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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to let her tyres down?!.........

78 replies

pollyblue · 17/06/2011 23:29

.....or something equally childish.

I realised a couple of days ago that I've been 'dumped' by a friend. A couple of days before that she came along for a drink with half a dozen other friends, that I'd arranged. She's been a bit frosty with me lately but I invited her along, sent her a couple of texts saying 'came you come?' and then to let her know which night seemed to suit everyone. She had plenty of time/chance to say "no, actually I can't stand you anymore and don't want to come." Evening was all very civilised, although she was a bit cool with me still.

Day or two after that I noticed she's removed me as a friend on facebook. (don't you just love facebook?). I use it very rarely, but is a good way to keep in touch with a friend abroad, and I'd been on it on and off over last week or so, talking to him. That's how I noticed she'd gone from my friends list, and knew when she'd removed herself.

I'm as sure as I can be that it's because she found out, six months ago, that I'm gay. We were very good friends, texting/speaking most days and seeing each other at least one a week. She swore at the time that she was ok with it, I was her friend and that was that. But since then she's been cold on and off, although she's not wanted to talk about it further (I did offer early on, but she refused unless another friend came along to "support" her. I said I'd rather not discuss it with anyone else for the time being, so we reached stalemate there.)

I suppose I've really got the hump because she's not spoken to me, or even sent me a text saying 'actually, i don't like this and I'd rather we didn't see each other anymore.' I didn't say anything about it when we went out few days ago, was on my best behaviour because I thought maybe she was thawing and we might be able to get back to being friendly. She was a good laugh and I miss her company. But she's decided to 'unfriend' me now without a word or given me the chance to answer back. Am about that.

So wise MNetters, please can i let her tyres down?!

(apologies for going on a bit)

OP posts:

Original poster

pollyblue · 18/06/2011 18:57

create the point is, it really never did come up as a topic, or certainly I never felt I had the opportunity to mention it before. She's been married over 10 years, we genuinely never had conversations along the lines of who we fancied etc. It never seemed relevant.

OP posts:

create · 18/06/2011 19:06

Ok, but maybe she hasn't reacted like this just becasue your gay (which would be awful of her). She is entitled to have some confused feelings of her own if you're different to how she thought you were, even if she was wrong to assume you were straight. She's dealing with it badly of course, but propably struggling herself.

If you were close friend though, she must have discussed some aspects of her relationship with you? Even if is was just, Men, can't live with 'em...

hester · 18/06/2011 19:12

You know what, create, it can be really hard to judge how and when to come out to people. Do it too early, and it's all 'why are you making a big thing of it' etc, do it later, people feel lied to. I'm actually really cross that, if a friend of yours told you she was gay, you would prioritise your own feelings about her 'dishonesty' (wtf) over thinking about WHY she had never told you before, and having a little empathy.

I've lost plenty of friends along the way because of being gay, and most of them made a big song and dance about THEIR feelings about MY sexuality, and how it affected them. I used to get very hurt; now I just shrug my shoulders at how self-indulgent people can be.

Original poster

pollyblue · 18/06/2011 19:18

create, yes I guess so - I have three children so I've batted for both teams, so yes, we would've discussed men in broad terms. She's never been one to talk intimately about her relationship with her dh though, so we really never have talked about that sort of thing.

I do understand the points you're making, she's confused about me and feels she doesn't know me as well as she thought I guess. But I just don't understand why I've had 6 months of fairly frosty treatment from her and only now, when nothing else has happened or been said, she's decided to cut herself off.

OP posts:

Original poster

pollyblue · 18/06/2011 19:23

hester thanks, yes I suppose it's something i keep to myself because in many respects it seems like such a small part of who I am, and I never wanted to make a song and dance about it. And TBH I have one lovely very dear friend who i know would find it hard to accept and I would hate to make her feel uncomfortable around me - I'm probably being selfish there but i would hate to lose her as a friend over it. The friend this post is about assured me she was fine about it, and I thought we got on so well that it really wouldn't matter to her.

OP posts:

create · 18/06/2011 19:24

hester, no-one would lose me as a friend as a result of telling me they were gay. I might need some time though. How about you having some empathy about how it might feel to find out a close friend you had confided in hadn't done the same?

Polly, no I don't understand why she's behaved that way for 6 months either. I'd probably go a bit quiet for a day or two and then want to talk about it.

MeconiumHappens · 18/06/2011 19:25

i think her going on about the woman you fancied being fugly is quite interesting. perhaps a little repressed interest there?

Original poster

pollyblue · 18/06/2011 19:31

Meconium or she's horrified that she's been friends for several years with someone who obviously has no taste .

FWIW (obviously) I think the woman i fancy is very gorgeous and very talented.....

OP posts:

Madscientistandbump · 18/06/2011 20:46

Let her gyres down. And scrape her driver's door. She's being a twit!

Madscientistandbump · 18/06/2011 20:47

Of course, "tyres" would normally be spelled with a "t". Damn you, Apple autocorrecty thing.

messybedhead · 18/06/2011 20:58

I reckon she had twigged a long time ago about your sexuality and thought that you fancied her. She was probably waiting for the big reveal where you declare your undying love for her, but you ruined it by telling her about your crush on the other woman.

I do realise that this is all made up in my head, but this is what I would tell myself if I were you to make me feel better.

