DP wanting to take DD on holiday without me?

[LharlieandCola]

DD is 2. (D)P wants to take her on a short (3 day) trip to France next month, to visit his family. I can't go, as I will be working. I feel uncomfortable with this, as
a) I am normally SAHM, and I worry that both I will miss her and she will miss me.
b) It means her going on a plane without me, and am irrationally nervous
c) Was looking forward to swopping roles for a few days, so he can see what it's like being at home full time - not jetting off on hols, where there will be lots of help.
d) Am not the biggest fan of (D)P's family - there have been issues in the past, and feel a bit envious of them all having fun whilst I stay home and work.
He says IABU - am I?

yes YABU. I would jump for joy if DH offered to take the DC away for 3 days

Well if you get on OK with ILs-suggest that you all go?

She´s only 2 & if you will miss her & they don´t have to go when you can´t, say that you would rather it be when you can go as well.

Of course everyone will be OK as it´s only three days, but if you would rather be there then I can´t see what´s wrong with that.

And if that makes a person selfish, well then I definitely am.

"I would jump for joy if DH offered to take the DC away for 3 days "

Me too now that they´re teens

Thanks for your lovely advice Karma - glad to hear it wasn't just me being completely selfish / paranoid - though I know others thought differently . Shall go away and have a good chat / think about it all.

Thanks Diddl! And yes, I know that I am actually pretty lucky that he is happy / keen to look after her on his own for a few days, I really do. I just needed some other perspectives on how other Mums / Dads would feel and how you think DD would feel. Thanks for all the replies - Diddl, I will mention that to him too...

I can understand why you are worried, when you have been the primary carer, you start to worry when they away from you, that's why people find the first day of school very stressful, they are growing up and moving away from being with you all the time. I was extremely nervous when my husband took my dd1 away for the first time, I had visions of her getting run over or stranded at the airport, complete worry nonsense, as he looked after her a lot. Abroad just seemed a long way away.

However, you do also have to know that they will be absolutely fine without you. Personally I don't think it's easier to take a 2 year old on a plane and then get them to sleep in a strange place, so your wanting him to experience what it's like to be a full-on parent is going to happen anyway.

In short, I think you are reasonable to be worried, but unreasonable to stop them going, she'll probably have a wonderful time. it's worth facing your own fears.

"it's worth facing your own fears."

I don´t agree.

The little girl is only 2 and it sounds as if they could go away together.

Unless OPs husband particularly wants to go without her, then I don´t see that there´s any reason for them not to all go.

YABU.
I tryst dh witht eh children and know thta they are just fine with him. I was in hospital for over a week, having given birth to ds2. Ds1 was unsurprisingly fine with dh. Why would i ever consider for a moment, that he wouldn't be.
I think you are one of th emothers who just needs to be needed. And I think that is almost..... unhealthy.

lol @ 'unhealthy'. OP's DD is 2, not 42!

Was it LeQueen who wrote on another thread the other day, I think it was the middle class parenting one, about how some mothers just need to be needed and live through their children, because they really have little else going on in their lives.
Yes. I think that was it.
she, per usual, put it so much more eloquently, but thats the thrust of it.

YABU

It will be a great experience for your DD, DP and ILs. Plus you get to have some time off yourself.

I just took my DD on a two night break to see my parents abroad without my DP. I know DP missed her but it was a really good opportunity for DD and I to spend quality time together which we just don't get when it's the three of us.

DD really enjoyed it - she loved the experience of being in a new place, seeing new things, different language and culture (Italy). The travel was tiring so don't imagine that he will be spending all day relaxing. If he is flying then it will be at least 6 hours door to door each way, and airports are not relaxing these days.

Just to clarify:

a) YANBU ish
b) - d) YABU

If the child was a teenager, then you'd have a point, but at two years old it's normal for a child to need its primary carer and to miss that person/feel unsettled if they are away for 3 nights. I also think there is something wrong with any parent who doesn't miss their 2 year old if they are away from them for any length of time.

If you are used to being primarily responsible for a child, it's natural to worry when the child is somewhere else, even if you know that the child is being looked after. That's the nature of being a good parent.

