Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wanting to take DD on holiday without me?

90 replies

LharlieandCola · 20/06/2011 20:29

DD is 2. (D)P wants to take her on a short (3 day) trip to France next month, to visit his family. I can't go, as I will be working. I feel uncomfortable with this, as
a) I am normally SAHM, and I worry that both I will miss her and she will miss me.
b) It means her going on a plane without me, and am irrationally nervous
c) Was looking forward to swopping roles for a few days, so he can see what it's like being at home full time - not jetting off on hols, where there will be lots of help.
d) Am not the biggest fan of (D)P's family - there have been issues in the past, and feel a bit envious of them all having fun whilst I stay home and work.
He says IABU - am I?

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 21/06/2011 08:20

It will be really good for both of them. Don't worry. Enjoy your time to yourself.

fedupofnamechanging · 21/06/2011 08:39

I wouldn't want my DH to take my child abroad without me. If something happened, then I wouldn't be able to get there quickly. In theory what everyone says is true, he is her father, will take care of her etc, but still I would feel like I was missing a limb. My DH would understand that and so would not want to take my child somewhere else for 3 days.

I'm going against the majority here, but I think that your husband should be sensitive to your feelings and whether he has a right or not, he shouldn't want you to feel distressed and should therefore not take your baby out of the country for 3 days.

There will be plenty of time for your DD to see her extended family and none of them are as important as you in her life. If she is with you all the time, then she may not want to be away from you either.

I'd say no.

proudfoot · 21/06/2011 08:48

YABU

and Hmm at wanting him to stay home so he can see how hard you have it...

CoffeeDodger · 21/06/2011 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EricNorthmansMistress · 21/06/2011 09:19

It's three days!!! Bloody hell, it's not about you it's about the child. A 2 year old is perfectly fine to be away from one parent, with the other parent for three days. It's you mummies who wouldn't like it - so put the child first and get over yourselves

revolutionscoop · 21/06/2011 09:28

YANBU to be apprehensive, but it would be unfair to prevent dd from going. Flights to France aren't exactly long-haul, and your dp will only have one dc to look after, she will be fine :)

fedupofnamechanging · 21/06/2011 09:37

You could argue that going to France for 3 days is about the daddy. He wants to go, even though he knows the mother will desperately miss her child. Don't suppose the 2 year old has much of an opinion on France one way or the other. Otoh, a 2 year old will miss their mummy if they are used to mummy being there all the time. The more I think about it, the more I think the DH is being uncaring in not taking his wife's feelings into consideration.

Don't think the daddy here is putting the child first, he is doing what he wants. Perhaps putting the child first means not taking her away from her primary carer for 3 days, when she is too young to understand the concept of holidays or time!

CrapolaDeVille · 21/06/2011 09:39

Awww OP, plan some things to do so you don't think about it the whole time.

MorelliOrRanger · 21/06/2011 09:44

It'll be fine and IMO, your DP will realise how difficult looking after a 2YO is full time for a few days.

Of course it's going to be hard for you, but your DD is with her dad and she'll be fine.

Not going to say YABU or not as you know already that you are a bit Smile

I agree with Cat64.

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 21/06/2011 09:46

I felt like you did when my dh took my dd to see his mum (still in UK but plane ride away).

My ds was 3 weeks old and I had the most horrendous post cs infection so could hardly walk. DD was not yet 2.

I cried. Lots.

They were absolutely fine. She had a lovely time.

EvelynBakerLang · 21/06/2011 09:49

My two year old has a rough grasp of holidays and time, I think. When her dad travels for work she understands the idea that he will be home for the weekend. I'll be travelling for work for the first time in a couple of weeks and I'm confident that she will be fine with her dad. She's never spent more than a day without me (more by accident than design) but she can wave me bye-bye happily when I go out for the evening, and I think she'll have the same confidence when we're apart for a few days. I'm sure your little one will be the same.

I think they can get their little heads round quite a lot as long as they have some reassurance. It's a great opportunity for all of you. You'll miss each other like crazy (and I guess you'll be more upset because you'll be alone) but it will be fab to come back together and hear about all the exciting stuff.

JudysJudgement · 21/06/2011 09:59

but the 2yo isnt old enough to be away from me for that length of time.

why? what can you do that the dad cant for a 2 year old

CinnabarRed · 21/06/2011 10:10

I also understand your nerves.

Ask DP to help you come up with strategies to put your mind at rest while they're away.

