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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to think that women with less children than me should wind their necks in...

102 replies

bentpenny · 14/06/2011 19:26

Just a quick one but my youngest ds had the most almighty tantrum today on the school run and one mum actually stood watching and smirking like it was some kind of spectator sport. Another one of the school run charmers shook her head and tutted. It's amazing what bitches women can be when we all know how hard it can be.

Another woman today gave me a long lecture with top tips and advice about how to pooty train my youngest. She has 1 child.

Ok, thats it -rant over. But do you ever get the feeling that some women think that anything more than 2 dc's with 5 years apart and a nanny is frankly a despicable thing to do.

OP posts:

CRS · 14/06/2011 22:33

I have one child, but deal with lots and lots every day. My colleague has no children, but is responsible for 28 every day. Having more/any doesn't make you "better" in any way. My sister in law has none - she is great with her many nieces and nephews, and gave me invaluable advice when mine was small.

ReindeerBollocks · 14/06/2011 22:36

*calm

dementedma · 14/06/2011 22:43

I have 3, sis had 5.
I had DD first and she was a fiend, screamer, clingy, wouldn't sleep etc. Sis then had her first DC and she was a dream, smiley, happy, sleeping through etc. Sis was smug and wondered why I was struggling as it really wasn't that difficult!
Then sis had DC 2 - bwa ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Fecking little horror - ugly as sin and did nothing but scream for his entire first year. meanwhile I had my DC2 - chubby, adorable, smily and just gorgeous! Karma sis, karma!!!
(Should add that little horror is now 6 feet tall and drop dead handsome lol)

minxofmancunia · 14/06/2011 22:46

I have 2 dcs I do oksih sometimes and not so oksih sometimes too. I do however meet families often with 4+ children in my line of work who need my advice sometimes on the most basic of things.

more children doesn't equal more expert or "better" in face i would often argue the opposite

Also why be "full of admiration" for families with more than 2??? It's their choice sorry if I come across as hard hearted but that's the way I feel. Everyone knows it's bloody stressful why make life more difficult for yourself on purpose?

minxofmancunia · 14/06/2011 22:50

And re the whole "advice" bit generally, people often comment on how good my 2 are sleep wise and have been since 4 and 6 months old. I could reply "oh yes just luck" beezily but no, my reply "it's because of the hard work i put in in the early days" and no I'm not talking cc just graft and common sense

Mumcentreplus · 14/06/2011 22:59

minx that's how I feel...why should my admiration be based on your feelings ...I'm glad your 2 sleep well my DD1 sadly does not and probably will not..but then neither did I

FreudianSlipper · 14/06/2011 23:08

i do not think it has anything to do with having more children. i have a friend who has seven and never lectures anyone, though i do ask advice at times as we have a similar approach. i have another friend who has one like me and loves to lecture anyone who will listen, we have very different ideas on parenting. also taken advice from a friend who has no children. ds would not stop crying (unusual for him) i was tired and ratty and she jsut reminded me that its his way of communicating, i didn't think well how would she know

Mumcentreplus · 14/06/2011 23:18

That's the point no parent or not knows everything or deals with everything in the appropriate manner...that does not mean people do not react or have valid feelings,experience or knowledge because they have more or less children, but I would and believe many would be more likely to take the advice of a mother or father with many children...i will not pretend I value the experience of a person with no children over a good parent who has many...it's quite reasonable to accept this...like a person with hands-on experience over a person with book knowledge...seems reasonable to me...

thefirstMrsDeVere · 15/06/2011 08:54

There are plenty of people who assume they are experts the moment they have a child. This is made worse by the whole 'u no best cos u r bubba's mummy hun' type comments.

We all know our children best in lots of ways but being a mother doesnt mean you become a doctor overnight.

I dont find having lots of children anymore stressful than having one. Its not automaticly more stressful and I dont like people moaning how hard it is to have lots of kids either. But then I get a bit when people make a virtue out of having one.

I also despise the way mothers with lots of children are often treated as if they are too stupid to control their fertility. Unless you are Nicola Horlick, having more than two makes you a poor, worn out fool who doesnt know how to stop it happening.

Upper Middle Class + big family = super woman, 'dont know how she does it darling'

Working Class + big family = poor silly woman, the old man (if she has one) probably knocks her up when he gets pissed. It is also perfectly ok to ask if they all have the same dad

Having lots of kids doesnt make you a supermum but it doesnt make you a fool either.

Besides how do you know how many children (one or five) someone has when they offer you advice? They might be out with one or they might be out with 6 that are their nieces and nephews.

Lets all love each other

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 15/06/2011 09:21

Brilliantly put MrsDV

sundayrose10 · 15/06/2011 09:25

OP, I only have one child but I definitely understand what you're saying. This is AIBU, so be prepared for people disagreeing with you just because they can.

sundayrose10 · 15/06/2011 09:27

I also agree with MrsDV!

GabbyLoggon · 15/06/2011 09:39

I first heard the phrase "wind their necks in" when stephen Nolan said it to
me in a 5-Live phone-in. (It made me laugh)

People should not be laughing at stresses woman. Awful

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 15/06/2011 09:49

I spent most of my childhood being told to wind my neck in pain in the arse child I was Love the phrase, says so much.

