Giving money to family AIBU

[Aliensstolemychocolate]

Potted history, my husband is one of a large family all the family are very 'pro family' when it comes to sharing. They were not well off growing up, but managed fine. My family were better off but certainly not rolling in it and my husband and I have worked very hard to get the jobs we have and earn the money we do.

Anyway, we have had an email today from our nephew (21) who lives in the USA with his mum and her husband (essentially my SIL/BIL). He has said he cannot pay his college fees and is having to work instead of study but really wants to go to school - the email is very emotional but says his stepdad wont pay (but still has money for other stuff) so could we help him out.

Now this is not a first by any means,my DH family have struggled financially and we have helped significantly for all of his siblings, and it was not long ago she was asking for money to leave him (our BIL) but that is another story.

DH is worried that he will be viewed as mean and spiteful if he doesn't give the money (that goes back to another story in the family about money) but thinks, like me that we should all take personal responsibility for ourselves/children.

So much so we have argued about this in the past and I am fearing another set of monumental arguments (including MIL phoning to say we need to help).

AIBU (and mean) not to want to help out (again)? I am starting to feel like giving into the pressure may be easier

It sounds like he is taking the piss a bit. I think I'd say no unless I was financially in a position where it would make no difference at all to me.

You have 12 neices and nephews?

So if you give him (cos let's face it, you won't get it back, will you?) $10,000, then what will you say when the next one comes with their hand out? If you say no, you will be the bad guy because you did for one and not the other.

So 12 x $10,000 = $120,000. Theoretically.

I think not, don't you?

Tell him that you have every sympathy for him as your own DC's will one day be in a similar position and will have to fund their University education through student loans etc.

Tell him that although you are unable to help him financially, that you are very proud of him etc etc.

Then in your best Catherine Tate voice, mutter under your breath "what a fucking LIBERTY"

No WAY should you give him the money!!!!!

Nope, hes 21 not a child. What has he been doing since school?

There may be good reason why his stepdad won't help. Why can't his mum help him? Do they even know hes sent the e-mail?

You could be annoying his parents if you give him money that they don't want him to have.

Ringstar has said it perfectly (about the balancing between cousins).

What about replying along these lines:

Dear Alien Nephew

We were so pleased to hear about your intentions to go to college. Unfortunately we are unable to offer you any financial assistance as we would not want to set a precedence for all the alien nephews and nieces as it would not be sustainable to offer each one of your financial assistance and we love you all equally.

Nevertheless, to show our support of your college attendance we will offer to pay for your college books for the first year up to X amount. We are aware of how expensive this initial outlay can and would like to feel we are contributing in some small way.

Good luck with investigations for loans etc. and keep us posted on your admissions.

Alien

DISCLAIMER: I don't like the books idea as I'd like to tell him to get fucked sort his own life out but I thought a gesture might keep the judging commie family at bay make you seem supportive.

Good points, one and all.

The best thing about the email (and I believe this) was that he said his mum suggested he send it......

Was the e-mail only to you and DH, or did every family member get one?

I'd be inclined to respond with something along the lines of "We are no longer in a position to help anyone since assisting Family Member A with X in 2009, Family Member B with Y in 2010, etc., etc."

You could even throw in "Living in the US, you may not be aware of the high costs of housing and fuel in the UK; paying our mortgage to keep a roof over our heads, fuel to heat and light it, and petrol in the car to get to work at all is becoming quite a stretch for everyone we know."

And if it fucks off his family - meh.

I would also imagine that his parents are aware that he has asked for this money?

In which case, saying a polite but firm NO would not be a bad thing at all.

You need to get the message out to your family that you are not there to help people out financially.

FWIW - my older brother is very very wealthy (and we are very very not) but I wouldn't dream of asking for money unless it was dire emergency (and I mean dire) and even then I would consider it a short term loan and not a gift.

They offered to pay for some theatre tickets for us once (less then a £100) as they were booking or us all to go on one debit card. I didn't let them waive our share though as I would always pay my own way.

I'm just letting you know that most families don't behave the way that yours have :)

Ooh nice to help but my df went to a US uni and managed to pay his own way doing work/study (many moons ago).

We have this with sil - my dh very generous but she's very tight and doesn't progress in her life (ie get independent) and I'm fed up now as if she can't get educated properly by 35 then she never will and now we have our own baby to look after.

Hard one. I like families looking after their own but where it ends up being mutual dependency then avoid, avoid, avoid.

Don't give him the money.

If he is in real financial need the university will have ways to help him deal with this, including giving him financial aid directly (which he may or may not have to pay back depending on his family circumstances) or helping him apply for aid elsewhere, eg. Pell grants or Stafford loans.

Everyone in the States knows that college is expensive and you will end up with debts when you graduate - this is why people get loans, it's completely normal and everyone has them. There are all different kinds of student loans - federal loans made to the student, federal loans made to the parents (PLUS loans), private loans through universities, etc. Almost everyone has a job as well - often on campus, like working in the dining hall or cleaning bathrooms.

Wikipedia even has a whole page on different forms of student aid in the US:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Student_loans_in_the_United_States

If you want to be really passive aggressive, send him this link:
tinyurl.com/43eatmc

He's going to have to accept that he will have to take out loans to pay for his higher education, or miss out on one. Most American kids expect to graduate college with hefty student loans to repay; what makes him so special/different?

