to wish someone would buy me a rack

[Empusa]

And yes, I do mean one of these

I'm barely able to move my back today, feels like I need someone to grab each end of my spine and pull, and maybe bend it kind of like you would with one of these

Painkillers aren't touching it, and I'm bored of lying down.

Gah.

Have you tried a TENS. I have a woefully inadequate l5/s1. When it is really painful I use the TENS. it obviously doesn't cure the problem, but eases the pain.

I'm allergic to even the sensitive TENS pads. Though for the brief amount of time I could use the machine it was wonderful!

What is wrong with your back? Would manipulation help? I know from experience that laying around is dull and unhelpful. The best thing IME is to move around gently.
Have you tried deepheat or raljex?

How about shiatsu massage?
I would love one right now.
They'd gladly be as gently forceful as you need.