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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you be happy with a same age friend having a sexual relationship with your teenage son?

92 replies

organictwat · 15/06/2011 08:57

A friend of mine has an 18 year old son, he is secretly having a relationship with a woman she knows (both women in their early 40's) that the mother doesn't know about.

Personally I wouldn't be happy with this if I were (knowingly) in this situation and I'm wondering how other women would feel?

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 15/06/2011 10:11

No, I would NOT be happy about it. I would lose all respect for my "friend" too.

Mamaz0n · 15/06/2011 10:14

it is rather common around here for women in their 30's to be in formal relationships with teenage boys.
For example, mother at the school is 30 odd, just had a baby with a now 18 year old. He was 17 when they got together. He was still doing sea cadets ffs.

To me it is vile and i would be doing my very best to halt any such relationship if it were my son. But sadly it is legal and there is very little you can actually do about it

Allinabinbag · 15/06/2011 10:14

Don't see anything wrong with it, except for the betrayal of trust of the friend. Apart from that, if he was 18 and leaving home for uni, he could be sleeping with pretty much anyone so I think it's funny to get huffy about it.

And what age gap is acceptable? Plenty of girls have relationships with men 10-20 years older than themselves.

diddl · 15/06/2011 10:18

"And what age gap is acceptable? "

I guess for me it´s gatting a bit "icky" if you are old enough to be a parent to the person you are seeing.

LetThereBeCake · 15/06/2011 10:22

what MrsDrOwenHunt said :o

peanutbutterkid · 15/06/2011 10:28

I guess it wouldn't really bother me, puzzle me maybe, but not make me upset with either (until she broke his heart & then maybe I'd hate her). I can think of so much worse partners for a teenage boy to hook up with. I'd ask them both to be low-key about it. Unless they progressed to wanting to get married, in which case all the "You're too young please wait a few years" words would kick in.

EricNorthmansMistress · 15/06/2011 10:30

It's acceptable when there is parity of emotional maturity between the partners. Age isn't the key factor - but an 18 year old of either gender will never have the emotional maturity of a 40 year old. If the 40 year old has the emotional maturity of an 18 year old then they are probably quite damaged and not a good idea for the 18 year old. Or they have learning difficulties and also not a great idea for an 18 year old who is likely to outgrow them as time goes on.

Mamaz0n · 15/06/2011 10:44

I don't have an issue with age gap relationships if the pair are of similar levels of maturity. SO for example a 30 year old and a 60 year old would cause no issue for me at all.

But a 40 year old and an 18 year old, despite being a smaller gap is very different imho. They aren't both of similar levels of maturity and life experience. It doesn't matter how grown up the 18 yo thinks they are or how immature the 40 yo is, they just aren't of an equal footing.

expatinscotland · 15/06/2011 10:47

I'd not be happy about it, but I'd not try to stop it, either. The person would no longer be my friend, either.

The difference, often enough when it's the man who is older, is that the woman still has the opportunity to reproduce even way down the line. If they stay together, and it does happen, and she decides she wants a child when she's 35 and he's 55, it's possibility. Whereas for the male, it's not. That's biology.

EveHarrington · 15/06/2011 11:01

So apparently, an older women should forgo a younger man simply because she may, further down the line, not have the opportunity to give him children ...

wordsonapage · 15/06/2011 11:05

I dislike intensely the phrase "give him children"
They're not presents.

CrapolaDeVille · 15/06/2011 11:06

I would be gutted..

BooyHoo · 15/06/2011 11:11

my son is 5 so no i wouldn't be happy about that.

but if he was 18, i think i would have more of a problem with the fact that the friend and him were keeping it from me. moreso with the friend probably.

i'm sure my son's will have relationships with people i wouldn't necessarily choose for them at some point or another. but that's teh joy of living in a free country, it isn't up to me to choose for my dcs when they are adults. they get to make their own choices and own their decisions themselves.

LadyBeagleEyes · 15/06/2011 11:20

As an older woman I cannot understand what a woman of my age would see in an 18 year old.
Sorry, maybe it's just me.
When my son hits 18 he'll obviously make his own decisions and that's in only a couple of years, but I can't see him looking at anyone the same age as his mum.
It's just weird to me. And I would probably want to kill her too.

expatinscotland · 15/06/2011 11:23

'So apparently, an older women should forgo a younger man simply because she may, further down the line, not have the opportunity to give him children ...'

