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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to let her tyres down?!.........

78 replies

pollyblue · 17/06/2011 23:29

.....or something equally childish.

I realised a couple of days ago that I've been 'dumped' by a friend. A couple of days before that she came along for a drink with half a dozen other friends, that I'd arranged. She's been a bit frosty with me lately but I invited her along, sent her a couple of texts saying 'came you come?' and then to let her know which night seemed to suit everyone. She had plenty of time/chance to say "no, actually I can't stand you anymore and don't want to come." Evening was all very civilised, although she was a bit cool with me still.

Day or two after that I noticed she's removed me as a friend on facebook. (don't you just love facebook?). I use it very rarely, but is a good way to keep in touch with a friend abroad, and I'd been on it on and off over last week or so, talking to him. That's how I noticed she'd gone from my friends list, and knew when she'd removed herself.

I'm as sure as I can be that it's because she found out, six months ago, that I'm gay. We were very good friends, texting/speaking most days and seeing each other at least one a week. She swore at the time that she was ok with it, I was her friend and that was that. But since then she's been cold on and off, although she's not wanted to talk about it further (I did offer early on, but she refused unless another friend came along to "support" her. I said I'd rather not discuss it with anyone else for the time being, so we reached stalemate there.)

I suppose I've really got the hump because she's not spoken to me, or even sent me a text saying 'actually, i don't like this and I'd rather we didn't see each other anymore.' I didn't say anything about it when we went out few days ago, was on my best behaviour because I thought maybe she was thawing and we might be able to get back to being friendly. She was a good laugh and I miss her company. But she's decided to 'unfriend' me now without a word or given me the chance to answer back. Am Angry about that.

So wise MNetters, please can i let her tyres down?!

(apologies for going on a bit)

OP posts:
Pendeen · 18/06/2011 01:33

polly

How long had you been friends?

After how many years did you make your announcement?

How did you do this?

There is probably a very simple lreason for her reaction.

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 18/06/2011 01:43

She sounds like a turd and you are way better off without her.

Jux · 18/06/2011 02:52

She's a bitch. With that attitude, she's got to be at least 93 and has been lying to you about her age. Good riddance to her.

Sorry for you, though and yanbu.

Jux · 18/06/2011 02:54

Though a fish in I her exhaust pipe might be amusing.

Kewcumber · 18/06/2011 11:17

well the simple reason Pendeen, would be that she has a problem with the OP being gay.

Though of course as I pointed out there could well be some other reason. Bcasue tbh (I've had two friends who have told me many many years after we've been friends) however the message is imparted, even if a bit clumsily, any friend wrth their salt goes out of their way to make clear that it makes no difference becasue, well, it makes no difference.

I will take that back if it transpires that the OP gave her a bit snog with tongue just after telling.

Original poster
pollyblue · 18/06/2011 14:58

Kew no I did not snog her! Grin The evening I told her we were both quite squiffy, and it came about because I was (probably not v subtly due to being away on a liquor vapour cloud) eyeing up someone I've known for a while and my (ex) friend twigged. She was shocked, mainly because she can't stand the woman in question and thinks she's v unattractive, but said it didn't bother her at all and wouldn't affect our friendship. She seemed more appalled that i could fancy someone that she thought was not attractive. We'd been close friends for 4 years when this happened.

I just wish she could've talked to me at some point since then (because this happened 6 months back), even if it was just to say that she didn't feel she could be friends any more.

I do like the fish up the exhaust pipe idea.......but am still (just about!) trying to cling to the moral high ground...

OP posts:
Original poster
pollyblue · 18/06/2011 15:00

So I guess I can blame it on the drink to an extent - the drunk her was ok with it, but the sober cold-light-of-day her was/is not.

OP posts:
smithereenies · 18/06/2011 15:06

I've had a couple of friends dump me in the last few years and it can be really painful. Both times I think they misinterpreted things. I let it go at the time and now I think maybe I should have said something. Could you give it one last go - text or email her and just ask why she appears to have dumped you? I (almost) regret not finding out more definitely and putting my side of the story. If it is because you're gay then that is ridiculous and she is a stupid bigot you'd be better off without. But maybe it is something else? You're probably angry with her right now but I'd advise at least asking what is up

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 18/06/2011 15:10

She'll be one of those people. You know, the ones who think any person who is gay and of their gender will pounce on them at the first opportunity. Hmm I see that with some men I know. If they find out a man is gay, the first thing they do is say how if he tries it on with them, they'll punch him.

Funnily enough, the people who hold these views are invariably troglodites who couldn't get someone of either gender to touch them with a ten foot bargepole.

Drives me nuts. You wouldn't assume that every straight person of the opposite sex was waiting to drag you into the bushes, would you?

Makes me want to scream "They're GAY! They're not blind and brainless and have no sense of smell! They wouldn't touch you with someone else's bargepole!"

Original poster
pollyblue · 18/06/2011 15:59

Magnificent, I did wonder about that but we've known each other for a few years now so surely if I was going to throw myself on her she'd realise I'd have done it by now?

smithereens, half of me wants to do that, but she really has only changed towards me since this happened so I really can't think what else it could be - we've hardly seen each other since then and she replies v briefly to any texts I've sent her. I did try to arrange to talk with her about it a few days afterwards but she refused unless another friend came along - the other friend she wanted to bring is lovely but I didn't really want to talk about it infront of anyone else - esp someone who hadn't been there with us on the night - and I was a bit hurt that she felt she couldn't see me without "backup" (or that's how it felt).

