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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is HE?

59 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 09:01

My partner and I have decided to split up.

We have 2 children #

DS1 is 12 - coming up 13 and has AS.Mine from previous relationship but see's P as his dad.
DS2 is 3 - 4 in September.

So after a lot of rows and spitefulness we have decided it is not working.

My idea was that he move out, he has a local job and could easily get a studio flat close by so he would be able to see the children frequently.

Last night he turned to me and said

"I have decided I won't be able to afford to live here so I am going to the coast, I will see the boys on my long weekend off every 3 weeks"

I tried to explain to him it was going to be hard enough for DS1 as it was without him going from seeing him daily to seeing him every 3 weeks. And that with the AS he will be lost and confused.

And that 3 weeks in a 3yr olds life is a life time.

I also suggested he got a place closer and we went to counselling, to try and work things out.

His answer was well I will stay here and we will work it out or I move right away.

I feel he is blackmailing me and using the children as a tool, because he knows DS1 will not cope with this. DS2 although only 3 will cope better, he is more robust etc.

So aibu to ask him to reconsider moving to the coast but to stay local at least until the DC have got used to him not being here all the time?

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 13:06

ooppss pressed send too soon.

So I thought he was a good dad.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 13:09

Sir, while I appreciate your situation. P has no bills to pay aside from his car finance which is £200 pm. I have always paid the other bills, shopping and for the dc.

I have been showing him today he could afford to rent a place here and have enough money to live a good life on. His problem is he has no idea of how to manage money.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 21/06/2011 13:21

You cannot choose to stay with him just for him to be close to the DC's. Why don't you try counselling on your own? I am sorry that it has come to this, i can remember some of your other threads/posts. I don't think that he is going to see things in the same way that you do. He should move closer to begin with to allow the DC's to adjust but you may have to accept that he won't. Think about how you will manage if he goes and decide on that basis. Also consider how you will be if he forces the issue of him staying in the house.

dreamingbohemian · 21/06/2011 13:23

I'm sorry, but you sound well rid of him.

Regardless of what he does, it sounds like this will be a very traumatic process for DS1. I think you should focus on getting good guidance to help him through this and just let DP get on with whatever he wants to do. He's a grown man, let him figure it out. DS1 needs you. Whether he sees DP once a week or once a month, it's going to be rough.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 13:27

Birds a week or so ago I would have been agreeing with the counselling for me, however I have over the weekend regained a lot of my strength and fight and KNOW i can do this alone. I managed with DS1 for so long alone that I know I don't need a man to help. DS2 is indifferent I have explained to them both that we love them but we don't like arguing and it is going to be better when mummy and daddy live apart as there won't be any shouting.

DS2 replied, so i can sleep in mummys bed EVERY night

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 21/06/2011 13:33

It surprising how counselling helps sort out how you really feel and it is such a shame he won't agree to it.

If he will split with you and move away from the DC's, without trying absolutely anything perhaps that says alot?

He may just be calling your bluff. It sounds as though a break would be for the best, unless you feel that you can put together a proper plan with time limits etc to try to work through things?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 21/06/2011 13:35

Birds he has got to go. I am not saying we won't work it out, but tbh I see little hope atm.

I am not upset, crying or sad just feel like a weight has been lifted.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 21/06/2011 13:55

He may be calling your bluff, but if he isn't then you know that you will cope with the consequences of him moving away. Stand firm on him moving out.

TotallyLovely · 21/06/2011 13:58

He's trying to emotionally blackmail you as he knows how upset you will be about the children not seeing him. He doesn't sound great really in a lot of ways, although it's good that he's talking about the things he can do with your oldest.

I don't see what you can do, except explain that you won't be getting back together and it would be good if he was close for the dcs. In the end though the decision is his and as infuriating as it may be there isn't much you can do.

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