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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you be happy with a same age friend having a sexual relationship with your teenage son?

92 replies

organictwat · 15/06/2011 08:57

A friend of mine has an 18 year old son, he is secretly having a relationship with a woman she knows (both women in their early 40's) that the mother doesn't know about.

Personally I wouldn't be happy with this if I were (knowingly) in this situation and I'm wondering how other women would feel?

OP posts:

pleasekeepcalmandcarryon · 15/06/2011 11:40

I wouldn't be happy but once a child is 18 you can offer advice but ultimately have to put up and shut up if they choose not to listen to you.

I would not remain friends with the woman though and I wouldn't allow them to conduct their relationship in my home.

Like expat I had two relationships with older men (both mid thirties) when I was 17 and 19. One was my college lecturer, with hindsight I think it was creepy and I think both men lacked a certain maturity and probably took advantage of my naiveness. I suspect these days the college lecturer would have been sacked for his behaviour- I wasn't the only one to fall prey!

expatinscotland · 15/06/2011 11:44

Mine was a university profession, too.

expatinscotland · 15/06/2011 11:44

professor, sorry.

wineisfine · 15/06/2011 11:48

My H had a sex-only relationship with a friend of his mother's. He was 17/18 and the woman was late 30s/early 40s.

His mother did know but that didn't come out til much later. He isn't phased about it now, but having heard what they got up to (I am nosy), I think it was 'too much too soon' - she was into some quite outre stuff - and he has said it made subsequent relationships with girls his own age slightly difficult for a couple of years as there was such a difference in experience and expectations.

She very much persued him, which is the thing I think would bother me the most if it were to happen with one of my DCs and one of my friends.

wineisfine · 15/06/2011 11:50

Should add, this woman and MIL are still friends. I have never forgotton her (the woman), cornering me in the bathroom at a family party once years back and making it VERY CLEAR what had gone on between her and H (we got together mid-20s). If I hadn't already known it would've been very disconcerting/upsetting.

expatinscotland · 15/06/2011 11:57

She sounds a bit unhinged, wine.

minipie · 15/06/2011 12:00

What expat says.

I know an 18 year old is legally an adult but most of them are still pretty inexperienced and immature. A 40+ year old who has a relationship with them is, IMO, likely to be taking advantage. Of either gender.

I do wonder whether the reactions on this thread would have been the same if it was an 18 year old DD and a 40+ year old male friend.

threefeethighandrising · 15/06/2011 12:56

A close friend of mine had a relationship with a 30 year old woman when she was 15. It lasted 4 years. I would have been very uncomfortable with it, had my friend not done all the pursuing. But actually, they had a good relationship, which ended as they eventually grew apart as my friend's horizons broadened as she grew older.

Perhaps risk pf pregnancy does make a difference, had she been interested in men and done the same with an older man instead, I suppose I might have been worried that she would get trapped.

(My friend is now in her late 30s and happily married to a woman the same age)

threefeethighandrising · 15/06/2011 12:58

I suppose also I was the same age as my friend so I saw it from a teenagers perspective at the time.

If the roles were reversed and a friend my age started seeing someone so young now, I would feel very differently.

chipmonkey · 15/06/2011 13:10

Wineisfine she sounds like a bunny-boiler!

TheOriginalFAB · 15/06/2011 13:19

When I was 19 I lived with a man of 35 for quite a while. I liked him being older but now I think OMG and wouldn't like DD doing the same.

jacobdezoet · 15/06/2011 13:29

I think it happens all the time.
I think you can't possibly make any judgment about it hypothetically. It's up to the two adults involved what they do and the decisions they make.
Attraction isn't really logical is it?

Allinabinbag · 15/06/2011 13:30

Sadly, plenty of male professors (but of course not all) do still see it as a perk of the job to have relationships/sex with their students, and the fact that there are plenty of willing students lining up to have relationships/sex with them doesn't help. You wouldn't necessarily get sacked for it if the person was 18+, although most universities do have a code of conduct which makes you declare the relationship and certainly not mark the work of someone you are sleeping with.

It's 'icky' but if anything, I think girls are more prone to finding much older partners than boys. And of course, some of these flings do result in long-term relationships/families, plenty of professors have prettier younger wives who they would never have been able to get when they were 18 themselves.

peanutbutterkid · 15/06/2011 13:39

I do wonder whether the reactions on this thread would have been the same if it was an 18 year old DD and a 40+ year old male friend.