OP posts:
smithereenies · 18/06/2011 16:04

oh right - she wanted someone to come along...if you were close to her and miss her, maybe you could give her the benefit of the doubt and think maybe she didn't want a big scene or anything too heavy and that was why she wanted someone else there? All you can really do before getting into plotting letting her tyres down and then walking away with dignity instead (!) is to email (please don't text, its a crap way of communicating something important) her and just say something like - 'I noticed you defriended me on facebook, and your attitude to me has clearly changed in the last 6 months. For my own peace of mind, and out of respect for our previous friendship, could you please explain why you seem to no longer want to be friends with me. After I know that I won't bring it up again'

You can't force anyone to be your friend as I've realised - but you do owe it to yourself - and maybe her - although she has been cowardly - to find out her reasons.....

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 18/06/2011 16:06

Rather optimistic of you to expect logical thinking and rational behaviour from someone who backs away from you when they are told you are gay and who would need 'support' to discuss it with you.

Support. I laughed so hard at that I thought I was going to turn my arse inside out. There there pet, it's ok, I'll hold your hand while your mate discusses her sexuality with you even though it's none of your damn business anyway.

Wouldn't it be great to live in a world where it really didn't matter? I mean, I have never had to sit down and tell someone that I like blokes. "I just thought you should know I am straight." It's a strange thing, the requirement to announce your sexuality if it is anything other than hetro. I can't imagine any situation that would require me to know what other people get up to in the bedroom and with which gender. Wouldn't it be great if it just didn't matter? I'm straight. So what. I'm gay. Big whoop. I'm bi. Who cares. And all that mattered was whether you were a good person or not.

Pumpernickel10 · 18/06/2011 16:09

pollyblue she's sounds like no friend at all. No friend would turn their back on you because your gay, does she think shes that hot that you'll jump her? I'd say to her if you ever see her again "don't worry love I won't jump you, you are so not my type" walk off dignity in tact :)

brass · 18/06/2011 16:10

perhaps she feels that if you were such good friends how come you didn't tell her right from the beginning? How come you were pretending to be something else for 4 years?

springbokscantjump · 18/06/2011 16:11

I'm amazed that in this day and age people still 'come out' - I just can't imagine it being a big deal. I know realistically that it is for some people but really? I just can't get why.

Being nosey, how old is your friend? I'm desperate to relegate her to a fuddy duddy 'remember the war' stereotype.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 18/06/2011 16:24

But brass, why should someone have to announce their sexuality?

I have never had a straight person do it. I have never felt that if I didn't know someone's sexuality and years down the line found out they were straight that they were pretending to be something else.

It's just the whole idea that if you are not straight, then the people in your life are somehow entitled to a grand announcement of this that is really odd to me. I don't understand it.

Maybe I should get all my family round and tell them all I like cock.

Grin

but that would be really weird, wouldn't it?

Straight people are just people. Gay people are Gay People and should inform everyone of this fact because it is Who They Are.

Original poster
pollyblue · 18/06/2011 16:25

brass, I haven't been pretending to be anything, it just hasn't come up. I've never asked her about her sex life either Smile. If the woman I fancied hadn't been there that night and we weren't squiffy, it probably wouldn't have come up then either.

spring, she's early thirties.

smithereens I do realise that doing something like letting tyres down is far from dignified! Smile It's not something I would really do, just a letting -off -steam vocal response to being un-friended (if that's the word) without a word.

Pumpernickel, that's a good response.

OP posts:
Original poster
pollyblue · 18/06/2011 16:29

Magnificent, that just about sums up how I see it. I can see it might have shocked her because she would've assumed I'm straight, that's fair enough. But how does my fancying a woman change me so much from the person I was five minutes before I said that? I then had to listen to her going on about how pug-ugly she thought this woman was.

OP posts:
TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 18/06/2011 16:30

It doesn't change you at all. It just shows you what she is, that's all.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 18/06/2011 16:56

So trying to be charitiable, could it be she thought you were such good friends that finding out after so long has hurt her feelings and left her not knowing if she knows you as well as she thought?

sunshineandbooks · 18/06/2011 16:59

Instead of feeling hurt and understandably angry about it, try to consider it a lucky escape. Do you really want to be friends with someone who can treat you like that? I bet she displays prejudice about all sorts of other things as well if you think back hard enough.

Sorry it hurts though.

Triathlete · 18/06/2011 17:04

You're well rid of her. And no, don't let her tyres down, you're better than that.

create · 18/06/2011 17:19

Well, if I had a "close" friend who waited four years to tell me she was gay (when other close friends knew) I think I'd be a bit put out. Not because she was gay, but because if she'd led me to believe we were good friends and (probably) I'd shared details of my personal life with her, I'd expect her to share the same with me. I'd also feel she'd been dishonest with me about who she really was. I'm not sure really how you can descibe someone as close and not share that.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 18/06/2011 17:47

Do you share hetrosexuality? Have you (assuming you are straight) ever announced the fact? "I just wanted to let you know that I am straight." Has that ever come out of anyone's mouth ever in the history of the world? Why do people who are gay have to tell people? Announce it where hetrosexual people don't? What is it about sleeping with someone of the same sex that makes it Who You Really Are, when the same does not apply to hetrosexuality?

It's almost as though hetrosexual is the default, the norm, the right and proper way and if you are not hetrosexual, then you have an obligation to alert people to the fact. I don't think you do.

create · 18/06/2011 17:51

Yes, Magnificent, if I was chatting to a close friend I would soemtimes talk about my realtionships with and attraction to men. And if a friend had shared those kind of conversations with me without telling me she didn't feel the same way, I would feel she had allowed me to take her into my confidence dishonestly