Original poster

pollyblue · 18/06/2011 21:11

messy, I'll try telling myself that !

I loved meconiums typo where ugly became fugly. Fugly is an excellent word.

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 19/06/2011 00:01

you might need some time? really? How long does it take to process teh idea that someone you like is gay? it has always taken me about 5 minutes ("always" being twice!). I might have been a bit disappointed that they told me before (in one particular case) but really more sad that it was consider such a big hurdle that she hadn't been able to share it with some of her friends before.

What earthly differnce could it make to you that a freinds likes sex with women rather than men which would allow you to put a friendship at risk by needing "time". I can absolutely understand why people find it a big deal in some cases making the decision to tell friends and family. I have a distant relative who I'm crtain is gay, talks about his "special friend" but will not ocme out to his family (his mother is a devout catholic". Very sad - he is living a life in parts and not able to share all of it with all of the important people in his life.

Trying ot make out that this kind of announcement s somehow so shocking that it needs time to get your head around it like your DH was having an affair in my mind is colluding in a kind of oppression that makes some people feel they have to live a compromised life for fear of offending someone.

hester · 19/06/2011 00:13

Beautifully put, kew. Now, step away [tugs kew by the hand over to the adoption tearoom].

brass · 19/06/2011 20:26

if you're married for 10 years and have kids then actually your sexuality is already out there so it doesn't get discussed or need an announcement, it is assumed.

If you also have kids and have 'broadly' discussed men with her in the past then she may well have assumed your sexuality (incorrectly) because of that.

So she may well be feeling hurt that you didn't think her a good enough friend to be more open with her and wondering why you pretended to be something else. It would make you wonder what you were doing with someone 4 years down the line - someone you didn't really know at all.

Kewcumber · 19/06/2011 22:43

My friend was married for 15 years and had two children and I'd known him for 10 years when he told me he was separated from his wife and was gay.

My first reaction wasn't "I don't know you at all" becasue I did - he was teh same person, he just wasn't attracted to women but men. He had the same values, sense of humour etc we had the same things in common. None of that had changed. My main reaction was sadness at the difficult position he and his wife and his childree were now in and it proved to be a very bumpy road for them all before it was resolved.

If your genuine reaction was hurt at not being told before then why wouldn't you just say (in a suitably wounded tone) "why havent you told me before?".

Of course the only caveat to that is if me and my friend had met through some kind of born again Christian group and our main hobby in common was preaching about the sin of homosexuality then I may well be inclined to think that I didn't know him at all and our freindship needed to termnate pretty damned pronto.

OP you didn't meet her through a fundamnetal religious group did you?

MeconiumHappens · 20/06/2011 21:55

lol fugly isnt a typo :)

stealthsquiggle · 20/06/2011 22:11

It sounds as though you didn't "come out", OP - just pointed out someone you fancied. With most of my gay friends/colleagues/acquaintances it has been similar - they talk about their partner and happen to say 'he' or 'she' - or they are lusting after someone. As others have said, does anyone really "come out" any more? TBH with one colleague I was (quietly) surprised when he got married and announced that his wife was pregnant - I had always assumed, without conscious thought, that he was gay....

As for friends dumping you, I can empathise. It's really tough, and the worst bit is realising that you had misjudged them in the first place in thinking that they were good friends. Plotting fishes up exhausts might make you feel better, but actually doing it probably won't.

Original poster

pollyblue · 20/06/2011 22:25

Kew no, no religious group, I don't think any would have me!

stealth, yes that's it, I didn't "come out", just drunkenly pointed out someone I was lusting after. And my friend, also v drunk, said she didn't mind. But her sober self isn't impressed. I have had a couple of emails from her and I think we're just going round in circles now. She says she's concerned about my children, which is fair enough, but essentially she thinks I'm going to hell in a handcart. Hurrah! I could do with a holiday somewhere warm......[hmmm].

Meconium ah! Clang (that's the penny dropping). Got it. D'oh.

Thanks to all who've posted with advice and good humour, has made me feel a lot better about things. Tbh, i realise the friendship has run it's course and I'm sad about that but feeling much perkier about things than I did, much clearer head and all that. And no, there won't be any fish up exhaust pipes!

OP posts:

Stars82 · 20/06/2011 22:28

Let her tyres down AND key it :)
It's her loss at the end of the day hun, if it is because you are gay then she's the one with major issues!!!!

Kewcumber · 20/06/2011 22:33

"She says she's concerned about my children"

now that would piss me right off, changed my mind - fish up the exhaust pipe it is.

hester · 20/06/2011 22:34

She's concerned about your children

polly, there's a big lesbian flirtfest going on right now on another thread. Come and join us

ILoveYouToo · 20/06/2011 22:34

"But since then she's been cold on and off, although she's not wanted to talk about it further (I did offer early on, but she refused unless another friend came along to "support" her."

OP I know it must be really painful to lose a friendship that you considered a close one, but this woman sounds like an utter twat. She needed 'support' to discuss the fact that you're gay??

I know revenge must be a tempting idea, but rise above it; blank her completely from here on in; unfortunately, she is clearly not the person you thought she was during your friendship.

Stars82 · 20/06/2011 22:36

what is her concerns??? :)

Poledra · 20/06/2011 22:47

"She says she's concerned about my children"

You what? That could only be the case if you were genuinely locking them in the cellar and beating them regularly, and I thought that was a joke

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