I think that 'living through your children' is a phrase used to describe behaviour such as imposing your ambitions on a child because you didn't get the opportunity yourself. Not really relevant to the OP's situation

It's not about not trusting DP Oblomov. If you've read the thread, you'll see it's not about leaving DD with DP, it's about him taking her somewhere new for three days and nights, without me when I am - up until now - the first face she sees in the morning and the last at night. Am really impressed if your DCs would not have been at all wobbly about that at (just) 2 years old, but I worry that mine will.

If they do go, I hope she'll be fine - and hopefully won't miss me at all.
Of course I'll miss her - don't think that makes me particularly unusual though. Btw, also super impressed that you can read so much into my psyche from a few online posts...must look into that

YABU

She will be fine and so will you :)

some mothers just need to be needed and live through their children, because they really have little else going on in their lives.

Appreciate the concern Oblomov, but that doesn't apply to me at all. Am just a little apprehensive about my (just) 2 year old DD going abroad without her Mum - and primarily how she will feel about that. If that makes me a freak, then fair enough, show me where to sign up.

But keep going, am enjoying you with your amateur psychologist's hat on..:o

I am not asserting myself as amateur pyschologist or anyhting else, actually.
I think thats you making assumptions. Perhaps becasue so many people have told you that YABU, that it has hit a raw nerve ?
So PFB does NOT apply to you, then ?
Okey-cokey !!

Yeah, you know what, perhaps you are being a little U, but no more U than I would be in the same circumstances.

Yes, even with a capable, normal dad I would worry about my 2yo going away from me.

Yes, the plane thing would worry me too, but that is normal also, we are mums, worrying is what we do!

I totally get you about the him not getting the full benefit of being YOU for the 3 days when you need to go off. I do totally get you feeling somewhat miffed that he seeming has a get out from seeing what you have to do all day every day.

so, as I say, yeah you may be being U, but you are only writing down what many, many, many of us would think in the same circumstances.

Let him go off, it'll be great, cos you will be able to devote all your energy to your project and he will have to just get on with it. I hope it goes well, and I also hope that it does give him an appreciation of what you do.

Don't get hung up on what they do, eat, when they sleep etc, that is all down to him that weekend, she is 2, even if they feed her chocolat and escargot the entire trip, she will be fine!

Lharlie , I would feel the same , it isn't about any real rational thought but I would have felt twitchy about it .

I would want to be there the first time she got on a plane , is it her first time ?

Also why does he specifically want to do it when you are working for such a short time ?
Why not do it when you have finished your project ?

It does sound to me that he knows he is going to struggle looking after dd while you work so is going to visit family who will take over and he will get 3 days off . While looking all marvellous because he took his dd away all by himself .

Could be completely wrong about that of course .

Missing your children is normal/fine/one thing. Not having faith in your dp/dh to be able to care for your child, speaks more about how you view your dp.
I trust dh implicitly and would never have any concerns for his caring of the ds's.

Thanks Karma and HH!

Oblomov, I've got no idea what PFB means - if you let me know, I can let you know! Re people telling me IABU, no, not a raw nerve at all. If you look back, you will see that I have quite clearly said, in several posts, "Ok, thanks folks, seems IABU, will take that on board". Also, you might notice from a lot of posts, that although they are saying I would be BU if I didn't let them go, IANBU to be worried about it! Maybe that means there's a lot of us PFBers (whatever that means?) on here?!

PFB - precious first born

I am proud member of this group, with a honorary membership to POB - precious ONLY born too!

You are U. I am frequently U, but I have stopped myself from posting a thread when I realise I am!

pats LharlieandCola, It's OK, we are all U sometimes!

:o at travelling - the thought had crossed my mind too...shurely not though...! She has been on a plane before, so should be OK. Yes, am going to suggest we all go together another time, when we talk about it, we shall see.

Oblomov, I do trust DP, I just worry that DD would feel more comfortable going away to somewhere new with me, rather than without me. But hey, I could well be wrong, and she may have no issues with it at all. In which case, nor will I.