to want a fair split between work and childcare responsibilities (long, sorry)?

[ellsbellls]

First ever MN post (although I am a long time lurker) so please be gentle with me... Issue as follows and I'd be really grateful for your views and advice:

The heart of the problem is money and mine and DP's differing views on its importance to our lives and happiness. As background, we've been together three yrs and are expecting our first child (imminently, I'm due next week).

DP earns very well and has what most would consider a fantastic work/life balance (think 10 weeks hol per year plus a standard 4 day working week). However, he hates his job, finds it very stressful and draining and doesn't get on with his colleagues at all. He moans about it A LOT! His negative feelings are undoubtedly compounded by the fact that he has saved/inherited a considerable amount of money and probably wouldn't have to work again at all if he didn't choose to. He occasionally admits that he has probably become a bit lazy and can't really be bothered.

I also have a very good job with good terms although not on his league. I earn less than 50% of what he does and don't have any savings. I enjoy my job (relatively speaking) and get on well with colleagues although I can have patches of high stress and long hours.

We currently live in a house which I own. I pay the whole of the mortgage and also pay all day to day living expenses. DP pays for holidays, breaks away, meals out - big one off stuff. This is a source of contention between us as I don't think it works out fairly. He saves nearly his entire salary while I am down to zero every month.

DP is constantly planning for the future when he says he will buy us a house outright so that there will be no mortgage to pay. However, in return for living in this house I will be expected to work full-time to pay for all household living expenses plus holidays etc which he doesn't want to do without.. in order that he doesn't have to dip into any of his savings (he doesn't express it in quite this way but that's what it boils down to). He is likely to go part time or give up work entirely in a few years time, if not before. He sees the purchase of this house as his contribution to our lives and the rest is down to me. The house is completely unimportant to me. I am happy where we are now and don't see the need for anything bigger/better. I have told him this.

The issue is I think that I will be incredibly jealous and resentful of him playing the main role as child carer while I have to work full-time. I can't understand why he wouldn't want to share this in a more equal way with me when it is something that I have told him is important to me. I don't want him to stay in a job he hates but I feel that if we sacrificed some of the more expensive things that we have been used to doing (holidays etc..) then we would both be able to have a more equal work/life balance. Ideally I would like to go part-time while children are pre-school and then I would return full-time. He says that he doesn't want us to struggle. But in effect he is saying that going on expensive holidays etc.. is more important than me spending time with my family (even for a few years). I find this so mean and miserly.

I know that ultimately we are both in a very fortunate position and apologies if this comes across as a bit spoilt. I would be very interested in views as I may be missing something... Thanks!

Good Luck, btw.

I dont like the idea that he gets to be benevolent making grand gestures with the big one off payments while you do the daily and tedious grind with the non-stop smaller bills.
Its like hes enjoying playing Father Christmas!
You are giving him such an easy ride he's bound to be a bit reluctant to get off and pull up his proverbial socks.
Offer to change roles for a year/6 months, or write down exactly what youre spending each month.

Show him this post!!

Have you talked to him about the reality of being a SAHP? He could be absolutely brilliant at it, but he needs to be sure that that's what he wants before he gives up his job or cuts down his hours. You might find too that after ten months at home that you're happy that DP wants to look after the little one and you're able to go back to work. At that point he might be ok with you going part time as he will realise that doing it all on his own is harder than he thought!

cottonreels, I doubt the OP's DH would listen. Anyone who can normalise an attitude to money like that, to the point where it influences his 9 months pregnant wife into thinking it's remotely acceptable to get into debt in her name to pay their family home's morgage whilst on maternity leave, isn't going to see the light with a click of the fingers.

I don't have much else to offer the OP, but at least she's hopefully realised that she is not BU, and that despite what her DH says, his suggestions and attitude reek of protecting himself and not really taking on his share of the workload / financial risk / responsibility of the household for their child.

This thread is sending a shiver down my spine. What a sad sad start to motherhood. A partner who is too mean to allow you to stay at home in the precious early years when he easily could. :(.

It sounds like he resents women to be honest and is determined to make you work so you can't be like the ones he hates.

Actually if I were you I would be continuing to work full time and protect myself because I think you're going to need to one way or another.