Honestly, your nephew is an adult. He shouldn't be expecting his aunt and uncle (not even his parents) to pay for his education. The sense of entitlement is astounding.

Could you imagine sending that email to your aunt and uncle?

There comes a time when you need to say no for the benefit of the people you are giving money to over and over again. We used to bank roll my FIL on a regular basis as he would say he had no money to feed our seriously mentally handicapped BIL. However, once we had children of our own, when we took the phone call I told my dh to say no and that they should give up smoking to free up cash.

I come from a very close family, that helps each other out. I've given money to my parents and siblings when they've needed it, and they have given it to me when I've needed it. That said, I would not expect my brother (who has no children) to pay for my child's university education. My child, my responsibility. It doesn't matter that he can afford it, it's not a life and death situation but choice to go to university. It's not right to expect others to pay for our personal choices.

Say no, OP. Your husband's family are treating you like their own personal bank.

Even if your DH wants to give in for a quiet life, this is your money too, so you both have to agree to it.

Say NO. Then if he REALLY wants to go he will get a loan or a work to get a scholarship. Of course just scrounging the money is a more appealing option for him! But life isn't like that. You will be doing him more of a disservice to give him the money than not imo. You don't have to give a reason either. It's your business how you spend your money. Or just say you can't afford it - noone knows your financial situation. Say you are saving money for YOUR OWN dcs to go to uni.

PS: If he says he can't get a loan because his parents aren't poor enough, but they refuse to pay, this shouldn't stop him getting a loan.

My college roommate was Canadian - her parents had plenty of money, but they made it clear that they wouldn't pay for her to go to a US university because the ones in Canada were cheaper. Our university treated this as if she had no resources at all and gave her a full loan.

Don't offer to pay for his books; don't offer to pay for anything. Helpfully suggest that he speaks to the college about student finance (they have whole teams of people employed to advise student on how to pay for their education).

dont forget the americans have a different work ethic - everyone is expected to pay their own way and not scrounge off state handouts, so i would refer him to this

Er, this isn't your problem.

Why spend time trying to come up with ideas re: the British passport so he can get to a UK uni, or suggesting loans, or other relatives, or working part time....

This isn't your problem. He's 21, he's an adult, if he needs advice he has his own parents to go to. But the expectation of thousands of pounds of cash from some random relatives - what the hell...!

You don't need to justify yourself with this crap. He asked you a massive massive favour, you don't want to, that's it.

I'm a bit at this post tbh - are there really families out there that have such a huge sense of entitlement towards blood relatives?

I wouldn't send any money (ever again). There are other non financial ways of supporting families (and adults over 21).

There definitely a cultural difference because, if my son sent an email like that I would be annoyed at him. Distribution of wealth would suggest that you would sometimes be a beneficiary instead of forking out into various begging bowls. I wouldn't care what in laws thought but you could say that you have given DH's £x and now your family are now in need of your financial support and so you can't help.

I am really puzzled. I attended college in the US, and most students expect to have loans - those that don't have rich parents that is. I think he's being really cheeky to ask you, and it would certainly set a bad precedent. Personally I'd tell him to fuck off and call me again when he's a grown up sort this one out on his own. And his mum suggesting it, even more cheeky.

I wouldn't offer anything, I'd just say that you are pleased he is entering further education but you don't have sufficient funds to assist and wish him all the best.

If you did give him some money, I suspect you will get asked for more, either by him or another relative.

Option A

Dearest Relative,

Lovely to hear from you - whilst we are delighted that you are thinking of entering into a degree program in the US, we do not have any funds to assist you with your studies. We do send our best wishes and are pleased you are starting on the path to higher education - what an exciting time for you!

Kind regards,

Mug Relative A & B
xxx

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Option B

Dear freeloader,

Why on earth did you think it was appropriate to ask us for cash towards your studies? Aside from being embarassingly inappropriate, it would:

• Set a bad precedent within the family
• Impact on our own financial security/ability to put DCs through uni
• Continue to enable your bad decisions e.g. giving up British passport 3 years ago
• Show you nothing about the value of money
• Put you at a distinct advantage to your peers, who mostly realise that unless you come from a significantly richer family, loans and/or jobs on top of study are just a part of life

Don't bother asking for cash again.

Bluntly yours,
Non-doormat A & B
(no kisses)

My brother is wealthy. In 14 years if DD goes to uni then I shall be thrilled. If brother is still wealthy and DD sent an email like that I would be mortified. Our child our responsibility. He is a great uncle and frankly his time and love is worth more than any finance could ever provide.

Please don't give this nephew any money. He is greedy and cheeky and won't learn anything from it other than to remain greedy and cheeky.

YANBU
You should not give him any money. It is not for a life-saving operation or even to eat. It is a choice and his education is NOT your responsability.

OP I can't believe the cheek of your nephew.

I like fgaaagh's suggested replies- especially Option B.

Remember "no" is a complete sentence. You really don't have to explain what you are doing with your money.

I'm assuming he asked for a loan and not for you to give him "a couple...maybe 10 000"?

If you have the money maybe you can lend it to him WITH interest and give him 5 - 10 years to pay it off after graduating.