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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take my sister plus DNephew in so she can break away from our mum

13 replies

Mummywalsh · 19/06/2011 12:19

sounds straight forward enough but sister is 21, nephew is 13months. She has only ever lived with our mum who has had a large input in bringing him up. Mum and sister's relationship has broken down, I have had similar issues with our irresponsible mum so don't know whether to send her back to sort it out or let her stay here so she can get her own place. Not sure if sister is mentally prepared for managing a household on her own, though she is financially able. Don't want to guide her in the wrong direction

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 19/06/2011 12:20

She is 21 years old and should make up her own mind as to what she wishes to do, she is an adult. Find out what she wants to do and support her decision.

Piggyleroux · 19/06/2011 12:20

I think that is really lovely of you. I would do the same for my sister.

AgentZigzag · 19/06/2011 12:21

What does your sister want to do?

MumblingRagDoll · 19/06/2011 12:21

I would take her in too..21 is very young still. I was a baby at that age. Lovely of you.

TidyDancer · 19/06/2011 12:21

What are the problems with your mum, and what kind of impact will taking two people in have on your family? I think if it's going to be for the best to get your sister away from your mum, then it's a lovely thing for you to help, but you mustn't walk into this blindly, thinking you'll just see how it goes. You need to be sure you can commit to the two of them.

pingu2209 · 19/06/2011 12:33

What does your husband/partner feel? It is your sister, but I assume it is also his house/home and his family unit.

AuntiePickleBottom · 19/06/2011 12:38

i would encourage her to get her own place, also help her out when she gets into her place.

it's not heathy for a 13 month old not to have a perment home to be brought up in

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 19/06/2011 12:49

Sorry to be harsh but if your sister has a baby then she should deal with responsibility and makes herself "mentally prepared" to sort her life out without others doing it for her. If she has asked for advice then fine, but she should initiate any action.

Birdsgottafly · 19/06/2011 12:56

Some people are not strong enough to sort out their own problems or they can have dominering parents/family and need support to break away and learn to accept that they are capable of looking after themselves.

Op if you are taking her in to help empower her and give her confidence then do so, but it needs to be openly discussed between the two of you. Would her moving out give your mum the shock that she needs to accept that she may need to change (if that is the case).

nickschick · 19/06/2011 12:59

I think you have to 'cruel to be kind' your sister is 21 and financially able to support herself she needs to 'mum up' and become a responsible Mum,that means giving her child a stable home in which she can parent him.

Support and encourage your sister to find her own home and adapt to the switch in lifestyle.

Everyone has to grow up sometime.

CarryingTheCanAgain · 19/06/2011 15:21

My aunt took my sister in when she was 22 with a 21 month old baby boy. This was because my sister had been living at home with us but our mother and step father refused to listen to my sisters wishes for her son regarding diet, bedtimes, discipline, tv etc. They felt she was too young to make such decisions alone (feeling she was stupid enough to have accidentally got pregnant in the first place, no doubt) and continually interfered. One day our aunt saw our mum tell my sister off for giving my nephew a rusk shortly before lunch and told her to stop interfering, it escalated and she had a colossal row with our mum and step dad and moved my sister out that day. My sister stayed with my aunt for 2 months and got her own flat just before my nephews second birthday. Now my sister is a strong independent woman and my nephew (now 9) is positively thriving. He is a bright, sweet and wonderful little boy who is a credit to his mothers parenting skills - skills that she may not have been allowed to develop had our aunt not stepped in and pulled her from under my mothers thumb.

My sister is neither weak nor stupid but sometimes what a young person needs is a hand getting started in their independence. Perhaps some people on here don't quite understand just how controlling and forceful some mothers can be. You are right to want to help your sister. YANBU.

bubblecoral · 19/06/2011 15:52

I lived in my own property with a baby at 21, your sister has to face responsibility and do the same if she doesn't like living with your Mum.

Why can't she find her own place from your Mum's instead of yours?

TheArmadillo · 19/06/2011 16:10

Birdsgottafly and CarryingTheCanAgain have got it right I think. It's not that your sister can't cope it's that if you are told constantly that you can't cope then you will believe it. I was 21 when I had ds (now 6yo) and moved back home until he was 9 months old because I had been convinced I'd never be able to cope. They convinced everyone else as well. By the time he was 9 months old I'd had enough and left but I did have a place to go to and the support of dh. I stopped having anything to do with them when ds was 5yo and have gone on to have another dc - and realised how much easier it is to have a child without them around.

The point is being able to cope or not isn't the issue - it's being able to believe you can. I would take your sister and nephew in for a while - but put a time limit on it. Use that time to help find her somewhere and to show her what she is capable of.

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