If he is a SAHP does that give him greater custody rights should you split? My understanding is that a greater amount of custody is usually given to the woman because she is the primary carer. How would you feel about that should you split?

Sorry, I don't mean to say that you WILL split, just that with a partner with his attitude you should think about what might happen.

However, I do come at this from the angle that DH shares all his salary with me and don't understand couples who don't once they have DC so I may be way out on this. I also shared my inheritance with him before we got married though so that's just how we've always been.

He has issues with SAHMs but wants to be a SAHD ? And be funded by you? Think about it please. It's paradoxical.

He just doesn't want to work for whatever reason. He's treating the baby as a get out of jail free card. Why can't he find a job or company he likes? That is the underlying reason I believe. The rest is all noise and made possible by his inheritance. Does he have good self-esteem?

In terms of reality check could you invite a friend with a baby to stay for a week? Infact send him over here and I'll book myself a spa break. I had a high stress loadsamoney job with ghastly co-workers before DD and I am telling you staying at home is much much harder. And I have a relatively easy baby (don't worry If he comes to stay I can arrange a few visits with some very tricky ones!).

What was he planning career wise before the baby was on the horizon??? Did he have plans to give it all up?

I have only read the op.

ARE YOU OFF YOUR FUCKING ROCKER?

Hullygully - succint. But appropriate!

WOAH!!

your opening post is terrifying!! i would hate to be in a relationship with such a selfish person but what worries me far far more is that, although you are posting about it, you seem a bit resigned to this.

this is my take on it. his plans would be a no go. you are a family and all money should be family money, not yours and his. the balance you have at the minute is unfair. you are paying everything. the cost of holidays and meals is nothing compared to running a house and raising children.

what i would do? I wouldn't be with him in the first place. i would sit down with him and tell him that you (both of you) need to have a serious conversation about work and money and that thinghs WILL be changing. then i would leave things until after the baby is born and things have setlled down and then have the conversation. have a think about what you want and maybe write thsi down so you have it to hand when discussing it. but be firm that thinsg will be changing, what changes is negotiable but tehre will be changes.

Please go and see a solicitor- you need to protect your investment in the house- he has not contributed a penny to the mortgage, but if you split he could well claim half, meaning you have to sell-up with a new baby in tow!

I don't see how you actually have a relationship here- do you love this man? Does he actually love you?

It's ridiculous that you should be taking out loans to pay the mortgage on the family home, when he's earning a good salary and has substantial savings - it's an outrageous suggestion in fact. And he justifies it with the promise of buying some fantasy home in the future, which apparently absolves him from making any contribution to the household expenses before or after.... .

He sounds very selfish - not just the refusing to share his money, but insisting on an arrangement that he knows is not what you want and would not make you happy.

Assuming you're not married, you should make sure you know where you'd stand in the event of a split - both in your current situation and the proposed future one.

Sorry op, but having gone through a really shitty divorce, your post scares the living daylights out of me!!!

The two main points for me are:
a) as you're unmarried and he pays for the house, what are you going to do if the relationship breaks down?
b) if he is the main carer of your dc, he will most likely get residency in the even the relationship fails.

I'm sorry, but you wouldn't see me for dust!

I don't think he could claim half the house if you're not married - but yes do get proper legal advice on that!

this reads as very odd imo. But then I am definately in the share everything camp -which brings its own issues.

I think what would empower you more is to think about whether you could feasibly live without him. Check the tax credits, look at how much a childminder/nursery etc would cost (and you don't need to go for the most expensive option!), work out whether you could get a better paid job, or whether it would work better to reduce your hours. If you know you can manage without him (even if it is not your ideal choice obviously) - then it will give you much more strength to challenge him on what you are not happy with.

FWIW - you are not being unreasonable. He sounds tight and selfish. And he does not sound like good husband/father material - far too self centred.

I wouldn't like this.

Sounds like he is the one to make the rules.

Why is it up to him to decide what "the rules" are?

Just noticed you are due next week. You need some RL supporters for your cause (inlaws or friends) to help you to manage his expectations once baby arrives. You need to tell him now though that his plans need to change and be based on now. Not some fantasy house.

