Giving money to family AIBU

[Aliensstolemychocolate]

Potted history, my husband is one of a large family all the family are very 'pro family' when it comes to sharing. They were not well off growing up, but managed fine. My family were better off but certainly not rolling in it and my husband and I have worked very hard to get the jobs we have and earn the money we do.

Anyway, we have had an email today from our nephew (21) who lives in the USA with his mum and her husband (essentially my SIL/BIL). He has said he cannot pay his college fees and is having to work instead of study but really wants to go to school - the email is very emotional but says his stepdad wont pay (but still has money for other stuff) so could we help him out.

Now this is not a first by any means,my DH family have struggled financially and we have helped significantly for all of his siblings, and it was not long ago she was asking for money to leave him (our BIL) but that is another story.

DH is worried that he will be viewed as mean and spiteful if he doesn't give the money (that goes back to another story in the family about money) but thinks, like me that we should all take personal responsibility for ourselves/children.

So much so we have argued about this in the past and I am fearing another set of monumental arguments (including MIL phoning to say we need to help).

AIBU (and mean) not to want to help out (again)? I am starting to feel like giving into the pressure may be easier

The only children you are responsible for are your own.

The absolute cheek of his mother to encourage him to send a begging email like that. Has she no pride? Has he no pride?

No bloody way would I send him a single penny. Any money you give him you are taking away from your own children.

If your DH is worried that he will be viewed as mean and spiteful, that really translates in to the family only really respecting him for what he earns.

Would they really think that badly of him, and you, if you said that you couldn't afford it?

If they would, then they have very little respect for you. They would rather believe that you would lie about being able to give away 10 grand or that you were mean not to.

If there was ever any danger of my family thinking that about me, I would tell the lot of them to bugger off.

i would also add, if i remember correctly that any credits they build up in the US for one year of study they can carry forward so if he has to take a years break to pay his back fees and save for the next lot so be it- it is not all or nothing. i have a step neice in the US who is just starting out at college and she is very realistic that she might have to do this and it might take longer than someone with parents with means.

I can understand helping out family members in need, but it seems that you and DH have become some kind of benefits service (not even the family bank, because the bank would expect the money back.)

Would your DH's family chip in to help out your family if necessary?

I'd say no, TBH, and explain that you don't have the financial means to fund his university education but wish him luck with it.

He should have attached a Word document or something with a potential "plan of action", detailing exactly what he needed, when he'd pay it back (i.e. within 3-4 years of earning above a certain amount) and with which interest. Not just a vague request re "can you fund me, I need it now".

But you can see his thinking- he has a really rich relative and not many options. Probably he's seeing you like a bottomless moneypot, which is understandable if you're the wealthiest in the family.

I have family like this and it is unfair. It is not your responsibility to send this nephew to college when he is 21, has parents, and could possibly apply for financial aid.

If you were rich then I would say what's the harm. But you aren't rich though you are quite comfortable. Money issues like this tend to cause family troubles further on down the line anyway, so I would deal with it now and not get myself in a sticky situation later.

Yanbu

they are taking the piss.

I think its really cheeky too. Why on earth does he not take out a loan like everyone else?? That is essentially what my reply would be. You have your own offspring to think of. Has he just approached you or have all the family been emailed?

Looks like he has just approached us, although we now know it was at the request of SIL.

DH is in a bit of a tizzy about it still, doesn't think he should give the money and I don't think he will but still concerned about the fall out.

I thought we are supposed to teach a bit of self reliance these days!

Tell him no, you can't afford it.

It seems like you're being used for your money, how awful.

I think if you don't feel comfortable with it then don't do it because if something BIG happens down the line and you suddenly NEED the money, that you and your DH have worked hard to get, you could get resentful of your nephew which is surely the cancer of a pro family- family, if he has asked he has to be prepared to accept yes or no with equal amounts or grace.
Good luck!

It would be a big fat no from me. I'm shocked at the fucking nerve of your nephew and his mum.

Er no! Cheeky blighter! 10,000 dollars! - Get a fecking job! I sent one of DH's nieces 100 euros towards her gap year, and have just send the other 100 euros as she is having a baby next month. I am not claiming that I am super-generous or anything, but to me that is the degree to which you help family out unless you are mega loaded.

a couple of thousand dollars, maybe ten' was what was written

Bloody hell-what a complete and total cheek!

