend with them! Unbelievable. Where do you think this attitude comes from?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 10:52

I don't know, I asked him last night how he felt at 15 when his father left he said "devastated, I waited outside his work for hours in a hope I would catch a glimpse of him" yet cannot put that feeling onto the children.

OP posts:
lateatwork · 21/06/2011 10:53

am i right in thinking he has another son too? so there are 3 children involved? i

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 10:59

Late, he has 2 other sons. His eldest is 25 i think, and the other is 17, then there is DS1 12 and DS2 is 3.

DSS1 has had nothing to do with him since he was 18, through choice, DSS2 told him a few years ago unless he bought him an electric guitar he never wanted to see him again and has refused ever since.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 21/06/2011 11:01

What do you think of his relationship with them? He does sound selfish and emotionally stunted!

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 11:05

I have had many rows with him over his other children, I have lost count of how many times I have told him.

OP posts:
MsTeak · 21/06/2011 11:42

I think you know from his history what will happen. Hi is going to let them down and you are going to have to face up to that fast.

Orbinator · 21/06/2011 12:03

It sounds like you instigated the split. He's turned it back onto you with an ultimatum that you don't like. That is your problem unfortunately. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, but you can't have it all your way. Break ups don't work like that.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 12:12

How do you think I instigated the split?

He doesn't love me enough to marry me, I had a thread on last week where I was talking about him having told me "I hope you get raped", he wants me to sit indoors and not have a life other than my children.

I asked him in Febuary to have counselling with me and also seperatly for his issues (he says he was sexually abused by his mother but won't do anything about it) and he has refused point blank.

I have been waiting for 5.5yrs for him to get a divorce even down to paying the initial payment, he hasn't done it.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 21/06/2011 12:27

TBH if he won't do anything about these issues he will always be an unreliable person. There is so much under all this, his verbal abuse of you will have huge ramifications for your DC and for your self-esteem. He must get help but he has to want it. A split is for the best and if he chooses to walk away from you all, that is his choice. Just another thing for him to regret!

Whatever the outcome it will be for the best. Either he will go and you will all be free of his behaviour or you will work through it- either way you will all be happier eventually.

darleneoconnor · 21/06/2011 12:44

Your DS's are better off without someone like that. He doesn't love them. They would be better with a clean break rather than sporadic, uncartain contact. Let him move to the coast and in a couple of years his youngest will probably hardly remember him.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 12:53

I don't want that for either, especially as I have been through this already with DS1's father. Who now after 10yrs wants to get to know DS1. Sad

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 21/06/2011 12:57

You really will be better off without this selfish knob. Unfortunately there is no way of making a selfish person behave reasonably, so the only thing to do is accept once and for all that he's a knob and expect nothing helpful from him.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 12:59

I basically said that to him earlier Spring. I just got a text off of him to say he will think about staying closer.

OP posts:
fatlazymummy · 21/06/2011 13:01

OP I don't think he sounds like a 'people person' TBH. I'm a little bit confused as to why you would have ever thought he would make a devoted father? .I think you are just going to have to encourage him to see the children as much as possible and to be there for them yourself. He is not going to see them that frequently ,and you are just going to have to accept that.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 13:05

FLM He is far from a people person.
When we got together he saw dss2 a lot, right up until my DS2 turned 1 and we moved into a new home. Then that christmas DSS demanded an electric guitar which we couldn't afford and refused to see P after that.

OP posts:
SirGinster · 21/06/2011 13:06

When I split with my XP I had a choice about where to live.

Near to XP. All I could have afforded near her would have been a dingy studio flat in a large city. Somewhere I would not have wanted dd to come and stay. Yes I would have seen more of dd ( 2 ) but basically all centred around my XP's home.

Or move out to the sticks where I could afford a two bedroom house surrounded by miles of beautiful countryside.

I chose the latter. I don't see as much of dd as I'd like but the quality of our time together is very good and I am far happier to not be living in a crappy studio flat.