  • he can take photos of DD enjoying herself on his phone and send them to you by text
  • regular calls to confirm that everything's OK (when the plane lands, when they arrive at your PIL's home, each evening, each morning - whenever you feel you need)
  • agree a way for him to get hold of you in the (extremely unlikely!) event that anything does go wrong, even if you're at work and uninteruptable by anyone else. And groundrules on when it should be used - you don't want to get panicked by an emergency contact when all he wants to know is whether she has jam or marmalade on her toast! Perhaps a text that includes an agreed word so you know it's serious?
  • his agreement that he'll call you if arrangements change for any reason, for example if the plane were delayed.
exoticfruits · 21/06/2011 10:10

I don't know what you can do that the dad can't-is one parent more equal than the other?Hmm

fedupofnamechanging · 21/06/2011 10:20

Where one parent is with a small child most of the time, that parent may be better at settling them if they wake at night or may simply be the person that the child wants to comfort them if they are unhappy/unwell. My DC will look to me for certain things and to their dad for other things, it doesn't mean we are unequal but we are different, even though we can both look after the DC. At two, my DD looked to me for more things than her dad and would have been upset to be away from me for 3 days. She is 3 now and still not ready. My older DC otoh would be fine.

This isn't because I am more important than their dad, just that DD is used to me being there all the time, whereas her dad is often away with work. I think that if I was to be away from her for any length of time it would be better to build up gradually rather than do 3 nights all in one go, with DD in another country.

backwardpossom · 21/06/2011 10:20

YABU, as you've realised, so fair play to you :)

Enjoy the few days you'll have to yourself. Read some books, enjoy a lovely hot bath every day without someone constantly pestering you (or trying to climb in with you fully clothed as in my DS's case...), watch things on TV that you want to watch (says me, sitting here with the Singing Kettle on... sigh ), be able to eat chocolate without a wee person trying to steal it from you, etc. In fact, could your DP take my DS with him?!

TheOriginalFAB · 21/06/2011 10:23

Maybe have dad spend more one to one and alone time with your DD before he takes her? Should help both of them..

knittedbreast · 21/06/2011 10:23

of course yabu, all i have heard in the op is me, me me. its not for you, its for your daughter and your dp.

dont let selfish reasons come between your child and his family

diddl · 21/06/2011 10:36

I think it´s young & unless you really don´t get on with your ILs I don´t see why you wouldn´t all go together tbh.

So I don´t think that you are being entirely unreasonable tbh.

But it is only three days-you will both cope.

But why has he booked it for when you can´t go?

Would you want to go?

JudysJudgement · 21/06/2011 10:41

so if the mother runs off/falls in front of a bus, dad wont cope/will be incapable

lol

imagine the uproar if someone dared to suggest a woman couldnt do something

MrSpoc · 21/06/2011 11:02

Op YABVU

You sound like my wife when you said Was looking forward to swopping roles for a few days, so he can see what it's like being at home full time - not jetting off on hols, where there will be lots of help

My wife does this. Ill have my two boys for the day. She would expect me to sit in the house all day and do nothing, just to see how it feels for her. The is unpractical for a number of reasons.
1 = she never just sits in the house always out meeting friends, family going for coffee's, play groups etc.
2 = Why would you sit in all day when you can go out, have a car, within walking distance to loads of free activities

So what if I go out and take the boys to the family or the park.

Also it his also his child. I could easily take both of my boys away for three days and cope, settle them and i work allot of hours. I guess it depends on your bond with your own children.

porcamiseria · 21/06/2011 11:03

yabu, sorry understand why, but let them go, t will be great bonding for them and travel wth kids is hard work!

Original poster
LharlieandCola · 21/06/2011 12:31

Thanks for your replies.

Karma, you've summed up exactly how I felt / still feel. That maybe it was more about what DP wants, than what DD might want. After all, she's not going to care where she is really - but it might bother her, that the person who is normally there 24/7 isn't, for 3 straight days and nights - especially when in a new place / new bed etc. I thought it would be enough of a change for her already for me to be in work during the day, without her not seeing me at bedtime and mornings too.

Knitted, although I admit I will (of course) miss her, I don't think it is all about me, me, me. Do you not think it'll bother her at all being away from me and in a new place? (Maybe not - I don't know)

I didn't say anywhere that there were things I could do that DP couldn't, but as Karma says, she is still at an age when she often wants Mummy rather than Daddy - eg when she's tired, hungry, upset. That's not to say I want to encourage this, I don't - I just wonder if being away from me for 3 days all at once may be too much.

Diddl, he hasn't booked anything yet, just thinks that it would be a good opportunity to go when I will be busy anyway - maybe he's right. I don't have a fantastic relationship with them, but would go if I could and it would be fine.

And Mr Spoc, I've got no idea about your wife's expectations when you look after the kids - but of course I wouldn't expect DP to stay home all day with her - that'd be weird! I'd fully expect them to go out and about and do fun stuff - just think that maybe heading off abroad without me, is a bit at the other end of the spectrum.

OP posts:
Original poster
LharlieandCola · 21/06/2011 12:32

Anyway, consensus is clearly that IABU, so shall bear that in mind :)

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 21/06/2011 12:48

Llarlie, despite what's been said here, I think a lot of people would feel as you do. It's one thing to say that they would be fine with this, but it is something else to actually do it. Even if everyone else thinks yabu, if this doesn't sit well with you then it's okay to say to your DH that you are not comfortable with your toddler being in a different country for 3 days and you think your child will miss you. Your DH has maybe not thought about how upsetting this is to you or that his DD will need you, because she has never been away from you.