I would reply-very shortly and say, sorry-you currently have your own financial commitments. If anyone else has the cheek to give you grief about it, say you thought it was rather brazen to ask!

Just had another thought-it wasn't asked for as a loan, was it?

If you were Richard Branson this would be a cheeky fecking request - one small little word. no

By the way Lord Sugar, you don't know me that well but can you pay my mortgage. Cheers.

If you tell them you can't afford it, and there is "dall out" then you are well shut of them all.

fall out, obviously.

damn fumble fingers.

What I want to know is why the mother thinks it is ok to ask something like this of your husband and his family, do they have a history of him helping out?

My family is also like this to some extent.
This is due to the fact that my mum and her sister emigrated to the US, were able to get great jobs and have successful careers (and raise/educate us well). The rest of the family remained in Central America -with the lives/careers that entails - not full poverty but nowhere near US/UK housing/lifestyles.

So now we are seen as the local cash points, and when we go, we dole out money left and right. If you don't give at least $75 dollars to my uncle who is in his 50's and has been jobless for 5 years, its seen as stingy and mean. Same with my grandparents - even tho my grandmother can't keep track of where she is leaving her money. Its a tricky situation.

My aunt was actually approached by one of my cousins in this exact manner - to pay his university fees - and she was gobsmacked.

Just an an example - last Xmas, my aunt went down to see family and I sent close to $300 to give out to various family members. This is separate from what my brother and dad sent down.

The average wage in their country is $300 a month (about 200 pounds).

LucyGoose I have the same problem, I just won't entertain it. I keep telling my mother not to give these family members money like that because they just expect it as par for the course all the time amd have no qualms asking for more and more.

LDNmummy, I feel bad and somewhat guilty, so I end up sending more money than I should. Its a difficult dynamic (that you may understand) when some members of a large family leave the home country and others stay behind. You do feel some guilt that your life is better, and can take holidays etc, and do things they cannot do. I almost dread telling them if I am going on holidays now.....

Just say no, you do not have to explain or justify yourself.

Plus if you give him the money a) You will not get it back and B) I don't think that $10k will cover college fee's for more than a year or possibly 2 at most college's so what happens when he runs out of cash or can not pay for field trips/books/computers etc and you end up with another email in 6 months to a year.

Or god forbid our country doesn't start to climb out of this recession anytime soon and one of you loses a job/gets ill and can not work, that money will be needed.

He may be family but he has parents who are ultimately responsible for him. It wouldn't matter to me if you were billionaires this is still a massively cheeky request.

This is a brief version of the email that my DH sent back - thanks for all the advice:

^I know it is not easy when you get let down, but that is just a part of growing up. You are a young man now and it is at this stage in your life that you need to start to take responsibility for it and shape your future. I know this is not what you want to hear but you will face many challenges in your life and you will be let down by people and when this happens you will always have 2 choices, you can either take stock of the situation and make a plan on how to better it or you can sit there and moan about how nothing works out for you or that its not fair. The latter is easy to do as it requires no effort and shifts the responsibility of you situation to everyone around you and removes you from the situation. The former takes effort and time but you will learn from it and this will help in the future and be more rewarding when you have got though by your own means.

You should be thankful you have a job whether it pays minimum wage or not as there are many more people who would be grateful to have the work. This is not to say you should accept it but rather you should use it as a driver to want to progress and do better things for yourself.

I appreciate there are people around you who have the means to help you out, but that doesn?t mean they should, I am not happy that PersonX and PersonY have broken a promise that was made, I would like to have thought that they could have provided you a bridging loan or paid your debt of on a CC , if they don?t have the means to do this I would be surprised.

If you are in full time employment then I would suggest you speak to your university about making payments against your debts, as if you show evidence of trying to pay the money off I'm sure they will be amenable to you continuing your course and they may even have some financial aid or programs that would be of help to you.

If they can't help and you don?t have the means to go to college now, then save the money, cut back on the non essential things and go back to college when you have the means. If it is something that you really want to do then you will achieve it and further more you will be better for it as you will be the more appreciative of what you have achieved.

Your Aunt and I are always here to provide a roof over your head if you ever need one and will support you where we can but in this instance I don?t think it is right for us to intervene.^

That sounds good, I am really pleased that you decided to decline financial assistance.