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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To catch my 'friend' comparing her son's school work to my son's work during open evening?

29 replies

pingu2209 · 18/06/2011 09:27

The school had an open evening last night. I went into my ds's class room and saw another mum comparing her son's work to my son's work. Literally holding my ds's work in one hand, her ds's work in her other hand and holding them next to one another and discussing it with her husband.

My son has SEN, her son does not. I do not believe there is any other explanation than she was using my ds's work as a yard stick for what is poor work and comparing her son's work to see how much better it is.

Am I being unreasonable to be really annoid and upset by this?

However, to be honest, as I was walking round my dc class rooms, I too mentally compared their standard of work against other's in the class - although not any child specifically. It was more of a general comparison so see whether they were meeting the average.

OP posts:
ScarlettIsWalking · 18/06/2011 09:31

well YANBU to catch her no, but it was an open room I presume.

Did you hear what she was saying? She may not know your son has SN and may have been discussing the content. Also - did she pick up the work from somewhere or was it out for display for everyone to view?

allhailtheaubergine · 18/06/2011 09:33

Yeah YABU.

You have no idea what she was saying about the work. You have leapt to your own conclusions based on nothing.

And then you admit doing exactly what you are upset with her for doing.

Goblinchild · 18/06/2011 09:34

It's very hard to safeguard against this, some parents are just horribly competitive and nasty to boot. Reading books, writing, sports. Just knowing their child is good isn't enoyugh for many.
I tend to stay in my room during Open Evenings and head off that sort of behaviour where possible.
Having to have your ability groups displayed on the wall (policy) is sometimes another source of problems.
I do remember a parent who struggled with my son having SN, but achieving at a higher level than her son in many areas. She became very strident, but fortunately my DS failed to notice her being unpleasant.

BeerTricksPotter · 18/06/2011 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goblinchild · 18/06/2011 09:36

I've had parents try to rifle through other children's drawers in order to ferret out what they want to compare their child's work to.
Different if the work is out on display for general observation.

muminthemiddle · 18/06/2011 09:37

Oh dear. I thought your "friend" seemed bad after reading the first paragraph but then you mentioned your son has special needs and really what can I say.
Did you say anything to her or were you too shocked?
I would not be happy to see another parent riffeling through my dcs work. I have in the past scanned the classroom looking to see if my child's work is on display. I tend not to read the work of other children though, perhaps because I want to know how my child is progressing and not compare them to others.
What really matters is whether your child is making progress and you seem to have a handle on this.

Be ready for your friend commenting on the reading level of her child though.

reallytired · 18/06/2011 09:39

I don't think you are unreasonable. Its understandable that you feel upset.

I think its fair to look at children's work if its on the wall, but its out of order to pick up another child's exercise book. Was this a parent's evening where you had an appointment with the teacher.

When my son was in reception he had NOTHING on display at his school's open evening. Some children had five pieces on the wall. It had a really negative impact on my son's self esteem and somewhere in darkest mumsnet I posted a thread on it many years ago.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 18/06/2011 09:40

She knows my son has SEN and has said only last week to me "I hope you don't take offense but I have asked for my ds to be put in a different class next year because all the SEN children are holding him back".

All the SEN children equate to 3 out of 30. He ds is only friends with one - my ds.

I am not leaping to my own conclusions. I know I am right as you will see from the next paragraph.

Yes the class work was an open room, it was all out on tables. A parent would find their dc work displayed and/or in books where their dc normally sits. On the basis her ds sits on a totally different table to my ds, she would have had to have walked over to where her ds sits, picked up his work, then walked over to where my ds sits (I assume directed by her ds) in order to find my ds work.

I am really offended.

OP posts:
Animation · 18/06/2011 09:40

The cheeky chunka!

I would have been a bit put out at your son's book in one hand and her son's in the other!

Did you say - what the chuffing nora's going on around here?

Flisspaps · 18/06/2011 09:42

She sounds like a bit of a bitch TBH - all the SEN children are holding her DS back?

BumWiper · 18/06/2011 09:43

Maybe her DS is being investigated for SEN,or maybe she was praising your DS work.
I would often look at DD's friends work and comment on things well done.Its just that they are children I see almost every day so I am very fond of them.

BeerTricksPotter · 18/06/2011 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsKravitz · 18/06/2011 09:45

I think its terrible YANBU. We have a few like that at our school. Overcompensating IMO.

Bogeyface · 18/06/2011 09:45

Sounds to me like her precious darling isnt progressing as fast as she thinks he should and is looking for someone to blame as clearly he is gifted and special and it is only the bad influence of all of the SEN kids that is stopping him from meeting his amazing potential. Hmm

It will be interesting to see what excuse she comes up with next year, and she will, her sort always do.

Try to laugh at the poor deluded fool if you can.

Goblinchild · 18/06/2011 09:46

'Maybe her DS is being investigated for SEN,or maybe she was praising your DS work.'

Posting from Planet Pollyanna?

smileANDwave2000 · 18/06/2011 09:50

id tell her what you think of her and tell her shes being ridiculous about trying to change class too there will ALWAYS be dcs in every class hes ever in in secondary too with sen im offended for you ITS NOT CATCHING .

PinotsKittens · 18/06/2011 09:51

She was being mean and YANBU.

Hug your son tightly and be grateful that he can grow up with a bitch for a Mum. Unlike the other boy.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 18/06/2011 09:51

This is the final straw for our friendship, I no longer wish to be friends with her at all. I would settle for just a polite hello and no more.

This is not the first time his SEN has been an issue. She has commented numerous times on my ds's SEN as though it makes him different in all aspects of his life. It really pisses me off. His SEN are specific to his accademia only (like a dyslexic child), in all other aspects he is totally normal.

I bloody hope they do move her ds to another class. I, and more importantly, my ds will no longer have to deal with her.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 18/06/2011 09:53

Is she under the impresssion that there will be no children with SEN's in other classes? And if she thinks her ds will become a genius by sitting next to a child who is G+T, she is deluding herself!

I would drop her. I know women like this and they only get worse as the dc's get older. She is not much of a friend.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 18/06/2011 09:54

You don't know that her sons work is better than yours. She obviously has issues about his performance.

Goblinchild · 18/06/2011 09:55

Well, I tend to find that with proper strategies and support in place, the children with SEN in my class are catered for with no negative impact on any other child.
However, those children with massive egos, a huge sense of entitlement, poor cooperative and social skills and a need for attention to rival Simon Cowell?
They have a huge negative impact on everyone, and their often demanding and egocentric parents take up for too much of my time without good reason.

Marshy · 18/06/2011 10:01

I don't think YABU.
I'm so glad my 2 are no longer in primary, where I met some of the most horribly competative parents ever, and a few sensible ones to make it tolerable. Fortunately my DC enjoyed this part of their schooling but I was happy when it was behind us, from that point of view at least.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 18/06/2011 10:04

Why do some parents feel that there is a necessity to keep their child away from children who are at the bottom of the class accademically? I can sort of understand behavioural issues, but learning issues?

OP posts:
BumWiper · 18/06/2011 10:04

Oh well in that case I'd leave that friendship.Maybe she thinks her DS will catch SEN off your DS,the same way you catch the gay?!

Fairycakewithsprinkles · 18/06/2011 10:06

A few years ago my DD 6 at the time went to tea at her BF house. I found out that BF mum had been checking through DDs book bag and reading diary and spellings.

She gave the game away with comments and seeing the teacher and querying why my DD was doing xya and her DD not.

It pissed me off tbh. No it didnt harm anyone but I just felt it was over stepping the mark. Left an uncomfortable feeling between us thats for sure.