LadyBeagleEyes · 15/06/2011 10:22

Well I only have the one who's a teen now.
I do think there's can be a rather smug attitude from mums with multiple children on MN.
I feel sorry when someone comes on and has a moan about how stressed she is with her one toddler, then another comes and says Oh but wait till you have 2, then it'll be someone who says Well you should try having 5 etc etc.
They can get very competitive. And if it's that hard, why did they not just stop at one.?
And then mum with one who was looking for support is made to feel inadequate.
I also smile at mums with kids having tantrums, in empathy.
Won't do it again.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 15/06/2011 10:49

I hate that too lady it makes me cringe. (when people say 'oh you wait') TBH I find the people who say that most usually have two kids not loads. They are still in that shock that comes after one and before three.

When your PFB gets a bit bigger and you think 'I can do this again no probs' and you have another and realise having two is NOT just like having two IYSWIM .

I only have three at home out of my five so its not like I am the old woman who lives in a shoe but I dont feel its harder than having your first child. Far from it.

I wish people would remember what it was like to have your first baby. We would all be a bit kinder if we did.

Ok I can get a 1, 3 and an 8 year old (with SN) out of the house by 7am now but 19 years ago I was virtually housebound by the needs of my (very easy) DD!

I am nothing special I have just had loads of practice, chose to have more kids and needs must. Simple as that.

Lady I am going to continue smiling at the parents of tantruming toddlers. I think you should too. For every one that imagines you to be a patronizing cow there will be 10 who are thankful for the solidarity you offer.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 15/06/2011 10:50

We say 'pull yer neck in' round here

MooMooFarm · 15/06/2011 10:55

Haven't read the whole thread so may be nothing to do with it - but I used to work with a woman who said that having any more than two children was 'council house mentality' - whatever that meant......

Anyway she had one child then had problems conceiving again so went for IVF - and ending up having twins

PotPourri · 15/06/2011 11:26

I have loads of children, and many of my issues are due to the crowd control element of having so many, so close together (no, the big ones can't look after the littles ones - yet).

I would agree with Mumcentreplus. It's logical that someone who seems to have things under control and seems a good parent with lots of children will be more likely to be able to offer more experience based tips. Some things are general and you can get advice from anyone who has had that experience - e.g. the art of breastfeeding etc. But I do find that I take advice mostly from other mums who have lots of children, close together - as like I said, most of my issues are related to that fact (e.g. how do you entertain 4 under 5 year olds whilst making the dinner and dealing with a screaming newborn...)

Nasty woman tutting at you when you were doing your best - which is all we can do at the end of the day!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 15/06/2011 11:48

Someone with four DCs under 5 has more experience probably of parenting pre-schoolers than someone with one DC under 5.

But they don't yet have experience of parenting a DC of 8/9/10/14, nor have they had time to have reaped what they've sown (ie they've yet to see how their parenting of their 5yo has influenced their DC's behaviour a few years down the line).

I do wonder where all these tutters and headshakers live though. I have never seen them. And that has nothing to do with me being a fabulous parent (I'm not) with a perfectly behaved child (he isn't)

EricNorthmansMistress · 15/06/2011 12:05

fewer children

NormanTebbit · 15/06/2011 13:19

I have three aged 2,4 6 and I do remember some times getting a look from the new mothers with immaculate Stokke prams everywhere. There was a particularly bad moment when walking home withDD1 in filthy school uniform and her legs streaked with mud, DD2 snotty and crying and DD3 sitting in a pool of urine because I'd had to take her explosive nappy off and didn't have a spare.

To some extent these mothers have no idea what it is like but I am also fairly dreamy and disorganised so I suspect I would be the same with 1 or with 5. Am rubbish at potty training, truly terrible.

peanutbutterkid · 15/06/2011 13:44

OP: I know where you are coming from. Just grit your teeth & ignore.
to be fair, I was probably just as judgemental when I only had none/one, so it's penance for some of us.

paisleyII · 15/06/2011 16:20

ladybeagle - i agree with you totally, you hit the nail on the head

QueenofDreams · 15/06/2011 16:37

Hmm, I'm not sure the number of children you have is the issue. It's all about some people being smug. One woman I know is unbelievably smug about how much she loves being a mum etc. She doesn't understand people who say having kids is stressful.

Well she has one not yet mobile baby who is 'relentlessly smiley'. Very happy for her but that is her baby. My DS was a screamer for pretty much the entire first year of his life. I got about 2-3 hours sleep a night if I was lucky and yes it was stressful.

She gives me 'concerned advice' about how to make my house look tidier - 'have you trired lining those books on the shelf instead of stacking them?' Told her she's welcome to try, but to be aware that my 2yr old will instantly chuck them all on the floor then stack them up in a pile on the shelf again.

I would not resent good advice from her because she's only got one child. What I do resent is her unbelievably smug attitude as if she is now the fount of all wisdom on all matters child related because she happens to have a happy baby

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