I never said that. I pointed out that it is difference when it comes to relationships where there is a large age gap.

So right back at you.

One person is a teen, not a 30-year-old who has enough life experience to consider some aspects of life, as Mamazon pointed out.

WowOoo · 15/06/2011 11:24

Wouldn't be happy with that.

When I was younger I was the 'older woman'. He was 19, I was 26. I still felt like a perv.
It was a fling and we both knew what we wanted.

I'd only feel queasy if it was my son with an older lady. Same if I had a daughter.

Nuttychic · 15/06/2011 11:24

I would really not be happy about it at all!! My two older sons are 21 and 20 and it would do my head in! Having their friends round, etc all the time - I cannot see how a woman that age could look at them in that way.

I would loose all respect for the woman to Im afraid as it is just very odd to me.

expatinscotland · 15/06/2011 11:24

'I dislike intensely the phrase "give him children"
They're not presents.'

I do as well, that's why I don't use the phrase.

As a 40-year-old woman myself, I also don't see the appeal of an 18-year-old even 'just for sex'.

mrsravelstein · 15/06/2011 11:25

anecdotally, i think it's not totally uncommon for 18 year old boys to have a first relationship (even if purely sexual and therefore sort of 'secret') with an older woman who is part of the mother's social circle.

i'm not saying i'd love it if it was my sons, nor that i can especially see the attraction as a 39 year woman myself, but i definitely have male friends who did it.

create · 15/06/2011 11:28

I'd hate it, but don't know what I could do about it - in fact trying to do anything would be a bad thing.

When I was a teenager my friend's mum went out with a 19yo she knew through being involved with Scouts. His mum hated it, tried to stop it and they haven't spoken since. They married when he was 21 and are still together and run Cubs together now. They're a lovely couple actually, although he aged far beyond his years very quickly - to look at them now, you'd think they were about the same age! Actually c. 45 & 63

superjobeespecs · 15/06/2011 11:29

when i was 20 one of my mates was 16 and really into me, luckily i have my lovely OH who didnt mind but it made me feel like a dirty old lady he was still at school and even tho he was of age it'd just be a bit ick. like i cant look at zac efron or taylor lautner without feeling dirty even tho zac is around my age i think. my OH is 8 yrs older than me and i found it hard at first IMHO i like couples that are ages with each other by a yr or 2 but we all break the mould lol. anyone tried it on with my DD at 18 they'd get a good talking to especially if they were a family friend and if i have a DS in future the same'd happen to the cougar that tried to snap him up.

expatinscotland · 15/06/2011 11:32

When I was 19 I had a sexual affair with a 43-year-old man. Looking back now, I think he rather took advantage of my lack of life experience and immaturity. I thought I was sophisticated and grown-up enough to know what I was doing, but tbh, I wasn't.

BooyHoo · 15/06/2011 11:35

create, i agree with you. hate it as much as you like but if you try and stop it, your child is going to do the one thing you are trying to prevent.

my mum disliked my first boyfriend at 17. she didn't know him but had heard of his family and didn't like what she had heard so she tried all sorts to stop me seeing him. all she did was push me closer to him and his family. i couldn't talk to her about my relationship but of course i needed to talk to someone, so there his mum was totally open to talk and support me. i felt more and more pushed out of my own family and i became closer and closer to his. i became pregnant with his baby and now have an eternal link with him. this was exactly what my mum didn't want to happen and her attempts to sabotage my relationship only made me hold onto it far longer than i should have.

borderslass · 15/06/2011 11:37

When I was 16 nearly 17 I started a 2 year relationship with a man who was 43 looking back he took advantage I fell out with my family over him and everything BUT at 18 it is up to them to make their own mistakes sometimes it works out other times it doesn't.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 15/06/2011 11:39

I'd feel punchy, but would restrain myself. But she would no longer be my friend. I'm 32, and I don't see the appeal of teenage boys. It makes me a bit sick in my mouth, tbh.

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