This whole set up is v odd. It's quite obvious that he doesn't see the two of you as a partnership and is making plans to ensure that HE will be very comfortable in future, particularly in the event of any split.

Two friends of mine actually had a similar set up but with him paying for the entire mortgage and most other things (including holidays) while she paid one or two household bills (they were both on professional salaries with him earning more than her but she was still in the high 5 figures). They had a kid and then split up fairly soon afterwards. She got their lovely 3 bed duplex flat, all the furniture and he had to pay her several tens of thousands of pounds in the first years after the split (plus maintenance for the kid, which he has absolutely no issue with of course). You are unlikely to come out of this well.

So, when he's bought this future house for you 'both', he won't pay any other outgoings, yet while you own the current house for you 'both you have to pay all bills. Just one of many glaring unfairnesses.

DP and I kind of muddle through, so I'm not perfect myself, but our muddling is based on fairness and respect at the heart of it. I don't think yours would be.

Just to add. He will have to buy this house pretty damn sharpish as you will run out of maternity leave in 12 months time.
To never work again he would need a few million in the bank surely. His plan is half-baked.

If you can't beat him, join him. If he is expecting you to work to pay for your keep when he buys the big mansion you don't want, then tell him you want contributions to the bills etc. now. Isn't that only fair?

He pays for holidays you don't want, and nights out you won't have after next week.... so what exactly will he be paying for once baby arrives? Or is he just racking up his savings to afford an even bigger mansion you don't want that you will have to pay even more for the privilege of living in? Why is only he allowed savings?

This whole set-up is mad (sorry) and there doesn't seem to be any kind of teamwork going on on his behalf. He'd rather you get into debt than he contribute while you're recovering from the birth of, and raising, his child!! Outrageous.

I have no advice other than don't give up your job, and don't put his name on the mortgage... but I think you already know that!

Hate to say it but it's almost as if you'd be better off on your own - then at least you could look after your child, and accrue savings if possible, on your own terms instead of being beholden to what your DP is dictating will happen.

Given that you are about to have a baby and this is how he is I think the only solution now is to play on his terms. Tell him that at the moment you ate paying more than him and it's not fair - work out real costs and start splitting it. Tell him that as you are in a partnership you want him to commit to supporting you while you are on maternity leave - ie paying into the mortgage - and say that you are not prepared to enter the deal he suggests where he buys a house, stops working and tAkes no account of your own wishes. I think you have to be very tough and stop going along with his ideas. Tell him you will go halves on everything but wi not let hi
Simply opt out by buying a house - do not go down that path.

Counselling might help work through some of this - although he sounds really delusional and unkind Im sorry to say.

"he says he will buy us a house outright"
"However, in return for living in this house I will be expected to work full-time to pay for all household living expenses plus holidays etc which he doesn't want to do without.."

This doesn't sound like a committed relationship to me (I'm guessing you're not married as you say DP not DH, I nearly typed "marriage" - but regardless, in this situation (child and joint house), even if you're not married I think your relationship and finances ought to work the same as if you were.

It sounds more like a financial arrangement. Surely it ought to read "he wants us to buy a house outright", etc.

BTW many years ago my grandad-in-law (who I never met) bought a house for him and my grandma-in-law, without her approval, or having her name on the deeds. She never forgave him for it!

I can't believe you're going along with this; don't think I have ever heard/read such a blatantly unfair situation before without the person in your position not being bloody angry at the least.

You DO know that he is taking you for a ride don't you? It is all for him and nothing for you. STOP IT now; after you have had the baby it will be even more difficult for you to find the strength to fight him over his totally self-centred plans. If he can treat YOU like this he is likely to believe that you are totally responsible for all the expenses of your DC and you will be chasing your tail trying to keep up with his expectations.

If the birth was not not so imminent I would be saying THROW HIM OUT NOW, but you should be seriously considering your options for the future as it doesn't sound as though you are going to have an equal partnership in any sense once DC is here.

You're being taken for a mug here.

I'd start lining up childcare and kick his arse out.

Sorry, but I wouldn't have even gone out with such an immature, selfish excuse for an adult, much less had a kid with him.