I'd probably threaten (ever so nicely ) to kill him if he did anything to hurt her. So yes am more protective in that respect, but girls are more vulnerable, that's just respecting biology. Beyond that I wouldn't cut off the friendship, etc. I guess I'd ask either (boy or girl) what they "saw" in the older partner.

I'd rate it as a huge bonus that the teen boy's 40+yo girlfriend was unlikely to produce children....

mummytime · 15/06/2011 13:41

Allinabinbag - is that still the case? Because I know a lot of places have tightened up a lot on the consequences for Tutor/student relationships. It did used to be common (and they weren't all straight either, I remember one Professor entertaining a students father and us all wondering if the father had a clue what the professor and the son were getting up to).

I know in the US it can be a major disciplinary offence, and Oxford lost a Professor of Poetry over some allegations of past impropriety.

expatinscotland · 15/06/2011 13:42

'and the fact that there are plenty of willing students lining up to have relationships/sex with them doesn't help.'

He was very flattering and very smooth in his approach. He really listened to me, he seemed very cultured and mature and was excellent conversation. He gave me many thoughtful gifts and took me to the theatre, opera, ballet, good restaurants. I wasn't exactly some Jezebel, and he took his time with it - it was nearly a year after we met (and yes, he was still my instructor) that he kissed me after a boat cruise with rather a lot of wine involved and made it clear he wouldn't mind a sexual relationship. Of course, by this time I did have feelings for him far beyond the platonic, but not all students are there with their legs spread on the first day of term.

Still, looking back on it, yeah, there's no way any 18-year-old guy could have been able to match him in seduction techniques.

AngryFeet · 15/06/2011 13:42

When I was doing my ALevels a friend was in a relationship with her Dads friend - she was 18 he was 43. They ended up getting married and having two children (although they have since divorced) but it tore her family apart. I just find the whole thing a bit creepy.

expatinscotland · 15/06/2011 13:43

Exactly, mummy. In two humanities departments I was in in the late 80s/early 90s, both gay and straight liasons between students and tutors/lecturers/professions, with corresponding age gaps were not uncommon.

wineisfine · 15/06/2011 14:08

I think there's a big difference between a relationship with a massive age gap and a relationship with someone who has known you since you were a child with a massive age gap IYSWIM?

I find it hard to imagine how someone could be sexually attracted to someone they'd seen grow up - son/daughter of a friend etc.

5GoMadOnAZ650 · 15/06/2011 14:15

When I was 21 I was in a relationship with a 39 year old friend of my parents (my parents were 40 & 41 at the time) we are still together nearly 8 years later.

quirrelquarrel · 15/06/2011 15:52

She doesn't have a daughter called Elaine, does she?

Cos you know what happened to them.

peanutbutterkid · 15/06/2011 18:32

I find it hard to imagine how someone could be sexually attracted to someone they'd seen grow up - son/daughter of a friend etc.

My mom did it, had a fling with a man who was 17 yrs her junior and a mate of my brothers'; he claimed that he had fancied her ever since he was 8 yrs old. They were both in it for the sex. The relationship fizzled out but they remained good friends until her death.

pink4ever · 15/06/2011 18:49

I had a relationship at 18 with a man who was 34(friend of my uncles-my family went mental!). Also my dh and his friends all had sex with another of their friends mother. My dh thinks it was only a laugh but I was horrified when he told me. Dh also had sex with a much older woman when he worked in a bar. His brother told his mum and she got her pal to phone dh and pretend to be the woman. They all thought it was hilarious.
I would knock the shit out of an older woman going after my ds!!.

noddyholder · 15/06/2011 18:52

My ds is 17 the thought of any of my mates going anywhere near him is comical tbh. If it did happen I would probably turn into the witch from hell and try to put a stop to it whereas if it was happening to a friend of mine I would say butt out and let him get on with it it will fizzle out. double standard emoticon needed I think

toptramp · 15/06/2011 20:18

Why would you care how old she is? Not all older women are predatory. Men love it. As long as she was a nice women then I wouldn't mind. He probably sees it as a rite of passage and he's probably getting a lot of great sex.

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